Being a single parent isn’t an easy task.
One has to be everything and everywhere for their child all at once.
And then there is navigating the situation of acknowledging the absentee parent.
If they’re alive and could be the picture, if they choose to, that can stir up a lot of issues.
How much is too much?
Redditor Several_Day5269 wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I refused to let my son wear the shirt his dad sent him?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a single mom to a 5-year-old boy.”
“His dad only met him once when he was about 2-years-old.”
“Now at 5, he doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“He asks for pictures of him once in a while and sends him gifts for Christmas and his birthday, but other than that, he doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“He sent me clothes for him and on one of the shirts it says something like ‘daddy’s little man’ which I refuse to let him wear because he’s not really in his life and only has met him once.”
“He’s in the Air Force and is in a different state, but if he really wanted to and cared enough about him, he would ask to FaceTime him and talk to him on the phone.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA if I refuse to let my son wear that shirt?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Donate it to Goodwill so a struggling but actually involved dad can pick up something new for his kid.” ~ fernyexotic
“NTA: I was gone for 6 months across country for work.”
“I Facetimed my son almost every day while I was gone.”
“Most of it was him playing with filters on Facebook Messenger’s Facetime, instead of actual talking about his days, but w/e.”
“I was there.”
“There is zero excuse to not be present in your child’s life in this day and age with SO many options to make the connection.” ~ SithLordSky
“This is exactly what dads should do!”
“My husband had to go away for a month when our daughter was 2 months old.”
“He never once missed bedtime with her on a video call.”
“The girl didn’t know she had hands, but her daddy called!”
“He’s away now, she’s 7 months and still calls her when she’s too busy trying to put the phone in her mouth!”
“You’re totally right.”
“There is no excuse.”
“Good on you for being a good dad, I know it’s so hard to be away from them for so long.” ~ gemini222222
“I was just away from my son for 9 days and we talked on the phone or had a video chat every single day.”
“The worst part of my trip was being away from him.”
“If I were faced with not seeing him for a long time without any contact even through video, I would check myself into a psych hospital because I wouldn’t feel safe. NTA.” ~ j0a3k
“NTA…Your son is five.”
“If he is not aware of the shirt, as a mother, it would disappear from his wardrobe.”
“How this is even a question?”
“Is the father questioning it?” ~ Worth-Season3645
“I swear some people just WANT to have a situation they can post about on this sub, so they search through their personal lives for anything that might qualify.” ~ lil-ernst
“I am so confused why this was asked as well.”
“Getting rid of the shirt seems like a total nonissue.”
“It’s not like the bio father is ever going to know if the shirt is given away if he doesn’t visit him or even FaceTime.”
“Just don’t show the shirt to the 5 year old and he won’t have any chance of caring either.” ~ itsbeenestablished
“NTA. I was a R[oyal] A[ir] F[orce] kid with divorced parents.”
“And when my dad was away, he would Skype and send letters/emails when he could, he did as much as he could to be there for us and make sure we felt loved.”
“If he can’t be bothered, he doesn’t get the luxury of pretending.” ~ MaliceIW
“NTA. BUT don’t waste it by throwing it out.”
“Donate it for another family’s enjoyment.” ~ amoralambiguity91
“Nope. ANYTHING sent by ANYONE that you, the custodial parent, deem inappropriate for any reason goes to thrift or the trash.”
“And yes, it is completely appropriate for you to open and review what is sent before handing anything to your kid.”
“NTA. Unburden yourself.”
“If a kid needs a new t-shirt, get them one that you know they will like and reflects their interests.” ~ sweetT333
“NTA. but please stop letting him do this to your kid.”
“It is a huge emotional distress to know he’s there, but he just doesn’t want him enough to actually see him.”
“These feelings will only grow.”
“The best thing my mom ever did for me was not allow this kind of father in my life.”
“One that walks in and out of their life with no care about what it does to them.”
“Please put a stop to it.” ~ catbugkilla
“It takes a lot for me to think being that concerned over a shirt that says that is worth it, but my god you have me sold.”
“This dude is a deadbeat through and through.”
“Even if my kid lived in Asia and was as poor as I am, could only go see them once a year, please believe I would do that.”
“Please believe I would FaceTime them multiple times a week.”
“30 minute or one hour talks every few days would be the norm. NTA.” ~ Odd_Welcome7940
“Not gonna go so far as to say you WBTA, but I will say, as a child of divorce, it’s best not to encourage/discourage a kid’s possible relationship to their other parent.”
“That’s not something you can really shield them from and may end up with them resenting you down the line.”
“The kid is only 5 and probably doesn’t understand the full situation, he may just see it as you trying to keep him away from his dad.” ~ zeroaegis
“NTA. It’s wild that he had the audacity to even buy that shirt, let alone send it to you.”
“Use it to dust around the house or just throw it in the trash.”
“The title of daddy is earned and he hasn’t earned it.” ~ MimZWay
“I went N[o] C[ontact] with my mother when my daughter was just 2 years old.”
“Every year for my birthday and Xmas, without fail, my mother sent small gifts, a little cash and a card to my daughter.”
“I just never told my daughter.”
“She never saw the gifts or the cards and I’d spend the little bit of cash on her for McDonald’s, without telling her.”
“There was no point.”
“She had no memory of my mother, whom she’d met just once.”
“Just because people are related doesn’t mean they have to know each other.”
“Some things are just better off unsaid.” ~ Wwwweeeeeeee
“NTA. Who is calling you TA?”
“Just throw it away or donate it.”
“If your son or anyone asks about it, say you’re not sure where it is.”
“Maybe in the laundry?”
“My daughter’s dad was not a good or present parent the first few years before I divorced him and he had to step up.”
“I’m annoyed that I documented every cute moment that they happened to have, while there are only selfies of me and my daughter.”
“I dont want my daughter to be told what a sh*t parent he was, but it saddens me that when she looks back at pictures they wont even show how we spent every moment together.”
“So I completely understand your feeling about that shirt.” ~ Next_Brainpuzzle
“I think it might depend on how your son feels about it to be honest.”
“If your son likes the shirt and wants to wear it, it might not be great for your son if you take that away from him.”
“You could put boundaries on when and where he wears it (like only in the house… Or conversely only when he’s out of the house so you don’t have to look at it lol).”
“Was it insensitive and douchey for your son’s dad to send this shirt when he’s not in your sons life?”
“100 percent.”
“But your job is to figure out how to help your son navigate his relationship with his dad in a way that doesn’t s***-talk his dad, even if your feelings toward his dad are justified.”
“While you definitely want to temper your son’s expectations about a relationship, refusing to let him wear a shirt from his dad might cause your son to feel confusion or resentment toward you.”
“Obviously, if he doesn’t care about the shirt then I would donate it asap.”
“Good luck! 💜.” ~FlexiblePiano
“NTA. But, if it makes your son feel like he has a father amongst his friends, you might want to reconsider.”
“He WILL get asked what happened to his Father, and be prepared for the ‘lies’ that he will make up to excuse his father to his friends.”
“My daughter told her friends he died as a firefighter.”
“He is a live-in well living life up and doesn’t see her one bit.” ~ jjrobinson73
“NAH. This feels like click bait because where is the conflict?”
“Is the dad harping on you to make sure your son wears the shirt?”
“If not, it just seems like something he sent that your son doesn’t have to wear it.” ~ randomstat123
“NTA, armed services are no excuse.”
“There are plenty of dads in the military who try to be in their kid’s lives.”
“Like you said, Facetime, leave, and even written letters.”
“I wouldn’t let him wear that shirt either.” ~ RiddLA311
“We just use those kind of clothes as play clothes, but we also don’t have an expendable budget to just throw perfectly good clothes away.”
“NTA though.” ~ LadyxxTay
“NTA. If he’s never in your son’s life, then there’s really no point.”
“He’s got to earn the right to have your son wear that shirt. I agree with others, donate it so an actual involved father can use it.” ~ TimeLady018
“Mail it back with a note stating one with ‘mom’s little man’ would be more appropriate for him to wear. NTA.” ~ DLCMotroni
“NTA, but instead of throwing it away, give it to Goodwill so that a dad who actually loves their five-year-old son can get it for them.” ~ Squirrelly_Khan
“NTA. All you have to do is add a word, ‘Absentee Dad’s little Man,’ or, ‘Sperm Donor’s Little Man.'”
“Just go buy some puff paint at Michael’s and remember to have fun with it.”
“Also, don’t forget to send ‘dad’ a picture of the properly edited shirt.” ~ LookAwayPlease510
“NTA. I’m petty, so I would probably send that shirt back to him and ask if he could find a more appropriate saying.” ~ Degofreak
“NTA, and I would definitely get in the habit of pre-opening any gifts from him without the kid around.”
“That way, you can make an informed choice regarding if you even want the kid to know it came.”
“This one was annoying, but generally harmless, but next time it could be something rude, offensive, or even dangerous, and you don’t want to get the kid’s hopes up only to dash them and make yourself the bad guy by taking gifts away.” ~ beckdawg19
“NTA. Five years is old enough to read the shirt, and it’s going to result in a lot of uncomfortable questions and hurt feelings as you have to explain — again, probably — that Dad chooses not to be in his life.”
“Not to mention the comments from friends and well-wishers who have no idea why the child starts bawling when they point out the shirt!”
“Dad, on the other hand, is a huge a**hole and he shouldn’t send personalized gifts if he’s not willing to step up.” ~ RickRussellTX
“Stick the shirt in the back of a drawer and forget about it.”
“It’s not like the dad will know, he’s never around. NTA.” ~ RichCaterpillar991
Reddit is with you OP.
A parent can’t just drop in with gifts once and a while and think that that’s enough.
It’s sad that your son’s “father” feels like this is an appropriate gift.
As it was suggested, you may want to discuss this with your son in a way that doesn’t disparage his “father,” and let him decide for now.
But you have every right to feel like you feel.
Good luck.