What does one wear to a bridal shower?
Who is to say really?
People's clothes are their own self expression.
To commenting on them can be dicey.
Case in point...
Redditor Complex-Cup7367 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for defending my dad's girlfriend for wearing a bikini to my fiancée's bridal shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My dad has been dating 'Tiffany' for a year and a half."
"She is honestly really annoying. I'm not going to lie."
"I recently got engaged to my G[irl]F[riend] of 3 years 'Melissa' and we are currently wedding planning."
"Her mom and M[aid] O[f] H[onor] recently threw her a bridal shower."
"As an olive branch, Tiffany and my mom were invited."
"For some background Melissa does struggle with insecurities and self esteem."
"She is also very very into things being picture perfect, which sometimes results in anxiety."
"She also hates how the women in my family dress."
"She totally gets it isn't her business and she would never say anything."
"But she has confided to me that she hates it."
"For the bridal shower most of the women wore sundresses."
"Tiffany wore something which looked to me like a ruffly crop top and a matching skirt."
"I thought it looked fine."
"She did mention she was leaving early because she had plans."
"During the shower Melissa realized that what Tiffany was wearing was actually a bikini, because the skirt was pretty see through and she could make out the bottoms."
"She asked her, but tried to laugh it off"
"And Tiffany admitted it was a bikini, because she was going out on my dad's boat after and wouldn't have time to change."
"My future M[other] I[n] L[aw[ asked Tiffany if she found it a bit weird."
"Tiffany said no, she thought it passed as a crop top."
"Melissa and her bridesmaids went off and talked about it."
"And Melissa decided that she was offended, but declined her mom's offer to kick Tiffany out."
"When Tiffany was leaving she said goodbye and my fiancée said 'I hope you had fun, and hope you found the attention you were looking for.'"
"I heard this through my mom, sister, and then Melissa."
"At this point I was sick of hearing about it and I was annoyed because my mom was trying to make it into a much bigger issue and act like I shouldn't marry Melissa over it."'
"Which I promptly shut down."
"By the time I talked to Melissa she was heated and calling Tiffany an attention wh*re and a show off."
"She asked if my mom had said anything, because I guess my mom was rolling her eyes at her at the shower."
"I told her I talked to my mom and told her to shut up."
"Melissa then asked me if I hated tiffany."
"I said that I don't hate her, and then I said to be honest I think her outfit was fine."
"It just looked like a crop top, and if that ruined the day for Melissa, that is something Melissa needs to work on."
"That upset Melissa and she feels that I was brushing her feelings aside."
"She said I should talk to my dad."
"And I told her I wasn't going to and that is embarrassing."
"She stormed off and is now refusing to talk about it."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole, but there are many he is NOT.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"YTA. Your dad's girlfriend wore a bikini to a bridal shower."
"It doesn't matter how liberal your views are, unless the host has specified it's okay, IT'S NOT OKAY."
"Double YTA if Tiffany knew your Fiancée wouldn't like it, and did it anyway." ~ winsluc12
"The NTA are based off the question that was asked."
"If it was is Tiffany TA, yes 100%."
"But I agree with OP that it shouldn't have spoiled the party and isn't worth making a big deal about, all it did was make Tiffany look trashy." ~ Scion41790
"I still think OP is the AH since Tiffany was getting all attention at his fiancés bridal shower."
"And he thought his fiancé was the one in the wrong for being upset about it when all the guests were apparently whispering about it." ~ Gryffindor4ble
"Since everyone was in a sundress it really is not that far out in my opinion."
"This was not a semi formal if everyone else was in sundress"
"OP NTA if it bothered Melissa that much she should have let her Mom ask Tiffany to leave."
"That would have caused a lot less drama."
"INFO - What is it about the way the women in your family dress that Melissa objects to???" ~ moodyfish7777
"NTA. This is a joke right?"
"First off the outfit in the link is totally acceptable for a shower… it's the summer and not a wedding."
"Tiffany said she was going on the boat after."
"Tiffany was also invited 'as an olive branch.'"
"Is this bride so entitled she would honestly think someone invited in this manner is going to chose her outfit for the day based on this event?"
"Showers are usually not enjoyable."
"And the boat was clearly the highlight of the day and going to the shower was to just show face."
"Melissa needs therapy if she is so easily offended by… nothing." ~ acetateprophets
"Agreed. OP says his fiancé has some insecurities and by his description of what happened, that appears to be the case."
"OP's fiancé needs to work on that for herself."
"Was it tacky for Tiffany to attend the shower wearing a bikini under her crop top and skirt - kind of."
"Was it also tacky for Melissa to ask her about it - yep."
"Was it tacky to go off with others from the shower to gossip about what Tiffany was wearing - yep."
"If Tiffany actually showed up in just the bikini, it would be completely inappropriate."
"But she didn't do that."
"For Melissa to ask OP to talk to his dad about what dad's girlfriend wears is completely inappropriate."
"Hope OP's fiancé can work on improving her own self-esteem and stop focusing so much on how other women dress." ~ Tranqup
"Yeah 100% NTA in this situation."
"No one even noticed it was a bikini and that was underneath her clothes which is no different than wearing a bra in my book."
"Sounds a lot like an outdoor bridal shower considering the sun dresses and everything and doesn't sound like people were in suits."
"Melissa needs to get over herself."
"Sounds like she was purely seeking to have an issue with this person." ~ doinggood9
"Kinda shocked at all the NTA votes."
"A bikini is an inappropriate outfit for a bridal shower unless it was hosted at a beach/pool."
"Dad's girlfriend was absolutely showing off, it would have been simple to wear a sundress over the bikini."
"Your fiancée has every right to be upset at it. YTA." ~ Certain_Effort598
"This, exactly. Being that underdressed for a formal-ish event is disrespectful to the person being celebrated."
"This is as ridiculous as if she'd shown up in pajamas."
"And the not having time to change excuse is blatantly a lie."
"Throw actual clothing on over the bikini."
"She's an adult, she shouldn't need anyone to tell her to dress herself."
"She absolutely knows this was inappropriate. YTA." ~ Forsaken-Pickle5069
"YTA. She could have also changed on the boat."
"She could have worn a sundress or literally any other piece of clothing over the bikini."
"Tiffany was showing off." ~ No-Anything-4440
"YTA. Wearing a bathing suit to a semi formal affair is just rude."
"If she really didn't have 2 minutes to change (rolling my eyes here) she could have put on her bathing suit and thrown a dress over it."
"Easy solution." ~ BentBent12
"YTA. Wearing a bathing suit of any kind to a bridal shower is an a**hole move."
"She could have worn a bikini under a dress." ~ Harry7411
"Exactly ESH!! Swimwear under street clothes, no problem."
"She wore a see through skirt!!"
"A swimsuit coverup is not an appropriate outfit for a bridal shower unless it was held at a beach or pool."
"For anyone to think otherwise is ridiculous!!"
"Tiffany needs to have her wedding outfit approved by the bride otherwise who know what she will show up wearing!!" ~ winesis
"Tiffany is the real AH here, and it was foolish of you to defend her attention seeking behavior."
"It didn't bother you—great."
"But you also don't seem to have a good sense of what is appropriate attire."
"A crop top to a garden party? Come on!"
"It did upset your fiancée and it's going to get worse between now and the wedding."
"Tiffany will likely show up in an inappropriate dress for the wedding."
"And you and Melissa have to be on the same page on how to preempt and react to this issue when it inevitably happens."
"Acknowledge that you were dismissive of Melissa's feelings and then work together on how you can address the situation."
"YTA (as is Tiffany)." ~ Soiree1999
Well OP... you have quite a situation on your hands.
Reddit seems to be all over the place with feedback, so no definitive answer for you.
It's going to be a wedding to remember for sure.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.