It takes a village to raise a kid.
Parents need all the help they can get.
But sometimes that help comes with a price tag.
The immediate family can often have extreme expectations.
Redditor First_Buyer_5900 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not allowing my fiancé's family dictate my baby's life before it's even born?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé (26 M[ale]) and I (27 F[emale]) have been engaged since the 16th of December 2025."
"Being of African culture, he made his way to my home to negotiate 'lobola' (bride price), and all went well."
"I've met my soon-to-be S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] way before us getting engaged, she was kind, welcoming, and seemed to be loving."
"Fast forward to the 30th of December 2025, I fly back to Gauteng from the Eastern Cape to be with my fiancé."
"The next day, we get an invite from my fiancé's mom for a New Year's Day lunch on the 1st of Jan, and we accept."
"That same day, my fiancé took me to the hospital because I had a bad case of the flu, and he didn't like that I wasn't getting much better."
"During that doctor's consultation, we found out that we're pregnant and are 5 months pregnant (I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't get any morning sickness or grow much of a stomach)."
"On the day of the lunch, we broke the news to his mom and sister, and they're so excited and happy for us."
"They mention a few 'traditional' things like the mom giving the baby its first name, my fiancé shuts that conversation down and tells them, it's up to him and me what we name the baby, and we won't be doing that."
"Later, I'm helping his sister prepare the food in the kitchen, and she mentions a baby shower and/or gender reveal for us."
"I tell her my sisters and friends might throw me one after I break the news to them, and she tells me that's so great and that I'm lucky to have them to do that for me."
"She also mentions me getting her in contact with whoever will be planning it once I know, so that she can be a part of it."
"I tell her no problem, and we end that conversation."
"Fast forward 2 days ago, my fiancé and I went for an anatomy scan to find out the gender of the baby and also find that everything is still going well with the pregnancy."
"The doctor writes down the gender in an envelope and closes it up for us, and we decide to take the envelope to my eldest sister for safekeeping."
"We both share how the appointment went with our family; mine takes it well, and they don't question anything."
"His side of the family, however, goes off."
"His sister tells him that she feels like we shouldn't have given the envelope to my sister, and that she's the aunt of the child (dad's side specifically), and that she feels like we're excluding her from OUR child."
"She ropes in their mom, and now even his mom is going off on him, telling him that she should be the one to have been given the envelope and she would be the one to tell us the gender of the baby."
"Also, to remember that I'm married into their family and that since I'm a part of their family now, I can't decide on stuff like this and have them go along with it, without discussing it with them first."
"Right now, as I'm writing this post, his mom has since blocked him and told him that she'd be withdrawing herself from his life, and that he can do what makes him happy."
"His sister is riding that train like crazy, telling him that it's always been them 3 together."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Yes, you did marry into their family, but their son/brother also married into your family."
"Yes, his sister is an auntie to this child, but so is your sister."
"Trying to claim that their family is more important than yours just because he is the man is nothing short of misogynistic."
"It's 2026."
"You need to stay out of it as much as possible."
"This is your fiancé's fight. "
"As long as he keeps standing up for you, they can throw as many tantrums as they want."
"It'll be them that misses out." ~ MrsSEM84
"The most important thing is that OP needs to make sure that her fiancé is really backing her up on this."
"It will come down to whether he can stand strong or if he'll buckle under the pressure."
"OP needs to know, because if she stays strong (as she should) and he isn't, he'll undermine her, and M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] will be back in their life, taking the baby or doing all those things that they don't want her to do."
"She needs to have a serious conversation about whether he's willing to cut them out of his life (even if only temporarily), and if not, what the consequences/path forward should be." ~ ErikLovemonger
"NTA. MIL is going to backpedal when the baby is born, claim OP is too sensitive to get upset at a silly comment, then bulldoze over any boundaries on child rearing and try to be the main decision maker on everything."
"At the end of the day, it's your MIL, so she'll trickle back into your life somehow."
"Do not leave her alone with the baby or allow her to babysit or anything."
"Prepare for this." ~ Ishsun16
"NTA for your fiancé's family drama."
"Your fiancé is setting a boundary they do not like."
"It's a funny response to shut you both out completely because they are denied control over aspects of your new life together."
"Gender reveal silliness, it is!"
"How did people ever cope back in those days when everyone had to wait for the baby's actual birth?"
"Congratulations to you both, as well." ~ Vera_Telco
"NTA. Bayahlanya laba, I'm sorry, girl, but you unfortunately have to deal with them forever, and his mom blocked him as a manipulation tactic."
"I just hope you have a healthy and safe pregnancy and delivery, and set your boundaries now." ~ applejuicebree
"NTA. Tell her that your sister is ALSO the aunt, but has also been respectful and non-judgmental and therefore has shown she can be trusted with sensitive information."
"I'd also shut any conversations about births and mothers moving in and visits now." ~ writingwonderland87
"Wow, the entitlement of his family is crazy."
"Hopefully, the sister will follow mom's actions and block him, too, so you won't have to deal with either of these women."
"I'm happy to see your husband has your back on this."
"So many times in these situations, that is not the case due to a spineless mama's boy."
"Congratulations on your pregnancy! NTA." ~ Livinthedream71
"NTA. Mom blocking y'all actually works in your favor."
"Don't reward her temper tantrum by giving her any attention."
"As for S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw], ignore her too."
"When they can start acting like adults and have a rational conversation, maybe things can change."
"For now, I'd take a huge step back from both of them and reevaluate later."
"I hope that you have a happy, healthy pregnancy."
"Part of that includes avoiding stressful situations and people."
"If MIL and SIL keep up the bad behavior, then maybe they don't need to play a (large) role in your growing family's life."
"It sounds like your hubs has everything under control and is protecting you."
"I hope that he's able to stay strong and doesn't fall for any of their manipulation." ~ EJ_1004
"NTA - this is all about power and influence."
"Don't give in."
"Set boundaries/expectations now." ~ eyeofthecorgi
"NTA. Let's be honest."
"This is probably the best thing to happen."
"Let them self-destruct and self-exile for their pettiness."
"This is between you and your husband, and if he's setting boundaries, then just go with it."
"I would be more concerned if he were allowing them to do whatever they want." ~ Sensitive-Union-3944
"NTA. I'm not sure if your in-laws are extra or that there are indeed traditions in their country that dictate what they say."
"Either way: you have 2 options: give in or take a stand."
"Both have complications and consequences."
"Choose what makes you and your fiancé happy."
"Your in-laws likely will not change, so stick with what you want."
"And congrats!" ~ Momadvice1982
"I'm really perplexed at the 5-month thing."
"Wouldn't you notice a missed period, body change, change in appetite, anything?"
"Anyway, just in case you're not the Virgin Mary, you're NTA."
"This is your baby and the father, and both make the decisions." ~ Similar-Ad-6862
"NTA disclaimer that I'm from a different culture, but every single thing concerning your baby is for you and your husband to decide (until the baby is old enough to also help decide)."
"No one else."
"Full stop."
"Especially concerning to me is the idea that you are joining their family. No."
"You and your fiancé are starting your own family."
"The sister saying it's always been the 3 of them makes me think she and MIL have some issues to get over in terms of your fiancé getting his own family, but that's for them to deal with."
"Just make sure your fiancé is supporting you over them, sounds like he is!" ~ SafetyFluid8535
"These people have too little going on in their lives; that's why they have the time and energy to fight about someone else's life."
"Don't back down or else, they'd make your whole marriage about themselves NTA." ~ footsie_bethsie
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your "in-laws" are out of line.
This is your and your fiancé's baby.
They will just have to come to terms with their own feelings about this.
Try not to stress.
Good luck and congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp