Favoritism by parents among siblings can be a common problem for a lot of families.
Sometimes a child is overreacting, sometimes they are spot on.
Either way, it can be very hurtful to experience.
Some parents have no clue they’re doing it, and others don’t care if they’re guilty.
This leads to tons of family drama.
Redditor Disastrous-Eagle7810 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for having different expectations for my daughters?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have 2 daughters, Maya (27) and Eva (23).”
“Maya got an associate’s degree in child development, music education, and psychology, and takes classes part-time in special education and school administration to get extra certifications.”
“Eva completed nursing school a few months ago.”
“They both live at home to save money.”
“Maya works a minimum of 50 hours a week.”
“She’s a nanny to a single mom that works as a nurse, so one week she works from 6 am-9 pm, 3 days a week, then the next week she does the same hours 4 days a week.”
“She also teaches ballet and music classes at a couple of local schools.”
“When she works back-to-back shifts at her nanny job, she tends to sleep there so she doesn’t have to leave the house by 5:30.”
“Eva is burnt out from nursing school, so she only works 20 hours a week at a clinic.”
“She works from 9-1, then goes home.”
“She’s considering quitting altogether and going back to school for cosmetology.”
“Since Maya works so much, if she starts a load of laundry before work, my wife and I have no problem transferring it to the dryer and folding it for her.”
“Since Eva only works part-time, she’s expected to be responsible for her own laundry.”
“Another difference in expectations is with pet care.”
“Maya is not expected to walk or feed the dogs (a chihuahua mix and what my kids call ‘the mutt of all mutts’ and a cat.”
“Eva is expected to do so 3 days a week (Eva is also the one who asked for one of the dogs and the cat).”
“We also tend to do more favors for Maya (dropping off a meal at her work, picking up things for her, or making her a simple meal), especially on the days that she comes home from a 15-hour shift and the day she comes back from back-to-back shifts.”
“Today we reminded Eva to take her clothes out of the dryer before she goes out (she has a habit of starting the washing machine and dryer before going out with friends for hours overnight), and she said that we do Maya’s laundry, so we shouldn’t have a problem doing hers too.”
“I told her it’s very different doing it for her sister, who works 15 hours a day, and doing it for her when she’s just going out with friends.”
“Now she’s mad about favoritism because Maya doesn’t take care of the pets or pay her car insurance (she uses her car for work, so her boss covers her insurance).”
“My wife always had a habit of giving in to her, so now she’s saying we should be harder on Maya because if Eva can handle these responsibilities, so can she.”
“I still think it’s understandable to help the daughter who is working 15 hours a day, plus 20-30 minutes commute, but not feel that the one who works 20 hours a week needs the same level of help.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“Soft YTA, but not for the obvious reason.”
“Two adults have different needs, that’s fair, and what you do for one does not necessarily mean it has to be done for the other.”
“However, I ask that you go back and re-read what you posted, because what I read tells me why Eva is upset.”
“You have a clear and obvious bias toward Maya.”
“Even the way you describe them shows it.”
“I can only imagine how much more obvious it is to Eva that you favor her sister, and she will always be second best in your eyes.”
“You’ve got a much bigger issue here, and it will end up wrecking your relationship with one of your children.”
“I suggest you spend some time reflecting on this.”
“Not, defensively, but honestly.”
“Because if it’s obvious to an internet stranger?”
“Yeah… you have a problem that needs to be dealt with.”
“Talk to your wife.”
“Talk to Eva, and really listen to what she has to say.”
“If you need to speak to a counsellor first to get your thoughts in order, that’s fine.”
‘But please, do something to improve this situation before Eva walks out of your life.” ~ Severe-Cow-2816
“They also mentioned Eva is burnt out.”
“Do they have any idea what burnout indicates?”
“I think Eva needs more support, maybe physically, but emotionally.”
“You need to be more present with her.”
“All you do is focus on making Maya’s life easier, and with Eva is how can she make your life easier?”
“Edit to add because I forgot: YTA.” ~ coldfoamlattee
“YTA. You have a kid who just came out of uni and is already so burnt-out that she’s considering switching careers, and you have another one who’s putting herself on the fast track to burnout.”
“First, those are your pets, so you should be taking care of them.”
“Second, you should stop doing more for one than you do for the other one.”
“You clearly have a favorite, and it’s extremely obvious that’s affecting the least favorite.”
“Also, instead of celebrating it, I think you should talk with Maya about why she’s putting herself through all that.”
“Why isn’t she working in her profession and is instead taking more certifications?”
“You have two adult daughters who clearly are not coping well with adulting, and you’re celebrating one and adding more stress to the already burnt-out one.” ~ thecarpetbug
“YTA: Maya chooses to do all this.”
“You guys take care of the brunt of expenses through rent, Maya, I assume, is trying to save money while you guys give her this opportunity.”
“That being said, she is damn near 30 years old and CAN handle her own responsibilities without parents doing extra.”
“What it looks like is that you are willing to support Maya’s future, and Eva only gets free rent because she’s Maya’s sister.”
“At the end of the day, she should be doing her own laundry, and those are your pets to take care of, not your kids.” ~ Available_Ad_4504
“YTA. Ya’ll clearly have a favorite, and you’re teaching both of them that your love and caring are contingent on them working ridiculous hours.”
“Maya’s gonna burn out too.”
“Of course, Eva should deal with laundry before social time, and expectations can be different.”
“But unless Maya’s supporting the household, her choice to overwork is not noble or superior to Eva’s nursing job while dealing with burnout.”
“If Eva’s burnout is serious (not just showing up as compassion fatigue during work, more like she’s struggling in all or lots of ways, sleeping significantly more, etc.), then she needs understanding and caring and support to heal.”
“And it takes time.”
“Make her a meal too.” ~ SnooRegrets7484
“Right! It’s like one child seems to be working a sh*t load but doing okay, and one is openly struggling with burnout out and the folks are like ‘let’s cook meals and do favors for… the one who isn’t showing any signs of struggling…?! What!?'”
“I’m in burnout myself.”
“Sometimes my mum cooks for me or when I visit, cooks enough that I can take home leftovers.”
“I really appreciate it because my burnout has been intense, and every task I have support with is one less stressor, so I can reserve my energy to recover.”
“My folks also babysit for my sister every week!”
“We have different needs, and our parents support each of us.”
“We don’t question who the favorite is 🤷🏼♀️.” ~ lifeinwentworth
“NTA for helping Maya more.”
“YTA because I can tell you like Maya more just based on how you describe them.”
“You may not see it, but Eva does. I do.”
“Maya probably does.”
“Your wife probably does.”
“It’s understandable to help her out, considering her schedule, but you could at least think equally of your kids. Jeez.”
“We hear all about Maya’s degrees and jobs.”
“But Eva is burnt out and jobless and probably won’t finish nursing school.”
“It’s obvious you like Maya better.” ~ binxie_
“YTA, you are creating a hostile environment in your family.”
“If you help Eva, she can study harder and make herself a brighter future.”
“There are small tasks with major repercussions for your family, while avoiding unnecessary drama.” ~ Candid-Pin-4116
“Yeah, Maya isn’t morally superior to Eva, nor is she more deserving of support than Eva.”
“Maya can work that much because she has better family support.”
“Eva is burned out and needs more support, but you’re choosing to support her less. YTA.” ~ franksinestra
“YTA. There is obvious favouritism towards Maya.”
“It’s interesting that she has a degree in something she clearly couldn’t find a job right out of college in (fair), so she had to take random jobs and is now overworking.”
“That’s not anyone’s issue but hers.”
“Not exactly sure how this is benefiting Maya, she should be thinking about working smarter, not harder.”
“You have Eva, who is working towards something that will give her a stable long long-lasting career, yet you seem to downplay her work because she ‘only’ works 20 hours a week.”
“They are both adults, and you can’t do the laundry for one while not for the other.”
“They both have their struggles, and it’s not fair to compare.”
“Also, if Maya were to be living on her own, who would do her laundry for her?”
“She chooses to work 50 hours a week; she has to organize her life so she can complete her chores.” ~ soc2021
Reddit has a lot of issues with your actions, OP.
Even though your daughters are adults, this type of behavior can leave a lot of emotional scars.
It couldn’t hurt to evaluate how you’re treating your daughters differently.
You don’t have to do EVERYTHING for Eva that you do for Maya, but a few tweaks may go a long way.
Good Luck.