Favoritism by parents among siblings can be a common problem for a lot of families.
Sometimes a child is overreacting, sometimes they are spot on.
Either way, it can be very hurtful to experience.
Some parents have no clue they're doing it, and others don't care if they're guilty.
This leads to tons of family drama.
Redditor Disastrous-Eagle7810 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for having different expectations for my daughters?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have 2 daughters, Maya (27) and Eva (23)."
"Maya got an associate's degree in child development, music education, and psychology, and takes classes part-time in special education and school administration to get extra certifications."
"Eva completed nursing school a few months ago."
"They both live at home to save money."
"Maya works a minimum of 50 hours a week."
"She's a nanny to a single mom that works as a nurse, so one week she works from 6 am-9 pm, 3 days a week, then the next week she does the same hours 4 days a week."
"She also teaches ballet and music classes at a couple of local schools."
"When she works back-to-back shifts at her nanny job, she tends to sleep there so she doesn't have to leave the house by 5:30."
"Eva is burnt out from nursing school, so she only works 20 hours a week at a clinic."
"She works from 9-1, then goes home."
"She's considering quitting altogether and going back to school for cosmetology."
"Since Maya works so much, if she starts a load of laundry before work, my wife and I have no problem transferring it to the dryer and folding it for her."
"Since Eva only works part-time, she's expected to be responsible for her own laundry."
"Another difference in expectations is with pet care."
"Maya is not expected to walk or feed the dogs (a chihuahua mix and what my kids call 'the mutt of all mutts' and a cat."
"Eva is expected to do so 3 days a week (Eva is also the one who asked for one of the dogs and the cat)."
"We also tend to do more favors for Maya (dropping off a meal at her work, picking up things for her, or making her a simple meal), especially on the days that she comes home from a 15-hour shift and the day she comes back from back-to-back shifts."
"Today we reminded Eva to take her clothes out of the dryer before she goes out (she has a habit of starting the washing machine and dryer before going out with friends for hours overnight), and she said that we do Maya's laundry, so we shouldn't have a problem doing hers too."
"I told her it's very different doing it for her sister, who works 15 hours a day, and doing it for her when she's just going out with friends."
"Now she's mad about favoritism because Maya doesn't take care of the pets or pay her car insurance (she uses her car for work, so her boss covers her insurance)."
"My wife always had a habit of giving in to her, so now she's saying we should be harder on Maya because if Eva can handle these responsibilities, so can she."
"I still think it's understandable to help the daughter who is working 15 hours a day, plus 20-30 minutes commute, but not feel that the one who works 20 hours a week needs the same level of help."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Soft YTA, but not for the obvious reason."
"Two adults have different needs, that's fair, and what you do for one does not necessarily mean it has to be done for the other."
"However, I ask that you go back and re-read what you posted, because what I read tells me why Eva is upset."
"You have a clear and obvious bias toward Maya."
"Even the way you describe them shows it."
"I can only imagine how much more obvious it is to Eva that you favor her sister, and she will always be second best in your eyes."
"You've got a much bigger issue here, and it will end up wrecking your relationship with one of your children."
"I suggest you spend some time reflecting on this."
"Not, defensively, but honestly."
"Because if it's obvious to an internet stranger?"
"Yeah... you have a problem that needs to be dealt with."
"Talk to your wife."
"Talk to Eva, and really listen to what she has to say."
"If you need to speak to a counsellor first to get your thoughts in order, that's fine."
'But please, do something to improve this situation before Eva walks out of your life." ~ Severe-Cow-2816
"They also mentioned Eva is burnt out."
"Do they have any idea what burnout indicates?"
"I think Eva needs more support, maybe physically, but emotionally."
"You need to be more present with her."
"All you do is focus on making Maya's life easier, and with Eva is how can she make your life easier?"
"Edit to add because I forgot: YTA." ~ coldfoamlattee
"YTA. You have a kid who just came out of uni and is already so burnt-out that she's considering switching careers, and you have another one who's putting herself on the fast track to burnout."
"First, those are your pets, so you should be taking care of them."
"Second, you should stop doing more for one than you do for the other one."
"You clearly have a favorite, and it's extremely obvious that's affecting the least favorite."
"Also, instead of celebrating it, I think you should talk with Maya about why she's putting herself through all that."
"Why isn't she working in her profession and is instead taking more certifications?"
"You have two adult daughters who clearly are not coping well with adulting, and you're celebrating one and adding more stress to the already burnt-out one." ~ thecarpetbug
"YTA: Maya chooses to do all this."
"You guys take care of the brunt of expenses through rent, Maya, I assume, is trying to save money while you guys give her this opportunity."
"That being said, she is damn near 30 years old and CAN handle her own responsibilities without parents doing extra."
"What it looks like is that you are willing to support Maya's future, and Eva only gets free rent because she's Maya's sister."
"At the end of the day, she should be doing her own laundry, and those are your pets to take care of, not your kids." ~ Available_Ad_4504
"YTA. Ya'll clearly have a favorite, and you're teaching both of them that your love and caring are contingent on them working ridiculous hours."
"Maya's gonna burn out too."
"Of course, Eva should deal with laundry before social time, and expectations can be different."
"But unless Maya's supporting the household, her choice to overwork is not noble or superior to Eva's nursing job while dealing with burnout."
"If Eva's burnout is serious (not just showing up as compassion fatigue during work, more like she's struggling in all or lots of ways, sleeping significantly more, etc.), then she needs understanding and caring and support to heal."
"And it takes time."
"Make her a meal too." ~ SnooRegrets7484
"Right! It's like one child seems to be working a sh*t load but doing okay, and one is openly struggling with burnout out and the folks are like 'let's cook meals and do favors for... the one who isn't showing any signs of struggling...?! What!?'"
"I'm in burnout myself."
"Sometimes my mum cooks for me or when I visit, cooks enough that I can take home leftovers."
"I really appreciate it because my burnout has been intense, and every task I have support with is one less stressor, so I can reserve my energy to recover."
"My folks also babysit for my sister every week!"
"We have different needs, and our parents support each of us."
"We don't question who the favorite is 🤷🏼♀️." ~ lifeinwentworth
"NTA for helping Maya more."
"YTA because I can tell you like Maya more just based on how you describe them."
"You may not see it, but Eva does. I do."
"Maya probably does."
"Your wife probably does."
"It's understandable to help her out, considering her schedule, but you could at least think equally of your kids. Jeez."
"We hear all about Maya's degrees and jobs."
"But Eva is burnt out and jobless and probably won't finish nursing school."
"It's obvious you like Maya better." ~ binxie_
"YTA, you are creating a hostile environment in your family."
"If you help Eva, she can study harder and make herself a brighter future."
"There are small tasks with major repercussions for your family, while avoiding unnecessary drama." ~ Candid-Pin-4116
"Yeah, Maya isn't morally superior to Eva, nor is she more deserving of support than Eva."
"Maya can work that much because she has better family support."
"Eva is burned out and needs more support, but you're choosing to support her less. YTA." ~ franksinestra
"YTA. There is obvious favouritism towards Maya."
"It's interesting that she has a degree in something she clearly couldn't find a job right out of college in (fair), so she had to take random jobs and is now overworking."
"That's not anyone's issue but hers."
"Not exactly sure how this is benefiting Maya, she should be thinking about working smarter, not harder."
"You have Eva, who is working towards something that will give her a stable long long-lasting career, yet you seem to downplay her work because she 'only' works 20 hours a week."
"They are both adults, and you can't do the laundry for one while not for the other."
"They both have their struggles, and it's not fair to compare."
"Also, if Maya were to be living on her own, who would do her laundry for her?"
"She chooses to work 50 hours a week; she has to organize her life so she can complete her chores." ~ soc2021
Reddit has a lot of issues with your actions, OP.
Even though your daughters are adults, this type of behavior can leave a lot of emotional scars.
It couldn't hurt to evaluate how you're treating your daughters differently.
You don't have to do EVERYTHING for Eva that you do for Maya, but a few tweaks may go a long way.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp