When visiting other people’s homes, it’s traditional to be clean and tidy.
It’s nice to say please and thank you.
Not making a mess with food is a plus.
Sadly, not everyone is familiar with these ideas.
Redditor Top_Cranberry_1302 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to allow my BF’s best friend to come to dinner over a ‘dirty coffee mug?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So, my (F[emale] 23) B[oy]f[riend] (M[ale] 25), we can call him David, has about five guy friends.”
“I like all of them, and we’ve been on good terms for years.”
“About once a month, I tell my boyfriend to invite them over for dinner.”
“Usually I cook, clean the table, and do the dishes.”
“It’s a labour of love and I enjoy doing it.”
“This tradition has been going on for years.”
“Most of them put away their dishes in the dishwasher, but I do the bulk of the work.”
“Now, David (B[est] F[riend]) is closest with Mark (M 25).”
“About a month ago, Mark broke up with his GF, and he has been hanging out at our place almost every day.”
“We all work from home, so he just shows up in the morning.”
“I don’t mind this either.”
“David asked me if it was alright.”
“What I mind is that Mark is a freaking slob.”
“Multiple coffee mugs all over the house, water cups, crumbs on the counter, dirty dishes; even his dirty socks once.”
“I made several comments to Mark that this is not dinner night, and if he is going to be over so much, he is not going to be treated as a guest, and he needs to learn to clean up after himself.”
“He only rolled his eyes at me.”
“I told David two weeks ago that Mark needs to learn to pick up after himself.”
“They had a talk, and Mark did make an effort for a few days, but we are back at square one.”
“David saw me getting frustrated, so now Mark comes over once a week and David is quick to clean up after him.”
“It still rubs me the wrong way, so yesterday, when I felt like having people over for dinner, I invited everyone but Mark.”
“David did not ask why; maybe he figured it out, I don’t know.”
“Mark came to pick something today and asked me why he wasn’t invited, and I told him.”
“He was surprised and called me petty, and said that it was unfair to be singled out over a dirty mug.”
“I told him that unless he changes, I am not cooking for him.”
“He is welcome to come over and have David wait on him, but not me.”
“I don’t know if it is important, but the house is David’s, but we live together.”
“He got upset, called me an a-hole, and left.”
“Did I overreact?”
“I can’t tell at this point.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA: Excuse me, he rolled his eyes at you when you asked him to clean up after himself?”
“He would have never been invited back to my house after that.”
“My husband wouldn’t let his friends treat me that way.” ~ Theodora1976
“It wasn’t petty, and it wasn’t just a ‘dirty coffee mug.'”
“It’s your home.”
“It’s also your boyfriend’s job to sort this out.”
“If I were told I was being petty by someone who treated my home like it was kindy for fully-grown people, he wouldn’t be welcome back at all.”
“He can host the dinners at his place.” ~ cressidacole
“NTA. Mark is taking advantage of your hospitality and being a bad guest, but your boyfriend also needs to step up and handle his friend.”
“It’s not reasonable that Mark is coming over every day, and especially so if he’s not cleaning up after himself.”
“Your boyfriend should be holding a firmer line with Mark and requiring him to clean up after himself or be uninvited, not just following Mark around cleaning up after him.”
“You should also do more to advocate for yourself and stand up to your boyfriend.”
“Are you actually, truly okay with Mark coming over every single day?”
“Why did you have to talk to Mark about his cleanliness?”
“If my friend rolled their eyes at my girlfriend when she asked them to clean up after themselves, that friend would no longer be welcome in my home until they had apologized to my girlfriend and changed their behavior permanently.” ~ KeyAdhesiveness4882
“You did just right.”
“And David is doing just right, as well: cleaning up after his own friend, not putting it on you.”
“If Mark wants to be more responsible, you’ve made it clear that you’ll welcome him back.”
“You just don’t want to be cleaning up his messes. NTA.” ~ ScarletNotThatOne
“NTA… considering he rolled his eyes at you, and then called you an a-hole (for simply asking him to not filth up your home he is hanging around in nonstop).”
“David should tell him he’s no longer welcome for anything until he apologizes and demonstrates better behavior.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“NTA. I’d imagine this guy was babied from a young age and expects the same from every other relationship.”
“Your boyfriend needs to back you up a little bit, but I understand how awkward these things can be.”
“Had the same experience.”
“We rented a room to a friend.”
“No deposit, as we didn’t really need the extra cash at the time.”
“Dude was a total s***show.”
“I tried to have a chat with him as calmly as possible, and he flipped, moved out, and left a load of raw chicken behind in his food cupboards as a goodbye gift.”
“He b*tched about us in every mutual friend’s place he moved into after and pulled the same stunt in each one.”
“If this guy keeps it up, you’ll lose nothing from cutting ties.”
“The rest of your friend group will cop it eventually if they haven’t already.”
“Just be firm and don’t stoop to his level.” ~ -_Old_-Scratch
“NTA, Mark was a rude/ungrateful/sloppy house guest during his time when he was there daily, which caused his omission from these dinners.”
“OP has a BF problem too; BF should have been appalled at his friend’s sloppy habits.” ~ schec1
“Dude wanted girlfriend privileges from someone else’s girl, and in a place not his house.”
“That’s a BIG no.”
“Mark needs to put on his big boy panties and learn to live like an adult and not a toddler.”
“You aren’t petty.”
“What would be petty would be moving a pasta dinner night to his place, making him cook and clean, making sure you left a nice big mess like dropping spaghetti on the floor, and then not offering to help clean it.”
“Or when he leaves stuff around, calling his mommy and daddy to come pick up after their little helpless baby son.”
“Mark needs to learn to be a better person if he wants to be in a relationship he can keep. NTA.” ~ EienAi
“NTA, I’d have a chat with BF and tell him that what is really bothering you is that Mark says you’re being petty about a dirty coffee mug but it’s really about him showing up every day leaving dirty dishes, and on one occasion dirty socks and expecting you to clean after him and then rolling his eyes at you when you asked him to please clean up after himself and later calling you an a-hole for not tolerating his rudeness.”
“I’d point out that it’s worse that he talked with his bestie, but it didn’t change Mark’s behavior, so maybe see him elsewhere because Mark isn’t willing to change his habits at the house, even when you gave him a second chance, and so did your BF.” ~ julesk
“You aren’t being petty.”
“He had the chance to change his behavior, but he decided to backslide.”
“You’re not preventing him from seeing his friends—he could even host them if he wanted to.”
“It’s just easier for him if you host and clean up after his a**.”
“Mark just doesn’t like suffering the consequences of his shi**y behavior.” ~ NoSummer1345
“NTA, you’re the one making the dinners and inviting everyone.”
“You like Mark less because he’s a slob, and you and David made many attempts to resolve this.”
“Mark doesn’t care; he doesn’t want to learn to be considerate and clean up after himself.”
“It doesn’t matter that David will clean up after him; it’s not about that, it’s about the type of person Mark is.”
“Mark is an entitled slob.” ~ crimpinpimp
“NTA. You have clearly told him your expectations of him as a guest, which are not onerous, and he thinks they are beneath him.” ~ Neat-Ostrich7135
OP came back to chat…
“Edit: to add, since a lot of people think I am cosplaying a trad wife, consider that…”
“I’ve known these people for 6 years; they are my friends at this point.”
“My own friends have serious food allergies, so anything out of my kitchen is inedible to two of them, which makes for a crappy dinner invitation.”
“I WANT to do this, no one is making me, no one is forcing me to slave in the kitchen.”
“My cooking is a hobby; I am more than happy to share it with people.”
“I do feel obligated to set up and clean up.”
“I am the one to invite them, so it only happens when I feel like it.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
This man is a guest in your home.
He needs to act accordingly.
You are not the hired help.
And even if you were, he could still clean up after himself.
Don’t feel bad.