Potluck parties are not only a fun way of bringing people together, but also an efficient way.
As it divides up cooking responsibilities among many people, it does not put the responsibility solely on one person.
Of course, there is always the risk that someone might bring something that one or many people don’t like.
Or, even worse, something someone can’t eat.
For her upcoming birthday, Redditor throwaway-cupcakelad decided to throw a dinner party at her house.
A party she invited her friends to bring food to if they felt so inclined, with some strict restrictions.
When the girlfriend of one of the original poster (OP)’s friends said they intended to bring a cake that did not meet these restrictions, it resulted in both of them being disinvited from the party.
Wondering if she was too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for disinviting a friend to my birthday after she showed me the food she was bringing?”
The OP explained why she rescinded invitations for both a friend and their girlfriend from her birthday party:
“So basically I (17 F[emale]) am having my 18th at my house.”
“It’s just a dinner with my closest friends.”
“I told everyone they may bring food if they like, but im going to do a little cooking, like some BBQ food, and then ordering pizza.”
“My guy friend (“Ryan”) asked if he can bring a mutual friend we have (“Emily”)since they’re dating now.”
“I told him yeah, sure, because he was gonna leave early anyway.”
“She offered to make food, and I told her that would be really nice, but she didn’t have to.”
“She insisted.”
“I made a group chat of people coming, and I invited Emily to it.”
“I sent a message talking about when to come, to wear whatever.”
“An important thing in the message was about allergies.”
“I have a friend coming with a really serious nut allergy.”
“I’ve never seen them have a reaction, but I’ve been told it gets pretty bad.”
“I wrote in the message to triple-check your food doesn’t have nuts and to be aware of cross-contamination.”
“Everyone read the message, some replied.”
“Emily did a thumbs up on the message.”
“Last night, Emily and I were talking, and she mentioned the food she made.”
“I told her to show me a picture, and it was a cake.”
“The cake looked like something my mum had made before, and it contained nuts.”
“I asked if it had nuts, and she said yes, but not a lot, and my friend could not eat the cake.”
“I told her I’d rather she just didn’t bring it.”
“She then got mad and said she’d gone through the trouble of making the cake so she’s bringing it or she isn’t coming.”
“I told her then she’s not coming because I was clear about my friend’s allergy and even cross-contamination was asked to be checked, so why would I allow her to bring a whole cake?”
“She said it was disrespectful to disinvite her and that she’s Ryan’s gf, if he’s going she’s going.”
“I told her no, it’s my party, and I didn’t want her there anymore because she was acting like a child.”
“She stopped texting me but then I got a call from Ryan saying i was being a massive d*ck and she spent ages on the cake.”
“I said I don’t care if it took her two whole weeks to make the g*dd*mn cake, I was specific from the beginning on what u could bring and couldn’t.”
“The only thing you couldn’t bring was something with nuts.”
“The parts where im talking to these two is where I may be TA. I asked if she’s incompetent in reading and comprehension, and if she really doesn’t know any other cake recipe.”
“He said I was being a b*tch and hung up on me.”
“Ryan is telling everyone about him, and Emily is not attending because I called them names and rejected Emily’s cake.”
“A lot of friends, mostly ones not coming to the party, are saying it was slack to let her make something and then un-invite her because of what she made and she put effort in that cake for MY birthday.”
“There’s only three people saying I’m not an AH and one of them is my friend with the nut allergy.”
“My party is tomorrow, and I kinda want perspective on this before then.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for disinviting Ryan and Emily from her party.
Everyone agreed that the OP did the responsible thing by refusing to let Ryan and Emily attend the party, as neither of them seemed to understand the huge risk bringing a cake with nuts to the party was going to be:
“Of course NTA.”
“You know this, OP.”
“If you are struggling with how to explain this- yes, it is your birthday, but you are the HOST.”
“As a host, you have a duty of care to your guests.”
“In protecting your guest with an allergy, you were being a good host.”
“And you would do the same for any health, safety concerns of your other guests.”
“Because you are a good host.”
“End of.”
“Your friends are being ridiculous.”
“The gf is being particularly ridiculous.”
“You are fine.”
“Enjoy your birthday!”- Even_Budget2078
“NTA.”
“Better to lose a friend than to kill one.”- MistressofaDM
“Op: don’t bring anything with nuts.”
“Em: ok.”
“Em: I’m bringing a cake with nuts.”
“Op: don’t bring it.”
“Em: I’m not coming then.”
“Op: ok.”
“NTA.”- nephylsmythe
“NTA”
“And I’d put the truth in the group chat ‘while I appreciate Emily’s efforts on the cake, it violated the one rule that was clearly stated about food, and that was: it’s to contain NO nuts’.”
“‘This was not a preference thing, but a safety issue regarding allergies.”
“‘When I asked Emily not to bring the cake, she issued an ultimatum that it was either her and the cake or nothing, so I picked the option that upholds guest safety’.”
“‘I’m sorry that the discussion escalated and I didn’t handle it appropriately at that point’.”
“‘Hopefully we can all move on from this’.”- Preference_Afraid
“Cross-contamination doesn’t just occur while cooking something or in ingredients.”
“It occurs when someone eats a piece of cake with nuts, touching it with their fingers, and then touches some serving ware or a door handle or other common surface.”
“If the next person to touch that is the nut allergy person, that can cause a reaction.”
“They can ‘not eat the cake’ and still have a reaction caused by the nuts in it.”
“This is why so many schools and preschools are nut-free.
“Ask Emily if she is willing to sign a legal document accepting responsibility for all costs and damages arising from triggering a nut allergy by bringing a cake with nuts after she was specifically told not to use nuts.”
“NTA, and thank you for protecting your friend.”- Living-Ad8963
“NTA.”
“Ask them all if they think it’s worth risking a medical emergency just so she can bring a cake.”
“Ask them what’s more important, a cake or their friend’s life.”- keesouth
“NTA.”
“Protecting the person with the nut allergy comes before anything else, including feelings.”
“There’s no option.”
“No nuts was extremely clear, yet Emily went and decided to make a cake with nuts.”
“That’s on her.”
“Ryan and Emily aren’t good friends.”- MoulanRougeFae
“NTA, you were trying to avoid a health emergency at your bday.”
“Sounds like you are a good friend.”- greentreemoss
“NTA.”
“You were clear about it.”
“She was pushing your boundaries to see how far she can manipulate you (not at all, you doubled down on keeping your allergic friend alive) and her boyfriend (he’s completely under her spell).”
“I’d put one last statement out: nut allergies aren’t a joke, if you insist on coming to a nut-free space with nuts you’re brandishing a weapon, and you will be treated accordingly.”- allyearswift
“NTA.”
“She’s trying to kill someone.”
“On your birthday.”
“Definitely you’ll get implicated.”- mochi7227
“NTA.”
“I lost a good friend to a peanut allergy.”
“He had a slice of pizza.”
“We later found out the pan the pizza was cooked on was oiled with peanut oil.”
“The pizza place never mentioned that they used peanut oil.”
“It was so senseless.”- alarmistrenegade
Emily didn’t seem to grasp that some allergies are so severe that even being in the vicinity of some foods can cause a reaction.
Something the OP was clearly trying to avoid at her birthday party.
If Emily and Ryan showed no concern whatsoever for their friends’ safety and well-being, then it’s probably best they sit this party out.