When two people commit to a long-term relationship, especially a legally binding marriage, it’s important for them to discuss hot topics and common relationship deal-breakers.
This doesn’t just include their thoughts on religion and having kids. It’s also important to talk about other things that we might overlook, like how to approach budgeting and money management, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Old-Donkey8984 knew that his future wife was in serious debt, and he was willing to help her get out of debt, marry her, and even go through financial management therapy sessions with her to help with her spending.
But when she went so far as to take out multiple credit cards in secret, including one in his name, to keep up with her impulsive spending, the Original Poster (OP) knew that his marriage was over.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for divorcing my wife after she went into massive debt again?”
The OP committed to marrying his wife and helping her get out of debt.
“I (34 Male) met my wife (32 Female) five years ago. She was $60K in debt from credit cards, personal loans, etc.”
“A while after we got serious, I helped her get a consolidation loan from consumer credit card relief. I actually paid it all off on her behalf through them. Monthly payments, the whole deal.”
“Things were great for about two years. We got married, bought a house, and life was good.”
But then the OP became suspicious that something was going on.
“Then I started noticing packages arriving daily. She got secretive about the mail. Bills were being hidden.”
“When I finally confronted her, it turned out she had racked up another $45K in debt across seven different cards.”
“I was devastated. We tried counseling (financial management classes and marriage counseling), but she kept spending behind my back.”
“She even opened a card in MY name and completely maxed it out.”
The OP realized their marriage couldn’t work with such different beliefs about money.
“I filed for divorce last month.”
“Now her family is blowing up my phone, saying I’m an a**hole for abandoning her ‘when she needs help most.'”
“Am I wrong for walking away? I feel like I tried everything, and she betrayed my trust repeatedly.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this wasn’t a relationship he wanted to stay in.
“Run. Don’t walk. I worked with a guy that went through this and it took him years to get out from under the debt. Don’t do that to yourself. Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer all.” – Fridaybird1985
“NTA. The first SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS was OP being supportive.”
“Anything after that is EX-Wife’s choice and responsibility.”
“And that’s without going into the outright fraud of opening a card in OP’s name.” – comfortablynumb15
“He really needs to file a police report regarding her opening a credit card in his name. Why would she stop doing that if she is not held accountable?” – Kenai-Phoenix
“She cheated on you financially, and given that you are married, her debt is now your debt. Tell her family that if they want to help, they can contribute to paying off her debt; that will confirm your stance, since they won’t help.”
“Be done before the 10-year mark. Get a good attorney and freeze your accounts now. Don’t tell her you are doing that as it can get worse. Stop being nice. She didn’t care, so you should stop caring. File charges: if you don’t, you will be liable.” – Plus-Implement
“Even though OP was able and willing to pay off the consumer loan for her, they would have been better served by doing financial counseling then, and having a plan that involved her making payments as well, as much as she could reasonably afford.”
“What she learned was that spending wildly above your means doesn’t cause any discomfort if you can get someone else to pay it off.”
“There are lots of reasons that people overspend. Differences in financial outlook and management are one of the leading causes of broken relationships/marriages.”
“OP needs to get a good lawyer to help extricate himself from this marriage without it costing him another significant loss. May also need to file fraud charges over a credit card opened in his name.” – Over_Cranberry1365
“NTA, OP. Dave Ramsey talks about this. He’s an out-of-touch turd box, but this is one part that I think he got right.”
“It’s called financial infidelity, and it’s a very serious betrayal. Her problem and addiction comes out as shopping. She’s got deep-rooted issues and is willing to wreck you financially instead of facing them.”
“It’s really sad, but if she won’t change or get help, I’m not sure what you can do. This isn’t a viable marriage and should be a deal breaker for you.” – ChanmanAlt_41
“NTA. You’ve been helping her from Day One. Unless she helps herself and you decide not to be her ATM anymore, this marriage gets worse for you.”
“Report the identity theft to the police now, freeze and lock your credit, separate and move your money from any accounts she has access to, and talk to a lawyer now.”
“She broke any trust in opening a card in your name without your knowledge.” – New-Junket5892
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-wife’s family could help her out of debt instead.
“NTA. Her family can go f**k themselves, AND they can help pay HER debt if they really care about her ‘needing help the most.’ Where was the help to the OP when he was bailing her out of 60K in debt and going through financial management classes that HE didn’t need?” – CloudDefensiveMatt
“Her family should try paying her debt off and see if you’re the AH or they are. Paying off 60k debt and then ANOTHER 45k, that’s crazy.” – Novaluna_02
“NTA. Since they’re so opinionated about you leaving your ex-wife in the dust, ask each family member how much money they are going to contribute towards paying off her debt so you can have a fresh start and live happily ever after. They only have 45K to split amongst themselves, after all; you covered 60K on your own.”
“Hope you have cancelled all the credit cards she has access to, moved your money out of any joint accounts, and locked your credit. Remove yourself from the entire situation as soon as you can.” – Constant_Host_3212
“NTA. Her family is just p**sed they will have to deal with her now, and she won’t have the OP paying for her debt anymore.”
“I’m sure they’ll find a way to keep enabling her, but they can do it without mixing you into that mess. You have done enough.” – UnusualPotato1515
“NTA, but this is a form of addiction. She needs her own therapy. This is about more than your relationship. It’s about her mental health.”
“And yes, her family can support her during this time if you do not want to. That’s okay. It’s your life too, and this is an exhausting path.”
“I wish spending addictions were as recognized as drug or alcohol addictions.” – Known_Witness3268
“She needs help for sure. But it doesn’t sound like she is reaching out for that kind of help. OP’s only option is to leave. She has to realize she has an addiction/compulsion problem and start dealing with it.”
“Tell the family to f**k off and consider themselves lucky that the OPÂ didn’t file a police report for identity theft.” – Super_Selection1522
“She is 32 years old. No one, including her family, is responsible for her choices or her debts. This woman needs to learn a hard lesson about how life works when you are an adult. She’ll just keep spending beyond her means until she figures it out.” – FishermanUsed2842
“NTA. You didn’t abandon her. You solved her problem for her two years ago, and she stomped on that help and did it again. Shopping addiction can be something significant, but the lack of accountability and the lying, she broke your vows a long time ago.”
“I have a friend who went through something similar, and there were always more lies, not just spending. They’re getting divorced now, thank god, but he found out his ex-wife’s family had bailed her out before, to the tune of $100k. Then he basically did the same, and she racked up $90k all over again.”
“Over the years, she racked up about $300k in debt across all these bailouts. She will not change until someone stops bailing her out. The same is true for the OP’s ex-wife. My friend and the OP don’t have to stay on the sinking ship with them.” – StainedGlasser
The subReddit applauded the OP for committing to his relationship and upholding his wedding vows by trying to help his wife move past her debt and even heal her impulsive spending habits and problematic relationship with money.
But when she continued to spend and hid the transactions, bills, and likely items, it was clear that she was unwilling to uphold the same vows.
While spending addictions exist, and it was clear that the OP’s wife needed help working through it, the OP did not necessarily have to ruin his life, his future, and his finances in the process.