We all have a family heirloom or possession that holds immeasurable value.
Most of the time, we always keep these possessions close to us, ensuring that nothing will happen to them, and they remain safe and secure.
Sometimes, however, we might unexpectedly lose track of where we kept or left something that has meaning to us.
In worst-case scenarios, we might even discover that they're no longer in our possession.
The Roommate of Redditor Temporary-Effect2898 slowly began spending less and less time in their shared apartment.
Eventually, they even stopped paying rent.
Leading the original poster (OP) to make an executive decision regarding their roommate's possessions.
A decision the OP's roommate didn't appreciate one bit.
Worried that they may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for donating my roommate's family heirloom to goodwill?"
The OP explained why they ended up in hot water with their Roommate:
"I've (22, F[emale]) posted here about my roommate (24,F) before."
"She has always had issues contributing to the household, including buying things like toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc."
"She also rarely does her dishes promptly or takes out the trash or other household chores, and struggles to pay utilities on time."
"Sometimes I even have to hound her for the rent."
"I felt bad at first because clearly she wasn't equipped to live alone but I quickly got frustrated and became short with her."
"We were friends at first but not so much anymore after I've had to put up with her for this long."
"Our year long lease ended and we have been living month to month since then."
"Eventually she got a boyfriend."
"He lives with his parents but that hasn't stopped her from spending most of her time at their house."
"I started seeing her less and less."
"A couple days into May I hadn't seen her for maybe two weeks."
"I texted and called her to see when she was going to pay her share of rent (due on the 5th) but she basically ghosted me."
"I got in contact with her mom and eventually my roommate reached out to say she's staying with her boyfriend's family 'for now' and doesn't think she should be expected to pay rent for somewhere she's not staying."
"I kindly asked if that meant she would be moving out, but she didn't respond."
"I paid rent myself, which was a huge, unexpected expense."
"After that, I decided I was done."
"I texted her over the course of May and June, asking her to move her stuff out, but she didn't respond to me."
"Her mom kept promising me that her daughter would take care of it, but she never once got back to me."
"After July started, I recruited a couple of friends to help me pack up the stuff in her room and donated most of it to Goodwill and the Salvation Army."
"I also asked the landlord to change the locks, which he did."
"The other evening, she finally showed up and was mad that the locks had been changed."
"I told her she's not living here and doesn't pay rent, so she has no reason to enter the apartment."
"She got even more upset and said that she was never moving out, she was just staying with him for the time being."
"She told me the situation didn't work out, so she planned to come back and live here again."
"I told her that she was already off the lease, and it's my rental now."
"She started crying and said she had nowhere else to go, and I felt really bad."
"She asked if she could at least get some of her stuff, she needed some clean clothes and a shower."
"I told her that because she never told me she was coming back or made plans to move her stuff out, I donated everything that was in her room unless it looked precious or expensive and stored the rest in her closet."
"She completely freaked out and threatened to call the police on me."
"She was inconsolable."
"She cried about how I even donated her dead grandmother's wedding dress, which had been in a special box somewhere in her room."
"I apologized profusely because I did feel really bad, but it all could have been avoided if she had tried to communicate with me."
"I told her by July I would start getting rid of things if she didn't make plans to do it herself."
"Where I live, a unit is considered abandoned once they vacated and the tenant owes rent."
"The cost of the items being donated will determine how long I need to store them before getting rid of them."
"I asked her to make arrangements for her things beginning in early May, which she ignored."
"I emphasized in June that I would be donating her things by July, which she also ignored."
"Additionally, her mother was aware the whole time and promised me her daughter would take care of it by June 30th, which she didn't."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for donating her roommate's possessions.
Everyone agreed that the OP gave their roommate fair warning, and if these items meant as much to her roommate as she claimed, then she should have taken better care of them and not simply left them behind.
"After reading op's responses, I see that she did indeed tell her roommate in a text that if she did not hear from her soon, she would start getting rid of her stuff."
"With that in mind, I really don't see what more could have been done here."
"Exactly how much is a person expected to do when the other party simply ghosts them?"
"Really, it's not fair to continue rewarding such egregious behavior."
"Op had to pay her share of the rent ffs."
"Where is the outrage about that?"
"I'd be furious if I had to pay for someone else's rent."
"Then she just shows up and expects to be let back in?"
"I wouldn't even have talked to her until she paid me back for her share of the rent."
"OP isn't running a charity house or a storage unit."
"It's rent!"
"You signed a legal document!"
"The roommate, in essence, told OP to hell with your money."
"Well, then to hell with your belongings."
"That seems eminently fair to me."
"I don't bestow kindness on those who treat me like dirt."
"NTA."- KathyOverAndOut
"She can't have it both ways in a month-to-month situation."
"Not live there so she doesn't pay rent, but then demand access to her stuff because she lives there without having paid rent/storage fees for those months?"
"Sounds like she was playing house and keen to ignore your Debbie Downer texts about her real-life situation."
"But this started in May."
"This is on her."
"NTA."- Snackinpenguin
"NTA."
"Once she skipped out on May rent, and it was clear her intention on not paying her rent was because she was 'not staying there,' which makes it clear that she's no longer your roommate."
"She now has 30 days from that date to get all her stuff out."
"You are NOT a storage facility."
"You gave her 60 days to get her stuff, and she did not."
"She had 60 days to get her belongings."
"She expected to lie low, skip out on 3 months' worth of rent, and just come back like NBD, and we all know she was never going to pay you back for her share of May, June, or July rent."
"She can kick rocks."- Fickle-Cabinet3956
"NTA."
"She literally and legally abandoned her belongings."
"You got rid of these things that she treated as if she didn't want to claim them."
"You are not a free storage facility for anyone."
"You did nothing wrong and have nothing for which to apologize or feel guilty or responsible."
"Hope this girl learns from her mistake."- Expert_Slip7543
"I had a similar thing happen to me, funny enough."
"Roommate was a severe alcoholic, the worst I've ever seen in my life by far."
'Like, 'down multiple 5ths of vodka/tequila in a single sitting and chase it with a couple beers' alcoholic."
"He inevitably got behind on rent, and one day he just... vanished."
"Apparently, he ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, and his parents took him either back to their house or off to some AA/intensive rehab or something, I don't know."
"Of course I only found out about all of this long after the fact."
"For months I heard absolutely f*ck all from anyone, had no idea if he was alive or dead, nothing from him, nothing from his parents, nothing whatsoever."
"I was doing fine financially at the time so I decided to just eat the full cost of rent rather than roll the dice on another tweaker roommate."
"Anyways, I patiently held onto his stuff all the way until my lease was up and it was time to move out."
"Literally the last day of the lease, as I'm doing the final cleanup before I turn in my keys, I finally decided to toss all his crap in a dumpster."
"Not even an hour after I'm done throwing his stuff out, as I'm loading the last of my things up into my car, he suddenly shows up out of nowhere."
"After getting over my shock of seeing him, I tell him he's lucky he showed up when he did because his stuff is still in the dumpster if he wants to go get it."
"He gets pissed and starts yelling at at me for throwing it out in the first place, like it's my fault he disappeared for nearly 6 months without a word and waited until the literal last day of my lease to come get his things."
"Some people are just crazy, entitled, and expect you to bend over backwards for them, and better yet, they think you owe them that kindness without them even having to ask or communicate at all, when they've done absolutely nothing for you."
"NTA."
"Some people are just wild."- OS_Apple32
If anything, the OP should consider herself lucky that her possessions ended up being given to charity, rather than simply thrown out onto the street.
Which is exactly where they would have been had the OP's roommate been dealing with a landlord, and not the OP.
Hopefully, this experience will teach the OP's roommate that she can't simply live her life in a way that's convenient to her.
Based on her behavior, though, one sadly doubts that's the case...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp