Food is a precious commodity.
Hence why many people don't take too kindly to people who waste their food.
Even so, we've all been guilty of our eyes being bigger than our stomachs, leaving food or drink unfinished.
It's what we do with the unfinished food and drink that ultimately matters.
Redditor Dog-girl-1986 recently enjoyed a vacation with her family.
Things took an unexpected turn, however, during a nice dinner out, when her husband berated her for not finishing all that was in front of her.
When he demanded she leave her dishes empty, the original poster (OP) flatly refused.
Surprised and confused by her husband's behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for ordering water at a restaurant?"
The OP explained why he felt her glass was definitely half-empty (and not half-full) at a recent dinner out:
"Some context, my husband and I make good money and live below our means generally."
"We are currently enjoying a winter vacation in a mountain hotel (4000€ for the week approximately) hotel includes breakfast and dinner, but not drinks at dinner."
"The hotel charges 4 euros for a litre of water (just tap water, but all the water in the mountain village comes from a spring)."
"Although I think this is a little much from the restaurant, it's not something I let ruin my mood."
"I have asthma, so after a day of being outside in the mountains, I'm generally extra thirsty."
"At dinner, my husband made a remark about me drinking as much water yesterday as it costs to fill our pool at home."
"We ordered a bottle of wine and water when we sat down to dinner, and during the dinner I ordered another water (same as yesterday)."
"My husband looked very upset when he came back from the restroom, and the water was brought to the table."
"He didn't refill his glass or drink any water after that."
"After dessert, I finished my last sip of wine from my glass and my ice cream."
"There was about a glass of water left in the glass water jug."
"He asked me if I was finishing the water, and I said no, I wasn't thirsty anymore and full from the five-course dinner."
"He then proceeded to berate me for ordering water if I wasn't going to finish it."
"He then poured himself a glass of water and finished it in one slug."
"I told him I found it petty that he was so upset about it."
"He told me I should have asked first to order water (if anybody wanted more), keep in mind our four-year-old's glass was also empty."
"I told him I'm a grown woman and I'll order water if I'm thirsty."
"But I'm not being made to feel bad for leaving a little at the end of the dinner if everybody had had their fill."
"So am I the a**hole for ordering water for the table knowing I would drink the majority of the liter myself?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not finishing her water.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP's husband was worrisomely controlling, wondering why he was so fixated on not finishing water that cost a scintilla of what they were paying for their vacation:
"NTA."
"This is such a weird hill for your husband to choose."
"Is something else going on with y'all?"- Fatt3stAveng3r
"NTA."
"That bottle of wine probably cost way more the 4 euro."
"What a weird thing to be mad about when dropping 1000x more money on a vacation."-thenexttimebandit
"NTA and holy cow, is your husband always this controlling?"
"Over €4 or €4000, it makes no difference."
"By this same logic, no one should order a meal if they don't intend to finish every single bite (ridiculous)."
"I bet that European mountain spring water is super delicious -- order an extra bottle for me tonight."- dufusbozo9000
"NTA."
"You guys spent $4k on a hotel for a week, but he wants to throw fits about $4 water bottles?"
"Nah."- iFLED
"NTA."
"If you can afford a €4000 vacation, wine, and dessert with dinner, you can afford €4 for water."
"Your husband is being weirdly cheap."
"It's important to drink water, especially at high altitudes, dehydration is dangerous at that altitude and the dry air makes it worse."- CestLaquoidarling
"NTA."
"Your husband is a major one, though."
"If he's so hard pressed over 4 euro for some water that he has to bully and berate you while you stay in a multi-thousand dollar resort, you have a husband problem."- Discount_Mithral
"NTA."
"But seriously?"
"Is your husband like this usually?"
"Or is it specific to paying for water?"
"If it's an automatic response to paying for tap water (which really should be free), and sees that he's been overreacting, then okay."
"But otherwise it's a big overreaction on his part."- AcanthisittaThat5746
"Water!?"
"In this economy?!?"
"NTA."
"A 4000 euro vacation isn't what he's stressing about, but the water?"
"Or maybe he is stressed."
"Idk."
"But there's something else going on."
"Is he feeling insecure in his job?"- nasnedigonyat
"NTA."
"What is going on with the husband?"
"His actions don't make sense."- Jeff998g
"You are definitely NTA."
"Please know that."
"I suspect this isn't about water."- misslo718
"NTA."
"If he's stressed over finances, why did he agree to book an expensive vacation?"
"Is this a pattern with him?"
"Is he always this controlling?"- HowlPen
"NTA."
"Order what you want."
"He is being childish in front of the literal child."- RainInTheWoods
"NTA."
"First, paying for water (even tap) in Europe is pretty normal."
"Second, people order things and don't finish them all the time."
"Lots of countries/restaurants don't have 'takeout', so if you don't finish the whole meal or your drink, you can't just put it in a box/cup to take home."
"They don't discount it just because you ate less; it's still the same price."
"He's being petty over a glass of water, out of a whole pitcher worth."
"It would be the same as leaving a handful of French fries on the plate because you were full."
"Should you not have ordered them at all if you couldn't eat the whole order?"
"No."
"You consumed what you wanted, and the rest can be eaten/drank by someone else in the family or left at the restaurant."- Sheer-kei
"NTA."
"And this is coming from someone whose family usually never wastes a single drop of drink or a bit of food at the table."
"We would force ourselves to finish it or at least pack it to bring home and finish later."
"Still, none of us would overreact as your husband did at the bit of water left in the jug."
"Which begs the question, what is truly wrong?"
"Did something else happen?"
"Has something else been happening for a while now?"
"Has he done this with other things before or is this truly the first time?"
"Ask yourself these questions, and if it is safe to do so, have a calm conversation with him about it."
"I hope it is something that can be resolved and not the start of another story of abuse."
"Good luck, OP, and stay safe."- MeerkatMagnificent
"NTA - and WTF?"
"He'll order an entire bottle of wine but has gripes over a 4 euro bottle of water?"
"That's so bizarre."
"This has to be a symptom of a bigger problem with him or with your relationship."- StrategyAncient6770
"NTA."
"It's WATER."
"You need it to live, and I never subscribe to 'the hotel has great water in your room' - yeah, in the bathroom, and that faucet is gonna be a no-go from me."
"This is just a normal holiday expense in Europe and, frankly, he sounds nutso."- Beatrix-the-floof
"No NTA, it's water, how tf do people complain so god damn much?"- Andras1100
"NTA Your husband is okay paying $4000 Euro for a week's stay, but is squawking about $4 Euros for a bottle of water?"
"Sounds petty to me,'A Happy wife is a happy life'."- RenaissanceMan1963
"NTA!"
"If the expense of a bottle of water or even x10 bottles is so crippling to him, then the holiday is unaffordable in his mind."
"I like VOSS water in the huge glass bottle, yes, it's stupid expensive in a bar (more than the same in beer) but... IT IS MY CHOICE!"
"Do you ever question the prices to 100ml ratio on everything he drinks?"
"I guess no!"
"He is trying to control you by limiting your purchase choices."
"BIG RED FLAG!"- ProlapseProvider
If this is how the OP's husband reacts to an unfinished glass of water, one can't help but share the Reddit community's concerns at what else might go on in this marriage...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp