Making careful financial decisions and practicing some frugality are important activities, especially in today’s economy.
But life is not guaranteed, so it’s important to occasionally spend on something that will bring us joy, and that’s of better quality, while we still have the time, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
It was very important to Redditor OkTable4772 to be able to retire early and enjoy life, so they were extremely frugal in their spending.
But when their wife got them a gift they knew she would enjoy, the Original Poster (OP) was angry that she used their birthday to justify an expensive purchase that was for both of them.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my wife that the birthday gift she gave me wasn’t actually meant for me?”
The OP and their wife agreed about how to spend money.
“We’re a couple in our mid-30s. A typical middle-class household in UK, committed to a frugal lifestyle since the beginning.”
“Spending wholeheartedly on food (reasonably priced ones) and travel once a year. No kids, our ultimate goal is early retirement.”
“We gift each other on birthdays from our separate bank accounts. Till now, the gifts have always been meant for the receiver, as it should be.”
The OP was skeptical when their wife wanted to make a luxury purchase.
“Generally, we’re against luxury products, but my wife has been wishing for a Dyson hair dryer for around three months. Two months ago, she hesitantly told me about it for the first time.”
“I was mildly against it. I didn’t say ‘no’ but advised her to wait and think seven to 15 days before making the purchase. Whenever we have the urge to buy something unnecessary, we just wait seven to 15 days, and the wish is gone! It works most of the times, and if we still want it, then we know we really want it.”
“She didn’t mention it again, and I forgot about it, too.”
“But yesterday was my birthday, and she gifted me that same hair dryer.”
The OP tried to give the hair dryer a fair chance.
“Before making any assumptions, I took a couple of minutes to observe and think about why she did that.”
“A few important points: I have a full head of hair but very rarely use a hair dryer, maybe two or three times per year. I always keep my hair short (approximately two inches). Clearly, I’m not a fan of such grooming products.”
“The previous hair dryer is working fine. Also, I use Instagram, so I’m aware that Dyson products are gaining popularity among women.”
The OP decided to test their theory.
“I opened it, and after looking it over, I handed it to her.”
“That was my strategic move to observe her reaction, in order to verify my assumptions.”
“She immediately took it and was very excitedly looking over it, feeling the touch, commenting on its smoothness, etc.”
The OP called their wife out on her purchase of their “birthday gift.”
“Then I straightforwardly told her that, ‘This gift is not actually for me, right?'”
“This immediately spoiled her mood. She said, ‘Why would you say that?'”
“After an awkward silence for a minute, she went to the bedroom and acted asleep.”
“The box is still lying on the sofa. She hasn’t touched it since then.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Despite understanding the OP’s concerns, some took issue with how the OP treated their wife.
“You are NTA for being upset that you were given a gift you didn’t want and that wasn’t really for you.”
“However, honestly, your attitude sounds exhausting.”
“Your wife wants something and has for a while. She had to hesitantly tell you about it. Is she nervous to tell you when she wants to spend money?”
“You didn’t say no to her? She is a grown adult with a job and her own money. The whole ‘tell her to think about it’ thing sounds to me like you are treating her like a child.”
“No one should have to tiptoe around their partner when they want to buy something.” – dudleymunta
“ESH. Read how you talk about it. ‘I took a couple of minutes to observe,’ and ‘my strategic move to observe.’ She’s a person, and your wife, not a lab rat.”
“I think the actual gift she gave you was a clear message that, despite your protestations, she didn’t actually feel able to buy it for herself. Rather than focus on the hairdryer, look at whether she does ever buy herself things or whether it’s only you who ever treats themselves after the seven- to 15-day cool-off period.”
“Also, is it both your aims to save now and retire early, or just yours, and she has no choice in the matter? Are you 100% sure she feels like she has an equal say?” – Daveii_captain
“NTA, but also YTA.”
“The way you speak about her and see her through your eyes isn’t giving ‘wife’ or ‘love.’ It’s giving, ‘science experiment’ and ‘way, way beneath me.'” – Resident-Jellyfish61
“NTA, but the way you talk about expenses, financial planning, and how you ‘strategically’ gauged her reaction gives me the impression you’re also emotionally very cold.”
“Sounds like your wife feels a lot of guilt for wanting nicer things in general. Do look into why that is and whether it’s warranted at all.” – RedRunner04
“A Dyson is 500 dollars, while a regular one is somewhere between 30 and 100 dollars.”
“There’s a reason it’s that expensive, though. It’s not a regular dryer. They have attachments that do different things.”
“If you use your hair dryer several times a week, this kind of thing is a nice purchase. Sure, it’s not a necessity, and it’s a lot for ‘just a hair dryer,’ but nearly every woman I know wants one, and even the ones who say they don’t, kind of secretly do.”
“I’m generally very frugal, my hair dryer cost 25 dollars, and I’ve had it 12 years. But I borrowed my friend’s Dyson before an event once, and it was amazing, and honestly, if I had the money to buy one, I absolutely would. It’s one of those purchases that you save money elsewhere so you can have some nice things where it matters to you.”
“I suppose the OP is right to be mad, because this is kind of a s**t move to pull, and he should be upset he’s been shafted out of a gift. But it’s important to remember that different people value different things.”
“I don’t understand people buying expensive cars or merch for a TV show they like, but people spend money on things that bring them joy, and they value.”
“OP’s wife has made it clear this is something that she values and would make her happy, and it is irrelevant what that purchase is if they can afford it. It should have been a gift for her, with something else for the OP for the OP’s birthday, and that’s that. They both messed up.” – CuriousPickle4628
“You’re both the a**hole. A FRUGAL lifestyle doesn’t have to mean CHEAP.”
“My husband and I are child-free and plan to retire at 55. We also don’t like the quick-fashion consumer lifestyle. We do our research and do the math. We buy GOOD products that may be a bit pricey, but will last forever.”
“We get snow where we live. We didn’t buy cheap snow boots from Walmart. We did our research. We got Sorel Winter boots. We have had each of our pairs for over 10 years at this point. They are stylish AND still work amazingly. With proper upkeep, the only thing we have had to replace is the laces.”
“I used to buy cheap Revlon hair dryers for 30 to 35 years. Because of the length and thickness of my hair, they would break after a year. I kept buying new ones each year.”
“I ended up doing my research and getting a 350-dollar Shark Hair Dryer. I have had it for four years at this point, and it’s still in perfect condition. I also got it from Costco, so I can return it at any point if it breaks.”
“So yes, while her gift was obviously not meant for you. You also made her feel bad about wanting to purchase something she really wanted, to the point that this was the only way she felt she could get it.”
“Financial responsibility is all well and good. But what’s the point in living if you’re just gonna live off the bar minimum all the time?” – Lighthouse_on_Mars
Others challenged the couple to “live a little,” even if it came in the form of enjoying a new Dyson Airwrap.
“Not an a**hole or not comment, but I will say that hearing about this life put me to sleep.”
“Their goal is to retire early and do WHAT exactly? Go on two vacations a year and eat saltines with tap water?” – MustGoOutside
“Money is inherently worthless. It’s only what you can exchange it for that has value. I get being frugal, but it should be in support of some end other than itself.” – lotus2471
“Working in healthcare, I’ve seen too many people get terminally ill before or just after retirement or die in a horrible accident. The ICU at my workplace has a saying painted on one of the staff kitchen walls: ‘Save memories, not money.'”
“You never know when your time comes, so spend quality time with those you love and live your life to the fullest. And yes, for some people, that means material luxuries like a Dyson hair dryer or a nice perfume.”
“Also, depending on your hair type, sometimes you do need more expensive products to get a professional look, which might help your career, as well. Like it or not, we women are still judged on our appearance.” – SnorkBorkGnork
“My father went into work every day, to a job he HATED, for 35 years. He called in sick exactly eight times in those 35 years.”
“Two months before retirement, he had a stroke and was basically housebound from that day.”
“My parents were so looking forward to traveling and ‘having fun.’ Instead, my mom retired and took care of my dad for 17 years. By the time my dad passed on, my mom was in her 80s and never got to travel the way they wanted to. It was just such a sad way to end two lives.” – Effective-Dog-6201
“Nine and a half years ago, we splurged on a ‘big’ trip for our landmark anniversary. At the time, I kind of worried about the money, but went and enjoyed myself immensely anyway.”
“Six months later, I was in a terrible accident and haven’t been the same physically since.”
“What got me through all those years of surgeries and rehab? Remembering climbing on the mountains, wading through the streams, looking over the dunes, all on that trip.” – aloneintheupwoods
“They sound like the most tedious couple.”
“I get not blowing money, but Christ on a bike, LIVE A LITTLE.”
“What are your plans for early retirement? You might not be fit enough to do it, things might have changed, or you might become ill.”
“I’m BAFFLED by some ppl just assuming retirement is when they’ll start living their life. Assuming you make it that far.”
“Poor woman just wanted a nice hair dryer.” – Interesting-Lake747
The subReddit could understand being frugal, spending money wisely, and saving up money.
They could similarly understand the OP being disappointed that the gift they received was not pointedly for them, but something their wife could enjoy just as much, if not more.
But they could not help but think that the couple’s frugality and the wife’s choice of a gift were more related than the OP realized. It seemed to them that the OP received a gift that the wife could financially validate as a gift for someone else, more pointedly for the OP, than she could rationalize for herself, because of their strict spending decisions.
If the OP’s wife felt a little freer to spend, she might choose something like this for herself, while choosing gifts for the OP that were meaningful for them.