Often times, parents only want the very best for their children.
Sometimes, that means being overly critical of their significant other.
But where should the line between critique and bullying be drawn?
A woman on Reddit canceled the anniversary party she was throwing for her parents because they are "embarrassed" by her husband's job and don't want him to attend, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor pixiiexxsensual asked:
"AITAH for canceling my parents' anniversary party after they uninvited my husband because he's a waiter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28/F[emale]) have been married to my husband (30/M[ale]) for three years."
"He's an amazing partner and works as a waiter at a high-end restaurant, which he loves."
"My parents have always been a bit snobby about his job, making comments like, 'When will he get a real career?'"
"A few months ago, my siblings and I planned a big surprise party for my parents' 30th anniversary."
"I was covering the majority of the costs because I'm in a better financial position."
"Invitations were sent, catering was booked, and everything was set."
"Last week, my mom called me and said they were 'uncomfortable' with my husband attending because some of their 'prestigious' friends would be there, and they didn't want to be 'embarrassed' by his job."
"I was stunned."
"I told her that was cruel and unacceptable, but she doubled down, saying, 'It's just one night — he should understand.'"
"I immediately canceled the entire party, letting my siblings know why."
"They're furious with our parents but think canceling was too extreme since 'the party wasn't just for them — it was for the whole family.'"
"My parents are devastated and calling me selfish, saying I ruined their milestone."
"AITAH?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If your parents are so prestigious, they can pay for their own anniversary party."
"NTA" - RefrigeratorCold296
"NTA."
"Your parents are acting like their 'prestigious' friends can't handle the shock of meeting a guy who works for a living."
"Canceling the party was a chef's kiss-level power move."
"Why throw a party for people who think your husband's job is beneath them?"
"They should've celebrated their milestone with the dignity they apparently think they have."
"If they're devastated, maybe they can cry into their snobby champagne and reflect on how trashy their behavior really is."
"You didn't ruin their milestone...they did." - 410Writer
"NTA, they ruined their own fu**ing milestone."
"Who asks to uninvite a co-host?"
"You can tell your parents that their 'prestigious' friends already know what kind of ungrateful bigots your parents are." - Sparklingwine23
"NTA and I bet your husband makes good money as a server at a high-end restaurant!" - Actual-Swordfish1513
"And I thought my MIL didn't like me....."
"I am so sorry...you are NTA." - PodFan06082
"Your husband is your partner, and it's completely reasonable to defend him when your parents are being disrespectful about his job."
"His career choice is valid, and his work as a waiter shouldn't be a source of embarrassment for anyone."
"Your mom's comments about not wanting him at the party because of his job show a lack of respect and understanding, and it's commendable that you stood up for him" - down_to_earths
"NTA. Your parents are being total jerks."
"It's messed up that they wouldn't want your husband there just because of his job."
"You did the right thing by canceling the party." - Junior-Author6225
"NTA - your parents on the other hand, are!"
"Well done for choosing you & your husband." - Proud_Diamond1996
"NTA. "
"If they're ashamed of your husband, they shouldn't be surprised when their actions have consequences."
"It's their anniversary, but it's your money and respect on the line."
"You stood up for your partner, and that's what matters most." - RosettaPink_
"NTA why would you want to throw a fancy party for people who think their son in law is so far beneath them, his simple presence is embarrassing."
"I mean if they wanna bite the hands that feed them (at least as far as a party is concerned), they should've been prepared for the outcome." - Lacroix24601
"Nta. Your parents are absolute trash" - Agitated-Buy8146
"NTA They'll reach their milestone with or without a party."
"Was any of husband's money going to help pay for the party?" - wlfwrtr
"NTA - besides as your parents said, it's just one night." - meeeee01
"NTA, you stood up for your husband."
"The one thing I feel like too many families (including my own) have a problem with is maintaining some form of pride and reputation."
"It's honestly disgusting and incredibly lacking of compassion."
"Your husband shouldn't be seen by them as a possible stain on the family's reputation."
"You did the right thing, as your family's pride is not important to the point of isolating your husband from the family." - McGamezOnline
"NTA they ruined their milestone. Maybe next time they should pay for it themselves." - Lizardgirl25
"NTA."
"The party was to celebrate your a**hole parent's anniversary."
"It was absolutely for THEM."
"And you certainly don't have to pay for any celebration for them." - grayblue_grrl
"NTA, your first responsibility is to defend and protect your spouse."
"Your mom is trash for belittling your husband's career."
"She needs to apologize."
"Your siblings reactions shouldn't be overlooked either."
"How would they handle it if she said terrible things about their spouses?" - Dry-Leg8804
"NTA!! Good for you for sticking by your man."
"Pretentious parents don't deserve a party."
"High-end restaurants can leave you with $3-400 in tips in a 4-hour shift."
"I'd say your husband is on a great career path!" - False_Record429
"How can they say 'it's for the whole family' when ur hubby is family!!!"
"NTA if they want the party, let them pay" - AstronomerWestern109
"NTA."
"Tell your parents that selfish is uninviting someone who is helping pay for a party and still expecting them to pay."
"Also tell them that you get what you pay for and they paid nothing, so they get nothing." - RJack151
"Absolutely NTA."
"It's amazing how we've gone from 'these people are essential' to 'my pos snobby friends won't like that your husband works for a living and actually likes his job.'"
"Good on you for sticking up for your husband." - sir_clinksalot
"The most interesting thing you said '…it was for the whole family.'"
"Obviously, they do not consider your husband as family."
"That is what you say in response."
"You will have a family party when they recognize YOUR family."
"You were 100% right to do what you did."
"Remind them that the money going to pay for their party was partially earned by your husband."
"And if they are too embarrassed by him, then they should be embarrassed to take his money."
"Definitely NTA!!" - jmg4craigslists
"If your parents are so concerned with class, why don't they have any?"
"NTA" - gremlinowl
"Uninviting the son-in-law is effectively uninviting their daughter."
"And it would be silly to pay for an event you're not allowed to attend."
"NTA" - RebelSushi
"NTA."
"And your husband is a lucky man to have such an awesome wife." - JapanEngineer
"NTA."
"Your parents were way out of line."
"If your siblings want the party so bad they can pay for it with their fancy-I am not a server-job earnings" - Hobbiesandjobs
"Classist bullsh*t called out."
"NTA!" - BirdHerbaria
"Let them be 'devastated' they caused this with their ignorant judgment"
"Funny you and your husband both work ,and you both are better off financially than your siblings 🤫."
".. sound like it was you and your husband's money paying for a party that he was unwelcome attending- why should part of his earnings go towards people who are clearly Pieces of 💩" - Ok_Ring_3261
"Let the siblings get together and pay, book a venue etc."
"Tell the parents that 'the waiter' was financially contributing, and his contacts were being used."
"Tell them you wish them a joyous event, but you and hubby will be staying home."
"Tell them you're glad they've revealed themselves, and you will bear their snobbery in mind when the grandkids arrive."
"NTA." - Successful_Dot2813
"NTA"
"I'd literally go public on social media."
"I was recently asked to pay for an entire anniversary party, including catering and general fanciness."
"As you may be aware, couples usually have joint finances and support each other with the costs of things."
"Well, half of this couple was uninvited to an event I paid for because my husband being a waiter at a Michelin Star restaurant isn't good enough for the 'hosts.'"
"The 'hosts' who have friends who are 'too fancy' and will be 'uncomfortable' around my husband."
"The person paying for half of this with his 'not real' job."
"So for those of you wondering why it was cancelled, it is because the hosts were too broke to pay for their own stuff but still wanted to look fancy to their friends."
"So much so that they blamed their fancy friends for then uninviting their apparently worthless son-in-law despite reaching into his pocket."
"They can pay for their own things."
"And if you truly are the type of 'friend' that can't stand to be in the room with an off-duty waiter because he isn't fancy enough, then eff off."
"If you are a good person who would never have told my parents to do such a thing, then I commend you, and you're invited to drinks at my house."
"I will not be changing my mind."
"This is known as 'biting the hand that pays for your bad attitude and fancy crap.'"
"Have a good day." - Armadillo_of_doom
According to other Redditors, OP did the right thing by standing by her husband.
Hopefully, her parents will understand her position; if not, they can throw their own party.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp