Often times, parents only want the very best for their children.
Sometimes, that means being overly critical of their significant other.
But where should the line between critique and bullying be drawn?
A woman on Reddit canceled the anniversary party she was throwing for her parents because they are "embarrassed" by her husband's job and don't want him to attend, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor pixiiexxsensual asked:
"AITAH for canceling my parents' anniversary party after they uninvited my husband because he's a waiter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28/F[emale]) have been married to my husband (30/M[ale]) for three years."
"He's an amazing partner and works as a waiter at a high-end restaurant, which he loves."
"My parents have always been a bit snobby about his job, making comments like, 'When will he get a real career?'"
"A few months ago, my siblings and I planned a big surprise party for my parents' 30th anniversary."
"I was covering the majority of the costs because I'm in a better financial position."
"Invitations were sent, catering was booked, and everything was set."
"Last week, my mom called me and said they were 'uncomfortable' with my husband attending because some of their 'prestigious' friends would be there, and they didn't want to be 'embarrassed' by his job."
"I was stunned."
"I told her that was cruel and unacceptable, but she doubled down, saying, 'It's just one night — he should understand.'"
"I immediately canceled the entire party, letting my siblings know why."
"They're furious with our parents but think canceling was too extreme since 'the party wasn't just for them — it was for the whole family.'"
"My parents are devastated and calling me selfish, saying I ruined their milestone."
"AITAH?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If your parents are so prestigious, they can pay for their own anniversary party."
"NTA" - RefrigeratorCold296
"NTA."
"Your parents are acting like their 'prestigious' friends can't handle the shock of meeting a guy who works for a living."
"Canceling the party was a chef's kiss-level power move."
"Why throw a party for people who think your husband's job is beneath them?"
"They should've celebrated their milestone with the dignity they apparently think they have."
"If they're devastated, maybe they can cry into their snobby champagne and reflect on how trashy their behavior really is."
"You didn't ruin their milestone...they did." - 410Writer
"NTA, they ruined their own fu**ing milestone."
"Who asks to uninvite a co-host?"
"You can tell your parents that their 'prestigious' friends already know what kind of ungrateful bigots your parents are." - Sparklingwine23
"NTA and I bet your husband makes good money as a server at a high-end restaurant!" - Actual-Swordfish1513
"And I thought my MIL didn't like me....."
"I am so sorry...you are NTA." - PodFan06082
"Your husband is your partner, and it's completely reasonable to defend him when your parents are being disrespectful about his job."
"His career choice is valid, and his work as a waiter shouldn't be a source of embarrassment for anyone."
"Your mom's comments about not wanting him at the party because of his job show a lack of respect and understanding, and it's commendable that you stood up for him" - down_to_earths
"NTA. Your parents are being total jerks."
"It's messed up that they wouldn't want your husband there just because of his job."
"You did the right thing by canceling the party." - Junior-Author6225
"NTA - your parents on the other hand, are!"
"Well done for choosing you & your husband." - Proud_Diamond1996
"NTA. "
"If they're ashamed of your husband, they shouldn't be surprised when their actions have consequences."
"It's their anniversary, but it's your money and respect on the line."
"You stood up for your partner, and that's what matters most." - RosettaPink_
"NTA why would you want to throw a fancy party for people who think their son in law is so far beneath them, his simple presence is embarrassing."
"I mean if they wanna bite the hands that feed them (at least as far as a party is concerned), they should've been prepared for the outcome." - Lacroix24601
"Nta. Your parents are absolute trash" - Agitated-Buy8146
"NTA They'll reach their milestone with or without a party."
"Was any of husband's money going to help pay for the party?" - wlfwrtr
"NTA - besides as your parents said, it's just one night." - meeeee01
"NTA, you stood up for your husband."
"The one thing I feel like too many families (including my own) have a problem with is maintaining some form of pride and reputation."
"It's honestly disgusting and incredibly lacking of compassion."
"Your husband shouldn't be seen by them as a possible stain on the family's reputation."
"You did the right thing, as your family's pride is not important to the point of isolating your husband from the family." - McGamezOnline
"NTA they ruined their milestone. Maybe next time they should pay for it themselves." - Lizardgirl25
"NTA."
"The party was to celebrate your a**hole parent's anniversary."
"It was absolutely for THEM."
"And you certainly don't have to pay for any celebration for them." - grayblue_grrl
"NTA, your first responsibility is to defend and protect your spouse."
"Your mom is trash for belittling your husband's career."
"She needs to apologize."
"Your siblings reactions shouldn't be overlooked either."
"How would they handle it if she said terrible things about their spouses?" - Dry-Leg8804
"NTA!! Good for you for sticking by your man."
"Pretentious parents don't deserve a party."
"High-end restaurants can leave you with $3-400 in tips in a 4-hour shift."
"I'd say your husband is on a great career path!" - False_Record429
"How can they say 'it's for the whole family' when ur hubby is family!!!"
"NTA if they want the party, let them pay" - AstronomerWestern109
"NTA."
"Tell your parents that selfish is uninviting someone who is helping pay for a party and still expecting them to pay."
"Also tell them that you get what you pay for and they paid nothing, so they get nothing." - RJack151
"Absolutely NTA."
"It's amazing how we've gone from 'these people are essential' to 'my pos snobby friends won't like that your husband works for a living and actually likes his job.'"
"Good on you for sticking up for your husband." - sir_clinksalot
"The most interesting thing you said '…it was for the whole family.'"
"Obviously, they do not consider your husband as family."
"That is what you say in response."
"You will have a family party when they recognize YOUR family."
"You were 100% right to do what you did."
"Remind them that the money going to pay for their party was partially earned by your husband."
"And if they are too embarrassed by him, then they should be embarrassed to take his money."
"Definitely NTA!!" - jmg4craigslists
"If your parents are so concerned with class, why don't they have any?"
"NTA" - gremlinowl
"Uninviting the son-in-law is effectively uninviting their daughter."
"And it would be silly to pay for an event you're not allowed to attend."
"NTA" - RebelSushi
"NTA."
"And your husband is a lucky man to have such an awesome wife." - JapanEngineer
"NTA."
"Your parents were way out of line."
"If your siblings want the party so bad they can pay for it with their fancy-I am not a server-job earnings" - Hobbiesandjobs
"Classist bullsh*t called out."
"NTA!" - BirdHerbaria
"Let them be 'devastated' they caused this with their ignorant judgment"
"Funny you and your husband both work ,and you both are better off financially than your siblings 🤫."
".. sound like it was you and your husband's money paying for a party that he was unwelcome attending- why should part of his earnings go towards people who are clearly Pieces of 💩" - Ok_Ring_3261
"Let the siblings get together and pay, book a venue etc."
"Tell the parents that 'the waiter' was financially contributing, and his contacts were being used."
"Tell them you wish them a joyous event, but you and hubby will be staying home."
"Tell them you're glad they've revealed themselves, and you will bear their snobbery in mind when the grandkids arrive."
"NTA." - Successful_Dot2813
"NTA"
"I'd literally go public on social media."
"I was recently asked to pay for an entire anniversary party, including catering and general fanciness."
"As you may be aware, couples usually have joint finances and support each other with the costs of things."
"Well, half of this couple was uninvited to an event I paid for because my husband being a waiter at a Michelin Star restaurant isn't good enough for the 'hosts.'"
"The 'hosts' who have friends who are 'too fancy' and will be 'uncomfortable' around my husband."
"The person paying for half of this with his 'not real' job."
"So for those of you wondering why it was cancelled, it is because the hosts were too broke to pay for their own stuff but still wanted to look fancy to their friends."
"So much so that they blamed their fancy friends for then uninviting their apparently worthless son-in-law despite reaching into his pocket."
"They can pay for their own things."
"And if you truly are the type of 'friend' that can't stand to be in the room with an off-duty waiter because he isn't fancy enough, then eff off."
"If you are a good person who would never have told my parents to do such a thing, then I commend you, and you're invited to drinks at my house."
"I will not be changing my mind."
"This is known as 'biting the hand that pays for your bad attitude and fancy crap.'"
"Have a good day." - Armadillo_of_doom
According to other Redditors, OP did the right thing by standing by her husband.
Hopefully, her parents will understand her position; if not, they can throw their own party.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.