After a divorce, the formerly married couple can maintain a friendship or become adversaries. How the relationship ended influences the future relationship a great deal.
A divorce after infidelity? That rarely leads to friendship.
A father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his ex-wife asked him for a favor.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Scottshy asked:
“WIBTAH if I refuse to babysit my ex-wife’s child in an emergency?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, male) have a child with my ex-wife (30, female). We married young, had our child young, and then she cheated on me with her current husband.”
“After the divorce, she had a child with her husband. I have never had any kind of relationship or presence in this child’s life.”
“I communicate with my ex-wife through an app called OurFamilyWizard and we see each other very infrequently. I keep things civil when I do see her or her husband for the sake of my child, but I do not pretend to be friends and I have no respect for either of them.”
“My ex-wife’s husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. She told me this in person at a school event for our child.”
“While telling me, she admitted they did not have a support network anymore and they had some concerns about what would happen in an emergency with their child. She asked if I would be willing to babysit in an emergency situation since our child will be dropped off to me in the event of one anyway.”
“I told her I would not and I would appreciate if she didn’t ask me again. But ask me again she did, before I could leave.”
“She told me I did not understand the lack of support they have and how their child should be protected the same as our child. She told me I surely wouldn’t say no in an actual emergency.”
“I told her to have something else in place for an emergency and not to rely on me because I do not want to be left caring for her child with the man she cheated on me with. I told her she needed to let it go before our child picked up on any tension.”
“She texted me afterward and said I need to reconsider, because they have no other options. I replied that my answer was still no and to please use the app only going forward.”
“My attorney said it was the right move because it’s documented in case she ever tries to drop her child off with me. He has filed it away in case we ever need it in the future.”
“This isn’t about the legal aspect though. I wonder if my refusal would make me an a**hole in an actual emergency when according to her nobody would babysit their child.”
“My ex-wife is clearly very stressed, so maybe I’m not showing the compassion I should. I find it hard to have any for them after everything they did.”
“But the child wasn’t a part of it and my lack of concern for the child might be a**hole worthy especially in an emergency situation.”
“WIBTAH?”
The OP later added:
“She said they have no support network anymore, so I assume no relationships within their families. Can’t answer for friends or neighbors but she said they have no support system.”
“I made it clear that I would care for our child for as long as was needed. My ex didn’t appreciate that because she said her other child needed care too.”
“I would of course be concerned for my child. It’s still helping, because then she only needs to figure care out for one of her kids, not two.”
“My child is not close to their half sibling.”
“I don’t want to give ages, but my child is not close to their half sibling. I can’t answer whether they truly love them or not.”
“They may and just not be close or maybe there’s no bond at all there. I can say, they do not play with their half sibling or include them even at their mother’s house.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP wasn’t wrong to refuse to take their ex’s child (NTA).
“Leaving the child with a stranger they have no relationship with who wants nothing to do with them is not actually in the best interest of the child. OP is not punishing the child at all by saying no. NTA.”
“The ex and her husband can work with the hospital social worker to come up with a plan, they could start working with a local babysitter, they could talk to parents of their child’s friends to see if thats an option, or they could just bring the child to the hospital in the event of an emergency.” ~ Spirited_Meringue_80
“Her idea of an emergency is going to be her husband’s chemo. Or whatever treatment he has to go through. This will not be a one-time thing and one night thing. She’s looking to you to bridge the gap between all the other stuff going on. Keep your peace.” ~ jessies_girl__
“They need to speak to the social worker at the hospital where he is receiving treatment to see what services might be available to them.” ~ TarzanKitty
“If she brings it up in person again, I’d suggest replying thru the family app to make it clear the answer is no. Suggest talking to a social worker via the app as well.”
“That way it’s documented that you’ve declined AND shows there’s alternate options she can explore that don’t involve you.” ~ DgShwgrl
“Why is the rest of that kid’s mom’s family saying no, or her husband’s, the kid’s father’s family, saying no? The kid has family that is blood related that is also telling them no.
“It’s not on OP to take on that burden. She can lay in the bed she made for herself.” ~ Meakbow
“People get estranged from their families all the time for any number of reasons, but they both did? And they’re incapable of making friends in their personal or professional lives or being friendly with a neighbor?”
“Either these are two really horrible people, in which case I’d not trust them, or they’re trying to take advantage of OP.”
“Why bother making arrangements with a friend, coworker, or neighbor when they can dump their kid on OP?”
“OP doesn’t know this child, this child doesn’t know OP, and he’s not on good terms with their parents.”
“How is he supposed to discipline this child if it’s needed? Or comfort them? This is a situation to avoid, not just for OP’s well-being, but also for the child’s. There are a multitude of other, better options.” ~ MohawMais
“If she doesn’t have any friends, she can establish a relationship with a babysitter who can get to know her other child, and she can pay someone to take the child when needed.”
“If she wants someone to do it for free, she should have treated you better. This is the price she is paying for her infidelity. She doesn’t get to ask you for favors after cheating on you.” ~ miyuki_m
“I’m kind of wondering how she’s managed to eliminate everyone in her and her affair partner now hubby’s life so that you are now her only resort.” ~ roadfood
“I’m guessing she hasn’t really exhausted all other possibilities.”
“She may feel it would be easier on the younger child to stay with the older. Then, there’s a convenience factor in dropping both kids off at the same address and only having to communicate with one person.”
“I think she’s likely also trying to inchworm her little snookie-poogums into her ex’s life in the hope that he’ll catch feelings for the child and become willing to co-parent should the outcome for her husband prove poor.” ~ Constant_Host_3212
“The real answer is buried in her statement that OP would be taking his child anyway. It is just easier for her to have one person take both kids.” ~ KLG999
“The child wouldn’t know him or his home, so would likely be uncomfortable with the arrangement. But it’s convenient for the ex. Sounds like she’s as selfish as ever, putting her child’s needs behind her convenience.” ~ BlazingSunflowerland
“She could establish relationships with the parents of the other kids in half sibling’s class. At least this way, the kids would know each other and the half sib would hopefully be more comfortable there than if left with a complete stranger.” ~ Aggravating-Sock6502
“Don’t suggest anything. Just keep out of it. They are capable of making their own arrangements. You have said No. Leave it at that.” ~ thussprak
“I think you need to look deeper into what’s going on here. It’s likely that in the back of her mind, this is her first attempt at setting up a back up plan in case the worst happens with her husband. She might be money branching.”
“I hesitate to suggest this because I don’t know if she would be left hanging if her husband didn’t make it. But if so, take this much more seriously.”
“Think about it. They’ve had someone for emergencies up to now. What changed all the sudden?”
“She could be thinking of you as a soft place to land. If she can only get you to develop a connection to her affair partner’s child, it might work. She could reel you in when his treatment doesn’t work.”
“How much do you want to bet that she starts trying to lean on you for support? You fell for her once, why not again in her mind? Especially if you never remarried.”
“NTA. You don’t want to get anything started with this woman, right?” ~ West-Double3646
If the only option is leaving a child with a person they don’t know, hiring a professional is better than trying to coerce and ex.