Weddings are particularly special occasions that generally warrant their own attention and party time. To share the party with any other big announcement is generally frowned upon.
But some people still use weddings and engagement parties as an opportunity to announce something in their own lives, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor fuziz was at an engagement party where this happened, and she decided to speak up on her friend's, the bride's, behalf.
But when she saw some people's reactions, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have said anything at all.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for ruining an engagement dinner?"
The OP was excited to hear her friend was getting married.
"My friend (Sarah) invited my boyfriend and I (female) to a dinner where she had announced her engagement with her now fiancé."
"There were many of her closest friends there with their significant others."
"Once Sarah announced her engagement, everyone was congratulating her and everything. We were stoked and just having a good time."
She wasn't excited about another surprise announcement.
"Then Sarah's other friend, N, announced that she was expecting a baby with her husband."
"All the attention went on her, and everyone started congratulating her and her husband."
"I looked towards Sarah and she was silent but looked really upset."
"I asked her if she allowed N to announce her pregnancy here."
"Sarah said no but not to worry about it."
"Her fiancé looked mad but didn't say anything either."
The OP decided to speak up.
"I don't know if this is what makes me the a**hole, but my boyfriend says it does."
"I got N's attention loudly and everyone looked at me."
"I said, 'You weren't given permission to announce your pregnancy here. Sarah and her fiancé gathered everyone here and are paying for our meals. The night is about them… not you.'"
"I continued, 'If you wanted a pregnancy announcement dinner, you should have held it on your own time, but you wanted to take the attention from Sarah and her fiancé away so badly that you're ruining their engagement dinner? You're toxic.'"
"N and everyone else were looking at me before she started crying and saying that I shouldn't be talking to her like this since she's pregnant and that wasn't the case."
"I told her that she wasn't the first woman to be pregnant and that a lot of pregnant women can respect their friends too and not make everything about themselves."
"N and her husband left and it was a bit awkward, but eventually the dinner went back to normal."
The OP's boyfriend didn't appreciate her behavior.
"When my boyfriend and I got home, he said I was an a**hole."
"I asked him how, because I really didn't see it but if he could explain, then I'd be willing to apologize to N."
"He said it was none of my business and I should've kept quiet, that no one needs to hear my opinion and how I ruined the night for both of them."
"I got a bit defensive and said N ruined the night for Sarah and I ruined the night for N, so I don't know how I ruined the night for both?"
"AITA?"
"Sarah texted me after the dinner and said thank you, that I didn't have to say what I did, but she was happy, more so once N left because the pregnancy announcement hurt her."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was absolutely right to stand up for her friend.
"Your delivery was blunt but awesome! Maybe N will think twice about her bad behavior from now on. NTA" - Littleballoffur22
"The world needs more friends like OP. I'm in awe of her loyalty and chutzpah." - StevenAssantisFoot
"OP, I love your shiny spine. You're a true friend and I'm sorry your BF either can't see or can't appreciate that. You redeemed the night, you didn't ruin it." - PrideofCapetown
Others criticized the boyfriend's unwillingness to speak up.
"NTA. You stood up for your friend. Your friend thanked you. Your boyfriend seems like the type who does not like to make waves. Fine for him, but he doesn't have the right to tell you how to act. People need more friends like you!" - patjames904
"I often think people are a**holes themselves for avoiding confrontation when other people are being a**holes."
"I worked in a sexist, demoralizing, horrifically toxic work environment with someone really close to me and, while I can hold my own, there were times when I was shocked this guy didn't stick up for me and watched me getting verbally abused by my boss. Wanting not to 'make waves' can absolutely make someone the a**hole." - blonde-bandit
Some said N was trying to use her pregnancy as an excuse for her behavior.
"I'd count it as a bad sign that N's first reaction was, 'Don't talk to me like that; I'm pregnant.' That is definitely the mark of someone who plans to get away with being a problem child for the next 9 months."
"I am glad she was disabused of that notion on Day One of Acting Out. One hopes that it will give her pause so she doesn't default to Rude Mode from here on out." - Either_Coconut
"When I was pregnant, people would be like, 'Oh, are you worried about the birth' or 'Oh, how hard things must be for you now' and try to focus on that and I was always like... people have been giving birth for thousands of years, with far less medical understanding, and harder lives."
"It's fine. I'm fine. It's not that epic. Pregnant women commonly act wayyyyy too entitled."
"(Not to take away from anyone who has a complicated pregnancy, mine were very easy and that's a privilege, but let's not assume all are difficult and put pregnant women on a weird pedestal, so they get away with being complete a**holes)" - NancyNuggets
Though the boyfriend couldn't appreciate what the OP did, the subReddit celebrated her for standing up for her friend. While engagements and parenthood are both important occasions, stealing someone's spotlight to announce your own achievement isn't the best plan.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.