Having kids changes a person's life forever.
Kids can restrict a lot of personal freedom.
They can really put a damper on time with friends.
Often, parents bring their kids along to many places.
This doesn't always go over well.
Redditor Obvious_Grapefruit94 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I asked my friend to stop bringing her kids at every hangout?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Background: My friend (27, female) and I (27, female) have been close since our freshman year of high school."
"She had her first kid at 19 and her second at 24."
"Her beautiful kids are ~6 years and 3 years old today."
"I have NO kids and don't plan to have any anytime soon."
"WIBTA if I asked her to stop bringing her two kids to every hangout?"
"I want to talk about explicit things and just regular girl things, but feel uncomfortable sharing that type of stuff around her kids."
"Also, I love her kids, but they are so annoying and always crying/throwing tantrums."
"I really don't have the patience (that's why I don't have kids!)."
"How do I respectfully ask her to stop bringing her kids to EVERY hangout?"
"Or at least imply it?"
"She has a great support system and is actually married!"
"I deeply care about my friend and her kids."
"We hang out 2-3x a year."
"I always make sure to plan our hangouts one month in advance! "
"And check in as the date approaches because I know life happens, especially with kids."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I’ll be asking my friend to stop bringing her kids to every hangout. It might make me an a**hole because she might get offended that I don’t want to see her kids."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I think it might be better to word it as 'Do you want to plan a day to hang out with the kids? I enjoy being around them, but you need adult hangout time too.'"
"Something like that."
"Less of a 'I don't want you to do this.'"
"And more of a 'treat yourself' type of thing." ~ Slipsndslops
"NAH. As long as you understand that she won’t be able to come to a lot of these hangouts if she doesn’t bring her kids." ~ ConflictGullible392
"Hard to imagine anyone saying this to a father - that they have to have their kids attached to their hip 24/7."
"OP states in another response that this friend has a great support system."
"There is no reason to assume the friend has to have her kids with her all the time." ~ milee30
"There are so many people responding as if it’s OP’s responsibility to provide childcare for her friend."
"Every mom has done this analysis of buying, trading, arranging for childcare, or making plans when the other parent keeps the kids."
"Having children doesn’t suddenly make it like the friend is a three-headed monster." ~ SlinkyMalinky20
"Agreed. She might think that since you see each other so infrequently, you probably want to see the kids, too."
"Her kids are young. Still at the age where they are growing and changing quickly, and she probably likes her friends to see them as they grow up."
"I know I did when my kids were little."
"It’s kind of hard to explain, but you’re just so proud of them, you kind of want to show them off and have your friends and family love them too."
"As a young mom, it takes a while to realize that maybe not everyone finds your children as amazing and special as you do. 😆."
"I certainly felt that way when mine were little and cute!"
"Now they’re teenagers and grumpy. 😬." ~ mmagnussen1213
"For the love of God, don't imply."
"Just tell her." ~ ZookeepergameNo7151
"You would not be the a**hole if you ask respectfully. Wanting occasional adult-only time with your friend is completely reasonable."
"The key is making it about wanting one-on-one friend time, not about her kids being annoying."
"Something like 'I miss having uninterrupted girl time with you' will land much better than focusing on the children themselves."
"Also, be prepared for the possibility that childcare is difficult or expensive, and that she may not always be able to make it work."
"A lot of friendships shift when one person has kids, and the other does not, and nobody is necessarily wrong for that." ~ Impressive_Ebb7245
"NTA for wanting it."
"But I know--from experience--if she's always bringing them along and never herself setting up girls' time, it's probably not going to happen." ~ FeistyChickadee
"NAH. Specifically ask her to make a day to hang out without kids."
"Don't make plans and then ask her not to bring her kids to those".
"And understand the answer may be no."
"But if she has had kids since 19 and has brought them to every hangout, are you sure she even wants to hang out and talk about explicit things like she did <19?"
"You might find that you don't have as much in common anymore."
"And how did she have a kid at 19?"
"She's 27 now, and the kid is 6?" ~ Usrname52
"This is what happens when your friends have kids."
"This is why lots of people lose touch with their high school/college friends."
"It is only going to get worse as far as her time demands... There will be soccer practice, school plays, and she will have less and less time to get together."
"Maybe try to plan a special girls' once or twice a year... but my advice is: find friends who are childless."
"You will get together more often." ~ dell828
"NTA. But... does she not have childcare?"
"If she's a single mom, I'd probably give her more grace."
"Maybe ask for visits at her house or areas with kid-safe zones so they can run around, and you have more time to chat." ~ Angry1980Christmas
"Just say you want a girl's day, just you and her - some drinks over brunch or dinner, whatever works."
"I'm guessing her bd doesn't help, and/or she's got no one to leave the kids with, so be prepared for her to say it's not doable. "
"Might be a while before you get your friend back".
"Maybe when the kids are older."
"I'm 38 now and still child-free, so believe me, I've lost quite a few friends to motherhood and especially useless or absent birthdays." ~ justahopelessgirl
"NAH - Nothing wrong with wanting it, but you have to understand that she can't just have impromptu visits without them, as she'd need a sitter, or her partner/parents, etc., to be home and willing to watch them."
"It can also be expensive if she's laying someone."
"With young kids, it is hard to just have alone time."
"She is likely grateful just to be out of the house for a bit."
"So when you do ask her this, try to make sure you reassure her that you value the time spent with her, but that you'd like to organize a proper girl's night. "
"Give her advance notice so she can actually sort some plans out." ~ Arlen90
"I'm a mom, and I absolutely understand not always bringing my kids to every hangout."
"If you want to spend time with her without the kids, suggest a 'girl's night' with just you two."
"Don't make it about her kids being annoying, but just wanting to be able to focus on each other and do grown-up things."
"I have a group of friends where we all leave the kids with our husbands for one night every month or two and have dinner, just us."
"It's nice."
"We also hang out as families with our kids, but parents need time away once in a while as well." ~ coatisabrownishcolor
"Come on, NTA."
"I do have children, and I won’t take them to every single hangout."
"I do also want time for myself with friends to chat and relax and have a drink… people who say YTA are people like your friend who don’t go anywhere without their children."
"Unless you’re a single parent without any kind of support… and in that case you can still hang out at hers after they’re asleep." ~ ria_ria_smook
"NAH. If it’s all the time, I imagine she doesn’t have the means to have child care or family to help."
"I’d also imagine that ANY mom who COULD have one-on-one time with their girlfriend WOULD."
"Friendships change when people have kids, but it’s only a season in life, and it will change again."
"Most people forget that."
"A lot of people got weeded out after I had my son, and I’m not mad about it."
"But God, what I would give to be able to talk on the phone for 30 minutes without an interruption, let alone have a coffee date with a friend 😭😂 (“it’s a season, it’s a season…)."
"If you communicate in a loving way that you miss solo time together, you’ll be fine, but also, she just simply might not be able to."
"If you go about it like a jerk, you’ll be seen as a jerk."
"Life is like that." ~ mirrortree67
"NTA, but maybe you could offer to go there one evening for the catch-up, order a takeaway, and chill. It’s hard to get childcare, and I imagine she would probably appreciate child-free catch-up time too!"
"Especially if you have explicit things to tell her!" ~ Every_Celebration829
Reddit supports you, OP.
You love the kids, but you don't need to see them every time you see her.
This will probably be a sensitive conversation.
Hopefully, she'll understand.
Good Luck.
