We talk about people being morning people or night owls. Studies have shown that some humans perform better just after sunrise, while others do their best work after dark.
However, the world operates on the day walkers schedule. In person banking, shopping, car repair... pretty much any errand a person can't complete online caters to morning people.
And the volume of the world goes down after dark. Which is great if that's when you're going to sleep.
But if you plan to sleep during the day? So much background noise.
A person working on the graveyard shift turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Stayhumble4721893 asked:
"AITA for kicking my sister and her boyfriend out because they don't respect my sleep schedule?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (34, female) sister (27, female) and her boyfriend (28, male) moved in with me at the end of August after he was laid off from work. She doesn't make enough to pay rent on her own."
"The agreement was for them to stay at my apartment through the holidays so they could save up money and he could find a new job. All they'd have to contribute is $500 for rent and food."
"He has done his part and found a new job and they have been saving money for their move, which is part of the reason why I feel like I might be the a**hole here."
"She works part time at a grocery store. That's supposedly all they will schedule her for, but that's what she's said, so I take that with a grain of salt."
"Her income was always supposed to be supplemental in their household because her boyfriend makes/made decent money as a construction worker."
"He was making good money with his old job and his new job he's making decent money, they're just having a hard time because she tends to spend more than they can afford. A lot of it is going towards takeout, makeup/beauty products/clothes, and nights out with her friends."
"I work graveyard in a small group home for adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities. I cannot sleep at work because I'm the only one there and I have to be awake in case one of our residents needs me or there's an emergency."
"I spend my time at work cleaning, doing documentation, changing people's Depends undergarments, making their meals for the next day, and giving a few of them their showers in the morning. Needless to say, I have to stay awake and alert the entire time I'm there."
"My sister has a difficult time understanding that I need my place to be reasonably quiet during the day so I can get my sleep. I could understand some normal amount of noise, but she took it over the top."
"Laughing obnoxiously loud; blasting her music or TV in the living room—right next to my bedroom; having loud guests over; being very loud in the bathroom and kitchen, etc…."
"I asked very nicely many times to please keep it down, and she always apologized and said okay. But then she started to make it my problem and said I should buy noise-cancelling headphones or sleep at my boyfriend's place instead."
"I finally got upset and told her they're being allowed to stay with me as guests and if she can't act as such, then they need to find somewhere else to stay. She spent the rest of the day calling all her friends and everyone in our family telling them how horrible I am for threatening to kick them out."
"Our parents reached out to me and asked if that was true. I told them the situation and they're on my side, but said I should give them the month to figure things out."
"I called and spoke with her boyfriend and he felt genuinely bad about the situation and had no idea this was an issue. I try not to bring him into things, but figured since this would affect him, it was only right."
"Now she's even more furious with me because I 'went behind her back' and called him and 'manipulated' him into being on my side."
"I told her look, I will give them until November 1st to figure something out, and he even said it probably wouldn't even be that long as they could go stay with his parents, but my sister is choosing to die on this hill and make me out to be the villain when all I wanted was some quiet so I could function at work."
"AITA for kicking them out?"
"I do feel bad because her boyfriend is doing what he can and is being reasonable. I just don't understand why my sister can't comprehend that I can't sacrifice my sleep and put my livelihood at risk."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because my sister's boyfriend is being reasonable, and my sister is making me feel like the villain just for wanting quiet so I can sleep."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She is a guest in your home. She needs to respect you and not invite people over herself."
"The audacity in suggesting you stay with your boyfriend, effectively kicking you out of your own apartment, is staggering. Her calling you out on contacting people about this is her throwing stones in glasshouses because she did exactly that to slander you."
"You need that rest because your job has you responsible for people who are unable to do things for themselves (that and sleep deprivation is dangerous). That trumps any of your sister's needs or wants in your home, or how her boyfriend is impacted."
"If you're on a lease, what are the rules around guests? Can you defer to that as a reason to kick out your sister?" ~ lemon_charlie
"As a guest, you should have as small a footprint in another person's home as possible. When I've stayed with relatives, I did everything possible to make it like I wasn't there."
"Entered and left quietly, washed any dishes I used, replaced any food or drinks I consumed. If I watched TV or listened to music in my room I wore headphones."
"I interacted with the family, played games, shared meals, and watched TV with them at times, but never had friends at their house or did much when others were sleeping, but I was working 2 40+ hour a week jobs, so was rarely there except to sleep and maybe eat."
"NTA. OP's sister obviously decided she had equity in her sister's place and didn't have to act like a guest anymore."
"As evidenced by the headphones and go stay at your boyfriend's place comments. Having friends over when your host is trying to sleep is as bad as it gets guest-wise." ~ False-Importance-741
"Ugh, I agree with this take 100%. Your sister thinks that the place is hers, OP, and wants you to move in with your boyfriend so she can stay without being bothered by you but still wants you to pay for it.
"The entitlement is strong with this one."
"We had to stay with my sister for a month due to hurricane damage on our house a while ago while our house was repaired. We did everything we could to help out and be unobtrusive."
"She says we're the best house guests she's ever had because of it. House guests, especially long term ones, shouldn't be making waves in a home when they're doing you a favor by letting you stay." ~ PsychologicalGain757
"NTA. I actually think that OP was completely in the right to contact the sister's boyfriend. He's not an outsider to this situation. If the sister doesn't quiet down, his ass is out on the street, too." ~ EngineeringAble9115
"NTA. I can't believe the nerve of your sister though. Telling you to buy noise canceling headphones, or saying you sleep at your boyfriend's? You're being very generous to give them til November 1st. Good luck on these last few days!" ~ Malibu_Cola
"NTA. I'm a doctor and I have had shifts of more than 36 hours, I'd 🔪 the person who doesn't let me rest after work, even my cats know how to behave and do their things quietly while I'm sleeping." ~ Unalimonagrio
"NTA. Your sister is an entitled brat. This is your home and your rules. If she doesn't like it she is free to leave." ~ Catblue3291
"NTA. And the headphones or sound machine would be some steps you could take to make it more comfortable for yourself, I don't find it an appropriate suggestion here."
"She should have cut out as much noise as she reasonably could, and if it was still a problem with her just normal living sounds, then the suggestion would be appropriate and probably would have been well received!"
"But it doesn't seem like she tried to minimize her noise at all." ~ Substantial_Glass963
"So she called everybody to tattle on you, but is mad YOU went behind HER back and explained to her boyfriend why you were having them leave? Something that directly affects him."
"Yeah, NTA, and I think you know it, but also I think family dynamics may have your 'normal' compass off here. You are in no way being unreasonable."
"If I had to guess, I'd say she resents you or is jealous, and is finding ways to take those feelings out on you. And has probably felt that your whole lives." ~ FilthyDaemon
It sounds like one of OP's house guests is considerate of their host's needs.
Sad that it's not the one related to them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp