Some people don’t know what they have in a relationship until their partner is gone.
But when they cheated on their partner and immediately started dating other people, it’s hard to believe they expected anything else to happen, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ImprovementNew5925’s marriage with his ex-wife dissolved when his ex-wife cheated on him, and quickly after they divorced, she began seriously dating again, eventually leading to her next serious relationship.
But when her partner had to go on several work trips and wasn’t home much, the Original Poster (OP) became increasingly uncomfortable when she invited herself on the weekends to spend time with him during his time with their biological daughter.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to share a bed with my ex-wife again?”
The OP’s marriage ended when his wife cheated on him.
“I (41 Male) was married to my ex-wife (37 Female) for a while. We started dating when she was 24.”
“Although she had more sexual experience than me at the time, she said I was the first guy to treat her to proper dates and not just casual hookups. We got engaged 20 months after we met, got married, and eventually had our daughter, who’s now 12.”
“My ex always seemed to be searching for something more in life, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what.”
“Over time, that dissatisfaction grew, and our marriage unraveled when she cheated. I don’t let that affect me too much, though it still stings. We separated two years ago, and our divorce was finalized last year.”
The OP thought that the guy his ex-wife ended up with, Mark, was a decent guy.
“Since then, I haven’t dated seriously, but she moved on pretty quickly.”
“She dated a few guys before settling with Mark (45 Male) about 10 months ago. He seems like a good guy, and my daughter likes him, so I don’t have any issues with him.”
“Mark is a former football player, so he’s got a solid, athletic build. You can tell he had a lot of muscle back in the day, but now he’s in that ‘muscular but carrying some extra weight’ phase. Not unhealthy, just not as fit as he used to be, think Shaq post-retirement.”
But it seemed that the OP’s ex-wife was interested in repeating patterns with Mark.
“I have a beach house that we used to visit as a family, but after the divorce, I’ve been taking my daughter there on weekends.”
“Last week, when I went to pick her up at my ex’s house, she asked if she could come along because Mark was away on a work trip, and she was bored. I said sure, no problem.”
“The issue came up that night when she hopped into bed with me, like we were still married. I asked about it, and she told me Mark wouldn’t mind.”
“Nothing happened, of course, but I wasn’t comfortable with the situation.”
The OP knew he had to set new, firm boundaries with his ex-wife.
“A few days later, she texted asking if she could stay again while Mark was busy next week.”
“I waited to talk to her in person, and I explained that I wasn’t okay with her sharing my bed while she’s in a relationship.”
“She said Mark wouldn’t mind, but I asked if I could hear that directly from him. She got upset and accused me of being jealous of her relationship.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that “No” was a complete sentence, from him or from Mark.
“No is a complete sentence. NTA.” – Purple_Bishop2
“‘Mark doesn’t mind,’ you told her you DO, she’s not listening and doesn’t care for anyone, and just wants to get away for the weekend. Why do you need Mark’s approval? You said NO.” – Foreign_Sky_1309
“How can asking her not to sleep in your bed be construed as ‘jealousy’? She is still the same emotionally unhealthy woman she was when you two were together.” – JTD177
“NTA. You’re not comfortable, so tell her no. Not your problem if she doesn’t like it. She’s an ex and needs to know her place, which isn’t in bed with you.” – MunkiLord21
“Mum sleeps with daughter, end of discussion.”
“It’s not appropriate for her to be sleeping in your bed BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT HER TO.”
“Use your words, OP. NTA.” – Allyredhen79
“Regardless of what Mark thinks/feels it makes YOU uncomfortable.”
“That alone is reason enough. Tell your ex straight up: I don’t want to share a bed with you because it makes me uncomfortable. We are not married. I don’t want to share a bed. End of story.” – Pippet_4
Others theorized that this was probably exactly what she used to say to other men.
“Hahaha, not sure I’d buy Mark ‘not minding’ if I didn’t hear it from his mouth. NTA.” – Erokengo
“I’d be very suspicious of her motives. Almost sounds like she wants to string two men along. Get some voice-activated recorders for your entire place, but video with audio would be better.”
“Then call Mark and ask him to meet you at your favourite pub for coffee shop, and then show him the video or play the audio files. She’s gotten bored with Mark and is looking to you to fill the void. Keep your boundaries up.” – Weekly_Watercress505
“Your ex is a ‘grass is greener’ person. If she somehow manages to get her claws in you again, you have to know you’ll be nothing but a rest stop on her way to whatever she considers better.”
“She doesn’t have a loyal bone in her body. Don’t let her insert yours. Don’t be a dummy and let her drag you or your kid into her mess.”
“She probably wants to break up with the other guy and will totally f**k you to do it.” – MaryEFriendly
“She’s trying to do to Mark what she did to OP. She’s absolutely being shady. The ‘oh, it’s okay. Mark’s fine with it’ is to counter his polite no. Now it’s time for a firm ‘You’re not my wife, figure out your own boredom’ no.” – 10000nails
“OP knows exactly how it feels to be in Mark’s shoes, and he’s not about to sit back and let someone else go through it blind. That’s not drama, that’s decency. People forget how quiet loyalty can look when you’ve been burned before.” – Muted-Presence4828
“The most significant red flag: OP’s ex is a cheater, and that’s likely why they’re no longer together. OP is doing for Mark what he wished someone would’ve done for him.” – Any_Ring_3818
“Once a cheater, always a cheater in my mind. Maybe you should tell her man so he knows what’s what!” – Scary_Panda847
“This is not good. Pick another place, and just tell her straight out that you’re not interested in having sex with her. AND If she wants to cheat on him, let it be with somebody else.”
“HE IS PLAYING WITH FIRE. YOU BETTER AVOID HER. The way you describe her current husband, you don’t want him angry with you.” – Ok_Original_9063
Some pointed out that this was also probably terribly confusing for the OP’s daughter.
“Not cool sending mixed messages to your impressionable 12-year-old daughter.” – urbanexplorer816
“NTA, but stop her from doing this again, because it creates confusion for the 12-year-old child of these divorced parents.” – LankyComedian178
“NTA. The fact that you’re allowing her to come with you and your daughter during your parenting time is way more than I would do. I would have told her absolutely not the first time she asked to come.” – WTFiswrongdude
“NTA. It’s inappropriate, and you can revoke consent.”
“Plus, she shouldn’t be infringing on your time with your daughter. It sounds like she is trying to get back into your life.” – GirlStiletto
Others strongly advised the OP to change up the sleeping arrangements or disinvite his ex entirely.
“NTA. But seriously, bro, why are you humoring her? Obviously, she got with Mark because he’s the ‘muscle guy,’ and I’m guessing he doesn’t treat her as well as you did.”
“Tell her she’s welcome to sleep on the couch if she wants. But I wouldn’t be bringing her. You aren’t married.” – RazzmatazzSea3227
“Accusing you of jealousy doesn’t make any sense. You are just imposing reasonable boundaries. Since she can’t accept that, just don’t let her join you on your weekends.” – rong-rite
“You still have considerations for this woman? Stop it. She never respected you. Let them pay for hotels and forget to make free favors to them.” – Away-Description9948
“NTA, but you need to not let her come at all. She’s still acting like your wife and getting all the benefits she wants while not actually being your wife. Put a stop to that.” – JJQuantum
“I believe she had an agenda, and he stepped into it. She asked to join them to mess with him -he didn’t pick up on it and allowed her. She got into his bed to mess with him, and though nothing happened, he allowed her to stay in the bed.”
“NOW he’s putting his foot down, which I believe is the right thing to do. The boundaries are for HIS sake, for his sanity and for his protection, should her current relationship go pear-shaped.” – Sad-Information2303
“He’s not the a**hole; he didn’t do anything with her. Is it wrong that she got into bed with him? Yes, but he did nothing to encourage it, and he didn’t do anything physical other than be in bed.”
“This is very wrong on his ex-wife’s part, but he’s not doing anything.”
“He should enforce his boundaries for his sake, not anyone else’s. He needs to move on and enforce boundaries with his ex. So I don’t think he’s the a**hole, but we can both agree, put a stop to it!” – DPlurker
While the OP hadn’t technically done anything wrong so far, it was clear to the subReddit that he needed to set firm boundaries to protect himself, his relationship with his daughter, and simply his daughter’s well-being. It wasn’t good for him to be led on by someone who cheated on him, and it was confusing for a young girl to see the boundaries of her parents’ relationship get blurred after a divorce.
Not to mention that none of this was fair to Mark. If the OP’s ex-wife didn’t like how much he was traveling, she should either find a way to go with him or discuss her concerns with him, not emotionally and potentially physically try to lean on her ex-husband who she’d cheated on.