Almost 50% of all marriages in the United States eventually end in divorce or separation.
An estimated 41% of all first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce.
Lack of commitment is the most common reason for American divorces according to a 2021 national survey.
Here were the reasons they gave and the percentages:
- Lack of commitment 73%
- Argue too much 56%
- Infidelity 55%
- Married too young 46%
- Unrealistic expectations 45%
- Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
- Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
- Domestic Violence or Abuse 25%
The percentages add up to more than 100% as couples were encouraged to provide all of their reasons.
A man who knows why his marriage is ending found himself in conflict with his soon-to-be ex-wife over splitting their possessions. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SaltMine4857 asked:
“AITA for refusing to split my late aunt’s vintage record collection with my soon-to-be ex-wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My soon-to-be ex (STBX) wife and I are in the midst of divorce proceedings. We live separately, have no kids/pets/property, all our stuff has been claimed by the rightful owner.”
“The vintage record collection in question is the only point of contention.”
“Now, I’ll admit my family’s mistreatment of STBX and me being conflict avoidant and not advocating for her like I should have is one of the main factors behind our divorce. I’m definitely the a**hole for that and I take full responsibility.”
“I know she deserves better. That’s why we’re no longer together.”
“My late aunt left me her vintage record collection. STBX admired this collection even while my aunt—who was among one of her tormentors—was alive.”
“STBX has asked me many times if I would be willing to part with a few pieces from the record collection to give to her, which I’m not.”
“I refuse to do this because it feels disrespectful to my aunt’s memory.”
“Even if her mistreatment of my wife at the time was uncalled for, why should someone she didn’t like get to enjoy her belongings? But STBX feels like having the records from the collection that she really wants settles the score once and for all.”
“So Reddit, AITA for not giving STBX some of the records from my late aunt’s vintage record collection?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could just give her the records as an act of good faith and nobody in my family would really know about it. Refusing to do so might be an a**hole move on my part.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided with comments making a case for all four judgements.
Some felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. The ‘settle the score’ comment seals it for me. Your aunt is already dead; there is no score left to settle, and trying to ‘get even’ with the deceased is ALWAYS tacky and petty AF.”
“Alternately STBX could mean ‘settle the score’ to be with you, by taking sentimental belongings that you will miss every time you look at the record collection, forcing you to think of STBX and how/why she isn’t in your life anymore; which would also be petty and classless.”
“All possessions have already been divided between their rightful owners; don’t give your STBX even a dime more.”
“She seems to be acting out of spite; while you seem to regret your actions that lead to this situation, and her hurt is (very) understandable, that does not make her request right or fair, or mean that you should capitulate out of guilt.” ~ AethericOwl
“NTA. It’s a personal inheritance, not marital assets.” ~ Kris82868
“This isn’t about why they’re divorcing, Who cares? Even without the reason, he’s NTA. She can stay pressed.”
“Her reason is irrelevant. It’s not hers and she has no moral basis either cos she didn’t get on with the aunt anyway.” ~ Journalisttalk
“Actually the reason is irrelevant. They don’t belong to her, and she has no claim to them. He can keep them for whatever reason he sees fit. NTA.” ~ Ok_Application_6479
Others saw the exact opposite, declaring OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“Perhaps I’m reading a bit between the lines, but it seems that OP doesn’t have much of a personal connection to the record collection beyond the fact that they once belonged to his late aunt.”
“On the other hand, his wife genuinely appreciates the significance of the vintage vinyl and asked to keep a couple specific records that were significant to her.”
“The only reason OP gives for not parting with a single record from the entire collection isn’t that they are extremely sentimental to him, or that they are too valuable to give to his ex, but rather he refuses her requests.”
“Imagine if that one racist relative said to never give any of their belongings to any Mexicans/blacks/Jews/[insert minority of choice here], we’d all laugh in their face and donate their stuff to whoever needed it most once they are dead and gone.”
“OP hasn’t given a single good reason why he can’t give his wife just a record or two other than ‘my family hated you so I’m going to perpetuate the hatred’.”
“For that reason, OP YTA.” ~ NotFromCalifornia
“While I agree OP doesn’t have any obligation to give it to his ex, he makes zero points that are actually about how he likes or uses this collection.”
“Ex wife, however, does like it.”
“And instead of taking ‘full responsibility’ as he claims, he continues to defend his family’s treatment of ex-wife even in death!”
“So I vote YTA for his weird attitude, and I hope ex-wife find someone to actually be on her team, since OP clearly never was.” ~ Lamacorn
“This is nuts to me. Why is he white knighting so hard to respect someone who was a huge a**hole to his spouse? Why is this someone who deserves respect, OP?”
“It’s YTA for me, because I honestly don’t think the ex-wife is in the wrong for just asking. How she accepts being told ‘no’ is different, but I’m not talking about that right now.
“And it isn’t wrong to say no to her either. But the reasoning used is a**holish.”
“How do you only have a spine if it’s against your wife but not for her? And why only for the worst people in the story!” ~ ChariotKoura
But some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH. I mean, you were the a**hole for not defending your wife with your family, so yay, divorce. I understand where STBX is coming from, though.”
“I imagine it must have been very painful for her not to have her husband support her against a family that has mistreated her. Yes, she may just want the records, but she probably also wants a tangible acknowledgment of the crap that she had to go through while being with you.”
“While you may not be TA, not showing any generosity with these records may be a reminder for her as to why she is better off. I know…it’s from your aunt, and it would be disrespectful to her memory, but would it really?”
“The collection is yours now, and at the end of the day, you get to choose what to do with it. Why not be a bit generous to someone you loved and hurt?” ~ Temporary_Agency_599
“It doesn’t sound as if you’re particularly attached to any of the records or the collection. You, your aunt and your family were sh*tty to this woman.”
“Your aunt us dead and it doesn’t sound like she spread much cheer while alive. Why not give her the records as act of good will?”
“NAH, but why not be generous and soothe some of the hurt?” ~ loverlyone
“On the record topic—NAH. But I don’t really understand your decision here.”
“Do you like the records she wants? Do they have sentimental value to you? Would removing them from the collection reduce the value?”
“If the answer is no and you only want to keep them to support your dead aunt’s desire to bully your ex, that’s messed up, and you should at least be willing to sell or trade them to her.”
“It seems like your ex thinks she’s owed these for sort of pain and suffering recompense, which she’s not. They are yours.”
“If she’s not willing to compensate you for them, buy or trade something, she doesn’t really want them, and there’s no reason you should give them to her.”
“If it were me, I might just give them to her to end things on a better note, but that’s more of me being a people pleaser than an actual obligation you should have.” ~ trippymonkeys
“NAH. They’re your records, your inheritance from a dead relative. It’s fine for her to ask, but it’s also fine for you to say no.” ~ IntrospectiveOwlbear
And others thought everyone sucked (ESH).
“‘Your STB ex-wife coveted your now-deceased aunt’s record collection during your marriage and now wants some of those records as part of the divorce (this makes her an a**hole)’.”
“But OP’s ‘of course you can’t have a couple of her records, it’s disrespectful to her memory because she disliked you so much’ isn’t a great attitude either.”
“Must honour the toxicity of the deceased. ESH.” ~ Perspex_Sea
“They’re legally yours, but you admit that you suck, and your family sucks more, and your aunt sucked even more yet.”
“Why can’t you let her have a few records? It sounds like you aren’t that interested in them anyway.”
“‘…it feels disrespectful to my aunt’s memory…’ WHY DO YOU CARE?”
“ESH.” ~ madsheeter
“ESH—I see why you are getting divorced. This just seems really petty on both sides.” ~ Tetchy9999
“ESH, but especially you. Disrespecting someone’s memory by not allowing them one final jab from the grave is not a real thing.”
“If your aunt was a fully bad person, you shouldn’t care about her wishes.”
“If she wasn’t and you’re religious, then surely, in her eternal reward, she doesn’t still want to bully your ex-wife.”
“If you’re not religious, well, she stopped being able to be helped or harmed the moment she passed.”
“If you recognize it was more than half of your fault the marriage ended and this might make her feel better, why not do it?” ~ Neo_Demiurge
“ESH—you for treating her like sh*t, and her for trying to use your sh*tty treatment as a bargaining chip instead of just accepting that your absence is a reward in itself.” ~ PlayingGrabA**
The OP certainly has a wide variety of judgments to choose from.
Hopefully he picks something that gives him and his STBX peace and closure.