When a couple chooses to get a divorce, many do their best to stay on good terms.
Particularly when there are children involved.
However, even if they do their best to remain friendly, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to remain an active part of each other’s lives.
Particularly if that means regularly seeing their ex-spouse’s new family.
Redditor Electrical_Kick8458 was divorced from her husband, with whom she shared a daughter.
After the original poster (OP)’s ex-husband began a relationship with two daughters of her own, the OP and her husband agreed that they had to ease their daughter into getting used to her new “blended family”.
However, one particular suggestion to help with this by the OP’s ex-husband was far out of bounds for the OP, resulting in her quickly shutting the idea down.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for ‘excluding’ my ex’s new GF?”
The OP explained why she was completely uninterested in spending time with the family of her ex-husband’s new girlfriend:
“I (29 F[emale]) am divorced with an 9 year old daughter.”
“My daughter’s father (32 M[ale]) has been in a relationship with a woman named Stephanie for about 6 months now.”
“She has two younger daughters (ages 4&5).”
“My ex-husband and I have had many conversations about how to ease my own child into their new ‘blended family’ by making sure that she still has lots of time with her dad, not combining every single special event with the other kids, and keeping lines of communication open.”
“Overall, the introduction has been positive, but my daughter has mentioned that the younger children can be overwhelming and sometimes annoying.”
“However, despite the conversations, every single special event has been blended, for lack of a better word.”
“We’re coming up on Halloween and my daughter has trick or treating plans with her best friend and her family.”
“Halloween is my custody time.”
“My ex-husband asked if he could come and bring his new girlfriend and her children.”
“I said no, as I wanted my daughter to be able to have time with her friend without having the other little kids in tow.”
“They are not officially her siblings in any way, and I feel that she deserves protected time just for her.”
“My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend and that I should be more concerned that she doesn’t have many friends or others to go out with on that evening.”
“I feel like that is not my problem and I am advocating for my own child without having her feel like she needs to people please or feel guilty.”
“I am not asking my daughter her opinion as I do not want her to feel burdened with any guilt.”
“I did also invite them to the Halloween event at her school that same week to help initiate balance.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for excluding Stephanie and her daughters from Halloween.
While many agreed that the OP was, in fact, excluding Stephanie and her daughters, they also agreed that it was unfair to demand this of her daughter, with many pointing out that the age difference between her and Stephanie’s daughter’s was enough to justify this, and others pointing out that 6 months was on the early side to label this a “blended family”:
“NTA.”
“As a former 9-year-old (many, many years ago), I would not have wanted to trick-or-treat with 4 & 5 year-olds.”
“That’s when you’re just getting into the pivotal pillowcase-filling candy years and running around the neighborhood with your friends!”
“It’s awesome you’re doing your best to keep the peace.”
“The ex calling it a ‘blended family’, only 6months into dating this person, is deserving of some side eye.”
“Your daughter shouldn’t have to give up her own childhood moments and memories for such a brand new relationship.”
“Way to advocate for her.”- No-Classroom-9939
“NTA.”
“Six months?”
“Your daughter shouldn’t even have met her dad’s GF yet, let alone her children.”
“You are protecting your daughter, something her father clearly isn’t too interested in when he is prioritizing his GF’s of six months(FFS!) feelings and her children.”- agnesperditanitt
“At six months into a relationship, the girlfriend should not be considered family yet, and most people would have only just started to introduce a new partner to the kids at that point.”
“NTA.”- MerelyWhelmed1
“Why can’t he and his new girlfriend take her kids tricks or treating?”
“Why do you have to be a parent to the 4 of them as well as your own child?”
“I hate these men who think their ex owes them and their new partner a friendship and blurred boundaries because of something that’s fully in their control to resolve that has nothing to do with the ex.”
“She doesn’t have friends, okay she can make them with other parents of 4 and 5 year old children.”
“None of those parents needs to be you.”
“NTA.”- elgrn1
“NTA.”
“Also, it’s WAY too soon in their relationship to even introduce the kids.”
“I think you are fine to put your foot down about Halloween.”
“Your ex’s new girlfriend’s social life is not something you need to cater to.”- copperfrog42
“NTA.”
“But a conversation needs to be had about his expectations on blending.”
“The new gf & her kids are not your family and any & all blending he wants to do needs to be done on his parenting time.”
“And he needs to know not to guilt your child or put his gf’s feelings or her kids feelings on your child as tho it’s her responsibility.”
“All he will do is make her reject them.”- InternationalOil540
“Hard No, that your 9 year-old should go with anyone but her friends.”
“4 & 5 is not even close to 9!”
“If they were her siblings since they were born, that would be one thing, but she barely knows them.”
“Good for you for sticking up for your child and you’re NTA.”- HorseygirlWH
“‘My ex-husband and I have had many conversations about how to ease my own child into their new “blended family” by making sure that she still has lots of time with her dad, not combining every single special event with the other kids’.”
“This is your custody time, with your daughter and her best friend.”
“On top of that, this falls well within the agreed terms of ‘blending’, and inclusion.”
“Time apart matters.”
“‘My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend’.”
“I am advocating for my own child without having her feel like she needs to people please or feel guilty.”
“I emphasized the last part of this quote as I feel like your ex’s girlfriend’s insecurity will be taken out on your daughter, via guilt and emotional manipulation.”
“I would even go further to suggest the girlfriend would use her own children, poisoning them against your daughter to punish you.”
“NTA, obviously, and chat with your family lawyer again to reaffirm the boundaries your ex is pushing.”- EmploymentLanky9544
“I have spices older than this relationship in my cupboard, this is not a blended family.”
“Plus even if they were together for a long time and a family, that would still not make it obligatory to include them in your daughters event.”
“NTA.”- Yavanna83
“NTA.”
“It’s your custody time this should not even be a topic for discussion.”- C_Majuscula
“NTA.”
“Halloween is your holiday this year and you have the right to do as you like.”
“You are not required to include his new girlfriend and her children.”
“You aren’t even required to include dad if it comes right down to it.”- LdiJ46
“NTA.”
“Your ex is prioritizing his new GFs kids, and not his own Daughter.”
“He’s more concerned with keeping them happy, and trying to force a happy family scenario.”
“It’s great that he wants to be a good step-dad, but trying to force harmony in a blended family rarely works.”
“You have to let it happen naturally.”
“And sometimes it just doesn’t.”- NobodysBabyDaddy
“NTA.”
“You’re prioritizing your kid, which is your job.”
“But also in what world is it your problem that your exes gf doesn’t have friends?”- LongjumpingSnow6986
“NTA.”
“Even in unblended families kids would rather not have their 4-years-younger siblings to take care of on Halloween.”
“The younger kids should go out with their own friends.”- Grey-n-Bent
It’s understandable that the OP’s ex is determined that their daughter gets on well with Stephanie and her two daughters.
That being said, keeping a sense of consistency in their daughter’s life is also important.
With that in mind, the OP is absolutely right that under her custody time, her daughter should get to spend Halloween with her friends.
As some have also pointed out, 6 months is a bit early for the OP’s daughter to get attached to Stephanie’s daughters.
As who knows for sure if this relationship is going to be permanent.