Group gifts can be a great idea for milestone events. Instead of a lot of small gifts, the group can all pitch in to afford something more significant.
The problem comes when people agree to pay a share of the cost, then don't.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a friend failed to repay them for a group gift.
AniTimeAniPlace asked:
"AITA for leaving my friend out of a group gift after she never paid her share of the last one?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (28, female) am usually the one who organizes stuff in our friend group. Birthdays, trips, whatever."
"In March, it was our friend Mel's 30th and I had the idea to get her concert tickets + a hotel night for her favorite band since she's been talking about seeing them forever. It came out to $480 total and there's 8 of us so $60 each. I paid upfront and made a group chat for everyone to send me there share."
"Everyone paid within like a week except 'Kayla' (29, female). She said she'd send it Friday, then after her next paycheck, then she 'forgot' and would do it 'this weekend for sure'. I reminded her twice and then honestly gave up bc it felt weird to keep chasing someone over $60."
"Then at Mel's party, Kayla stood up and gave this whole speech about how 'we all put our heads together' and how she just KNEW Mel would love it. Mel was crying, everyone was clapping. I just stood there holding my drink lol. I never got the $60."
"Fast forward to now. Another friend, Sam, is turning 30 next month and we're doing something similar. This time I just made the group chat without Kayla in it. I didn't say anything to anyone, I just didn't add her. I figured I'm not fronting money for her again and I didn't want to make a whole thing out of it."
"Well, she found out yesterday, because one of the girls mentioned the chat by accident. Kayla called me really upset and said I was excluding her on purpose and that it's embarrassing to be the only one not on the card."
"I told her honestly that she never paid for Mel's gift and I didn't want to cover her again."
"She said, 'It's not about the money; it's about being included,' and that I should have just told her instead of going behind her back. She also said she would 'obviously' have paid if I reminded her one more time."
"One of our friends thinks I should have just added her and asked for the money upfront this time instead of making it a thing. I kind of get that, but I also feel like I already did my part."
"So AITA?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I mean, did she follow up by immediately paying you?" ~ Usual_Trash5197
"Right? Bet $10 she still hasn't sent a dime for the first one." ~ tyvzyntis
"She had all that energy to complain about being excluded, but still couldn't send the $60 right then and there.. Says it all." ~ BrilliantAroma
"NTA it sucks to be the organiser, no one understands how much effort goes in." ~ longtimewatcher
"NTA it’s easy for her to say it’s not about the money when she’s the one who owes it." ~ MageVicky
"NTA. Tell her that if she pays you the $60 she still owes you, then you’ll include her going forward. And, going forward, PSA in chat (for every activity/event) should say that anyone who doesn’t pay on X date shall be removed from the list /activity. Keep a running tally in the chat of who have/have not paid." ~ Smurfiette
"And keep the tally visible on the group chat so everyone can see who has and hasn't paid." ~ LininOhio
"I'd collect the money before paying for the gift. That way no one's fronting for everyone." ~ LilShir
"NTA. This is great advice. We usually create a Google Sheet with the info and share it in the group so people can tick a box when they pay and then the organizer ticks another box when they receive the money. Also, we include in this doc the links of the things we buy to make everythifn crystal clear." ~ ohhhnonotagain
"No. She still didn't offer to pay you what she owed you, did she?" ~ Chemical-Ad6809
"Has been reminded one more time (via this incident)….and still has not paid. Regardless — you’re not her personal assistant. It’s not your job to remind her. If she wants to be included, she can pay in a timely manner. Otherwise, she can organise her own gift. NTA." ~ smallishbear-duck
"Tell that friend who thinks you should've added her that they can plan the next one, front everyone, and then have their friends shirk their commitments to them and force a chase. Honestly - I would've made a whole stink about it. 'This will be the cost, I will purchase once everyone has paid their part. Since last time I was left chasing Kayla for weeks and still she hasnt paid her part. I am not the IRS or a debt collector thug. I do not want to have to chase down my friends for something they should be respectful enough to do of their own accord'. If by a certain date not everyone pays, you send everyone their money back and everyone buys their own gift." ~ PhraseSuitable91
"NTA, she can pay you what she owes + Sam’s gift, and then you can add her to group chat so she can get credit. Clout chasing like this is awful especially when it comes at your expense. She owes you an apology as well." ~ CuriousTsukihime
"I agree, you already did your part, and honestly, remind her one more time? Get real! NTA ~ Fast-Aside-8732
"Right, especially for someone who is approaching 30 YEARS OLD. This isn't a child, but a grown woman who is responsible for her own financial situation and ensuring ALL of her financial commitments are being met."
"If she couldn't afford the 60, she should have been up front in the first place, if she can afford it, but doesnt want to pay, she should have just said. This is just pure entitled laziness on her part." ~ Environmental_Art591
"The thing that gets me is the speech. She didn't just skip paying, she stood up and took credit for a gift she had zero financial part in. That's not forgetfulness, that's someone who figured out she could grab the social reward without doing the work. You already reminded her twice and she still didn't pay. NTA." ~ BudgetBirthday9455
"There are only so many times you should be expected to bang your head on the wall to get repaid. If other friends in the group think some slack needs to be given, they can step right up and front the money for her. She chose not to repay you, and that had a consequence. You are within your rights to decide how you were comfortable handling it, and she doesn’t have to like it. NTA." ~ TravelDaze
"NTA. Some people do this almost bullying thing because they know if they kick up enough of a fuss that people won't want to stand up to them. I would tell the rest of your friend group that they're more than welcome to take over for the collections next time. Like the old saying: 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'." ~ canvasshoes2
"NTA. Tell her, 'Mel, You have now been reminded that one more time that would cause you to "surely" pay what you owe me. And yet you STILL haven't paid me. That makes - what? - at least SEVEN times that you have been reminded to do your part to "BE INCLUDED". I dunno. That makes me think you don't want to be included'."
"Tell that one friend who has inserted their opinion on how to have handled Mel's non-payment, that you have considered their perspective and are happy to include them in resolving things so that Mel can be included and you don't have to chase her for her share."
"Friend can take over fronting the money for group expenses and then collecting from everyone. Most everyone can be counted on to pay, and friend can simply 'ask Mel for the money up front'."
"Friend can pay their own share PLUS Mel's share and then collect from Mel as quickly as Mel is willing and able to pay them back.If neither of those options is anything friend wants to take on, then they don't get to tell you how to handle a task they are not willing to take on." ~ swillshop
"NTA because I don’t see you saying anywhere that she also sent you the money right away during that call and apologized profusely while saying she’s such a ditz and forgets stuff in like 5 minutes." ~ fsmontario
"First off, not the a**hole. But I would do things differently. For a good friend, I believe in giving them a heads up and being honest about what you're doing."
"Cause like, let's be honest, OP was kinda hoping for a reaction when Kayla found out she wasn't included. She wanted a gotcha moment, and got it. But a good friend I wouldn't do that to."
"Maybe someone I don't really care much about, or a casual acquaintance or something from sure." ~ Zap__Dannigan
"NTA. I mean now she could have taken the opportunity to finally pay you back, but I’m guessing in her little tantrum of not being included she still hasn’t." ~ Crafty_Special_7052
OP was more than patient and reminded Kayla more than once. If Kayla doesn't pay for a gift, she's not part of that gift.
