Occupations that require swing shifts or being on call can be difficult for the individual as well as their family.
When you're gone a lot, the time you do have with family becomes more important.
But everyone needs to sleep sometime.
A wife—who got pushback after allowing her exhausted spouse to sleep—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sea_Chocolate_8450 asked:
"AITA for not waking my wife up and letting her sleep the whole day?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Just some quick background info: My wife (Heather—36, female) and I (35, female) have been together for the past 14 years and married for 10. We have two daughters (4 and 6 years old) together."
"Heather is a doctor, and she works ridiculously long hours, gets tired, etc... Yesterday, she came back home after being away all day."
"She was on call and needed to go in for an emergency surgery. Heather told me she was going to sleep for a couple of hours and asked me to wake her up by dinner so she could see the girls and me a bit."
"She went to sleep around 5 PM. I tried to wake her at 7 PM. I called for her, softly shook her, gave her a kiss on the cheek but she didn't get up."
"She is a very light sleeper and these things wake her up 90% of the time. I thought she needed the rest and let her sleep."
"Heather slept until the next morning, which is when she needed to go to work."
"She was very upset the following morning saying I should have woken her up and that I had caused her to miss an entire day of family time. I explained that she didn't wake up and she said I just should have tried harder to wake her."
"I get that she wants to be present in our family—and she is—and she wants our kids to see both their moms, but I just wanted to let her get some much-needed sleep to help her be well-rested for the next day."
"Was I genuinely the a**hole?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My wife came back from work and told me to wake her up by dinner. She was tired and didnt get up, so I let her sleep til the next morning."
"I may be the a**hole because I didn't wake her when she had told me to and it made her miss an entire day."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Yeah, NTA. I would suggest, given the strong chance this situation can happen again, that OP sits down with wife and discuss what the acceptable limit of waking up efforts is for non-emergency situations."
"Like actually lay down 'However loud you think yelling is OK, however much tugging and pushing is OK, show me, right now'."
"You might never convince her that what has already happened was something at a reasonable limit of waking up efforts, but if you communicate the details now, in the future you can say 'Look, I yelled this much, I pulled that much, I didn't go further because we agree that you only pull that hard or yell that loud if someone is bleeding'."
"I have had kinda the opposite problem with my fiance—he thinks that my vague intent to get up and go for a walk around 9am because the weather report looks good means that it's reasonable to use the 'urgent tone of voice'—which panics sleepy me for some reason—and for that matter he will do that at 7 in the f*cking morning."
"Cleared up with conversation about 'don't do X if no one is bleeding, don't wake me up before Y time unless someone is bleeding, etc...'." ~ CaeruleumBleu
"She's probably mad at herself and frustrated, resulting in her taking it out on OP. It sucks, but we've all done it. She's missing out, and she knows it."
"Having a demanding job is stressful. It would be even more stressful with a malpractice suit because she was delirious during surgery. If it's that hard to wake up a parent (usually light sleepers), they probably need to sleep. NTA." ~ RecommendationBrief9
"She tried to wake her wife up, the wife was so out that she didn't wake up to what would normally wake someone up who wasn't all-out exhausted."
"If she would have violently shaken her awake like the house was on fire and your @ss needs to get up, that would have probably been a problem too."
"Everyone has a cell phone these days. She should have set an alarm and gotten herself up, as she is an adult, not a child."
"Also, she's a surgeon. She has a responsibility to her patients to be properly rested so she doesn't F-up and kill someone because she's overly tired." ~ FAFO8503
"If she slept for 12+ hours—assume she gets up early or at least between 5-7AM—then she NEEDED it. If anything she should have thanked OP for caring for the children and household efforts for the evening.
"Or if she didn't want that, then set a series of alarms, it isn't hard. NTA." ~ SmileParticular9396
"Your wife is a doctor. Don't ask us; ask her—if she had a patient who had worked as hard as she had, wanted to lay down for a couple of hours, but wouldn't wake up when prodded and slept all the way until morning, what would Dr. Wife say?"
"Because I'm betting she would tell that patient they clearly needed to sleep. NTA."
"Medice, cura te ipsum [Physician, heal thyself]." ~ J-Kensington
"I would not want someone this badly sleep-deprived performing surgery on me, so good on OP for letting her rest."
"She has years of family time ahead of her and quantity < quality if you aren't mentally there anyway." ~ xena_70
"NTA. You were not an a**hole for letting your wife sleep, considering how tired she was."
"You did it with good intentions, but from her perspective, missing out on family time—especially after expressing a desire to be woken up—might have felt like a missed opportunity to connect with you and the kids."
"Acknowledging her feelings and validating her disappointment can help." ~ Loud-Economist-3092
"My husband tries to pull this kind of stuff with me. He just turned 40 this year and still thinks he can lay down for a 3 hour nap after just working a long night shift and .... it's not possible."
"He will not wake up for anything—except the sound of our daughter sounding hurt. He bolted up so fast he lost his balance and hit the wall—and I finally think I've drilled the concept of not having the ability to do what you did in your 20s anymore."
"Some people just need to be realistic about what their bodies are telling them that they need." ~ Obvious_Huckleberry
"NTA. Just because she asked you to wake her up and you tried and tried, and she did not wake up, you can not be the a**hole."
"She is an ADULT; she can set up an alarm clock and wake up herself as ANY responsible adult would do."
"Everyone who says you are the a**hole are pushing your wife's responsibility to act like an adult onto you for some weird reason."
"If she told you not to let her do online shopping, and you actually stopped her from doing so, all those people criticizing would come saying she is an adult and she can do whatever she wants."
"Same here—if she wanted to wake up she should have made sure she would wake up." ~ I_am_wood_dog
"NTA. You tried to wake her up, but you couldn't."
"You should introduce her to our latest technology; it's gonna be mindblowing, it's gonna be shocking...ALARM CLOCKS!" ~ Competitive_Jump_744
Some felt there were no a**holes in this situation (NAH).
"NAH. She's not upset with you. She's stressed from work, and it's making her a little resentful that she is taking care of everyone else except herself and her family."
"I've worked in healthcare, including pre-hospital and ER, most of my working life. I've had this exact argument with my partner, and it wasn't fair of me when I did it either."
"I wasn't mad at him; I was stressed beyond my ability to cope well (even just short term) and was clinging on to strands of any enjoyment I could find."
"The only thing getting me through shifts sometimes would be, 'okay, I know when I get home, I've got 10 hours before I've got to be back, so I'll sleep for 6, and that gives me at least 2 for relaxation plus prep for work'."
"Those 2 hours were all I wanted. He'd let me sleep through my alarms because he reasonably assumed I obviously needed it, and then it would feel like all I'm doing is living to go to work and be stressed out constantly with no reprieve."
"You two have to talk and she has to be honest with herself about the real issue. Burnout is real and it's okay to recognize when a break is needed." ~ TiptoeStiletto
"NAH. If you've called to someone and then shake them but they aren't waking up, they probably need the rest."
"That said, she's understandably unhappy when she wanted to spend quality family time with you and the kids." ~ ironchef8000
"NAH. If she wasn't waking to calling or gentle shaking, then she needed that rest. I get that she is frustrated she missed family time, but her body was just doing what it needed."
"She can't blame you for this, and you did exactly what you needed; tried and she didn't wake. Not your fault, not her fault." ~ Own-Kangaroo6931
Hopefully the OP and her wife can come to an agreement about family time, sleep, and who is responsible for waking up whom.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.