We like to imagine families as being unified groups where everyone loves each other and looks out for each other.
But unfortunately, some families are not built that way, cringed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor TahliaTryst had always been looked down upon by her family as the less-than-perfect daughter, since her older sister was the one who got straight-As and had a nice job, among other major milestones.
When her sister openly called her "the family failure" in front of everyone and the whole family laughed, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't take anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to go on a family trip after my sister called me 'the family failure'?"
The OP and her sister took very different paths in life.
"I (25 Female) have always had a bit of a rocky relationship with my older sister (27 Female)."
"She's always been the 'golden child' in our family. She got straight A's, has a great job, is married with kids, you get the idea."
"Meanwhile, I took a different path. I struggled through college, jumped between jobs, and I'm currently working a retail job while trying to figure out my career. Not perfect, but I'm doing my best."
The OP's sister regularly shamed her, but the most recent time was the last straw.
"Last week, we had a family dinner where my parents announced they wanted to take the whole family on a vacation to celebrate their anniversary."
"It sounded nice until my sister started joking about how she hoped I could actually afford to take time off."
"She then followed it up by saying, 'It's okay, we all know you're the family failure, but at least you're fun to have around.'"
"Everyone laughed. I awkwardly smiled, but inside, I was done. This isn't the first time she's made comments like that, but it hit differently this time."
The OP decided she didn't want to be a part of the celebration.
"After the dinner, I told my parents I wasn't comfortable going on the trip."
"They tried to brush it off, saying my sister was 'just joking,' but I told them I was tired of being disrespected."
"Now my whole family is upset with me."
"My sister texted me, saying that I was being 'dramatic' and that I was ruining the trip for everyone."
"My parents said they understood that I was hurt by what she said but that I should come and 'not let her get to me.'"
"I really don't want to go and have to be around her, but now I feel guilty for upsetting everyone."
"AITAH for saying no to the trip?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and understood how hurtful these comments were.
"Speaking as a person who has a sister just like OP's and has had a lifetime of this kind of stuff, I would call it more than hurtful and actually cruel."
"Her parents don't seem to have any sensitivity to how this feels to OP, and, in raising their other daughter, should have shut down that crap by the age of 10. Yet it goes on. That requires neglect of a sick, unkind sister to another."
"It's a full family problem, not just between the sisters. If I were the OP, I would go low contact, if not no contact, with the entire family after talking to her parents about their responsibility in allowing this nonsense." - Agile_Menu_9776
"OP, put your family on tiiiiime outtttt. You said everyone laughed, and no one stood up for you. That's not family that's you being used as the punching bag."
"You tried talking it out with your parents and they didn't actually hear you. So just mute all their messages or if you're feeling bold, block them."
"I would be done with my family if they disrespect me. It's okay to be hurt, it's 100% valid. Take the time to give yourself peace of mind." - jaywild
"NTA. As others said, you need to set some serious boundaries with consequences. And this is one of them. If you bend, this will continue happening."
"You're not the one ruining the trip. Your sister did. I'd have a serious sit down with your sister. Explain how you're feeling and how you will not be around her anymore while this keeps happening, and that includes being around her on a family trip. If she truly gets it and wholeheartedly apologizes, then I'd go on the trip."
"Your sister may be 'successful,' but she clearly hasn't matured beyond her sibling rivalry and teenage years." - PilotoPlayero
"NTA, OP. There's no way I'm taking valuable time out of my life simply to be stuck traveling with a passive-aggressive jerk and her two unsupportive enablers. Life's too short to be miserable just so they can take family photos in front of a waterfall or on a beach." - Organized_Khaos
"It's very telling that OP's parents are expecting her to be the bigger person rather than expecting their golden child to act like a decent human being." - IllustriousAd3002
Others encouraged the OP to reply to her sister with the same energy she'd been given.
"Don't go. Tell your sister at least you are not the 'family AH.' She has that covered." - Dresden_Mouse
"NTA. OP, if this has been going on for a while like this, the only thing I can tell you is it's time to stop being polite. It sounds like they mistake your politeness for passiveness, and I can see why."
"That's why they continue to make these comments. You've taken the first step, opting out of the family trip to protect your piece, but going forward, you need to start being more forceful and direct."
"It's like you're trying to be a gentle parent. Gentle parenting only works on gentle kids. Your sister's not a gentle person. She's a hard learner who only learns the hard way. Therefore, you need to be a hard a** right back." - cgm824
"What's really sickening thing about it and about people like the sister, is that she said it ONLY to hurt her sister and for no other reason. I hope OP realizes that and stops all contact." - No_Name370
"Dish it right back. She is making herself feel better at your expense. Me thinks all is not great in her world."
"Ask her what is wrong in her life that she would say something so mean and try to pass it off as a joke. Kind of a bless-you-heart response."
"When she hits back, roll your eyes and say whatever in front of everyone."
"Do not go on the trip. Set rules. Good for you." - daisyiris
"NTA. It is time to return her energy. Call her out for acting like an AH. Tell her how you feel sorry for her, and she must have a miserable existence. Otherwise, why would she pick at you?"
"Do it in front of your family. Do it every time you are forced to be around her. Make her cry if you can. Then laugh at her for being an overly sensitive b***h."
"We had a saying when I was a kid... don't dish it out if you can't take it."
"If your parents and the rest of your family come after you and demand that you apologize, laugh at them, too. Tell them they turned their golden child into a bully, and you are done participating as the punching bag."
"Block them until they are willing to try to improve their relationship with you. Hopefully, you have good friends to act as a family." - Acrobatic_Reality103
"Tell her, 'I can change my situation, but sadly dear sister, you can't change your personality.'"
"Rinse and repeat every time she makes her s**tty comments. When they tell you that you're being dramatic, tell them that you've decided to stop surrounding yourself with people who have s**tty personalities to protect your peace."
"NTA. I wouldn't want to be around her, either." - cryssylee90
"I like the idea of the OP speaking up for herself, but I wish there was another way to stand up for herself. Why do the AHs in our lives always win?"
"She insults her sister AND gets to go on an expense-paid family holiday. OP stands up for herself and misses out on a vacation she probably could use and couldn't afford on her own."
"(I'm not saying she should go but just that it's unfair. Sister would find a way to ruin the trip for her somehow I'm sure.)" - Neweleni7
A few things feel worse than having a family that does not support you, and it was clear that it was time for the OP to set firmer boundaries with her family for her own sake, starting with this trip.
If the sister couldn't speak more kindly to the OP, and if the family could not stand up for the OP when they needed her, it was clear she needed to prioritize herself and create distance between herself and all the negativity.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp