One of the highlights of the year for some people is an annual family vacation or trip with friends.
It's incredibly hurtful if they look forward to the trip, only to realize that the rest of the people don't really care if they can go or not, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor maplehoneycupcake enjoyed going on a family vacation every year, and this year was supposed to include a longer and more complex trip than usual, until she realized that it would overlap with the birth of her first child.
When her family decided to move forward with the trip and disregarded her concerns about going with them, the Original Poster (OP) felt hurt that they didn't try harder to involve her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that my parents booked an extra-long vacation for the same week that I'm due to give birth?"
The OP moved near her parents to help support them.
"I'm (30 Female) pregnant with my first child, due mid-July 2026."
"My parents are the only family members who live close to me, a 15-minute drive away. We moved across the country to be closer to them a few years ago because they're 69 and 70, and the rest of the family/my siblings live very far away."
"I didn't want them to be on their own as they started to age, and since we were planning to have kids soon, I wanted them in my kids' lives. This will be their first grandchild."
"Also, my parents wanted us to move closer, and we were happy to do it because at the time, we were renting in a HCOL (high cost of living) city and were planning to try to buy a home, so we ended up buying a townhouse over from them."
"I never expected my parents to be childcare for my kids, even though they'd brought it up at one point. I was clear to them that me moving close was not under the expectation of a built-in babysitter since I don't want them obligated to watch my kids in their retirement."
"My in-laws still work full-time and live across the country. My MIL is planning to come for a few days in August, but they both have very demanding jobs and can't hop on a flight without notice."
When the OP's parents planned the next family vacation, the OP felt left out.
"The issue: Every year, my entire extended family goes on vacation from the end of July into August. I'm obviously not going this year, since I'll either have a very fresh newborn or will actively be giving birth if I go longer than 40 weeks (my due date is six days before)."
"My parents typically go on this family trip for three weeks."
"In November, I told my parents about my pregnancy, and their first concern was whether my husband and I would be able to go on the family vacation. They let me know that they had been considering going for longer this year, potentially six weeks, and suggested I drive up (this is an 18-hour drive) with the newborn and stay for a few days, since I'll be on maternity leave."
"I've never had a kid, but an 18-hour drive a couple weeks postpartum with a newborn sounds like h**l, and a flight with a baby less than six weeks old isn't something I'm comfortable doing, so I said that wasn't going happen. They were disappointed, but the conversation ended there."
"On Christmas, while the whole family was together, they told us they've decided to book the vacation for the whole six weeks, plus an extra week to visit my sisters in the city they both live in, close to where we all vacation."
"The vacation will start July 23rd, and they'll be back in mid-September. My sister (bless her) mentioned that it was kinda messed up that they'd be leaving me during birth and then gone for the first seven weeks of my kids' life."
"The response? 'She knows she can come up any time after the baby is born.'"
"I was a little upset that they'd booked the longer trip, even though they knew about the due date, and the response threw me off, since I'd already told them I wasn't going to be driving/flying up less than six weeks postpartum with a newborn."
The OP was shocked by her mom's response when she shared her concerns with her.
"I ended up telling my mom I would really like to have them there sooner than seven weeks and that I was a little hurt that it felt like they weren't interested in meeting their grandchild."
"Her response was, 'You're resourceful. I know if you really want us there, you'll find a way to deliver early so we can be there.'"
"I was floored, and I did not have an answer for that. I know my having a baby shouldn't impact everyone's lives, and I would not expect it to. I didn't expect them to delay their usual three-week vacation, and I would not have asked them to."
"But they're choosing to be gone an extra month and haven't indicated any remorse over leaving me alone during a time I'd really like to have my parents around."
"I'm not expecting them to take care of my kid, but I have no idea what I'm doing, and the thought of having absolutely no family nearby if something happens is terrifying."
"I usually can get over stuff like this with them, but it's been over a month, and I keep getting more upset and angry."
"Each time I bring it up, they act like my choice not to drive (or fly) up after the birth is the problem here, not the extra month they've added on to the trip."
"At this point, I don't even want to talk to them. I haven't seen them in weeks, and I feel terrible about it since I moved here to support them/help as needed, but I don't have the stomach to be around them right now. I genuinely feel like they don't care about their first grandchild at all, or me, and it's making me question my entire relationship with them."
"I know pregnancy can cause hormonal reactions, so I figured I'd ask strangers since my (obviously very biased) husband and siblings are outraged for me."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were alarmed by the mother's comments about the OP "figuring it out."
"Honestly, your mother's comment about you being 'resourceful' and finding a way to deliver early is what tips right into NOR for me."
"It's just such a weird, passive-aggressive thing to say. I don't even understand what she's getting at."
"It seems to me there might be something else going on here; do you have any siblings to talk to about it?" - Capable-Detective-69
"I literally exclaimed, 'Oh my god' out loud when I read the part about the OP being 'resourceful.'"
"First of all, it's really messed up to pressure a pregnant woman into delivering early. Second, it's even more messed up to pressure her into immediately traveling with a newborn."
"I gave birth on 1/17, and no, you're absolutely not going anywhere. The baby notwithstanding: I'm just at the point, almost three weeks postpartum, where I've stopped actively bleeding but I still have some pain, and I delivered 'naturally,' not via Cesarean!" - LadyWhimsy87
"Please, please know that it is not safe for newborn or very young babies to be in car seats for that long! I don't know the pathophysiology behind it, but their respiratory drive can somehow sort of turn off, and it can kill them."
"It's also not a good idea for a newly post-partum woman, especially if she has a C-section, to be in a car for extended periods. The risk of developing blood clots is real."
"So, you cannot, in fact, 'just drive up to visit for a few days if you want to.' Not safely, anyway."
"I initially laughed when I started reading because when I first got pregnant with my second, I told my folks I was going to have a baby in the Fourth of July. I was due June 27th, but kept joking it would be July fourth."
"My parents elected to book a trip for that weekend anyway. This was before cell phones, and before you knew the sex of the baby until it was born. I wasn't upset with my parents, because it was a weekend, not seven weeks, for f**k's sake!"
"So, sure enough, I called my parents at their little inn on Independence Day, and left a message at the front desk, 'It's a girl!'"
"My story is cute. Yours? Definitely not. NOR. I'm sorry." - Single_Principle_973
"I literally said, 'Oh my f**king god' when the mom suggested that the OP was 'resourceful,' but… wow. It was bad enough up to that point. OP, I would feel utterly betrayed. NOR, not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm so sorry. Congrats on your impending little one, though!" - BetMyLastKrispyKreme
"NOR. I'm sorry, but your parents sound entitled and selfish. How they have treated this situation is stunning. Making you feel like you need to figure it out got them us horrible. I'd be furious. This is not okay!" - er1026
Others were critical of how the OP was being treated by her parents.
"As someone who's given birth both ways, it sucks both ways. And it's hard for me to imagine grandparents this uninvolved. My parents HATE each other, and both tried to scramble over each other to be there."
"I wanted to visit my aunt at 32 weeks in a car, and they were both like, 'No, don't do that!'" - Elismom1313
"I bled for more than nine weeks with my first. Expecting OP to drive eighteen hours with her newborn and her postpartum body is a shockingly ignorant and selfish expectation. Infants cannot spend more than a certain amount of time in their car seat, for a variety of reasons."
"They absolutely cannot take an eighteen-hour drive when they're fresh out of the womb merely because grandparents wanted to go on vacation and expect mommy and daddy to deliver the child to them where they are. I don't like these people, and I don't like how they treat their daughter." - Viola-Swamp
"NOR. My mom did a big solid and came right away when I was to be induced two weeks late. I was not induced. Delivered naturally due to the full moon, according to my mom."
"Again. We were not close. But she came and stayed for close to a week? Two weeks? Here and the closest hotel, not remotely close to her standards. New baby delirium. I cannot remember the time span."
"We're still not as close as I'd like. She's still not seen my kiddo as much as I'd like. But she literally dropped everything to come support me and her first true grandchild. If my mom could do it? Anyone's can. Your mother is acting extremely off-putting, OP. I'm so sorry!"
"My mother literally came the next day. She dropped every plan- she is a social butterfly. All her friends sent flowers and cards. It was a bit insane. She was so sad I did it "alone." (My husband was there.) She thought coming the next day she'd make it. If your mother wanted to support you, she'd move Heaven and Earth." - Kellbows
"OP, is it possible that your mom and/or dad have main character issues? NOR. Retired child health care provider, mom, and grandmother here. Babies born more than one week early can have health issues, especially related to lung development. Do not try to get induced early."
"Your mom can see the baby after they come home. An 18-hour drive is not a good idea for you, as you are at risk for blood clots in your legs forming and going to your lungs. Stress will reduce your milk supply, and all round bad idea for the baby."
"I'm sorry they are being this way. The bright side is that you and your husband will have plenty of bonding time with little one. Cook and freeze meals before you are close to your due date."
"Lots of hugs for you and your little family from this internet mom and grandma." - Any-Alternative2667
"Plus, with feeding, burping, changing, and stopping the baby from crying, the '18-hour drive' would turn into probably at least a 24-hour drive. You are NOTNOR at all!"
"That's just a crazy idea, driving that far. It can't be good for the baby or for you, and it will be a nightmare. Bond with your new baby and rest (nap when the baby naps), enjoy the start of a new life! I'm sorry your parents won't be there, I really am. But you got this!" - Michigander_4941
The OP was relieved by the feedback she received.
"I really appreciate everyone's responses. I've been really conflicted about how I've been responding to this, oscillating between 'it's not a big deal,' and 'no, you're allowed to be upset,' and it's nice to hear outsiders' opinions."
"I think I'm mostly upset about their insistence that I need to travel/give birth early so they can meet my kid, not the seven-week vacation itself."
"I guess in hindsight, my parents have behaved a bit selfishly before, but not at the level of asking me to endanger myself/my kid."
"I've always been able to make excuses for it (for example, they never visited me when I lived across the country for years and repeatedly asked them to please come, but I chalked that up to the pandemic and an unwillingness to fly). I'm rethinking that now."
As fun as it might be to go on the trip, especially when it sounded like it would be better and bigger than ever, it sounded like going with family members who were entitled and acted like they were the main characters would actually bring the vibe down.
The OP was better off relaxing as much as she could through the birth of her child, enjoying bonding with her baby, and then finding something fun to do on her own terms.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp