No matter if we’re an introvert or extrovert, as adults, we all enjoy times when we are able to be alone and do something we enjoy uninterrupted.
And some of us may look back on our life so far and realize that we’ve never had a chance to have that personal space, which makes eventually acquiring it all the more important, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
One of the things Redditor _throwaway_1_3_5_7_9 was looking forward to when moving in with her future husband was using one of the spare bedrooms for herself, so she could have some of her own space.
But when her partner misunderstood this desire as trouble in their relationship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was asking for the wrong thing.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for wanting my own room?”
The OP had never had a space of her own.
“I (24 Female) and my fiancé (25 Male) are moving into a small three-bedroom house together in a couple of months.”
“I had never had my own room growing up and shared a room with a roommate in my current living situation to save up money. I always felt the need to share and felt guilty when I wanted to be alone in my room but couldn’t since someone else was there.”
“The only time I had a room all to myself was when my roommate or sibling was away. Even so, I didn’t feel like I truly had a room to myself.”
She was looking forward to having her own space when she was married.
“When discussing the use of one of the spare rooms in our soon-to-be house, I mentioned wanting to turn it into a bedroom for myself when I want to be alone.”
“My fiancé was confused and said he wanted to use the spare room for an at-home gym instead. The other spare room will be an office for when my fiancé needs to work from home.”
“I argued that he already has a claim over one of the spare rooms, and I should be allowed to use the other one for myself.”
“I told him that I was looking forward to having a space all to myself, where I can be alone when I want and am the only person that has access to it.”
“He argued that the point of moving in together was to share everything with each other and not just coexist in the same space.”
The OP didn’t like her future husband’s attempts at compromise.
“He said he would change his mind about wanting a gym if we agreed to turn the second room into a guest bedroom that both of us can use when we want to be in our own space.”
“I feel like I would still be sharing. If I have a room to myself to use and he wants to be alone at times, I can just go into my own room and give him the space he wants. “
“Would be splitting expenses 50/50, so I don’t think I am being that unreasonable.”
“AITA for wanting to have my own room?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found it reasonable for couples to have spaces, and even beds, to themselves.
“He’s behaving 1:1 like my controlling ex in this scenario. I think controlling behavior stems from thinking of oneself as the main character and the partner as the sidekick/servant, and that’s exactly what he’s expressing by ‘compromising’ with a suggestion that they share everything except one room that’s only his.” – sarcosaurus
“NTA. If you are moving into a three-bedroom house, and you both share one bedroom to sleep in, and you are sharing expenses equally, your fiancé can not FAIRLY claim both other rooms for himself (gym and office). His COMPROMISE is that he gets one of the rooms to himself and he ‘shares’ the other two with you.”
“You’re allowed to ask for a room of your own. You don’t need to justify why you want it, it could be a home library, an office, a craft room, or whatever you want. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, need to justify wanting one of the two spare rooms to claim for yourself.”
“Die on this hill. This is your fiance showing you, ‘What mine is mine, what is yours is also mine,’ which is total bulls**t. You don’t want a future with a partner with that selfish of a mindset. You can ask for fair. And you don’t need a reason or justify why you expect fair.” – DragonFireLettuce
“My husband’s snoring could wake the dead. He also has restless leg syndrome. Several times I woke up being pushed right off the bed when his legs were really bad. But his mama told him it was my duty to sleep in the same bed no matter what.”
“Eventually, I sent him to sleep at her house. While we were separated, he discovered that quite a few of his golf buddies had separate bedrooms for similar reasons. Apparently, it’s not as scandalous as his mother led him to believe.”
“I don’t know why he ever took advice from her. She also told him you can’t drink milk in hot weather because it will curdle in your stomach. That one makes me laugh every time I think of it.” – Additional_features
“My fiancé grinds teeth (mouth guard), talks in his sleep, etc. we start the night off together but I often went to the spare room halfway through the night because I couldn’t sleep.”
“The way I see it: it’s more important to get rest than it is to hold up something that is expected for some reason. Why am I going to be sleep deprived and cranky when it’s something that can be fixed easily?” – OriginalRaspberry_
Others thought more communication and compromise needed to happen first.
“He might not even be selfish, just unaware.”
“I ABSOLUTELY believe OP needs to have her own space, but I can understand fiancé not understanding wanting a separate bedroom for herself, because that’s not the norm, especially for new couples.”
“And yes, ‘he gets his own space’ with an office, but that’s something that is needed for work, for all we know, if she needed her own office space he’d be totally on board with that. He seems to be coming at this from the position of ‘the rooms need to be used for something NEEDED’ (e.g., guest room, fitness room, etc.) and doesn’t understand how important a place to consider just hers is to OP, quite possibly because it’s not something that’s important to him for himself.”
“OP, as someone who has her own little room in our little 750 square foot house that is mine to spend time in and decorate exactly as I want, TALK to your fiancé and explain to him how important this space is to you.”
“And then ask yourself what exactly you want from that space. Do you actually want/need a bedroom… would an awesome ‘she shed’ work just as great or even better? In any case, be willing to work with him if he’s willing to work with you, but if he’s not, then hold the line, because as someone who also has to have their own space, I can assure you this IS a hill worth dying on.” – Qierce
“I would go with ESH. They both suck for not having a discussion and reaching compromise prior to moving in together. Having an office is reasonable and in the future, dynamics could change and OP could need office space too.”
“However, the boyfriend sucks for planning to turn the last room into a gym (mainly for himself) without taking into account OP. OP sucks for claiming that office space is his private place and he has no say about the last room.”
“They are clearly not ready to start living together.” – BoysenberryBig5248
“I think the problem is people are looking at the office room and going, ‘That’s his,’ but if we look at it from another angle, it is merely ‘office space’ that OP doesn’t use because she doesn’t need to.”
“What IF OP did need some? Does she share that room with him or get the other room?”
“One is an office space because it needs to be, and if the other party is fine with sharing it for office uses, this whole selfish concept goes out the window.”
“Then it becomes a case of him just not understanding the concept of romantic partners ‘needing space to themself.'”
“I swear, if I was moving in with someone and they demanded a private room but didn’t try to explain why, just, ‘die on that hill, you don’t need to justify it,’ I’d treat that as a red flag and re-evaluate things.”
“Now, if it was explained to me, I’d be like, ‘Oh, I understand.'” – JustOneLazyMunchlax
“While I feel she deserves her own room to do what she likes since he has his office, her wanting a separate bedroom isn’t wrong but also isn’t exactly a social/cultural norm. I can see his confusion, so it just needs further discussion and examples of couples this works for.”
“A lot of people view coupledom as full sharing, but so often this isn’t the reality for every little thing, people get their own things, he just needs that adjustment that just because this is what everyone else does doesn’t mean we can’t do something different. Different isn’t bad.” – Anneofred
“I think he is concerned with sleeping in a separate room more than her having her own room, as that typically is a sign of relationships that are dying. I do know that it works for some, as they prefer to sleep by themselves, and if this is the case with op, then that needs to be discussed with her fiance.”
“Also, not stated in OP’s post, but do they both work out? Is that gym for them both, or just him?”
“My wife and I just moved into a house, and if she said she wanted a bedroom for herself, I would for sure question why. My wife has her living room with a TV, and I have my office/living room that we both use together.”
“Sometimes I go in and watch with her, or we use mine, and sometimes when I have a buddy that wants to play online gaming, I’ll go to my room while she watches TV in hers.”
“Now if OP said I just want a space to read, watch tv or crafts or whatever, I bet he wouldn’t have questioned it at all.” – IdolCowboy
“He does sound confused, and I think I’d be as well if my husband had said he needs his own bedroom. OP needs to sit down with him to explain her needs, and I’m guessing if she’d asked for something other than a second bedroom for herself, he wouldn’t be as confused.”
“Like the she shed concept, but she needs to explain her history better and needs here. Then if he’s resistant, she can look into his actions here and other situations further. But to immediately jump to ‘he’s controlling/borderline showing abusive tendencies/just selfish’ is way too much of a leap at this point in their conversation without more information.”
“Let’s wait to see how he reacts once she’s really explained her needs. I’d call this NAH (so far).” – rainyhawk
While the sub could understand why the OP wanted a space of her own, they were more divided on how the situation was being handled.
Some argued for the importance of the OP’s own space, especially since her partner would have a space that was his, even though it was for work, but others could understand why the OP’s partner was so concerned, given how little context had likely been provided for the OP’s plans.