Gratitude is a very revered expression in life.
People often yearn for it from loved ones.
So it can be heartbreaking when some loved ones rebuke one's efforts instead of showing appreciation.
Gifts given with great care may not always be perfect.
In fact, sometimes the imperfections make them all the more special.
Is that that big of a deal?
Redditor One_Entrepreneur5686 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for declining to 'fix' the errors I made in a blanket I crocheted for someone and taking it back instead?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I made a blanket for my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] Amanda."
"I was able to give it to her last weekend."
"She'd asked for it in certain colors."
"I didn't have any other projects on my to-do list, so I was happy to make it for her."
"I had most of the colors already, too, so it worked out."
"When I gave it to her she was excited and she started to look it over, I figured it was to see how it was put together since she doesn't crochet."
"After a little bit, she said that she loved the blanket, BUT she couldn't help but notice some of the little mistakes I'd made along the way."
"I asked her what she meant, and she pointed out some things like I'd accidentally done one row of striping instead of three for one section."
"I'd switched to the wrong color and threw off a 'pattern' at some point, etc."
"She handed it back to me and told me that she loved my progress with it and couldn't wait to see the finished project."
"I told her that it was finished."
"She looked down at it and said that it wasn't done until it was perfect, and I'd made several mistakes that I could easily go back to correct."
"I was honestly dumbfounded by this."
"I hate the way perfectionists try to force their quirk onto others."
"I made this blanket for her for free out of my free time because I love her."
"I told her that."
"She said she knew and she loved me for it but that she wouldn't be able to use it because she wouldn't be able to focus on anything but the mistakes."
"I said whatever and took the blanket back and said that if she didn't want it, I'd keep it."
"She looked surprised and said that she did want it."
"She just wanted my best work and not something half-a**ed."
"I told her that if she thinks me crocheting A WHOLE F**KING BLANKET and making minimal errors is half-a**ing it, I'd rather just keep the blanket."
"She was so upset with me and told me I was acting ridiculous and that it wouldn't take me long to fix it."
"If you know anything about crochet, you know that if I made an error on row 36 of an 1115-row blanket… that's essentially starting over again."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Anyway, I come to you all... LOL. AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You aren't being ridiculous, she definitely was."
"Super NTA."
"What she might be missing is that there is no 'fixing' an error like you described in crochet; you either start over or pull out the stitches back to the point of error to resume from there."
"She couldn't be a gracious recipient of a heartfelt, thoughtful, homemade gift and that shows you something about her."
"If she requires perfection, that's pretty incompatible with 'homemade', not to mention SUPER dismissive and presumptuous of her not to prioritize the hard work and hours that went into making it."
"Given that she's a member of your family and you probably don't want a long-term rift, I would hold my ground but try to diffuse it."
"Just explain, repeatedly if necessary, that it's too bad your gift didn't work out but no hard feelings."
"Do not feel forced to start again or to fix the blanket in any way."
"Try not to create drama or judgment over her for it - believe me, her response to this whole thing stands alone."
"And don't offer to make her anything in the future, that's for sure."
"NTA NTA NTA." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"I am with you 100% until 'no hard feelings.'"
"If what you mean is that OP should drop the issue, not engage, and not speak about the incident, I agree."
"But if you really mean 'no hard feelings' I think that is bad advice."
"It is so important to set standards and to value your own well-being."
"OP should remember that this sister-in-law treated her very badly and she should minimize contact."
"She should not say a word about it, even if her sister-in-law asks why she doesn't see her as often but she should stay away."
"Life is much too short to spend it with unkind, disrespectful people." ~ EmceeSuzy
"If OP wants to cut contact that's her prerogative, but I don't think this is a situation that calls for advising her to cut contact."
"I crochet myself, and it's most likely that the SIL doesn't realize how much time and effort goes into crocheting."
"Criticizing a gift someone made you for free out of the kindness of their heart is an ahole move even if it took 5 seconds for them to make, and the SIL is definitely being entitled, but the solution is simply to not make her more gifts."
"Also communicate to her what the issue is and how hurtful it is for her to act this way."
"This shouldn't be minimized, but it also doesn't call for cutting all contact with her."
"From what OP said in the post they sound pretty close."
"Even when she responded to her SIL she said, 'I love you but...'"
"When you advise people to cut contact over every conflict that comes up in their life, it starts to lose all meaning and nobody takes you seriously."
"Then when there's an actual abusive situation someone is in, if they come here for advice and people tell them to cut contact they just roll their eyes and think it's classic Reddit telling them to cut contact over everything rather than taking it seriously." ~ Zealousideal_Long118
"Agreed, and NTA. This is someone who will not be good with any handmade gift."
"Give her a store-bought blanket."
"Maybe someday when her child makes her something 'unfinished' she can deal with whatever this issue is of hers then, but it's not your problem." ~ gymngdoll
"This answer is pitch-perfect."
"Don't get caught up in a debate about this because it's beneath you."
"It's obvious that SIL is way out of line."
"If she starts in on the 'your best work' crap again, I would very kindly ask her, 'I'm surprised you would say something like that to me. Are you ok?' because that is an unhinged way to speak to an adult."
"Hell, it's messed up to speak to anyone like that about a gift they made you."
"Her behavior is not about the blanket, it's not about you."
"It's about her. NTA." ~ Secure-Flight-291
"NTA. The best part of these kinds of homemade gifts is the imperfections that make them unique and special."
"'Fixing it' would ruin that." ~ Hawaiianstylin808
"I knit. I know an error I made in row 12 isn't fixable unless I undo everything above row 12 and re-knit it; obviously impossible if the work has already been cast off."
"Your next gift to miss has to be perfect."
"It should be a 'How to crochet' book, a couple of different-sized hooks, and a nice selection of yarn. Or maybe you could get an actual kit?"
"Give it to her with great excitement, and gush how much you're looking forward to spending time crocheting with her and how thrilled you'll be when she can match you stitch for stitch."
"Inform her how satisfying it will be for her to crochet her own perfect blanket, to her own standards."
"Lucky Amanda!"
"NTA, and I really admire anyone who can crochet." ~ The_Blonde1
"Perfect!! The best idea so far!!"
"I can crochet like a mad woman, but despite me inheriting my grandmother's knitting needles, I can't knit a straight line to save my life, so I'm envious."
"I read once that some crafters INTENTIONALLY put an error in their work just to make sure to keep it from being 'perfect.'"
"I don't have to do that, as I know there will always be a miscount or something in my work, but it will still look good. lol." ~ WA_State_Buckeye
"I knit and have been told that having a perfect project means the demons get stuck inside and you don't want be-demoned knitwear."
"Having a mistake means they can pass through."
"I don't feel like I have demons lurking around but clearly, that's because I always have at least one mistake in my knitting :P."
"NTA, OP."
"I'd just tell her you didn't see the mistakes as you worked and don't have time to make another one right now." ~ souvenireclipse
"NTA. I crochet my philosophy is I make what I love for who I love... and I don't take requests lol."
"My tags actually say 'made with love and mistakes.'"
"The beauty of something homemade is that it is one of a kind... not made by a machine, so what she sees as 'mistakes' to me make it unique and wonderful."
"Keep it... or gift it to someone who will appreciate it but never make her something again." ~ pudge-thefish
"I knit, (a lot)."
"It's my hobby, and I'm very good."
"In fact, I'm so good I sell my knits on my hobby Etsy shop."
"I knit baby and toddler clothes."
"I could sell them at a premium price as well. (I don't, though)."
"But guess what, I make the odd small and bigger mistakes occasionally."
"I don't know one crafter who doesn't make small or bigger mistakes."
"They are part of the love that goes into each item made."
"Your SIL is full of crap; if you'd crochet me that blanket, all I'd see is the love and care you put into it."
"Keep your lovely blanket for yourself, and tell her to go pound sand."
"NTA by any means." ~ lovinglifeatmyage
"NTA! I'm a knitter as well, and there are some mistakes I fix and some I don't."
"I would never go back and fix anything on a blanket - they're big, and who cares as long as it keeps you warm and cozy?!?"
"It's a design feature at that point."
"That was an amazing gift, and she is a massive a**hole and is not craftworthy."
"I'm so glad you took the blanket back." ~ Becca_Bot_3000
"I just whispered 'What the f**k?' to myself when I read this."
"Jeez, NTA. Who cares that much about something like a blanket being flawless?" ~ notmappedout
"Same! I think I would have just stood there with my mouth open, blinking at her."
"Like you said what…"
"OP is NTA at all."
"Seriously that person would be on my give no f**ks list after that."
"Birthdays etc... get generic gifts from the shops that I got in a sale."
"Like maybe a candle, every year, and not the good kind." ~ SingleMaltLife
"NTA, if SIL wants a 'perfect' crochet blanket she can buy the yarn, crochet hooks, and sit down to learn how to do it herself."
"It's the only way she'll have any appreciation for how much time and effort went into the blanket."
"Don't make anything for her unless you're paid upfront, the maximum wage per hour spent crocheting, plus materials costs." ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
"NTA - as someone who sees patterns excessively and really notices any misfitting elements, it would annoy me greatly if there were glitches in a pattern like that."
"But... I'd never dream of returning a gift that was homemade for me like that, or of trying to force someone to do a load of extra work for something just because I have a quirk."
"I would consider the effort made to give me something beautiful and individual like that to be worth the effort in return for quashing my involuntary irritation at the pattern and learning to genuinely love the item exactly as it is, just the way I love the person that made it." ~ redcore4
"NTA and she's a shi**y friend."
"Lots of my friends are great at crafts."
"I'm right now wearing socks made by a friend who tried out a new way of making the heel which didn't turn out quite perfect."
"Who cares?"
"She took time out of her day to make me a gift and I love those socks."
"On rare occasions, I make things for my friends too, but let's face it: I suck at crafts and everything comes out wonky."
"Not ONCE have any of my friends rejected those presents." ~ Dull-Investigator-17
"NTA. For one thing, she has no clue how long it will take to 'fix' the 'errors.'"
"But the main point is that no reasonable human being criticizes a gift, especially a handmade gift!"
"The only appropriate reaction is 'Oh, my! How beautiful! I can't believe you took so much time over this for me!'" ~ Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA. Your sister-in-law is a wet blanket."
"What a poor attitude after your hours of work!"
"One of the best things about homemade gifts is little quirks like that."
"I hope she doesn't treat your brother like that when he does nice things for her." ~ phoe_nixipixie
"NTA. This is such wildly rude and entitled behavior."
"I would absolutely take the blanket back."
"There is an entire Greek myth about putting small mistakes into fiber work on purpose so as to not upset the goddess Athena like Arachne did, claiming to be perfect got her turned into a spider."
"There is another old European one, about never finishing the last stitch of tapes, in case the subjects come alive."
"You tell this ungrateful creature to stop trying to get you in trouble with crafting deities." ~ brigiliz
"NTA. I've been crocheting for over 20 years."
"If she wanted close to perfect, she needs to pay."
"Quite a bit too."
"And it's fiber art."
"It won't be perfect anyway." ~ uncommonbreeddogmom
"NTA. She sounds like an elementary school teacher trying to deal with an 8-year-old who rushes his homework, not an adult talking to another adult." ~ 0biterdicta
"Wow, she's being so rude."
"To look over the blanket and point out 'mistakes.' So rude."
"NTA at all and I think you handled the conversation very well for what it's worth." ~ AmyEMH
Reddit is on your side, OP.
You took your time and effort to give a gift from the heart.
Your feelings of hurt are valid, and your SIL is out of line.
Enjoy your blanket.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp