Words carry immense weight and consequences.
Not all commentary is welcome despite what "good" intentions the person may have.
But also, if you're giving it, you need to be ready to take it.
Case in point...
Redditor Shesaidhesaid7 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for how I responded when my fiancée's sister commented on my flatchest?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"To get this out of the way: I'm a flatchested girl."
"I suffered from health issues and growth problems, so I'm small but I'm proud of myself."
"My fiancée and I went over to his parent's house for his niece's birthday."
"I wore a sweetheart shape dress and my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] (Mel) who always comments on my chest, saw the dress and went like 'this dress needs boobs, you ain't got any.'"
"I ignored her, but then at dinner, she asked if I was planning on getting any plastic surgery before the wedding so that I don't 'ruin' the wedding dress."
"I found this offensive especially when others were watching. I said nothing, but when we were sitting in the living room later, Mel suddenly started wiping her nose and trying to clear it (it's stuffed due to cold apparently)."
"She has a large nose, so I smiled and asked 'do you need help with that? I could get the plunger for you.'"
"She was stunned, and the room got awkward after her husband was laughing."
"She was fuming and told my fiancée that I stepped out of line and ruined her daughter's birthday with my words that humiliated her."
"My fiancée said I shouldn't have caused a scene after his parents told us to leave."
"I explained how her comments made me feel, but he said she said it was out of concern, but my comment was out of hate."
"Now she's expecting an apology."
"Did I go too far here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Where are you women getting these men that wouldn't stand up for you against their family bullying?"
"You might want to consider the relationship?"
"NTA, by the way."
"She deserved every bit that came to her."
"Your man is an a**hole, though."
"An apology for what?" ~ Teresa_Chavez
"Came here to say the same."
"If someone commented on my partner's chest offensively like that, I'd roast them to ashes, and finally go N[o] C[ontact] with them."
"Folks, choose people who love you, respect you, and stand by you when you are wronged." ~ 000-Hotaru_Tomoe
"The moment your fiancé didn't stand up and say, 'Well maybe next time you'll think twice about insulting her breast size, Nosezilla!'"
"Was the moment you should have yeeted him through the window and noped right outta there."
"Still, I believe in redemption."
"You should make a single apology to her, but only after she makes a separate apology to you for each time she has mocked or insulted your breasts." ~ Curious-One4595
"The part where her fiancée said Mel's comments were out of concern made me pause."
"At that point, I started to wonder, does OP's fiancée agree with his sister but doesn't feel like he can say that to OP?"
"Maybe that's why he's not defending OP against those remarks."
"I can't figure out another reason why he would describe those comments as coming from a place of concern unless he is also somewhat 'concerned' about it."
"NTA! To be clear, I am a proud member of the Itty Bitty Ti**y Committee."
"If OP's fiancée agrees with Mel then he is also ridiculous."
"Unfortunately his wording and failure to defend OP made me think he may feel similarly."
"He may even have said something about it to Mel/his family, which would be extra gross." ~ emilygoldfinch410
"I didn't get why he said his sister said it out of concern."
"That makes zero sense to me. Concern for what?"
"How is stating her smaller chest would ruin the wedding something that comes from a loving, caring place?"
"How would having a smaller chest ruin a wedding at all?"
"Fiancée needs to check his own feelings on the matter."
"And if it bothers him so much that OP has a smaller chest, he needs to grow up and get over it and love her the way she is or if he can't, leave so she can find someone who will love her the way she should be because she's perfect as is." ~ East_Donut2862
"NTA. Love that the SIL's husband was the only one to laugh."
"He knows all too well what his wife is like, I bet."
"'Concern' my butt. those comments were rude, unwelcome, and unnecessary."
"like what, can't take a joke honey when you seem to find it your place to comment on other's physical appearance?" ~ -pixiefyre-
"NTA. Did your fiancée actually say her comments about your chest were 'out of concern?'"
"I think you should postpone this engagement if that's how he really feels."
"Good on you for getting her back because it's horrible for someone to comment on someone else's body." ~ susanbarron33
"If that's the argument. Then. I mean. OP was also 'out of concern' she simply offered a convenient way for Mel to be able to breathe better."
"What's more concerning than one's ability to breathe?"
"For real though. NTA OP. That burn was iconic." ~ drawohhteb
"I'm walking through all the likely possibilities and either he's easily duped by people who may scam him out of his life savings because they sounded sincere at the time or he's harboring these feelings about you too."
"I gotta say neither is good and you're in at least a little danger of this man failing you when you're most vulnerable because he's not on the same page as you. NTA." ~ FerrousFellow
"Do not marry a man who lets his sister treat you like this."
"Postpone the wedding indefinitely and let your fiancée know he either grows a spine or you are walking. NTA." ~ The__Riker__Maneuver
"NTA. Don't talk sh*t if you don't wanna get it shoveled back at you."
"However, if your husband thinks she said it out of 'concern' that leads me to believe that he agrees with her about your appearance."
"That may be your real problem." ~ Sbob9999
"This right here, OP."
"Your fiancée's comment about 'concern' means he sees a flat chest as a concern."
"I wonder if he and his sister have been talking about you getting plastic surgery and trying to break your self-esteem to go along with it."
"I would rethink this engagement. NTA." ~ Specialist_Point1980
"NTA, and your fiancée's response is what's more concerning."
"Commenting on the size of someone's breasts and suggesting they get enhancement surgery is never acceptable, and it's ridiculous that he'd say it is out of concern."
"There's no way he's that dense." ~ Turbulent-Army2631
"Hell no, you're NTA."
"She wants to make inappropriate comments constantly, she can have a taste of her own medicine."
"She can have an apology once she apologizes to you first."
"What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." ~ leo-m-s
"Is your fianceé going to get his b*lls surgically reattached before your wedding?"
"Because I guarantee, he isn't the one holding them."
"He didn't say one word to defend you, that should be the only reason you need to put the brakes on your wedding. NTA." ~ Limerase
"NTA. You were petty, but it's a good way for everyone to show their colors."
"At least HER husband laughed."
"Yours blamed you while saying nothing when she insulted you because that's what it is."
"'Out of concern' BULLS**T."
"Start pointing your husband's insecurity/default as 'CONCERN' for him."
"Let's see how would he enjoy that." ~ RahKiel
"NTA. She deserves some of her own medicine, and it's not like you went out of your way to dig at her."
"Also, if your fiancé thinks her comments were not intended to be hurtful he needs a little sit down on your expectations for him to stand up for you." ~ Ambitious_Link6047
"NTA!! Why doesn't your fiancé defend you?"
"And next time she starts talking about your boobs ask her if she found her bisexual awakening since she can't stop staring and talking about your tetas!!!"
"I promise you she won't bother you again... before anyone comes at me I'm bisexual!!!" ~ Afloritas199
"NTA, her husband laughed because someone finally gave her a dose of her own medicine and he's been watching that family enable her hurtful behavior."
"If your fiancée thinks that she was not being hateful toward you, I would examine that relationship carefully."
"It doesn't sound like your well-being will be his top priority when you join that family."
"At a minimum, you need to communicate expectations and hold him accountable when he doesn't meet them." ~ TinaMonday
"NTA. Ooh she deserved that!"
"The only decent person here besides OP is the brother-in-law."
"Postpone that wedding cause the future husband there not only didn't stick up for you 3 times but then informed you that SIL'S comment was out of concern for filling out a bridal bodice!"
"Holy crap so he agrees that there should be concern about no boobs in the dress?!"
"But he's blind to the fact that besides B[rother] I[n] L[aw], everyone else ganged up to show solidarity behind SIL."
"This isn't the husband nor family you want." ~ cakes701
Well OP, Reddit sounds like they're with you.
And seems a little concerned as well.
This is quite a situation.
Good luck with the wedding should you decide to go forward with it.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.