Most parents will do anything to protect their children.
From the tiniest of issues to great problems, they will stand in the way of anyone who inflicts pain or discomfort of any kind.
Of course, most wouldn't fathom that person would be their very own mother.
A dad was furious after his mom tried to force his autistic son to eat foods he hates, making him cry in the process, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor hy4lur0n1c_ asked:
AITA for walking out of my mom's house after she forced my autistic son to eat food he hates?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a single dad (32/M[ale]) to my 17-year-old son, Ronnie."
"He's autistic and has some pretty specific food sensitivities."
"It's not just that he doesn't like certain foods, some textures are genuinely overwhelming for him."
"Eggplant, asparagus, apples, and brussels sprouts are on his list of foods he just can't handle, and I've always respected that."
"My mom, on the other hand, doesn't."
"She's never really taken the time to understand Ronnie's needs and insists that he's just being picky or difficult."
"I've tried to explain it to her many times, but she doesn't seem to take it seriously."
"Recently, she invited us over for dinner. "
"She said it would be a nice family evening, and I figured we'd give it a shot."
"When we got there, I immediately noticed that most of the dishes she'd prepared were things Ronnie struggles with."
"It felt intentional, like she was trying to prove a point."
"Ronnie was visibly uncomfortable but tried to stay polite."
"I could tell he was trying his best to handle the situation, but eventually, it became too much for him."
"He started tugging at his hair, something he does when he's overwhelmed."
"Instead of showing any understanding or compassion, my mom became upset with him for it."
"At that point, I decided enough was enough."
"I told her we were leaving and took Ronnie home."
"He was really upset and told me how embarrassed and humiliated he felt."
"It broke my heart."
"Since then, my mom has been flooding my phone with angry messages, accusing Ronnie of being ungrateful and me of spoiling him."
"She's also posted about the situation on Facebook, calling us both disrespectful and making it seem like she was just trying to help."
"Some family members think I should apologize to smooth things over, but I honestly don't see why I should."
"I feel like I did the right thing by putting Ronnie first, but with all the backlash, I'm starting to second-guess myself."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation.
"NTA but it doesn't seem like your mother has any respect for you as a fellow parent."
"I'd start putting up some boundaries where you can." - NotSureItsFunny
"Never, ever, EVER second guess, or apologize for putting your child's needs first."
"Not to your mom, and certainly not drama- glom family members on Facebook NTA, and your mom can go suck a butt." - Cinderskella
"As a mom to 3 AuDHD kids & someone who has their own texture issues, to hell with your mom."
"You are absolutely NTA you are your child's advocate."
"I praise you for removing your son from that situation."
"Your mom was being a bully & very disrespectful."
"Tell others to kiss your a**, you are the one owed an apology." - FarlerFive
"NTA.""NOPE."
"I'm a very picky eater, and I'm not autistic."
"When I moved out on my own I vowed to indulge my pickiness to the fullest and 30+ years later I still am."
"NTA" - 74Magick
"NTA. Even if he just was being picky, he's not obligated to eat her gross food."
"Sounds like your mom is a pretty apathetic and idiotic person."
"Also, why do boomers feel that need to share private family matters on Facebook?"
"Sorry Ronnie and you had to deal with that."
"I would have loudly told Ronnie I'm taking him to his favorite fast food restaurant on the way out and flipped off my mom with a smile on my face." - Big_Ant5209
"NTA."
"Humiliating your son is not something a caring grandparent does. She's supposed to be on his team."
"He has enough pressure working against him in society."
"She's an ableist who has a strong streak of perpetual victimhood."
"If she hasn't figured this out by 17, she's not going to figure it out." - Ok_Routine9099
"NTA. Do you know food your mum hates?"
"I'd invite her to dinner and make her eat food she can't stand." - SurroundMiserable262
"I do not like eggplant. I never have. (I'm also ND but that's neither here nor there)."
"Guess what. I have NEVER had to actually eat eggplant (or any of the other foods I don't like or can't handle)."
"Because I'm an adult and am perfectly capable of choosing my own meals, and of removing things I can't eat when they are in meals and recipes I'm having for whatever reason."
"So, I'm genuinely confused about how forcing someone to eat foods they don't like (can't tolerate) is helping. In what way?"
"What is the problem you are currently having that she is solving?"
"What is the future, definitely foreseeable problem she's helping you avoid?"
"I'd ask her or anyone who comes at you for her to please explain those things."
"I'd also ask them if there are foods, as adults, they don't like and are they allowed to not like them or does someone force them to eat them?"
"Cause you and I both know no one is eating the liver and onions they don't want to eat once they are full adults."
"NTA. Time to put your mom in time out." - LimitlessMegan
"'It felt intentional'"
"That's because it was."
"She deliberately fixed dishes she knew he couldn't handle, probably with the idea of forcing him to eat them."
"Did she honestly think he was going to say, 'OMG, I was wrong! These are delicious!' and she'd pat herself on the back for this wonderful breakthrough?"
"No. That was pretty much aggression on her part."
"She wanted him to have a bad time."
"You're NTA. I won't print what I think she is." - Senator_Bink
"NTA you never apologize for protecting your son, he is your top priority."
"Your mum is damn right ignorant; she should accept what you say in regard to your son's autism, his likes, dislikes, and triggers."
"For the fact your son is 17 and puts it down to him being a picky eater shows how uneducated she is in regard to autism."
"She should know better. She should do better."
"Then to put it on social media, she's playing the victim for her bad behavior" - Majestic_Bit_4784
"NTA. You made the right choice by standing up for your son and prioritizing his well-being."
"Your mom's behavior was not only inconsiderate but also disrespectful of Ronnie's needs and the understanding you've tried to convey to her" - SadlyNervous
"Your mum is not a nice person. Forcing an autistic person like that can do real damage."
"You did the right thing."
"You should educate people about autism. It is not something that can be fixed. It is something you live with the best way you can."
"Also, why force anyone to eat food they don't like?"
"That is controlling behavior. It can even be abusive."
"Anyone who tells you to apologize is someone you need to talk to about autism."
"Also how this made your son feel."
"NTA." - HereWeGoAgain-1979
"My oldest is autistic, and my parents bent over backward to make sure they offered foods he could eat or buy him clothes with no tags, the way normal people act when they have a family member with sensory issues."
"Your kid needs you to protect him and watch out for his best interests, and you did both."
"You both went to her home with the best intentions, but your mother didn't reciprocate."
"She's of that old mindset that if you just force the kid to eat something they 'just don't like,' all of his 'little problems' are solved."
"You're NTA, but your mom sure is."
"You did the right thing." - cometshoney
"My sister and her husband decided to 'starve' my little ones because 'if they get hungry enough they'll eat what we made.'"
"My non-verbal son decided they were stupid and needed help and whomped the BIL with a jar of peanut butter to give him a clue."
"I was so proud. (The kiddos were there for a morning so I could go to an appointment. My auntie was there and filled me in)"
"That was the last of many little things that got them cut out of my life."
"I encourage my kids to try new things but what your mother did was inexcusable."
"NTA and good job from one autism parent to another." - DazzlingDoofus71
Redditors all agree that OP did the right thing by standing up to his mom and protecting his son.
Hopefully, he can find comfort in their messages as he continues to do what's best for Ronnie.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp