Family helping each other out is pretty standard practice. But sometimes help turns into being taken advantage of.
A sister who feels exploited turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Statistic-Error asked:
“AITA for telling my sister to stop expecting me to play baby daddy?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My (29, female) twin sister, Maya (29, female), has a 1-year-old son, Lucas—we’re identical twins. A little backstory: she had a horrible pregnancy right from the first trimester and had to quit her job since she was spending too much time out of the office.”
“Her ex-boyfriend turned out to be a POS who claimed Maya had cheated on him and pinned the baby on him, and when my family insisted on taking a paternity test as soon as the baby was born, he agreed but went out for some milk before the due date.”
“After Lucas was born, finances became too tricky with a newborn and Maya’s postpartum complications. She asked if I could let her stay with me temporarily so she doesn’t have to pay rent and I agreed.”
“I have an extra room in my house—which I inherited from my grandma, we both did, but she sold her half to me—so I don’t have to worry about rent either.”
“Most of my family, including my sister, got sums of money and/or investment shares. My sister and I got 50% ownership of this house and a sum of money each.”
“Not millions or anything, but after adding my savings to my share, I bought her out as she preferred to live with her (then) boyfriend.”
“Long story short, it’s been tough living with a baby whose mother needs so much more help than one person can provide. Our parents live too far to be of any help.”
“Anyway, I didn’t mind waking up half the time to give Lucas his bottle or staying with him when she needed some time to herself. I also paid for everything baby-related.”
“Hospital bills for both her and my nephew, food, clothes, and diapers, you name it. But now that both Maya and my nephew are stable enough that she resumed working, she started pushing for more.”
“She expected me to keep paying for everything, but I told her it’s harder now that I’m not putting in as many hours and I get paid per hour. Still, she buys nothing and I end up paying anyway.”
“She also thinks it doesn’t make sense to pay for daycare when I’m home most of the day. I ended up paying for it myself when she wouldn’t.”
“I think it’s important to add I refused to adopt Lucas. Everyone has always known I will adopt a child or more in the future, but when Maya asked, I didn’t think she would be willing to stay in her bio son’s life as an aunt, and I don’t think the confusion would do anyone any good.”
“So Monday, she asked me to take Lucas to his hospital appointment and I said no. I told her to take a day off for that because my job hasn’t been doing well lately, as I’ve been spending too much time taking care of Lucas.”
“She pointed out how this is my nephew and if I adopt kids, I will need to make sacrifices too, to which I said ‘I will make them when the time comes, but I’m not Lucas’s dad, and although I’m happy to help where I can, I shouldn’t be expected to change my life for him’.”
“Maya took a day off, but since the appointment, she hasn’t spoken to me except a yes/no mumble when I talk to her, and she’s been keeping Lucas in her room when he’s not at daycare.”
“I love the little guy with all my life, and I’m wondering if maybe I took things too far.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my sister she was expecting me to play the role of a father in her son’s life, and I may have poked on an old wound.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA—important boundary set here, you are not the father or employed as a babysitter. Setting this boundary now is important to nip unreasonable expectations in the bud.” ~ sswishbone
“I feel like they’re long past nipping anything it the bud! She’s let her sister live with her for free and paid for most of the baby stuff for a year, as well as doing key care tasks like feeding him at night.”
“She definitely needs to hold onto those boundaries she’s trying to set now though! NTA.” ~ heggy48
“NTA. Agree. It’s great to draw boundaries, but a year later is well past trying to nip things in the bud. OP has said yes to so much and kept taking the financial hit instead of making waves, and it’s hard to backtrack now.”
“The reality is, there needs to be a discussion about what sister’s long term plan is and how she’s either going to contribute or it’s time to find other accommodations. What I find truly worrisome is that if sister is in need of money to support her child, she also actively needs to be pursuing child support with the child’s father instead of trying to get OP to adopt the kid, so they can be financially liable.”
“At this point, I think it’s safe to assume OP’s sister doesn’t have good intentions and is trying to make sure OP is on the hook to keep paying. While it’s wonderful to want to support your sister and nephew, lines are being crossed and she’s trying to put OP in a situation where there’s no escape from financial liability.” ~ screamqueen57
“NTA. Your sister is taking advantage of you. You need to reclaim your life and house.” ~ jhercules
“NTA! I have sadly been in your position as a sister and i must say, it won’t end well! You will always be reminded that its not your kid when its convinient for them.”
“In my opinion, she should live on her own with her kid. You can then do normal aunty duties and not 2nd parent duties. I hope this helps, if it doesn’t disregard. Good Luck.” ~ honeybabybear05
“She isn’t struggling. She’s living rent free, having all her expenses paid for by you, and has free childcare via you.”
“In no world is she struggling. She has more help than most mothers do when the father is an active participant.”
“She’s manipulated you into thinking she’s struggling and needs your help just to get by. NTA.” ~ Mike15321
“The trouble is, when will her struggle end? There will always be some reason that your sister will claim is why she and Lucas can’t move out, why they need your financial and physical support.”
“If Maya truly needs so much financial assistance, it’s time for her to establish child support and/or government assistance. There are many programs a single mom and her young child will qualify for, which will help give them a step up and not bleed OP dry. NTA.” ~ SnarkySheep
“NTA. Mentioning you’ll have to make sacrifices after how much you’ve already stepped up reeks of manipulation and entitlement.”
“Yes, she has it hard, but she also needs to appreciate and respect how much you’ve helped. And you need the ability to live and move freely or you’ll both sink.”
“Perhaps she should go move in with mom or dad, but you should definitely discuss responsibilities/finances and a move out date.” ~ November-8485
“She also needs to apply to the courts for child support and get that ball rolling.”
“She may need to talk with a doctor about postpartum depression as well.”
“NTA. You were helping her and now she’s taking it for granted and is being a leech. She does either need to start getting her act together or find another solution.”
“Can I ask what country you’re in, because that will determine some of the laws you may have issues with. I saw someone mention squatters rights, and that’s an issue in some countries but not others, as is the social service support available.” ~ Vegetable_Stuff1850
“You have not taken things far enough. Stop paying anything for her. At this point, Maya is a leech. Discuss a move out date with her. NTA.” ~ Jealous_Radish_2728
“Has it hard? She’s living rent free, with her family paying most of her baby and healthcare expenses and helping her out regularly—that’s more help than a lot of new mothers have when they have a partner.”
“People like this remind me of my sister-in-law, who’s always whinging about being a struggling single mother when she actually lived with her doting parents.”
“She went back to work while her mum acted as a 24/7 unpaid nanny, cleaner and cook, AND her parents picked up most of the expenses of having a child: groceries, medical, school expenses, clothes, etc…”
“I think many single mothers do a great job, but let’s not pretend that someone supported by parents and/or siblings is worse off than someone supported by a partner. NTA.” ~ MichaSound
“Single mom here, 100% custody, with zero help or child support. Reading stories like these drives me nuts.”
“OP’s sister has been so lucky, and doesn’t appreciate it, and I’m so jealous. NTA.” ~ Desperate_Fox_2882
“OP has already been manipulated into adopting Lucas just like Maya wanted, except now she gets to still claim she is his mum, just like OO’s reason for not going the legal adoption route.”
“OP needs to either finish what they started, adopt Lucas, kick out Maya, and set hard boundaries about their relationship going forward, or she needs to stop being a parent to Lucas and set hard boundaries going forward, including potentially giving is a move-out date.”
“Either way, Maya needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the choices she made and track down baby Dady instead of relying on OP, and OP needs to stop enabling Maya.” ~ Environmental_Art591
It sounds like the OP needs to have a serious discussion with her sister.