Watching as a lifelong friend goes through an important life event, like getting a promotion or getting married, is certainly a reason to celebrate.
But it's a terrible feeling if they suddenly take advantage of that friendship in favor of their big event, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor pianowedding64 was excited about her childhood friend getting married, at least until the bride started pressuring her to play piano for the wedding, for free.
When the bride and her friends were furious with her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being selfish by declining.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not fulfilling my friend's request for her wedding?"
The OP was excited about her childhood friend's wedding.
"My (23 Female) friend, Lisa (24 Female), is getting married in October."
"I have known Lisa since we were around 11 years old, so when I heard she was getting married, I was extremely excited."
"She let me be a part of the wedding planning, and we discussed all the things she wanted at her wedding."
Things changed when the subject of music came up.
"We came to the topic of music, and Lisa really wanted live music from a pianist."
"I told her that it was a great idea, but it would be a bit pricy."
"She then got the idea that I should be the pianist for the wedding, that way it would be for free."
The OP had concerns about this idea.
"I played piano from when I was about 10-15. However, I quit because I started developing pains in my hand, and I was just no longer interested in the instrument."
"I told her that while I appreciate the offer, I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to play due to my hand issues and skill."
"She got really upset at this and begged me, because they really wanted live music but couldn't afford it, and I was the only outlet."
"I told her no once again, and she got mad at me and got quiet the rest of the night."
The bride wasn't the only one who was upset.
"That morning, a few of our friends texted me, saying that I should feel ashamed for not wanting to do a favor for a close friend."
"They told me I should just get lessons to refresh my skills if I'm so embarrassed."
"But when I asked if anyone would pay for these lessons, they told me that it's my responsibility."
"I feel really torn because my family is on my side, but all my friends (except a few) are telling me that I need to do this."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the friend was delusional to not want to pay the OP to perform.
"NTA. If she appreciates any musician's work, she should pay them! I'm so tired of people expecting artists to work for free."
"On top of that, you explained why you can't, and for her to not respect that is even ruder."
"Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes and this is one of those times. The bride is the AH, big time." - MidniteProph
"NTA. You aren't the on-call pianist. The only reason she asked you was because she knew it would be free."
"Artists of all kinds work and sacrifice to get to where they are. They, and you, shouldn't be taken for granted. She's and the friends are definitely TAs." - juliekelleher57
"NTA. That cheap manipulative AH."
"You haven't played in 8 years due to injury and she wants you to play at her wedding to save money??"
"Why don't the friends take lessons themselves? I'm sure if they each learned a piece, they can cover the whole ceremony." - cassowary32
"My daughter's 1-hour weekly piano lessons are $200 per month. So they want you to pay $600 for the privilege and expectation to play at a wedding you don't want to play at?"
"No."
"Tell your friends, all of them, that they are certifiably insane. Her expectations should not cost you $600 and 6 - 10 hours per week of practice from now until her wedding."
"If a pianist was so important, she should have budgeted for it."
"She can moan, groan, complain and pout about it, but again, if this was actually important to her, she would have budgeted for it in the beginning." - Avoidingthecrap
"NTA. She's probably more upset that she doesn't think she can afford live music and you just happen to be where she's venting right now."
"If you feel guilty, I'd ask myself, 'How happy would she be if I agreed to play and I sounded awful because I haven't played in 8 years? How happy would she be if I could only play for an hour because I no longer have the finger strength and stamina, but still have the hand injuries?'"
"Also ask yourself, 'What part of her not being able to afford a pianist means I need to pay for hours of lessons, put in countless hours of practice, then work for free at a wedding?'"
"Your friends who are telling you to be ashamed of yourself are also AHs. They can raise a collection for a pianist or take lessons themselves if they're so concerned." - Forsaken_Ebb_1884
"NTA."
"She didn't just get the idea of you doing it after you told her it could be expensive. That's what she wanted all along because god forbid entitled brides to have to pay for their own luxuries."
"Tell your friend to look into hiring current students to try to get a better rate. If that's not manageable, she can use a recording like so many brides before her." - jenkinsburns
"50 hours x $80/ hour for lessons = $4,000."
"Plus another 200 hours or more practicing. If you value the OPs time at $20/ hour, that's another $4,000."
"All so she can sit in a corner and not be able to socialize or dance at the event."
"That's a hell of a wedding gift."
"But the bride would probably still expect the OP to buy something off of the Wedding Registry as well. LOL." - Dennis_Ogre
Others pointed out that "no" was always a complete sentence.
"100% NTA. She asked and you said no. She's ignoring a clear boundary. She's also expecting you to work at a wedding for free."
"Not only is she an AH, but so are your friends. Stay strong and don't cave!" - Alternative_Tie_4220
"NTA. If you don't feel you're up to the event then you shouldn't do it. It could turn out really bad." - SoSleepySue
"Girl, hold up."
"1. You played for 5 years, a decade ago."
"2. It caused pain."
"3. Friend asked if you'd play at her wedding, for FREE."
"4. You declined (and explained why, but you frankly didn't even need to)."
"5. She persisted and guilt tripped you about it (which is gross, plus her financial issues aren't your problem)."
"6. Apparently, she complained and/or spun a story about this to others, which is… really immature. Have you spoken to these friends yourself? Do you know they have the correct version of the situation?"
"NTA. Just….. Don't deal with all this drama, the lessons, and the high-pressure favor unless you know it's for someone who values your friendship (and seriously, don't do it for free)." - kyl_r
"NTA."
"Since the friends want you to take lessons to refresh your skills ask them to pay for them. Ok, I'll wait (insert crickets)."
"Now let's address Bridezilla: She asked. You declined."
"Your hands. Your Talent. Your choice."
"Let her and her friends know that you did not decline just because you don't want to but for physical reasons."
"Do not feel guilty. No means no." - stinstin555
"NTA. She's no friend if she can't respect your reasons behind your refusal."
"Remember, you only need to state your position ONCE. Don't keep providing explanations to her or anyone else."
"The wedding won't collapse if you don't perform. She's being a bridezilla." - diskebbin
"Why do I think the only reason the bride 'let' the OP (who is not a bridesmaid) 'help' with wedding planning is because getting OP's free services as a pianist was the bride's end game?"
"OP, when you help someone with their wedding planning, they are not 'letting' you do it as a favor to you. They are asking you to be the one doing them the favor. And you are always entitled to say 'No' for any reason. You are also entitled to say 'No' without providing any reasons." - cat-lover76
"I used to gig clarinet for events as a teenager. I could do a 2-hour event without any issues and with plenty of music on rotation."
"It's been about 10 years since I did that though. I could not in any way play live music for an event at this point. It's been too long since I've practiced that much, memorized or familiarized myself with dozens of songs, and straight up my stamina is no longer there."
"I can't imagine how rough an event like this would be on OP's hands, since she mentioned hand or nerve issues. It would be murder on her."
"The bride should look into a local music school as a suggestion, though, as that's how I got my start!" - dreisamkatze
A few joked about how to deter the bride from thinking this was a good idea.
"Does she really want to walk down the aisle to 'Chopsticks'? Cause so many years removed from practice isn't gonna leave a ton of options on the table." - 9311chi
"NTA."
"I suppose you could always agree, put together a list of tunes within your skillset ('Mary Had a Little Lamb,' 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,' 'Chopsticks,' 'The Entertainer' (but right hand only) and ask her if these are what she had in mind."
"If she balks and demands more, point out she'll need to hire a professional or merely stream some piano tunes through her phone, no bathroom breaks or tip jars required." - JeepersCreepers74
"Play her some of that really difficult Chopin, with no prior practice." - HuggyMonster69
"I'm sure I could muster up 'Here Comes The Bride' on a kazoo if the friend wanted me to." - HokeyPokeyGuestList
The subReddit was left shaking their heads collectively over the audacity of this bride.
Live music is lovely, no question, but it should not come at the expense of a friend's health, respect for that friend, or the friendship as a whole.
The subReddit absolutely agreed that the OP was right to stand up for what she needed physically and for being concerned about not being compensated at all.
If the bride really wanted live music, she would just have to look into other options like any other bride.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.