Experts say children comprehend so much more than people tend to realize.
So why do parents spend so much time trying to hide truths from children?
It can cause so much more drama to lie than just explain things openly.
This is an especially touchy subject when discussing the LGBTQIA+ community.
How hard is love is love is love to understand?
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to babysit after my sister demanded I stop bringing my boyfriend to family events?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 20 M[ale] have been dating my B[oy]F[riend], Ryan 22 M, for about a year."
"My sister, Amanda (28 F[emale]) has a 4-year-old named Jack."
"After a family BBQ last month, Amanda pulled me aside and said, 'Hey just so you know it might be better if you don't bring Ryan to the next few family gatherings.'"
"I asked her why, and she got all awkward, saying, 'Jack's been asking questions about you and Ryan, and I don't think he's old enough to understand all that yet.'"
"I told her we weren't exactly putting on a Pride parade in her yard."
"We were literally just eating hot dogs and chatting with family. "
"She replied, 'It's just confusing for him. You know how kids are.'"
"I was mad but kept it together and said, 'If Ryan isn't welcome, maybe I just won't come either.'"
"She sighed and said I was being 'dramatic.'"
"Last week Amanda called me, panicked, because her babysitter canceled."
"I told her I couldn't because Ryan and I already had plans."
"She begged, saying she was desperate, and I finally snapped, 'Why do you want me babysitting Jack? What if I accidentally expose him to my terrifying gay lifestyle? God forbid he sees me and Ryan together.'"
"Amanda blew up."
"She accused me of using Jack to 'make a point' and said, 'This isn't about Ryan. It's about you being spiteful. You're punishing Jack cause you're mad at me.'"
"She told my parents, and that's when real drama started."
"My mum called and said I was being selfish for letting a 'small disagreement' ruin my relationship with Amanda."
"I told her it wasn't small and reminded her of Amanda's comment about 'confusing' Jack."
"Mum brushed it off, saying She's just doing what's best for her child.'"
"I said, 'What about what's best for me? Why do I have to hide part of my life to make her comfortable?'"
"My dad sided with me."
"He said Amanda was being narrow-minded and told her, 'Kids aren't confused by love; they're confused by people acting like it's something to hide.'"
"Amanda then put the drama into the fam group chat."
"My uncle said, 'It's not homophobic to want to protect your kid from topics they're not ready for. Why push it?'"
"This set off my cousin."
"She said, 'If Jack's old enough to understand that Amanda and Mike are married, then he's old enough to understand Uncle (Me) has a boyfriend.'"
"She accused Amanda of being a hypocrite and called out my Uncle too, saying, 'Let's not make this about your own outdated beliefs.'"
"She also called Amanda a 'stuck up bi**h.'"
"And my Uncle called my cousin a 'drama queen.' My aunt chimed in on the family chat saying, 'I don't agree with (Me) lifestyle, but we should still support each other.'"
"My grandmother replied, 'Support doesn't mean tolerating disrespect.'"
"Amanda's husband Mike texted me saying 'Look I don't have an issue with you or Ryan, but this is getting out of hand. Amanda is just trying to avoid awkward questions from Jack, not insult you.'"
"I told him, 'It's already insulting. Would she say the same thing if I were dating a woman?'"
"He left me on seen."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors were all over the place declaring OP was NOT the A**hole.
"It seems to me that they were putting on a show to try and keep the peace, but now that drama is occurring with your sister, they seem to be taking sides and expressing their narrow-minded beliefs."
"Cut off your family."
"Your dad, cousin, and grandmother are the only ones you need." ~ REDDIT
"Agreed. It's easier to say they're supportive when it's all 'in theory,' until you start bringing your BF around and making it all more real to them."
"I've seen it happen to many of my friends."
"They 'support your lifestyle' but don't agree with it and don't want to see it."
"NTA, OP. Your sister is a hypocrite." ~ OkJellyfish1872
"I moved back to a small town I used to live in a few years ago."
"I reconnected with a friend that I hadn't seen in years."
"Her sister is gay but took a bit to come out."
"She married a man young and had two children before she decided she was gay."
"Anyway now she's married to a woman."
"I always thought she was gay. Sometimes you just know?"
"I asked my friend about how she was doing and mentioned I saw she remarried."
"My friend said she's gay. We don't see each other much because 'I don't want that around my daughter.'"
"These were sisters that were always very close."
"I think I just looked shocked."
"That was the first and last time I saw that friend."
"Love is love." ~ bojenny
"This is the reason for this drama."
"People like to think they are open-minded, but not really."
"There is the possibility that some of them get used to it, but it doesn't mean OP should hide who he is when these people make soul searching."
"The fact is that there always be people like that,t and you just have to accept that the only person you can change is yourself."
"What is odd for me is that the sister is so worried about if she has to explain homosexuality to her kid."
"I do think there is a neutral and child-proper way to explain homosexuality."
"I mean, you don't explain heterosexuality to kids with details either, so protecting children is an excuse. NTA." ~ greatfinngal
"Your sister, uncle, and aunt are all hiding their homophobia behind your nephew."
"It's not a lifestyle choice. This is someone you're dating and in love with."
"It's also hypocritical of her to want to ban your BF but then immediately seek you out for help when the babysitter bailed."
"Go L[ow] C[ontact]. You don't need this drama." ~ PrincessCG
"And remember, she was the one who took this to the rest of your family."
"This could have just been between you two, but she's the one who escalated it."
"Also, it's not a 'lifestyle choice.'"
"It's who you are."
"The moment someone calls homosexuality a 'lifestyle choice,' you know they're people you should avoid whether they 'agree' with it or not."
"NTA. Your sister and half your family are awful." ~ EffectiveNo7681
"NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous."
"You can explain anything to a 4-year-old. You just use terms they can understand."
"Our now 7-year-old has been taught about racism, homophobia, misogyny, any kind of bigotry really, the evils of capitalism, the list goes on."
"We started very young with him, and with each year that passes, we teach him a little more to build on the foundation we already put down."
"People choose ignorance all the time, and it doesn't make it OK."
"Your sister is choosing to keep her kid shielded because of her own bigoted beliefs."
"I'd cut her off."
"I don't say that lightly — I was estranged from my parents for years because of their belief systems. It was some of the best peace I've ever known." ~ SalaciousSapphic
"NTA. If Jack is old enough to understand a man and woman being together, he's old enough to understand a man and man being together."
"I am also gay, and I would have said the same thing to my sister."
"It's disappointing that this has divided your family. It really brings out their true colors."
"I think you should go little to no contact with your sister." ~ REDDIT
OP responded...
"I haven't spoken to my sister in days now."
"I'm definitely considering going N[o] C[ontact] with her."
"Some of these comments are saying that she is using Jack as a way to hide her homophobia, and honestly, now that I think about she might be."
"What's confusing to me is that my whole family was supportive of me when I came out, and they were all so nice and respectful to Ryan when I introduced him to the family."
"I just don't know why everyone has switched up all of a sudden."
Reddit continued...
"My 3-year-old nephew told me, apropos of nothing, 'girls and boys can fall in love and sometimes girls love girls and boys love boys.'"
"I simply replied, 'That's right.'"
"End of the conversation, no one was confused."
"Clearly, he'd already been taught that by Mom and Dad."
"He was informing me, telling me a life fact, the same way he'd tell me about dinosaurs."
"He was not confused at all. Mostly because it's not really confusing."
"Unless you're homophobic. NTA."
"Some of your family are a**holes, though."
"Your dad, though, was spot on." ~ GoblinKing79
"My son was raised around his gay uncles since birth."
"I always believed it was a blessing because he never questioned it."
"They were a couple just like me and his daddy."
"Not once in 8 years has he questioned it or thought it was weird."
"I explained homophobia to him when he was 4 or 5."
"He thought THAT was weird."
"He didn't understand why people cared." ~ Longjumping-Pick-706
"I agree 100%."
"Let's be real."
"The sister is a homophobe."
"There's lots of things that kids ask questions about, and all you do as a parent is answer appropriately."
"The issue lies with Amanda and her alone."
"She is uncomfortable with her OP's sexuality, and that's the real issue."
"I feel very sorry for OP in this situation."
"He is definitely NTA."
"OP deserves a better sister." ~ PhilosophicalWarPig
"NTA. What 'awkward questions' are they talking about?"
"It's really very easy to explain to a four-year-old that grown adults can be in a relationship with each other, whether it's a man and a woman, two men, or two women."
"I know it's easy because I did that for my own child when he was little."
"Jack can totally handle your relationship with Ryan; it's the adults in your family who cannot."
"You are absolutely right to object and to not babysit if this is the attitude they are going to give you about it." ~ cascadia1979
"NTA. And yes it is that easy to tell a small child that OP and Ryan are a couple who love each other."
"They don't have to demonstrate, what they do, when they are alone, that would be inappropriate."
"I was that age when we visited my Mom's friend who was in a gay relationship."
"It took me years to realize they were more than just roommates."
"If you show the kids that gays are bad, they will treat them accordingly; if you show them that gays are just ordinary people, they will treat them accordingly." ~ BluetoothXIII
"I don't know, man; if a kid is old enough to process that men and women get together, then he's old enough to process that same-sex couples occur as well."
"Just because your sister isn't ready/doesn't want to explain it doesn't mean she's right."
"I would be side-eyeing her hard after those statements at the BBQ and going over every interaction I've had with her with a fine tooth comb, looking for other signs of homophobia."
"Is Jack in daycare?"
"What happens when there are gay parents?"
"I think being LC and not engaging with her socially (even to babysit) is a fair response to your sister. NTA." ~ Tough_Crazy_8362
"NTA... but those family group chats sound hella interesting."
"Like a soap opera!" ~ Leading_Confidence64
"Parents afraid to have discussions with their children astound me."
"Mom had an excellent opportunity to teach her kid some kindness."
"Homophobic AND immature. NTA OP."
"Your dad and cousin sound like excellent folks."
"See them outside of the rest of this mess." ~ ramboans30
"NTA- my best friend is gay; from day one, both my kids have understood that two (or more) people can fall in love."
"My kids know about boyfriends and girlfriends; they're friends and boyfriends."
"Your sister is using her kid to hide her homophobia." ~ annep1982
"NTA. Your dad and cousin said it perfectly."
"Children can understand gay relationships just as well as straight ones."
"Amanda sounds like one of those idiots who believe that children become gay if they're exposed to them." ~ UnfairEntrance159
"NTA - you have a family half full of homophobic a**holes."
"F**k those people." ~ nolan358
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your sister has a lot of soul-searching to do. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp