Whether parents are willing to admit it or not, parenting is an endlessly complicated endeavor.
One task parents will always fail at, at least to an extent, is not showing favoritism to one of their children, including when one child has special needs and another doesn't, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwaway-Song-5954 knew that her sister and brother-in-law were doing their best with their two children, including their neurodivergent son.
So when her niece was furious with her parents for allowing her younger brother to ruin one of her birthday plans, the Original Poster (OP) challenged her niece to be kind to her parents.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my 12-year-old niece to not make life any harder for her mom?"
The OP's sister and brother-in-law struggled to juggle their parenting with other obligations.
"I (40 Female) have a 12-year-old niece and an 8-year-old high-needs Neurodivergent (ND) nephew. They are my sister's kids (37 Female)."
"My niece's birthday was yesterday, and she has cupcakes ready to bring to her class."
"My nephew doesn't sleep well at all, and both his parents are up with him a lot of the night and very sleep-deprived."
Their situation recently impacted the OP's niece's birthday.
"My nephew snuck downstairs yesterday morning before everyone was up and ate most of the cupcakes (his parents forgot to lock the cabinet; as I said, they're very sleep deprived). BIL works about 60 hours a week as a physician, and my sister is a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom)."
"My niece called me from her cell (we're very close, and I only live five miles away), sounding hysterical, and I could also hear my nephew having a meltdown in the background and his parents trying to calm him down."
"She was understandably upset because it was her birthday, and she was supposed to be bringing cupcakes to the class."
"Neither of her parents would be able to replace the cupcakes on time as my sister had to take my nephew to a doctor's appointment (they would've been there a number of hours) and her dad had several surgeries lined up that day, and couldn't get out of work."
"We also live in a rural area that doesn't have UberEATS or DoorDash."
The OP came up with a quick solution to help her niece.
"My partner (42 Female) owns the local bakery and was able to go in early to make impromptu cupcakes for my niece, and my partner would deliver them to her school (I too couldn't get out of work)."
"So I told my niece not to worry and that I would take care of it, but to please lay off her parents. I explained that their lives are hard enough with her brother being the way he is and that she shouldn't make things any more difficult for them because they're so burnt out and overwhelmed."
This advice raised concerns among the family.
"She got angry with me because she said her parents were 'careless' in forgetting to lock the cabinet."
"I told her it was an honest mistake that anyone could make."
"My partner thinks I shouldn't have said that because she's just a child."
"This is true, but her parents are literally hanging by a thread, and I'm trying to help the only way I know how."
"Her parents thanked us profusely for coming to the rescue with her cupcakes and offered to pay, but we declined, saying it was on the house."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes here
Some thought the OP was right to assist her niece with baked goods and advice.
"NTA."
"In your niece's defense, she's 12. She's a child on the verge of plunging into hormone soup."
"But it's important to tell kids to cool it when they start acting like little turds. She called her parents 'careless.' Why doesn't she bake her own cupcakes next time and store them under her bed for safety?"
"Entitled children grow up to be entitled adults. Don't hold this against her, and do something nice with her that doesn't involve her brother. But when she needs to be put in her place, put her in her place." - TheOtherMrEd
"NTA, you helped her replace the cupcakes, and as long as you were kind and didn't dig into her too hard, it isn't the end of the world to try to help be a moral compass for a tweenager/teen."
"I remember adults in my teenage life gently letting me know when I was being unreasonable, and I appreciate it (often I didn't realize how much of a jerk I was being)."
"I get that others are saying that siblings of special needs kids are usually overlooked. I've noticed it to be true, so continue to be a supportive aunt, but if she is being out of line or rude, continue to let her know and move on gently." - Electrical_Storage81
"NTA. The only thing you're guilty of is asking her to be forgiving of her parents' mistake. You did not punish her, did not scold her for being mad at her parents, and it seems like you simply asked her to be considerate of them."
"Now, she IS completely valid in being upset, especially considering she's probably been overlooked most of her life due to her family circumstances, but I don't think you're an a**hole for asking for her forgiveness on her parents' behalf."
"You went above and beyond in making sure her birthday was good despite the complications, and I don't think you're automatically an a**hole for your one comment." - Additional_Win3920
"NTA. Unless you were mean about it, all you did was tell a kid something they were DEFINITELY old enough to hear. She's a kid, yeah, but 12 is old enough to understand, or learn, about burdens and responsibilities, etc."
"When I was 12, I understood that my parents were broke and unhappy. I figured it out through context and being told things. Like that we couldn't afford that new Barbie I wanted. And it was IMPORTANT for me to understand. Because my younger sister, at age 9, actually WAS too young to really understand, and I could tell it broke my dad's heart to tell us no when we wanted something, especially when it wasn't very expensive."
"By knowing I, at least, could stop asking for things I didn't need. I could gently dissuade my sister from asking for the more expensive option, like, 'Yeah, that one is super cool, but this [less expensive] one is even better because…' Doing that wasn't my responsibility as a child, but it was an important part of growing up and becoming an empathetic person."
"The point is that age 12 is old enough to understand that her parents aren't perfect, that her brother didn't mean to upset her, and being mad and laying into them (which I'm guessing based on the context happened) doesn't help."
"Of course, no one should expect her just to flip a switch and suddenly not be mad or upset about it, but often (as much as we just want someone to validate us), we NEED the reminder that while like sucks, people are not vindictively going out of their way to make it suck (well… not in this case anyway). You gave her a gentle reminder that s**t happens."
"Her brother is gonna keep being high needs, her parents will still be burned out, and the only one who can make her feel better about the difficulties involved in all that, in the end, is gonna be her. Which sucks, but that's life. Sometimes the easiest way to not be mad about something is to realize it's not worth it and CHOSE not to be mad. You've given her the information she needs to make that choice." - Immutable_Whimsy
"NTA, but also not great."
"Yes, you saved the day in the matter of the cupcakes, but I can tell you for sure this is not the first time your niece has felt like she is being let down by her parents."
"I speak as a parent who has two kids, one of whom has severe ADHD. This called for a lot of our attention during the early when his older sister often felt neglected. As much as she would say she understood or that it was not a big deal, there were times it got her. While we, as her parents, did the best we could, we know it was not enough."
"Same here with your niece. She needs to be the center of attention at times too. She needs to feel like she is not pushed aside because her brother needs this or that."
"Just try to be there for her, maybe take on your nephew when you can to let her parents focus on her. It's always a hard situation to be an older sibling to someone who is ND." - evilcj192
But others found the OP's advice to be incredibly problematic for her niece.
"YTA."
"My experience is that when a high-needs child eats up all of the energy and time and attention, the other child is told to stuff their feelings down at that age, and it emerges somewhere else in life. For a couple of my students, it ended very, very badly."
"Her feelings are valid. She's too young to get over it for her parents like an adult. I agree with your partner."
"I don't know what the 'high needs' are, but you might cover for the parents sometime so they can sleep. Help them find a respite caregiver, take the niece out away from the chaos." - Littlebriggan
"YTA. This girl has not been her parents' priority for eight years now and likely won't ever be again. She's lost so much of her childhood as the sibling of a high-needs ND kid. And now you, too, are expecting her to parent her parents?"
"I feel for her parents, I do, but it's not their pre-teen's job to soothe their egos when she has to suffer in silence." - Elle_Vetica
"YTA. She is 12, a child. She is reacting as a child would. She was not trying to make anyone's life more difficult, and that's not an appropriate thing to say."
"Children's brains are not as developed as ours. This was not her fault. You need to speak to her in a way appropriate for her age. Her parents being burnt out is on them, not the child." - JMarie113
"YTA. You basically told your niece to suck it up and that her feelings don't matter. Having a high-needs ND brother means she's spent most of her life having to suck it up and get less attention, less care, less consideration, and less of a 'right' to have a normal childhood because of him."
"It's not his fault, it's not her parents' fault, but it doesn't soothe the emotional angst of a young girl who just had her birthday ruined because, yes, her parents were careless, because they were understandably tired."
"They need support. But not from a 12-year-old child. She didn't need a lecture or a reprimand. She needed someone on her side to put her feelings and emotions as a priority and acknowledge HER. It was nice y'all got her new cupcakes... but the cupcakes debacle wasn't really about the cupcakes." - Tizzery
"It's really hard. You don't intentionally neglect your neurotypical kids. It's just that the ND kid requires so much time and attention. My husband and I work really hard to try and make sure we still spend quality time with my stepsons, and I take on a lot more work for our ND daughter during the days that his sons are with us so that he can spend more quality time with them."
"It's exhausting, and we're drowning most of the time. We have been blessed with an opportunity to take our daughter to a summer camp specifically for special needs children at the beach this summer so we can spend the days on the beach with our boys while our daughter is at camp, and then she'll join us for family time in the evenings."
"But camps that can handle special needs kids are very expensive. This one will cost $2,500 for a week (we were able to get state funding but otherwise would not be able to afford it), so it's not an option for everyone. Additionally, there is a 2-year waitlist for respite through ID services in my state. So parents who don't have a village may really be struggling from lack of resources."
"Nonetheless, YTA because your niece's feelings are valid and she needed to be validated at that moment, not to be told to hide her feelings and suck it up." - Comprehensive-Sea-63
The subReddit could understand that this was hardly a simple situation with an easy, straightforward answer, but they were still deeply divided over how the OP handled the situation.
While some could understand the OP's approach, others were concerned about the message she was sending to her niece, who likely was already being held to higher standards.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp