The phrase just a friend when it comes to relationships is something one partner will say to the other about a friend—or sometimes someone who’s secretly more than a friend.
But it’s unusual when someone introduces their significant other as just a friend. There’s gotta be a story there…
A young man wondering why his girlfriend used that label when turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Sozphiacontent7 asked:
“AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend after she lied about her ex?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (22, male) have been with my girlfriend Sarah (27, female) for about 8 months now. When we first started dating, she told me she had only been in two serious relationships before and that her last ex was ‘ancient history’ and they hadn’t spoken in over a year.”
“Everything was going great until last weekend when we went to her friend’s birthday party. This guy shows up and Sarah immediately gets weird.
“She introduces me to him as just ‘my friend’ which was already strange since we’ve been together for 8 months and she introduces me as her boyfriend to literally everyone else.”
“Later, I see them talking in the corner and he’s touching her arm and she’s laughing way too hard at whatever he’s saying. When I went over to join them, Sarah looked super uncomfortable and the guy just walked away. I asked who he was and she said just an old friend from college.”
“But then her friend Emma came up to me later and said something about how weird it must be for me to meet ‘the ex that got away’. I was confused and asked what she meant.”
“Emma looked shocked and said she thought I knew that was Jake, Sarah’s ex-boyfriend of three years who she was ‘obsessed with’ and only broke up with 6 months before we started dating.”
“I confronted Sarah about it the next day. She broke down crying and admitted that Jake was her ex and that they had actually been texting on and off this whole time.”
“She said she lied because she didn’t want me to feel insecure and that nothing physical happened, but they had been ‘staying in touch as friends’.”
“I felt completely betrayed. Not only did she lie about when their relationship ended, but she’s been texting him our entire relationship and then introduced me as just a friend when he showed up.”
“She swore nothing happened and that she chose me over him, but I don’t believe her anymore.”
“When I told her I needed time to think, she started crying and saying I was overreacting. She said lots of people stay friends with their exes and that she was just trying to protect my feelings by not telling me about the texting.”
“Her friends have been messaging me saying I’m being too harsh and that she made a mistake, but really loves me.”
“My friends are split. Some say once a liar always a liar and I should run. Others think maybe she really was just trying to protect me and I should give her another chance.”
“But I keep thinking about how she introduced me as ‘just a friend’ to her ex. That felt like she was keeping her options open or something.”
“And the fact that she’s been texting him behind my back for months makes me wonder what else she might be hiding.”
“I told her yesterday that I was done and she needs to get her stuff from my apartment. Now she’s been calling and texting nonstop saying she’ll do anything to fix this and that I’m the best thing that ever happened to her.”
“AITAH for ending things over this?”
“Should I give her another chance since nothing physical happened?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was unanimous in their decision that this relationship isn’t a relationship—it’s a placeholder.
“Any other other other stuff COULD get a pass. Talking to and texting her ex and keeping it friendly.”
“When you’re first in a relationship, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that you would say your last one was farther in the past than it was, because some people get weird about you going into another relationship too soon.”
“So even though I don’t condone lying, I understand why someone would fudge a little on that. Then later it would be really awkward to come clean about it.”
“But the clincher would be that she did not introduce you as her boyfriend. That put the nail in the coffin right there.”
“If you were really the best thing that ever happened to her, not only would she be proud to immediately introduce you as her boyfriend, but she would not be flirty with an ex if that were really true.”
“I know some people really really want to give their boyfriend/girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and try to work it out.”
“If you decide you want to find a way to still be with her, but you need to figure out a way to trust her now – then this is what you do.”
“Either have her, come over or go see her face-to-face but do not give her any warning of what you’re about to do.”
“Once you’re talking to her and she keeps saying it was nothing and just friendly. Blah, blah, blah…tell her,”
“‘You have one chance, and one chance only, for this to not be our final goodbye. Unlock your phone right now and let me read the text thread between you guys. This is not up for negotiation, and there will be no future chances to make this right’.”
“If she refuses, no matter what her excuse, walk away.”
“If she unlocks her phone and hands it to you immediately and you read through to find that the messages were just friendly, then you have a possible way forward, depending on what was said and the tone.” ~ Klutzy_Mobile8306
“Her introducing you to everyone else as her boyfriend, but to Jake as ‘my friend’ says all you need to know. You’re her boyfriend to everyone else, but if Jake is interested in her, then you’re nothing but a friend.”
“She’s already made her decision, she’s just waiting for Jake to make his. Don’t wait around as her plan B. You will always be a placeholder until she finds someone she thinks is better.” ~ danwantstoquit
“You have learned 2 somewhat concerning and 2 very concerning things during this party. Do not ignore them.”
“1) lied about when she broke up unnecessary, but on its I wouldnt say is a deal breaker 2) has been texting with her ex while dating OP, on its own only somewhat concerning…except…”
“3) did not tell OP she was in contact with her ex, and the chances of having lied during this secret keeping is high, which is a big deal and very concerning. which leaves us to the most damning 4) introduced OP as just a friend to her ex.”
“I can only interpret that as her not wanting him to know she’s in a relationship so she’d think she was available to him.”
“She might not be willing to admit it. But she has made her choice and it is not OP. Op stting her free to go back to her ex was the only reasonable choice. Now OP can go someone who is fully committed to the relationship they are in.” ~ Satan_von_Kitty
“You missed number 5) seemingly found a quiet corner at the party where they could be a bit touchy-feely as they talked.”
“Whenever someone does this and tries to act as though you’re overreacting, the best thing to do is get them to think how they’d react if you were acting just as shady as they were. I guarantee they’d go crazy, especially because they’d assume your intentions behind your actions are the same as theirs.”
“OP is NTA. She needs to sort out her shit and stop being her ex’s backup whilst intending to keep other guys as a placeholder until her ex cuts her loose or takes her back.”
“If he was interested in getting back with her, then OP wouldn’t even be in the picture. She’s killing her own love life by holding onto the ex.” ~ Inane_Insanity
“She’d ditch him in a second if the ex was interested. Don’t go back, you’re her 2nd choice. Find someone better.” ~ Realistic-Duty-3874
“You should never be someone’s afterthought or alternative, you deserve better. Find someone who would value and put you first. NTA.” ~ xTwinkleSnow
“It’s clear she’s not over him. Given the chance, I think she’d be back with him in a heartbeat. Why feel like the backup plan? NTA.” ~ mca2021
“NTA. Did you agree to be in a throuple? Because if she’s been texting him the whole relationship, she isn’t respecting you two as a couple.”
“Also, she introduced you as a friend? So she wants him to think he has a chance still.”
“And the fact her friends say he is the one who got away… You need to run.” ~ Witty_Spell_2342
No one held out much hope for this relationship.
If the OP takes the internet’s advice, he’ll keep his second chances for people who haven’t lied to him and themselves about their relationship with their ex.