The phrase just a friend when it comes to relationships is something one partner will say to the other about a friend—or sometimes someone who's secretly more than a friend.
But it's unusual when someone introduces their significant other as just a friend. There's gotta be a story there...
A young man wondering why his girlfriend used that label when turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Sozphiacontent7 asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend after she lied about her ex?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, male) have been with my girlfriend Sarah (27, female) for about 8 months now. When we first started dating, she told me she had only been in two serious relationships before and that her last ex was 'ancient history' and they hadn't spoken in over a year."
"Everything was going great until last weekend when we went to her friend's birthday party. This guy shows up and Sarah immediately gets weird.
"She introduces me to him as just 'my friend' which was already strange since we've been together for 8 months and she introduces me as her boyfriend to literally everyone else."
"Later, I see them talking in the corner and he's touching her arm and she's laughing way too hard at whatever he's saying. When I went over to join them, Sarah looked super uncomfortable and the guy just walked away. I asked who he was and she said just an old friend from college."
"But then her friend Emma came up to me later and said something about how weird it must be for me to meet 'the ex that got away'. I was confused and asked what she meant."
"Emma looked shocked and said she thought I knew that was Jake, Sarah's ex-boyfriend of three years who she was 'obsessed with' and only broke up with 6 months before we started dating."
"I confronted Sarah about it the next day. She broke down crying and admitted that Jake was her ex and that they had actually been texting on and off this whole time."
"She said she lied because she didn't want me to feel insecure and that nothing physical happened, but they had been 'staying in touch as friends'."
"I felt completely betrayed. Not only did she lie about when their relationship ended, but she's been texting him our entire relationship and then introduced me as just a friend when he showed up."
"She swore nothing happened and that she chose me over him, but I don't believe her anymore."
"When I told her I needed time to think, she started crying and saying I was overreacting. She said lots of people stay friends with their exes and that she was just trying to protect my feelings by not telling me about the texting."
"Her friends have been messaging me saying I'm being too harsh and that she made a mistake, but really loves me."
"My friends are split. Some say once a liar always a liar and I should run. Others think maybe she really was just trying to protect me and I should give her another chance."
"But I keep thinking about how she introduced me as 'just a friend' to her ex. That felt like she was keeping her options open or something."
"And the fact that she's been texting him behind my back for months makes me wonder what else she might be hiding."
"I told her yesterday that I was done and she needs to get her stuff from my apartment. Now she's been calling and texting nonstop saying she'll do anything to fix this and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her."
"AITAH for ending things over this?"
"Should I give her another chance since nothing physical happened?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was unanimous in their decision that this relationship isn't a relationship—it's a placeholder.
"Any other other other stuff COULD get a pass. Talking to and texting her ex and keeping it friendly."
"When you're first in a relationship, it's not out of the realm of possibility that you would say your last one was farther in the past than it was, because some people get weird about you going into another relationship too soon."
"So even though I don't condone lying, I understand why someone would fudge a little on that. Then later it would be really awkward to come clean about it."
"But the clincher would be that she did not introduce you as her boyfriend. That put the nail in the coffin right there."
"If you were really the best thing that ever happened to her, not only would she be proud to immediately introduce you as her boyfriend, but she would not be flirty with an ex if that were really true."
"I know some people really really want to give their boyfriend/girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and try to work it out."
"If you decide you want to find a way to still be with her, but you need to figure out a way to trust her now - then this is what you do."
"Either have her, come over or go see her face-to-face but do not give her any warning of what you're about to do."
"Once you're talking to her and she keeps saying it was nothing and just friendly. Blah, blah, blah...tell her,"
"'You have one chance, and one chance only, for this to not be our final goodbye. Unlock your phone right now and let me read the text thread between you guys. This is not up for negotiation, and there will be no future chances to make this right'."
"If she refuses, no matter what her excuse, walk away."
"If she unlocks her phone and hands it to you immediately and you read through to find that the messages were just friendly, then you have a possible way forward, depending on what was said and the tone." ~ Klutzy_Mobile8306
"Her introducing you to everyone else as her boyfriend, but to Jake as 'my friend' says all you need to know. You're her boyfriend to everyone else, but if Jake is interested in her, then you're nothing but a friend."
"She's already made her decision, she's just waiting for Jake to make his. Don't wait around as her plan B. You will always be a placeholder until she finds someone she thinks is better." ~ danwantstoquit
"You have learned 2 somewhat concerning and 2 very concerning things during this party. Do not ignore them."
"1) lied about when she broke up unnecessary, but on its I wouldnt say is a deal breaker 2) has been texting with her ex while dating OP, on its own only somewhat concerning...except..."
"3) did not tell OP she was in contact with her ex, and the chances of having lied during this secret keeping is high, which is a big deal and very concerning. which leaves us to the most damning 4) introduced OP as just a friend to her ex."
"I can only interpret that as her not wanting him to know she's in a relationship so she'd think she was available to him."
"She might not be willing to admit it. But she has made her choice and it is not OP. Op stting her free to go back to her ex was the only reasonable choice. Now OP can go someone who is fully committed to the relationship they are in." ~ Satan_von_Kitty
"You missed number 5) seemingly found a quiet corner at the party where they could be a bit touchy-feely as they talked."
"Whenever someone does this and tries to act as though you're overreacting, the best thing to do is get them to think how they'd react if you were acting just as shady as they were. I guarantee they'd go crazy, especially because they'd assume your intentions behind your actions are the same as theirs."
"OP is NTA. She needs to sort out her shit and stop being her ex's backup whilst intending to keep other guys as a placeholder until her ex cuts her loose or takes her back."
"If he was interested in getting back with her, then OP wouldn't even be in the picture. She's killing her own love life by holding onto the ex." ~ Inane_Insanity
"She'd ditch him in a second if the ex was interested. Don't go back, you're her 2nd choice. Find someone better." ~ Realistic-Duty-3874
"You should never be someone's afterthought or alternative, you deserve better. Find someone who would value and put you first. NTA." ~ xTwinkleSnow
"It's clear she's not over him. Given the chance, I think she'd be back with him in a heartbeat. Why feel like the backup plan? NTA." ~ mca2021
"NTA. Did you agree to be in a throuple? Because if she's been texting him the whole relationship, she isn't respecting you two as a couple."
"Also, she introduced you as a friend? So she wants him to think he has a chance still."
"And the fact her friends say he is the one who got away… You need to run." ~ Witty_Spell_2342
No one held out much hope for this relationship.
If the OP takes the internet's advice, he'll keep his second chances for people who haven't lied to him and themselves about their relationship with their ex.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.