It's always a big step when we visit the home of our new significant other for the first time.
For one thing, it means that our relationship has reached a new level of trust.
Once we do cross that threshold, we begin to learn things about our partners that we might not have known before.
Things that could forever change how we view them.
Not always for the better.
Redditor Substantial_Cause885 recently paid his first visit to his girlfriend's room.
A room that was not entirely what the original poster (OP) expected, and he told his girlfriend as much fairly bluntly.
Something that did not go over well with his girlfriend at all.
Having some doubts about how he handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend her room is disgusting?"
The OP explained why his knee-jerk response to his girlfriend's room did not go over well:
"My (18 M[ale]) girlfriend (16 F[emale], let's call her Elena) recently showed me her room."
"We always go out or to my house, never hers, so I had no idea it was that bad."
"There's trash everywhere, fruit flies, clothes everywhere (no floor in sight), and leftover food and candy."
"Her bathroom isn't any better; there's no counter space, and the same issues as the bedroom. It was pretty shocking, because Elena is very well put together."
"She's like the complete opposite of her room."
"I kind of felt like I should be honest with her, and I told her that she shouldn't be living like that because it's frankly disgusting and we need to fix it."
"She got really upset and told me to get out, and she's been ignoring me (since last night)."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling Elena her room was "disgusting."
There were many, however, who sympathized with Elena, feeling that her messy room might have been an indication of a bigger problem, which the OP should have been more sympathetic towards:
"NAH, but not for the reason you probably think."
"Your age is the important factor here."
"Look, you are young."
"You have never been confronted with the dark side of a mental illness before."
"Because this is what this is."
"The particular illness doesn’t really matter, because this is a sign of several."
"Because you’re young, you don’t know 1) how much it took for her to allow you into her space and 2) how to respond with empathy instead of disgust."
"She is not unaware of how it looks."
"She put herself out there to show you an important, if unpleasant, part of her life, and you responded with disgust."
"She is internalizing that as you calling her disgusting."
"Even if you did not, and you only meant the space, this is how your comments were received."
"It’s a betrayal for her - she was vulnerable, and you were (unintentionally perhaps) cruel."
"Can you recover from this?"
"Maybe."
"If she ever talks to you again, you need to lead with empathy and understanding, and you need to make it clear that none of this is a reflection on her character or who she is as a person."
"It’s just a symptom that she may need help to overcome."
"But on the other hand, if she feels the betrayal is too much to overcome, then you need to let her go and never mention her living conditions to anyone except her parents and maybe a school counselor."- innocentsalad
"I'm going to be generous to you and say NAH."
"A room doesn't get to that level without something much deeper going on, like undiagnosed ADHD or extreme stress or neglect by family (or a combination of multiple things)."
"She hasn't been supported in a way that she can learn how to keep her stuff in order, and she probably feels insecure about it."
"You're not an a**hole for thinking she deserves to live in a clean space (though you might be an a**hole depending on your tone and word choice during that conversation, especially if it was judgy) and she's not an a**hole for having a problem."
"You likely both didn't handle it perfectly because you're teenagers."- proletergeist
Others, however, felt this was information Elena needed to hear, even if they, too, agreed that there might be more going on than the OP realized, and he could have handled things a bit more delicately.
"NTA."
"But given that she's only 16, I wonder if it's also bad parenting."
"Offer to clean it with her and praise her for the great job."
"See if she reverts back to the same unclean state and then decide if this is a deal breaker for you."- vanibanz
"NTA."
"Probably could have been softer and more soft with the delivery, but NTA."- Gt03champp
"NTA for pointing out that her room could be cleaner, but maybe it could've been worded a bit nicer so that she didn't feel like she was being attacked."- munchkin1977
"I know everyone is trying to be very kind and understanding, but OP is 18 and still in school."
"It doesn't really matter why his girlfriend lives in filth; he's too young to have to deal with that."
"It could be mental health, it could be absent parents who've never taught her how to care for her space, it could just be that she's still quite immature and doesn't see the yuck because she's used to it."
"Doesn't matter."
"He's 18, and this is not his responsibility to fix."
"And it would be a hard line for many people to not date someone who lives in filth, so he's NTA for stating very clearly that it's unacceptable, and now she needs to decide if she's mature enough to resolve the issue or if her fruit flies and filth are more important to her."- BarelyHolding0n
"NTA."
"Controversial opinion, apparently, but that's no condition to live in."
"I think it was in your right to tell her your honest thoughts."
"She can take offense to it if she wants, but that doesn't change the fact that NOT SEEING YOUR FLOOR and having insects in your room is an issue."
"Maybe she is aware of it and embarrassed, maybe you could have said it in a nicer way, maybe it's depression, but either way, I think this will have to be addressed sooner or later."
"This will be important if you two are ever planning on living together in the future."
"Maybe offer her to clean up together?"- 0Yasmin0
"NTA."
"So many in here claiming this is some sort of depression or mental illness."
"Leaving out the more likely scenario that her family never taught or enforced cleanliness in her room."
"She is 16, and her parents should be teaching her how to maintain her environment."
"This is a life lesson, too."
"Could there be depression?"
"Possibly, but that’s a rush to diagnosis that no one in this thread has the information enough to say."
"Even if it is from depression."
"It’s still a situation that needs to be confronted, and if she needs help cleaning, help her."- LatvarianLegend
"NTA."
"Even if she is having issues, you’re too young to be dealing with that."- retiredtumblrgoth
"NTA."
"Also she’s 16, not 6."
"All the commenters are wild for acting like depression somehow makes you blind."
"She knows it’s a problem, but most likely doesn’t know how to tackle it due to the depression."
"Maybe offer to help her clean it."
"She probably just felt offended by your reaction and is not used to someone being blunt and straightforward about it."
"Or someone has had a similar reaction before, and it brought up that painful memory for her."
"However, if this is a hoarding issue."
"This is well beyond you being able to help."
"She will need to seek therapy."
"If her parents are hoarders, it’s often why the child becomes one."
"If she’s had some kind of great loss, etc."
"Hoarding is hard to break."
"Either way, at least you care enough not to just leave, but you don’t have to force yourself to be in that environment either."
"Maybe just stay with going to your place until she wants the help to change how she lives."- NotAFriendlyKitty
"NTA."
"I couldn't be in a room with old leftover food and flies it is disgusting. Imagine chillin right next to rotting food and flies."- dayvon2
If Elena's room is the disaster area the OP claims it is, one imagines they might have trouble controlling their reaction upon seeing it. That being said, there are very few people who are messy for the sake of being messy.
And perhaps instead of labeling her room as disgusting, the OP could have offered to help clean it up?
An offer that could have potentially led to the root of the problem.
