Everyone has at least a few boundaries for what they consider acceptable in a relationship, and most people would agree that having a sleepover with an ex-partner is crossing a line.
Add in an already rocky relationship and the sleepover taking place in another state, and that seems like a total deal breaker, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor steelyweird had only recently gotten back together with his girlfriend and had agreed to work on their relationship when she mentioned that she wanted to have a sleepover in another state with her ex.
When she insisted that it was happening and that he was insecure to assume there'd be cheating involved, the Original Poster (OP) decided this wasn't a relationship worth having.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by dumping my girlfriend because she wants to 'hang out' at an ex's house overnight?"
The OP and his girlfriend's relationship got off to a rocky start.
"My girlfriend (27 Female) and I (27 Male) were dating for a couple of years, and we mutually decided that we needed a break, for reasons which I don't think are relevant."
"We agreed that if either of us decided to see anyone else during our break, it was okay."
"We were broken up for about six months. During that time, both of us ended up having other partners. Mine were very casual and short-term, but she ended up actually dating someone and developing a sort of fling with this person."
They soon decided to give their relationship another chance.
"Fast forward to us getting back together. She went to tell her new partner that they couldn't date anymore, so that was great."
"So we were back to dating (one of the conditions of us being back together is that we are MONOGAMOUS) for about a week, and then she decided to tell me that she was going to go spend the night at her ex's (the recent fling's) house."
"I told her I was not uncomfortable with that, being as we have just started dating again, and our relationship was still in a vulnerable period."
"She seemed offended by my use of the word vulnerable, and asked, 'What makes our relationship so vulnerable to you?'"
"I explained that we just started dating again after six months, and we should really be more focused on rebuilding our relationship than spending nights at our ex's houses."
"An argument ensued, and she wouldn't budge; she is very set on having this sleepover."
"The idea of it gives me the major ick, and I don't know why, but especially the fact that this person lives in a different city bothers me."
The OP decided it wasn't worth it.
"So I bluntly stated, 'I think that we need to break up.'"
"She started to sob inconsolably, like literally wailing so loudly that I could hear her throughout the entire house while I packed my things. After I packed, I just left."
"We have barely spoken since this breakup. I would like to add that I do care very deeply for this person and at one point imagined us spending our lives together, but this was a dealbreaker for me."
"The days following the breakup, I was a total wreck and was seriously regretting my decision, but logically, I think I made the right choice."
"Was my decision too hasty? Too emotional? I really don't know at this point."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he made the right choice.
"NOR. Let me tell you something, you may care very deeply for this person, but those feelings are not mutual."
"If they were, she wouldn't have even entertained the idea of spending the night at a very recent ex's house. Like... in what way would that make sense to her? You made the right decision." - qbee198505
"You'll be fine in time. Just keep doing you one day at a time. Once you take a break its pretty much over already, and you learned that." - yeoduq
"NOR. She wanted you both. Or wanted you 60% vs him 40%. So don't feel bad, like that she wanted him over you. She just thought she could get away with having both. You made the right call, easy." - AdditionalPurpose473
"NOR. Nobody would even consider doing that unless they're not all in with you."
"You made the right decision, and you'll be better off for it. May really suck right now, but give it time." - Right_Wrangler_9179
"I think you dodged a bullet here; sorry you're hurting, though. It will get better, and hopefully you'll find someone more on your level with compatible boundaries and stuff."
"I can think of no other reason to spend the night at an ex-lover's house that doesn't involve sex, so I really don't know what she was thinking. I doubt she would have been fine with you spending the night with one of your ex-lovers, am I right?"
"Take the time to heal, let her go, and go find someone better for you." - shannonkiss
Others continued to reassure the OP and also questioned the ex-girlfriend's logic.
"NOR, I don't get why she wanted to stay the night at the ex's so bad if this was meant to be monogamous. Did you cheat on her before the break? Is that why you had a break?"
"I think you were right to end the relationship; relationships that need six-month-long breaks just need to be over." - Mission_Armadillo884
"She was going to cheat with the guy. There's no other plausible reason to go spend the night at his place, especially since she's f**ked him before."
"Did she still go see the guy after everything? Is she remorseful or fighting hard to get back with you?" - rocketmn69
"Plot twist... she's actually cheating on the other guy with OP."
"Could be they never actually broke up and he was starting to get suspicious about why she wouldn't stay the night with her boyfriend." - MasterShake807
"She probably convinced herself she wasn't going to cheat. But she probably would have."
"But even if she didn't end up cheating, it is still wildly, wildly inappropriate and disrespectful to you to even consider doing this. Let alone get upset with you when you say you're not comfortable. You have grounds for a breakup even if she asked and was ok with you saying no. It's ridiculous." - AdditionalPurpose473
"Take the sign. Never go back to her, because she will never put you first. Ever."
"Move on and find someone who will actually prioritize your relationship, that's complete bulls**t, and her attitude is a red flag so big it can be seen from space." - Electrical_Sun_7116
"Keep her blocked. If anyone comes after you saying that you're an a-hole for breaking up, tell them, 'She told me that she was going to go and f**k her boyfriend, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. She was right, I'm not stopping her. She made a decision for herself, and I made a decision for myself. Thank you for your concern.'" - rocketmn69
"I'm sorry, but I'm very confused as to why she would think this was ok. And I'm confused as to why this would be okay with you later, based on your qualification that right now the relationship is vulnerable. And why did you feel the need to specify that you would be monogamous?"
"I'm getting a strong sense that there's more to this than you are letting on. Like, you might have been polyamorous before?"
"The rationale of everything here just isn't making any sense in the context of a normal, monogamous relationship. This is coming from someone who is part of the ENM community and is close with a lot of polyamorous people." - zerok_nyc
"You made the right call. She's keeping her options open… and that isn't a monogamous relationship. It may suck, but she sounds extremely selfish and entitled and is pushing your boundaries. Stand on business…"
"Like, do we even know she ended things with him, or did she just SAYYY she did? She says she is going over to tell him they can't date anymore, and what actually happens is more of what they have been doing."
"It sort of sounds like she couldn't make a decision and was hoping to keep both things going until such a time she could decide. If so, good for you for making the decision for her. Now she has to go to the other guy and convince him that he was the one all along (which will probably work)." - Individual-Tip-2063
As much as it might hurt right now for the relationship to be over, for a second time, it sounded like this was really for the best, for the OP and for his ex-girlfriend.
It's unclear whether they were monogamous during their first relationship or whether they decided to end it during their second attempt, hoping that doing so would improve their chances.
But a closed relationship only works if everyone involved considers it to be closed.
Making plans with your ex for a questionable weekend away?
Not exactly acting like a monogamous partner.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.