Everyone has at least a few boundaries for what they consider acceptable in a relationship, and most people would agree that having a sleepover with an ex-partner is crossing a line.
Add in an already rocky relationship and the sleepover taking place in another state, and that seems like a total deal breaker, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor steelyweird had only recently gotten back together with his girlfriend and had agreed to work on their relationship when she mentioned that she wanted to have a sleepover in another state with her ex.
When she insisted that it was happening and that he was insecure to assume there'd be cheating involved, the Original Poster (OP) decided this wasn't a relationship worth having.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by dumping my girlfriend because she wants to 'hang out' at an ex's house overnight?"
The OP and his girlfriend's relationship got off to a rocky start.
"My girlfriend (27 Female) and I (27 Male) were dating for a couple of years, and we mutually decided that we needed a break, for reasons which I don't think are relevant."
"We agreed that if either of us decided to see anyone else during our break, it was okay."
"We were broken up for about six months. During that time, both of us ended up having other partners. Mine were very casual and short-term, but she ended up actually dating someone and developing a sort of fling with this person."
They soon decided to give their relationship another chance.
"Fast forward to us getting back together. She went to tell her new partner that they couldn't date anymore, so that was great."
"So we were back to dating (one of the conditions of us being back together is that we are MONOGAMOUS) for about a week, and then she decided to tell me that she was going to go spend the night at her ex's (the recent fling's) house."
"I told her I was not uncomfortable with that, being as we have just started dating again, and our relationship was still in a vulnerable period."
"She seemed offended by my use of the word vulnerable, and asked, 'What makes our relationship so vulnerable to you?'"
"I explained that we just started dating again after six months, and we should really be more focused on rebuilding our relationship than spending nights at our ex's houses."
"An argument ensued, and she wouldn't budge; she is very set on having this sleepover."
"The idea of it gives me the major ick, and I don't know why, but especially the fact that this person lives in a different city bothers me."
The OP decided it wasn't worth it.
"So I bluntly stated, 'I think that we need to break up.'"
"She started to sob inconsolably, like literally wailing so loudly that I could hear her throughout the entire house while I packed my things. After I packed, I just left."
"We have barely spoken since this breakup. I would like to add that I do care very deeply for this person and at one point imagined us spending our lives together, but this was a dealbreaker for me."
"The days following the breakup, I was a total wreck and was seriously regretting my decision, but logically, I think I made the right choice."
"Was my decision too hasty? Too emotional? I really don't know at this point."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he made the right choice.
"NOR. Let me tell you something, you may care very deeply for this person, but those feelings are not mutual."
"If they were, she wouldn't have even entertained the idea of spending the night at a very recent ex's house. Like... in what way would that make sense to her? You made the right decision." - qbee198505
"You'll be fine in time. Just keep doing you one day at a time. Once you take a break its pretty much over already, and you learned that." - yeoduq
"NOR. She wanted you both. Or wanted you 60% vs him 40%. So don't feel bad, like that she wanted him over you. She just thought she could get away with having both. You made the right call, easy." - AdditionalPurpose473
"NOR. Nobody would even consider doing that unless they're not all in with you."
"You made the right decision, and you'll be better off for it. May really suck right now, but give it time." - Right_Wrangler_9179
"I think you dodged a bullet here; sorry you're hurting, though. It will get better, and hopefully you'll find someone more on your level with compatible boundaries and stuff."
"I can think of no other reason to spend the night at an ex-lover's house that doesn't involve sex, so I really don't know what she was thinking. I doubt she would have been fine with you spending the night with one of your ex-lovers, am I right?"
"Take the time to heal, let her go, and go find someone better for you." - shannonkiss
Others continued to reassure the OP and also questioned the ex-girlfriend's logic.
"NOR, I don't get why she wanted to stay the night at the ex's so bad if this was meant to be monogamous. Did you cheat on her before the break? Is that why you had a break?"
"I think you were right to end the relationship; relationships that need six-month-long breaks just need to be over." - Mission_Armadillo884
"She was going to cheat with the guy. There's no other plausible reason to go spend the night at his place, especially since she's f**ked him before."
"Did she still go see the guy after everything? Is she remorseful or fighting hard to get back with you?" - rocketmn69
"Plot twist... she's actually cheating on the other guy with OP."
"Could be they never actually broke up and he was starting to get suspicious about why she wouldn't stay the night with her boyfriend." - MasterShake807
"She probably convinced herself she wasn't going to cheat. But she probably would have."
"But even if she didn't end up cheating, it is still wildly, wildly inappropriate and disrespectful to you to even consider doing this. Let alone get upset with you when you say you're not comfortable. You have grounds for a breakup even if she asked and was ok with you saying no. It's ridiculous." - AdditionalPurpose473
"Take the sign. Never go back to her, because she will never put you first. Ever."
"Move on and find someone who will actually prioritize your relationship, that's complete bulls**t, and her attitude is a red flag so big it can be seen from space." - Electrical_Sun_7116
"Keep her blocked. If anyone comes after you saying that you're an a-hole for breaking up, tell them, 'She told me that she was going to go and f**k her boyfriend, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. She was right, I'm not stopping her. She made a decision for herself, and I made a decision for myself. Thank you for your concern.'" - rocketmn69
"I'm sorry, but I'm very confused as to why she would think this was ok. And I'm confused as to why this would be okay with you later, based on your qualification that right now the relationship is vulnerable. And why did you feel the need to specify that you would be monogamous?"
"I'm getting a strong sense that there's more to this than you are letting on. Like, you might have been polyamorous before?"
"The rationale of everything here just isn't making any sense in the context of a normal, monogamous relationship. This is coming from someone who is part of the ENM community and is close with a lot of polyamorous people." - zerok_nyc
"You made the right call. She's keeping her options open… and that isn't a monogamous relationship. It may suck, but she sounds extremely selfish and entitled and is pushing your boundaries. Stand on business…"
"Like, do we even know she ended things with him, or did she just SAYYY she did? She says she is going over to tell him they can't date anymore, and what actually happens is more of what they have been doing."
"It sort of sounds like she couldn't make a decision and was hoping to keep both things going until such a time she could decide. If so, good for you for making the decision for her. Now she has to go to the other guy and convince him that he was the one all along (which will probably work)." - Individual-Tip-2063
As much as it might hurt right now for the relationship to be over, for a second time, it sounded like this was really for the best, for the OP and for his ex-girlfriend.
It's unclear whether they were monogamous during their first relationship or whether they decided to end it during their second attempt, hoping that doing so would improve their chances.
But a closed relationship only works if everyone involved considers it to be closed.
Making plans with your ex for a questionable weekend away?
Not exactly acting like a monogamous partner.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.