Who should be at a wedding?
Some people go with close friends and family only. Others include business associates at their big day.
It should really be up to the couple getting married, but what if they disagree with each other?
A future bride turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her guest list.
Technical_Spell_2293 asked:
"AITA for asking my fiancé to cut 200 people from his guest list?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (31, female) and my fiancé (32, male) recently got engaged. We have started making our guest list as part of our wedding planning."
"My fiancé is a very social guy. He's been in the restaurant industry for 10+ years and has made a lot of friends and business connections."
"On the other hand you have me. I have a very small, but close group of friends. I get over stimulated easily and have to prepare for big group interactions, and usually can only last a few hours before I need to wander off and recharge a little."
"We made our first pass at a guest list. I have about 45-50 people on my list—this includes mutual friends and their plus ones. These are the people I can't see this day happening without."
"I have a very small family. He comes from a Mexican Italian family, very large. He's also a people pleaser."
"He made his list and has close to 400 people on his. This includes people who he's met in business and wants to essentially 'shake hands and kiss babies' with."
"I forgot to mention he's opening his own business soon."
"He said he will take another pass at the list and cut it down so we have 400 in total. The thought of this makes me physically ill."
"It's easy for me to say no to inviting people because I have a small list and I feel 'objective' when looking at his list."
"If I have to ask who is this? To a name on the list (unless it's a plus one) I don't think they should be invited."
"He's still stuck in the 'trying to please everyone' phase of planning."
"I want to be supportive and invite everyone he views as important to him, but there are a significant number of people on the list that I have never even met, some I haven't even heard of before this list."
"For context we have been together for 2.5 years. I also saw names and when I asked him who they were he said, 'well I was invited to their wedding 3+ years ago…' and some people he only exchanges 'happy birthday' with every year and says they 'need' to be at the wedding."
"Again, I want to be supportive. But I have a hard time justifying paying $250+ per person on people I have never met and who he only says happy birthday to."
"I've tried explaining this to him, but I know we are both passionate people and sometimes I have a hard time expressing how things make me feel. I don't want to sound like I don't care about his friendships, but to me, some of his reasons for inviting people just seem childish or irrelevant."
"Ideally I would like a wedding with 150 people—he wants closer to 500. I think I could do 250 without having a full panic attack and meltdown."
"I don't want to sound like a diva, but the thought of being around 200+ people I've never met and being the center of attention makes me want to crawl into a corner and hide."
"Last time I brought it up to him, he got really defensive and said I was making him feel like I don't care about the people who are important to him."
"I don't think that's the case but, AITA for wanting him to cut down from 400 people to 200?"
The OP later added:
"I can't believe I have to say this. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. It's about the number of people making me uncomfortable."
"We have two different personalities, which day to day get along BEAUTIFULLY, we definitely compromise and if we go out to a party with too many people or it becomes too much he lets me set a time limit 'social battery dying in 2 hours'."
"Or we skip events because I don't feel like 'people'."
"For context, we both work in the food and beverage world. I have to be extremely outgoing and social at work and it's EXHAUSTING."
"A wedding is already a highly emotional day. I don't want to increase that by feeling overwhelmed that 'a girl who introduced me to these two friends who we actually see every year at least 2 times a year NEEDS to be at the wedding even though I haven't seen her in 3 years'."
"Sorry, but I don't agree with THAT justification. The business contacts, some of them, I agree with them coming. Some of them absolutely not."
"TRUTHFULLY the business contacts aren't even the issue. It's the random 'friends' that I've never met suddenly making the guest list."
"We live in a very large city and the cost of everything is high! Venues (even small ones) run 7k-14k."
"The low end venues don't even include any amenities like linen rental, and those fees don't even include tax."
"But again. The cost isn't my objection. Stop worrying about how I'm spending my money. Please."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I state at the end that he thinks I'm being rude asking him to cut down his invite list and I don't think it's unfair."
"I need outside opinions on if I'm being the AH about the invite list. The action I took was confronting him about it."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He treats your wedding as a networking opportunity. To him it's a soft launch for his business without any regards for your feelings."
"I would be surprised if even half show up. I would not go to someone's wedding when I last saw them 3 years ago." ~ Momadvice1982
"But why use the wedding for that in the first place? If he is opening a business, he can have a 'grand opening' kind of event to promote it, his professional contacts are much more likely to come to that." ~ Infinite_Slide_5921
"NTA. This is one of the reasons we have wedding socials here. A wedding social is held before the wedding, and you invite as many people as you possibly can for it."
"It's often kind of a fundraising event, the money going to the wedding. You have drinks, a venue, DJ, and mostly finger-type foods usually."
"There are silent auctions, 50/50 draws, and other things of that nature. It's meant to gather with all the people who you want to celebrate the marriage with, but aren't necessarily close enough to be at the actual wedding."
"Typically you'd have a few hundred people there, and it's all about networking and socializing with these people. No ceremonies or speeches, no wedding rigmarole."
"Just fun drinking and talking with all the people you want to bring together. OP, consider doing a wedding social. I'm surprised they're not more common other places." ~ M4UN4K34
"A wedding is also a terrible idea for a networking event, because most people are going to feel like it's a gift grab if they don't actually know him very well." ~ gringledoom
"He's not even going to be able to network with ANY of these people! I don't think he realizes that the bride and groom have very little time to spend with people on their wedding day."
"If they have 400 wedding guests and a 3 hour reception, they will have exactly 27 seconds to talk to each guest if they don't take any time to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, dance, take photos, etc... NTA, OP." ~ TopRamenisha
"And also, if I got this invite after not talking for three years or only ever saying 'happy birthday' annually, I would assume they were doing it with the expectation of me not coming, but sending $$ or a gift."
"I wouldn't think it was a NICE thing to do. OP should chat with fiancé and hope he sees that, too. May be doing more damage than good to some of these relationships."
"If he doesn't love OP enough to respect her boundaries, maybe he'll love his connections enough to not make them think he only values their money. NTA." ~ Broad_Reserve_1121
"NTA. You're entitled to feel comfortable on your big day."
"Sounds like he wants a business convention not a wedding. There's no way on earth he has that many people that are that important to him that they absolutely need to be there."
"You're trying to compromise, he is trying to guilt you. Time for him to figure out if you are truly his priority or these people you don't know are." ~ ReviewOk929
"Him prioritising people he barely knows over you feeling comfortable and happy on your wedding day is super weird."
"Is this wedding a business networking event or a day to celebrate your union with the people you love? He needs to figure that out. NTA, OP." ~ Fun_Influence_3397
The OP definitely had Reddit on her side. Now she just needs to get her fiancé there too.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.