Every couple has to have a conversation about physical boundaries, not just in the sense of what they are personally comfortable with but also with what qualifies as cheating.
While one person might think anything with another person, even flirting, is cheating, another person might see everything except sex as acceptable, and it's important to see where everyone is on that spectrum, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No_Lychee5468 had been excited to marry his fiancée and spending the rest of his life with her, at least until he saw a video of her enjoying herself at her bachelorette party.
Unable to look past her "adventurous" evening, no matter how much alcohol was involved, the Original Poster (OP) realized this might not be the right relationship for him.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for canceling my wedding after I got a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper during her bachelorette party?"
The OP was excited to get married to his future wife and spend the rest of his life with her.
"My fiancée and I were supposed to get married next month."
"I was looking forward to the wedding and spending the rest of my life with my fiancee."
But then the OP saw something that he had never expected.
"Last month, we had the bachelor and bachelorette parties, and I got a message from an anonymous source. It was a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper."
"My fiancée did seem drunk, but I was shocked that they would even invite a male stripper, and secondly, that she would grind on him."
"I talked to my fiancée after the parties and showed her the video."
"My fiancée apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.
The OP realized that he couldn't forgive his fiancée for her "adventurous" night out.
"However, I just thought this was a massive betrayal, and after taking a week to think about it, I canceled my wedding, and broke up with my fiancee."
"My fiancee was really shocked and even hysterical and cried a lot, but mentally, I just couldn't do it anymore and imagine spending the rest of my life with my fiancée."
But still, the OP felt conflicted about the night that changed his life.
"I'm not totally sure what to think. Did I take this too far?"
"A lot of friends and family on my fiancee's side think this was really harsh."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he couldn't look past this, it was best to end the relationship.
"NTA. If you're already feeling betrayed before the wedding, then yeah, it's a red flag. It's better to pull the plug now than regret it later. It sounds like she went way beyond 'just a fun night.'" - poppyToooaz
"They say it's harsh because they want their friend to be happy. Watch, if the same thing happened to them, they'd be just as quick out the door and wouldn't want to hear a PEEP about THEM being ' too harsh.'"
"Don't be with this woman. She thought it was okay to grind on a male stripper? Not just dance around and laugh, but actually grind on someone other than her partner?." - No-Test6484
"So her 'FRIENDS' convinced her to do this, so what else can they convince her to do?!"
"That was the last straw for me: she refused to take responsibility for her actions. Her friends don't decide how she behaves. She does." - forresja
"NTA. It was better than marrying her and being unhappy and resentful. Never marry if you don't feel confident with that person." - youmustb3jokn
"If it was a betrayal in your mind, then that's all that matters. I will say that you were likely already having doubts or trouble trusting her for some reason, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back."
"I don't know if that would be enough to break up with someone that I had planned on marrying a month from now. I would definitely need to have some conversations, but that's assuming we had an otherwise solid relationship. It doesn't sound like you do." - legallychallenged123
"Honestly, who cares what the friends and family think? They're not the ones getting married right now, so they don't get a say in this. It's your life, and you made the right call for you. NTA."
"This could have been an implied boundary or what, but she still did it, she gave the OP the ick, and he can find someone else who wouldn't get so drunk that she doesn't even take responsibility for grinding on a stripper."
"For her, it'll be a lesson about actions and consequences, especially if she plans to marry someone else. Harsh, but I don't think she should have much of a say here." - dabakdaclub2019
"NTA, in my opinion. I can see some people being okay with this, but I also know people who consider 'lesser' things cheating, too. I think it comes down to personal values and your unnegotiable boundaries."
"Apparently, this was one of them, and in that case, it's better to find out the dealbreaker now than after you were married."
"I get being on the other side and being upset about it too (canceling the marriage and breaking up over this) since some people don't consider it a big deal, and it sounds like she didn't know beforehand that this was something you felt strongly about. Or, at the very least, she thinks she has an 'out' because her friends 'set it up' and because it sounds like she was 'drunk.' But a boundary is a boundary."
"As for me personally, I would feel hurt if my partner grinded against anyone else, and would find it hard to trust them around others. Even more so if we had discussed beforehand what we considered infidelity (Definitely discussions you should have before getting married) and they did it anyway." - moriquendi37
Others agreed and said they didn't understand the logic behind "adventurous" parties.
"For my bachelor party, we went shooting and then went to a brewery for a few beers and ended the night watching 'Lord of the Rings.' I don't understand how it's so hard to not cheat. NTA." - Firecracker048
"NTA. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are not some magical f**king party that absolves all of its attendees of consequences for their actions."
"If she'll do this today, what's stopping her from going with the same friends and doing the same or worse after you're married? I think you deserve better." - Ok-Increase-7654
"As a man, I had a good friend slightly harass me about getting a pro on my bachelor party trip. I brushed it off a couple of times and finally pulled him aside and said, 'Look man, I get it, but if I wanted to f**k other women, I wouldn't be getting married.' He finally stopped."
"People use these occasions as excuses for them to justify their behavior, which wouldn't fly in any other situation."
"While I wouldn't end a meaningful relationship with someone over a stripper grind, I wouldn't be happy about it either, and to be honest, I'd need some convincing that it was truly a one-time thing." - lawlesswallace75
"NTA."
"The OP wrote, 'A lot of friends and family on my fiancee's side think this was really harsh.' Good for them. Except, they're not marrying her, so their opinion is irrelevant. If this is serious enough to you to create doubt, don't ignore that."
"The OP also wrote, 'My fiancee apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.' Cool, when she grows into a person who can tell her friends 'no,' THEN she might be ready for marriage."
"For what it's worth, I think the whole 'one last hurrah' bulls**t is just that. It's bulls**t. Unless you're both non-monogamous or marrying for something other than love, you should be at peace with one piece for the rest of your life well before you even decide to get married." - Wild_Violinist_9674
"Why do people want strippers at their bachelor and bachelorette parties?!"
"If you need 'one more night of freedom,' what the f**k are you getting married for?!"
"Stay single, and let the person who wants to get married go and find their person." - herejusttoargue909
"The whole 'last night as a single man' thing, I don't understand it at all."
"Like, if I'm marrying somebody, it's because they're the only one I want those kinds of interactions with, period. If I don't feel that way about someone, there's no world in which I'm marrying that person."
"My bachelor party will be some dudes largely soberly playing board games and s**t. No girls allowed, lol (laughing out loud)."
"Other guys could put their own spin on this, like going golfing or something, but I think this is how it should be, not a 'last night,' 'last opportunity, 'out-of-jail-free card' for being with as many other people as you can." - CorruptedStudiosEnt
The subReddit understood why the OP was upset, especially if his future wife knew his boundaries before she went to her bachelorette party.
The bigger issue here honestly seems to be the ex's lack of accountability.
Just because her friends "set her up" did not mean she was required to go through with anything that they arranged. Also, drinking does not make a person do something they would never do; it simply makes it easier for them to do it without feeling so bad about it.
If the OP really wanted to give this relationship another try, his ex would not only need to listen to and respect his boundaries, but she'd need to do some work to prove that this was a bachelorette party thing and not a recurring issue.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.