Every couple has to have a conversation about physical boundaries, not just in the sense of what they are personally comfortable with but also with what qualifies as cheating.
While one person might think anything with another person, even flirting, is cheating, another person might see everything except sex as acceptable, and it's important to see where everyone is on that spectrum, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No_Lychee5468 had been excited to marry his fiancée and spending the rest of his life with her, at least until he saw a video of her enjoying herself at her bachelorette party.
Unable to look past her "adventurous" evening, no matter how much alcohol was involved, the Original Poster (OP) realized this might not be the right relationship for him.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for canceling my wedding after I got a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper during her bachelorette party?"
The OP was excited to get married to his future wife and spend the rest of his life with her.
"My fiancée and I were supposed to get married next month."
"I was looking forward to the wedding and spending the rest of my life with my fiancee."
But then the OP saw something that he had never expected.
"Last month, we had the bachelor and bachelorette parties, and I got a message from an anonymous source. It was a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper."
"My fiancée did seem drunk, but I was shocked that they would even invite a male stripper, and secondly, that she would grind on him."
"I talked to my fiancée after the parties and showed her the video."
"My fiancée apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.
The OP realized that he couldn't forgive his fiancée for her "adventurous" night out.
"However, I just thought this was a massive betrayal, and after taking a week to think about it, I canceled my wedding, and broke up with my fiancee."
"My fiancee was really shocked and even hysterical and cried a lot, but mentally, I just couldn't do it anymore and imagine spending the rest of my life with my fiancée."
But still, the OP felt conflicted about the night that changed his life.
"I'm not totally sure what to think. Did I take this too far?"
"A lot of friends and family on my fiancee's side think this was really harsh."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he couldn't look past this, it was best to end the relationship.
"NTA. If you're already feeling betrayed before the wedding, then yeah, it's a red flag. It's better to pull the plug now than regret it later. It sounds like she went way beyond 'just a fun night.'" - poppyToooaz
"They say it's harsh because they want their friend to be happy. Watch, if the same thing happened to them, they'd be just as quick out the door and wouldn't want to hear a PEEP about THEM being ' too harsh.'"
"Don't be with this woman. She thought it was okay to grind on a male stripper? Not just dance around and laugh, but actually grind on someone other than her partner?." - No-Test6484
"So her 'FRIENDS' convinced her to do this, so what else can they convince her to do?!"
"That was the last straw for me: she refused to take responsibility for her actions. Her friends don't decide how she behaves. She does." - forresja
"NTA. It was better than marrying her and being unhappy and resentful. Never marry if you don't feel confident with that person." - youmustb3jokn
"If it was a betrayal in your mind, then that's all that matters. I will say that you were likely already having doubts or trouble trusting her for some reason, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back."
"I don't know if that would be enough to break up with someone that I had planned on marrying a month from now. I would definitely need to have some conversations, but that's assuming we had an otherwise solid relationship. It doesn't sound like you do." - legallychallenged123
"Honestly, who cares what the friends and family think? They're not the ones getting married right now, so they don't get a say in this. It's your life, and you made the right call for you. NTA."
"This could have been an implied boundary or what, but she still did it, she gave the OP the ick, and he can find someone else who wouldn't get so drunk that she doesn't even take responsibility for grinding on a stripper."
"For her, it'll be a lesson about actions and consequences, especially if she plans to marry someone else. Harsh, but I don't think she should have much of a say here." - dabakdaclub2019
"NTA, in my opinion. I can see some people being okay with this, but I also know people who consider 'lesser' things cheating, too. I think it comes down to personal values and your unnegotiable boundaries."
"Apparently, this was one of them, and in that case, it's better to find out the dealbreaker now than after you were married."
"I get being on the other side and being upset about it too (canceling the marriage and breaking up over this) since some people don't consider it a big deal, and it sounds like she didn't know beforehand that this was something you felt strongly about. Or, at the very least, she thinks she has an 'out' because her friends 'set it up' and because it sounds like she was 'drunk.' But a boundary is a boundary."
"As for me personally, I would feel hurt if my partner grinded against anyone else, and would find it hard to trust them around others. Even more so if we had discussed beforehand what we considered infidelity (Definitely discussions you should have before getting married) and they did it anyway." - moriquendi37
Others agreed and said they didn't understand the logic behind "adventurous" parties.
"For my bachelor party, we went shooting and then went to a brewery for a few beers and ended the night watching 'Lord of the Rings.' I don't understand how it's so hard to not cheat. NTA." - Firecracker048
"NTA. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are not some magical f**king party that absolves all of its attendees of consequences for their actions."
"If she'll do this today, what's stopping her from going with the same friends and doing the same or worse after you're married? I think you deserve better." - Ok-Increase-7654
"As a man, I had a good friend slightly harass me about getting a pro on my bachelor party trip. I brushed it off a couple of times and finally pulled him aside and said, 'Look man, I get it, but if I wanted to f**k other women, I wouldn't be getting married.' He finally stopped."
"People use these occasions as excuses for them to justify their behavior, which wouldn't fly in any other situation."
"While I wouldn't end a meaningful relationship with someone over a stripper grind, I wouldn't be happy about it either, and to be honest, I'd need some convincing that it was truly a one-time thing." - lawlesswallace75
"NTA."
"The OP wrote, 'A lot of friends and family on my fiancee's side think this was really harsh.' Good for them. Except, they're not marrying her, so their opinion is irrelevant. If this is serious enough to you to create doubt, don't ignore that."
"The OP also wrote, 'My fiancee apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.' Cool, when she grows into a person who can tell her friends 'no,' THEN she might be ready for marriage."
"For what it's worth, I think the whole 'one last hurrah' bulls**t is just that. It's bulls**t. Unless you're both non-monogamous or marrying for something other than love, you should be at peace with one piece for the rest of your life well before you even decide to get married." - Wild_Violinist_9674
"Why do people want strippers at their bachelor and bachelorette parties?!"
"If you need 'one more night of freedom,' what the f**k are you getting married for?!"
"Stay single, and let the person who wants to get married go and find their person." - herejusttoargue909
"The whole 'last night as a single man' thing, I don't understand it at all."
"Like, if I'm marrying somebody, it's because they're the only one I want those kinds of interactions with, period. If I don't feel that way about someone, there's no world in which I'm marrying that person."
"My bachelor party will be some dudes largely soberly playing board games and s**t. No girls allowed, lol (laughing out loud)."
"Other guys could put their own spin on this, like going golfing or something, but I think this is how it should be, not a 'last night,' 'last opportunity, 'out-of-jail-free card' for being with as many other people as you can." - CorruptedStudiosEnt
The subReddit understood why the OP was upset, especially if his future wife knew his boundaries before she went to her bachelorette party.
The bigger issue here honestly seems to be the ex's lack of accountability.
Just because her friends "set her up" did not mean she was required to go through with anything that they arranged. Also, drinking does not make a person do something they would never do; it simply makes it easier for them to do it without feeling so bad about it.
If the OP really wanted to give this relationship another try, his ex would not only need to listen to and respect his boundaries, but she'd need to do some work to prove that this was a bachelorette party thing and not a recurring issue.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.