Every couple has to have a conversation about physical boundaries, not just in the sense of what they are personally comfortable with but also with what qualifies as cheating.
While one person might think anything with another person, even flirting, is cheating, another person might see everything except sex as acceptable, and it’s important to see where everyone is on that spectrum, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No_Lychee5468 had been excited to marry his fiancée and spending the rest of his life with her, at least until he saw a video of her enjoying herself at her bachelorette party.
Unable to look past her “adventurous” evening, no matter how much alcohol was involved, the Original Poster (OP) realized this might not be the right relationship for him.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling my wedding after I got a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper during her bachelorette party?”
The OP was excited to get married to his future wife and spend the rest of his life with her.
“My fiancée and I were supposed to get married next month.”
“I was looking forward to the wedding and spending the rest of my life with my fiancee.”
But then the OP saw something that he had never expected.
“Last month, we had the bachelor and bachelorette parties, and I got a message from an anonymous source. It was a video of my fiancée grinding on a male stripper.”
“My fiancée did seem drunk, but I was shocked that they would even invite a male stripper, and secondly, that she would grind on him.”
“I talked to my fiancée after the parties and showed her the video.”
“My fiancée apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.
The OP realized that he couldn’t forgive his fiancée for her “adventurous” night out.
“However, I just thought this was a massive betrayal, and after taking a week to think about it, I canceled my wedding, and broke up with my fiancee.”
“My fiancee was really shocked and even hysterical and cried a lot, but mentally, I just couldn’t do it anymore and imagine spending the rest of my life with my fiancée.”
But still, the OP felt conflicted about the night that changed his life.
“I’m not totally sure what to think. Did I take this too far?”
“A lot of friends and family on my fiancee’s side think this was really harsh.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he couldn’t look past this, it was best to end the relationship.
“NTA. If you’re already feeling betrayed before the wedding, then yeah, it’s a red flag. It’s better to pull the plug now than regret it later. It sounds like she went way beyond ‘just a fun night.'” – poppyToooaz
“They say it’s harsh because they want their friend to be happy. Watch, if the same thing happened to them, they’d be just as quick out the door and wouldn’t want to hear a PEEP about THEM being ‘ too harsh.'”
“Don’t be with this woman. She thought it was okay to grind on a male stripper? Not just dance around and laugh, but actually grind on someone other than her partner?.” – No-Test6484
“So her ‘FRIENDS’ convinced her to do this, so what else can they convince her to do?!”
“That was the last straw for me: she refused to take responsibility for her actions. Her friends don’t decide how she behaves. She does.” – forresja
“NTA. It was better than marrying her and being unhappy and resentful. Never marry if you don’t feel confident with that person.” – youmustb3jokn
“If it was a betrayal in your mind, then that’s all that matters. I will say that you were likely already having doubts or trouble trusting her for some reason, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“I don’t know if that would be enough to break up with someone that I had planned on marrying a month from now. I would definitely need to have some conversations, but that’s assuming we had an otherwise solid relationship. It doesn’t sound like you do.” – legallychallenged123
“Honestly, who cares what the friends and family think? They’re not the ones getting married right now, so they don’t get a say in this. It’s your life, and you made the right call for you. NTA.”
“This could have been an implied boundary or what, but she still did it, she gave the OP the ick, and he can find someone else who wouldn’t get so drunk that she doesn’t even take responsibility for grinding on a stripper.”
“For her, it’ll be a lesson about actions and consequences, especially if she plans to marry someone else. Harsh, but I don’t think she should have much of a say here.” – dabakdaclub2019
“NTA, in my opinion. I can see some people being okay with this, but I also know people who consider ‘lesser’ things cheating, too. I think it comes down to personal values and your unnegotiable boundaries.”
“Apparently, this was one of them, and in that case, it’s better to find out the dealbreaker now than after you were married.”
“I get being on the other side and being upset about it too (canceling the marriage and breaking up over this) since some people don’t consider it a big deal, and it sounds like she didn’t know beforehand that this was something you felt strongly about. Or, at the very least, she thinks she has an ‘out’ because her friends ‘set it up’ and because it sounds like she was ‘drunk.’ But a boundary is a boundary.”
“As for me personally, I would feel hurt if my partner grinded against anyone else, and would find it hard to trust them around others. Even more so if we had discussed beforehand what we considered infidelity (Definitely discussions you should have before getting married) and they did it anyway.” – moriquendi37
Others agreed and said they didn’t understand the logic behind “adventurous” parties.
“For my bachelor party, we went shooting and then went to a brewery for a few beers and ended the night watching ‘Lord of the Rings.’ I don’t understand how it’s so hard to not cheat. NTA.” – Firecracker048
“NTA. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are not some magical f**king party that absolves all of its attendees of consequences for their actions.”
“If she’ll do this today, what’s stopping her from going with the same friends and doing the same or worse after you’re married? I think you deserve better.” – Ok-Increase-7654
“As a man, I had a good friend slightly harass me about getting a pro on my bachelor party trip. I brushed it off a couple of times and finally pulled him aside and said, ‘Look man, I get it, but if I wanted to f**k other women, I wouldn’t be getting married.’ He finally stopped.”
“People use these occasions as excuses for them to justify their behavior, which wouldn’t fly in any other situation.”
“While I wouldn’t end a meaningful relationship with someone over a stripper grind, I wouldn’t be happy about it either, and to be honest, I’d need some convincing that it was truly a one-time thing.” – lawlesswallace75
“NTA.”
“The OP wrote, ‘A lot of friends and family on my fiancee’s side think this was really harsh.’ Good for them. Except, they’re not marrying her, so their opinion is irrelevant. If this is serious enough to you to create doubt, don’t ignore that.”
“The OP also wrote, ‘My fiancee apologized and said her friends just wanted a more adventurous bachelorette party.’ Cool, when she grows into a person who can tell her friends ‘no,’ THEN she might be ready for marriage.”
“For what it’s worth, I think the whole ‘one last hurrah’ bulls**t is just that. It’s bulls**t. Unless you’re both non-monogamous or marrying for something other than love, you should be at peace with one piece for the rest of your life well before you even decide to get married.” – Wild_Violinist_9674
“Why do people want strippers at their bachelor and bachelorette parties?!”
“If you need ‘one more night of freedom,’ what the f**k are you getting married for?!”
“Stay single, and let the person who wants to get married go and find their person.” – herejusttoargue909
“The whole ‘last night as a single man’ thing, I don’t understand it at all.”
“Like, if I’m marrying somebody, it’s because they’re the only one I want those kinds of interactions with, period. If I don’t feel that way about someone, there’s no world in which I’m marrying that person.”
“My bachelor party will be some dudes largely soberly playing board games and s**t. No girls allowed, lol (laughing out loud).”
“Other guys could put their own spin on this, like going golfing or something, but I think this is how it should be, not a ‘last night,’ ‘last opportunity, ‘out-of-jail-free card’ for being with as many other people as you can.” – CorruptedStudiosEnt
The subReddit understood why the OP was upset, especially if his future wife knew his boundaries before she went to her bachelorette party.
The bigger issue here honestly seems to be the ex’s lack of accountability.
Just because her friends “set her up” did not mean she was required to go through with anything that they arranged. Also, drinking does not make a person do something they would never do; it simply makes it easier for them to do it without feeling so bad about it.
If the OP really wanted to give this relationship another try, his ex would not only need to listen to and respect his boundaries, but she’d need to do some work to prove that this was a bachelorette party thing and not a recurring issue.