Division of labor and money is a tough issue in many marriages. But for one mom on Reddit, the issue has destroyed her daughter’s impending marriage.
After her daughter heeded her advice and refused to get a full-time job so she can plan her dream wedding, her fiance broke off the engagement and accused her of gold-digging.
She wasn’t sure about how she’d handled things, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by IsThisNormalStuff on the site, asked:
“AITA for thinking my daughter shouldn’t pay rent?”
She explained:
“I have been a SAHM my whole marriage. My husband pays the bills. I keep house and raise my little ones. I also do things like money management and our taxes because I have an accounting degree.”
“My oldest daughter calls me because she just recently moved in with her fiancé and he told her she has to pay half of rent and utilities. He makes a lot more than her because she’s working part time so she has time to plan her dream wedding”
“Both his parents work and I know his mom makes more than his dad. My daughter (Sarah 24) and I was thrown back when she realized she had to split all of the bills in the marriage and pay for things like her wedding dress. It’s put a damper on our wedding planning.”
“I tried talking to her fiancé (Luke 32) saying his family situation was unique since his mom was making more. He rebuffed me saying it’s unrealistic to think he would work and Sarah could just spend all of her free time wedding planning. He said she has a degree and she should get a full time job.”
“Sarah and him both went to school for accounting and that’s how he met her was at her internship. He works about 60 hours a week and I explained that with wedding planning asking her to work that much way too much on a girl her age.”
“His Mother is feeding him the new wave feminism and I don’t think it’s a good life balance for this young couple. His mom is feeding my daughter that in this world you have to work hard and have tough love for you kids.”
“Sarah called crying because her MIL yelled at her for being a gold digger and Sarah has moved back in with her best friend. My daughter is saying I gave her bad advice and now Luke wants to call off the wedding and wants his ring back. She’s blaming it on me but I think Luke shouldn’t have asked my daughter to pay half of his bills on top of wedding planning.”
Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Unsurprisingly, very few of them took her side and found her and her daughter’s demands totally unreasonable.
“YTA as you gave terrible advise.”
“A wedding is not a valid excuse to not work and plenty of people her age work those sort of hours.”
“I’m not surprised that he called off the wedding as no one in their right mind would want to deal with someone who acts so entitled.” –c3ry5
“The way OP said, ‘his mom is feeding him the new wave of feminism’ literally says a lot about OP. Her idea is the one that isn’t the good balance for any couple.”
“And OP, yes in this world you gotta work to earn money in order to live. You can’t just mooch off another. There is no more ‘blue is for boys and pink is for girls’. Your daughter is capable enough to o get a job and support herself and if she continues to listen to your terrible advise, she’ll prolly end up alone. And if your daughter can’t handle a job and wedding planning at the age of 25, she ain’t ready for having kids or getting married either.”
“…I’m not saying sahm is anti feminist. A woman and a man has every right to choose what they want in life but when the boyfriend made it clear how he doesn’t want to be sole breadwinner in his future family, Op didn’t like it.”
“She clearly doesn’t like the change in gender roles. I called OP that cuz the way she negatively said that sentence of new wave of feminism. She clearly didn’t like it. That’s what I said.” –Anonymous33-
“She had me at first. I was like ‘well, they should probably split the bills unevenly since he makes more…'”
“And then she very quickly lost me. She has to work part time to plan her wedding?? What?”
“She has to pay for her dress? Okay, well since OP is into tradition so much, OP should be the one paying for the dress AND the wedding.”
“NEWS FLASH OP: a full-time job is generally 40 hours a week. Just because he works 60 hours doesn’t mean she will.” –ximxperfection
“YTA. I have never… not ever in my life… heard of someone who has to go down to part-time work to plan a wedding. I was a teacher working full time and doing after-school training while wedding planning. Wedding planning can be annoying and stressful, but if you need half a day to do it, every day of the week, there’s something wrong.”
“If I were this finance, I’d call off the whole thing and get her out of my house. The daughter has shown that she can’t make logical decisions and that she just “expects” things to be paid for and taken care of. The daughter has also shown that she listens to her mom’s terrible advice rather than common sense.” –crystallz2000
“OP YTA. My God there is just SO MUCH to unpack here. OP I don’t think you actually understand the definition of feminism. The short version is, women should have equal rights & opportunities. They should be able to decide for themselves, what is best for them & their lives.”
“Whether a woman chooses to be a SAHM like yourself, or work like your ex-FSIL’s mom, is HER DECISION. If your situation works for you & your family, great! But that doesn’t mean Sarah’s ex & his mom are wrong. It’s 2022 & most women work outside of the home. Many of them even have families & (GASP) some make more than their partners😱.”
“I honestly don’t understand how Sarah & Luke dated, got engaged & decided to move in together without discussing finances. And he didn’t ask her to pay half of “his bills”. He asked her to pay half of THEIR JOINT BILLS. We call that ‘being an adult.'”
“Luke’s mom makes some valid points. Most people DO have to work hard to get anywhere & sometimes tough love IS necessary. I’m curious, why don’t you think your daughter working is a ‘good life balance for this couple?'” Why exactly do you feel Luke should bankroll your daughter’s life on top of paying for the wedding?”
“Are you & your husband currently subsidizing her life? If you’re more traditional & truly feel that Luke should fully take care of Sarah if they marry, are you & her father going to pay for the wedding, including her dress? Are you providing a dowry?”
“Honestly it doesn’t sound like Sarah & Luke are compatible. It sounds like he wants a partner who works & she doesn’t want to. If that’s the case they should consider finding partners more inline with what they want. In the meantime, both you & Luke’s mom may want to mind your own business & let your adult children make their own decisions.🤷🏽♀️” –Gravediggersdaughter
“Definitely YTA. There’s so much wrong with this op I don’t know where to start. Planning a wedding doesn’t mean you don’t have to work. Also, who the fu*k did she think was going to pay for everything for the wedding?”
“Surely not the grooms family, as that would be in line with that new feminist stuff, not traditional ways. Time to pony up that money op! Support your daughter until she is married and make sure you give a sizable amount of money to the new husband.” –TemporaryStory573
“Don’t forget ‘Luke shouldn’t have asked my daughter to pay half of his bills.’ Mom is delusional in thinking that her daughter shouldn’t pay half (or any?) of SHARED living expenses. This isn’t the 1950s, you don’t get to expect that you live for free and aren’t responsible for paying your own way.”
“YTA for making your daughter believe that your world view/that a man should provide all of the financial support is how the world operates. It’s even more confusing since you seem to have a mindset out of the 1950s but don’t hold the very traditional view that a bride buys her own wedding dress?”
“Good riddance for Luke if your daughter really embraced your ideas. Too bad for your daughter if she took your advice and it just ruined her engagement/marriage.” –UnicornWellington
Hopefully OP can learn to stay out of her daughter’s relationships in the future.