Wedding planning can be stressful. What no couple needs are demands thrown at them after plans have been set.
A bride who said no to last minute demands turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ill_Macaroon1392 asked:
"AITA for a confrontation with my husband's family on our wedding day?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"There has been drama over this ONE plus one for 3 months and we repeatedly said we can’t extend the invite. They crashed and then family members accused us of being vile horrible people for kicking them out."
"60 person international destination wedding."
"In December we were asked to give my fiancé’s cousin a plus one because they were now in a serious relationship and living together."
"Due to budget—everything had already been confirmed and budgeted for—we said no. My husband’s cousin didn’t push back after we said we couldn’t afford to add for a partner this close to our wedding."
"2 weeks before the wedding, they tried asking again and offering to pay. At this point it was too close to the wedding to change anything, everything had been confirmed and paid for, because we were flying out in one week."
"WEDDING NIGHT. My husband’s aunt and uncle had the plus one/girlfriend crash our wedding."
"They approached just the groom (my husband) and told him it was their decision to invite the girlfriend (not an apology, a statement)."
"When I (the bride) confronted the aunt and uncle about not being including in the conversation they had with my husband, they doubled down on their decision and said they were the offended ones."
"They were kicked out of the wedding and onsite accommodations. The uncle later sent separate texts to us (bride and groom) telling us how horrible we are of people because the couple in love (cousin and girlfriend) just wanted to be there."
"We provided accommodations for free to as many of our guests as possible so the wedding was affordable for them. They also had the hotel option that they had to then pay for."
"Since it was a destination, we had accommodations and activities and food all paid for and arranged for several days. Anyone who wanted to stay longer had to pay for that on their own. Most people just had to pay for plane tickets."
The OP later added:
"I am the bride. My husband’s cousin never asked us directly about a plus one. Their parents back channeled through my MIL and FIL."
"My husband’s cousin was not in a relationship when save the dates went out and when the invites went out they were not yet serious."
"We did not kick them out of the hotel, we asked the aunt and uncle to leave the lodging we paid for and provided ti guests for free. The plus one after arriving we didn’t kick out."
"The conflict was with the aunt and uncle being completely disrespectful and flipping me off when I walked away after telling them I’d appreciate if they include me in any conversations regarding our wedding."
"My husband did stand up to the aunt and she doubled down."
"We actually didn’t ask the uninvited guest to leave. I confronted the aunt and uncle and requested that if they want to have conversations about our wedding, they take it to me and my husband."
"A scene wasn’t made until after I walked away the uncle flipped off me (the bride) and my family asked him to leave the onsite accommodations and go to the hotel."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Not giving them a plus one and then kicking out the aunt and uncle for causing a scene. They offered to pay her way, after it was too late to add her, but they are family."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. The bride and groom determine the guest list. Period. They had every right to kick out these rude family members." ~ Traditional-Sky5252
"People always forget that the wedding is about the couple being married and what they want on their day. Everything else is families and friends starting drama because they are trying to make the day about them." ~ rasalscan
"I still have weird feelings about my own wedding (which was great because I married my husband, and it was very pretty) because several people in my life/family started shit, repeatedly tried to make it about themselves, or were just straight up awful to me, the bride."
"I just wanted one damn day!!"
"Really taught me a lot about those people though, and I now have boundaries that I didn’t have then. When someone shows you that you can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, don’t bother even trying to lift their a**." ~ ChickenCasagrande
"This gets buried with how much Reddit hates weddings, but it's an absolutely valid ask to have named +1s. Our rule was you needed your +1s name by invite time, which was 9 months out for us. Everyone abided. We've also known friends who ended up with unknown +1s at their weddings that did things from causing a scene to stealing cash gifts." ~ juanzy
"I'm kinda in the I hate weddings group and just posted a few minutes ago on another post that I don't go to weddings if I don't get a plus one. I have my reasons for not wanting to sit by myself."
"But what is absolutely not okay and would never be is to call and heckle the bride and groom or try to cause any type of problem for them. They absolutely have the right to invite who they want and that should be respected. I can say yes or no to going and that's the ONLY say I have in it. Period."
"The aunt and uncle should be ashamed of themselves! They're supposed to be adults. I'm sorry you, and the OP, had to deal with that on your special day." ~ Faisfancy
"NTA, people who invite themselves to any invitation only event should be kicked out. You didn't do that. You kicked two people who were making a scene out of your accommodations you paid for, sending them to a hotel, not out onto the street." ~ CatsMom4Ever
"I also bet they were offering a fraction of what the catering+seating per-head cost was too. I see it all over Reddit threads assuming you add like $36 and it's set. IIRC our total explicit per-head cost was $250. There's also sometimes venue thresholds where it's $1K+ more if you hit a certain number - we had 53 people, but if we hit 60 there was a flat $5k additional charge, another $5k over 75." ~ juanzy
"NTA. Ya'll the question isn't if OP is the a**hole for not allowing a plus one."
"The question is, after being given a firm answer 'no', were the aunt and uncle a**holes for bringing the plus one. That is clearly a big yes! In virtually any situation, you are an a**hole if you've been told no and then do what you want to anyway." ~ hyperside89
"This is an easy one. Aunt and uncle crossed a line...a big one. The uninvited guest lacks a sense of self respect to show up where they are uninvited. (Cringeworthy). I wonder if that uninvited partner is an easily led or coerced person to have gone along with this."
"But move on. Don't make or accept any contact by any of them. Don't respond or allow anyone to engage with you over this. And don't explain why to anyone. Let them seethe if they want. You do not have to associate or be present with any of them for any event." ~ Ok-Trainer3150
"NTA, they could have invited her to the trip and had her stay at the hotel. She didn’t need to be at the ceremony/wedding event."
"Destination weddings are very expensive and the couple may not know this woman enough to have her be at their wedding. The self entitlement of these family members is unacceptable. The parents should have dealt with their siblings on this. Not the bride and groom on their special day." ~ Danswife1994
"We had a couple that we invited that had a 6 month old when they traveled to our wedding. The wife brought her mom and sister on the trip to watch their kid so they, just the parents, could attend our wedding. The mom and sister never once even attempted to encroach on any of the wedding events." ~ juanzy
"NTA. If you are not invited then you can't 'be there' at a wedding. They tried to get the plus one, there's nothing wrong with that, but once they were told no then the answer is no." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA. Wow, aunt and uncle are real pieces of work. Not only did they not ask you and your now husband directly, they made a whole fucking scene at your wedding. Like, who flips off the bride for being upset that they allowed someone to crash a wedding. Miserable people, I'm glad you kicked them out." ~ lavender_poppy
OP may have married into this family, but that doesn't mean she needs to maintain a relationship with this aunt and uncle.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp