Finding the perfect dresses for a bridal party can be a time-consuming process.
There are so many styles and themes to choose from.
One of the biggest issues, though, is cost.
Any type of wedding dress can be costly.
This can lead to a lot of headaches.
Redditor Separate_Bobcat_773 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole"(AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not paying for my niece's flower girl dresses and choosing to go with a different flower girl??"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 F[emale]) am getting married on May 31st, 2026."
"So far, the wedding has been drama-free, but an issue arose today around an hour ago, so it is still very fresh."
"I had my three nieces as my flower girls in my wedding."
"I only wanted the youngest as she is closest in age to my own child, but did not think it was fair to exclude her sisters, ages 5, 9, and 10."
"I had asked them to be my flower girls and my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] to be a bridesmaid around 10 months ago."
"The wedding is currently less than 2 months away, and my brother and SIL could not afford the flower girl dresses."
"I gave my SIL $200 of the $300 it would cost to buy the dresses to help and offered to pay for her son's tux as he would be a ring bearer. "
"They never bought the dresses because they could not afford them and sent the money back to me with the intent that I order the dresses."
"I saw that my SIL posted on Facebook looking for someone to take family pictures."
"This was very frustrating as I was covering the cost of the dresses and tuxes, which would cost me around $400 total."
"I did text her, and she explained their situation, and I responded that she understood why it was still annoying."
"My older brother then texted me a long message and insisted it was mine or my father's job to pay for everything."
"That they spent less than $300 on their wedding total, and that he was not going to tell me, but they never planned on buying the dresses that they wanted to buy something else."
"I have already made other accommodations for my brother and SIL in my wedding, as my SIL had complained about her son not being at the wedding (I'm having a child-free wedding; the kids in the bridal party are the only kids there and are leaving after the ceremony)."
"Hence why her son was going to be a ring bearer along with my son."
"I did this because I did not want to deal with the drama of it all."
"I did not agree with my brother and told him he did what he wanted for his wedding, but this was my wedding, and they had almost a year to put money back for the dresses."
"Again, they only needed $100 as I was paying the rest."
"My brother called me a few choice words and said some other rude things, but I was very blunt with him and ended it by saying I would find a different flower girl."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit AITA for kicking out my nieces and or not paying for their dresses??"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole, and many thought everybody involved was making a mess.
"I mean, this may just be because I'm from the UK, but here it's considered incredibly tacky to ask someone to be in your wedding party and not pay for their outfits. YTA."
"Edit- this has blown up a bit, so I thought I'd say on here instead of replying individually."
"I did say I'm in the UK, I'm aware it's not the norm specifically in the US (apparently other places in Europe and Canada they do it the same as here though, so maybe the US needs to change...)."
"For my wedding, my bridesmaids (4 of them) picked out the dress they wanted, and I only chose the colour and the shop, which has hundreds of styles."
"They paid if they wanted it altered and paid for shoes if they wanted new ones, but I said they could wear any shoes."
"I bought them jewelry on the day as a surprise to say thank you for standing up with me; it was part of a goodie bag with matching slippers, an emergency kit, etc."
"I paid for makeup, and my SIL did their hair, but I would have paid for that too."
"We asked for no gifts, which is becoming a lot more normal in the UK for my generation (late millennial)." ~ slippery-pineapple
"YTA - if any sibling is in the wedding, they should have all gotten an invite from the start."
"Correcting that wasn’t an accommodation; it was being a decent aunt."
"Explaining why little sister gets to go to Auntie OP’s wedding, but the others don’t is an AH thing to dump on someone.
Either go full childfree, immediate family, or any - this approach was drama waiting to happen."
"Anyway, you sound like you’re treating children as props instead of people you actually want there.'
"If $100 is worth more to you than having them there, that’s your decision."
“'It’s my wedding, I get to decide how much money you spend.' Ridiculous." ~ lizfour
"To me, it depends."
"My bridesmaids picked their own style of dress, just in one color they all agreed was pretty."
"A few had shorter dresses that they’ve reused for other events, the others had longer dresses they felt comfortable in."
"The dresses were all $200 or less.
"I bought their shoes and jewelry."
"They did whatever hairstyle and makeup they wanted.
"Anything I wanted, I paid for."
"Anything they wanted."
"They paid for." ~ Ok-Complex-3019
"My suggestion is probably not going to be popular with a lot of the posters, but here goes."
"Just pay for the flower girl dresses as a gift for your nieces."
"They shouldn't be punished for your brother's decision."
"They will always remember that auntie included them in her special day." ~ Outside-Signature600
"ESH, it was demanding of your SIL to demand her kids all be the flower girls."
"But it’s also really tacky of you to have the kids only be there just for show during the ceremony, then be required to go home immediately after?"
"What’s up with that?"
"They don’t even get to eat the wedding food/cake or whatever as a thank you for playing the parts in your wedding?"
"They just show up, then go home once you don’t need them anymore?"
"The parents need to leave the wedding to take them home/with a babysitter, then come back?"
"That’s very tacky in my opinion."
"Either exclude the kids entirely, or let them stay the full time as a thank you for their work in helping your wedding come together."
"You also should just try to find cheaper dresses."
"$400 on dresses for 3 young children is quite a lot, especially since they’ll likely grow out of it before they wear it again." ~ Gabby_Craft
"ESH. If you want them to pay for the dresses, then they should be able to pick something they can afford."
"If you want to pick the dresses, then you should pay for them."
"You keep saying it’s 'only $100.' That reeks of privilege. "
"That could be the difference between eating and not eating."
"It’s not a small amount of money to everyone."
"They also should have been upfront about not buying the dresses and told you no, rather than hiding it or putting it off." ~ ArmTrue4439
"ESH. You don’t have to make every child in the family part of the wedding party."
"You should’ve just chosen the one or two who are the appropriate age, and paid for their outfits entirely."
"But if you have a young son and daughter, it would’ve been less drama to not make any nieces/nephews part of the wedding party at all."
"You’re making the unnecessary inclusion of extra flower girls and ring bearers, but then skipping the necessary step of paying for their outfits you picked out."
"But I also think if a bride and groom invite you to participate in the wedding party on your own dime, you should respectfully tell them it’s not in your budget and attend as a guest, not pressure them to do things the way you want at their own wedding."
"They should leave the kids at home and attend as guests."
"I think it’s cumbersome and creates drama to leave most of the kids from a household at home and have just one come for the ceremony." ~ Tricky-Wrap-2578
"It sounds like you've already tried to make accommodations for them, giving them the majority of the cost of the dresses, paying for the tux, adding three extra children to your wedding, and they still couldn't be bothered to put in a little effort."
"NTA. Tell your brother and SIL they are welcome as guests, but they will need to leave the kids at home."
"What they spent on their wedding has absolutely NOTHING to do with your wedding." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. A year is not only more than reasonable to save $100, but it’s also more than ample time for your brother and SIL to let you know they cannot accommodate it."
"They sound like jerks, to be honest."
"If removing your nieces from the ceremony results in a lack of closeness, as someone else suggested, then there wasn’t a strong bond to begin with. In the scheme of life, this is pretty trivial." ~ idontwantcovideither
Well, Reddit is all over the map here, OP.
It is your special day.
You get to choose whoever you want.
Sounds like there are going to be consequences no matter what.
Good luck and congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp