Mom Sparks Family Drama By Funding Her Daughter's Wedding But Not Her Stepdaughter's

The price tags on weddings these days can cause heart palpitations.

The wedding industry is a BILLION-dollar empire.

And not everyone can afford to pay for it.

Going the traditional route of '"the bride's family pays" has been a bit backburnered.

Now, when it comes to finances, a lot of weddings have become an "all hands on deck" situation.

This doesn't always go over well with everyone.

Redditor Pure_Discussion9971 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

"AITA for paying for one daughter's wedding?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"I 45 F[emale] am married to John 50 M[ale]."

"We have 2 daughters (one together, Hannah 25, and one from his previous relationship, Alexa 30)."

"Alexa is older and always got everything new and Hannah always got the hand-me-downs."

"She never had much of her 'own' things so I wanted to make her wedding special."

"Both of the girls have gotten engaged."

"I told Hannah I would pay for her wedding."

"I have been saving her whole life."

"Alexa asked John if he and her bio mom would be paying for her wedding and he said no."

"He said she should have a wedding that she and her fiancé can afford."

"The girls went to get lunch the other day, and Alexa found out I was paying for Hannah's wedding."

"Alexa called John crying that it's unfair I am paying for Hannah's wedding."

"John thinks we should split the money evenly between the two girls."

"I told him no because I was the one who had been saving the money."

"I told him if he'd like to pay for Alexa's wedding then he should speak with her mother for them to see how much they could help."

"John asked if I would be willing to give any money that was left from Hannah's wedding to Alexa."

"I told him no, I was giving Hannah the whole account, and she could spend the money on what she wants."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA. That is indeed a talk that should be between Alexa's parents." ~ subsailor1968

"OP had saved that money from her income. Her husband split costs for the daughter with the responsible mom."

"OP told the husband that she is doing that for her daughter."

"He could have done the same."

"Or his ex could have done something like OP and saved money for her daughter."

"But no."

"They didn't care enough and both had nothing for their daughter."

"OP's daughter would also have nothing if OP would have to wait until her husband helped with the money." ~ Significant_Taro_690

"The whole 'hand-me-downs' deal made me think that the girls grew up in the same house."

"There's nothing wrong with having some hand-me-downs."

"Still, I think any younger sibling would justifiably be resentful of never getting anything new."

"Hannah grew up basically forced to 'live' in Alexa's style, in everything used (clothes for sure, perhaps toys and tech as well, like if Alexa got a new smartphone, Hannah would get the old one and same with computers/tablets, etc.)."

"When OP clarified that Alexa lived full time with her mom, except two weekends a month, it made the situation so much worse, in my opinion."

"Hannah got her stepsister's cast-offs; bet anything that Alexa teased and/or bullied Hannah about that every weekend she was there."

"I wonder just how much involvement OP's husband even had with Hannah."

"She's like an afterthought to him. He sucks."

"Hannah likely grew up feeling like her dad didn't believe she deserved anything new, anything of her own."

"He sounds very controlling when it came/comes to finances."

"When OP was a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om], he handled all the finances, as if OP was a subordinate or child."

"I hate that."

"Based on OP's husband expecting OP to split the savings between her (their) daughter Hannah and his daughter/her stepdaughter, who never lived with them, who has an actual mom, and who OP was never allowed to parent in any way, it sounds like he's still a controlling AH in that regard."

"He and Alexa's mom couldn't be bothered to save anything for her, so sure, let's just take the one thing specifically for Hannah and make her give up half of it. Yuck."

"OP is NTA; OP's husband and the ex and Alexa are AHs." ~ Wackadoodle-do

"NTA but this should have been discussed a long time ago." ~ Silent_Morning692

"John has a brain."

"His ex has a brain."

"Surely, those two could have had a bright idea at some point in their co-parenting of Alexa to come up with the understanding that they need to start saving for their shared child."

"John not talking to his ex or the ex not talking to John about their shared child's future is not the fault of OP."

"NTA, OP." ~ Kind_Mirage4304

"You are holding it against your stepdaughter that you took her old clothes for your daughter rather than buying new ones?"

"I'd do the same thing, but what does wearing hand-me-downs have to do with a wedding?"

"Technically, NTA because it's your money and so forth, but that stretch of a justification makes me think that deep down, you know this might not be the best decision."

"You are certainly communicating to your stepdaughter that you don't view her as a true daughter."

"Again, that's your right in some sense, but she also has a right to treat you accordingly."

"I would." ~ GundyGalois

"OP told her husband this when she started working that she was saving money for her daughter's wedding or down payment on a house."

"John the father could have done the same all these years... NTA." ~ Majortwist_80

"NTA. She has two parents to pay for her wedding."

"Husband is just trying to look like a good guy to his daughter without having to spend any money on her."

"Stick to your guns, sounds like your daughter deserves this win." ~ wlfwrtr

"Exactly. Clearly, when OP communicated she would be independently doing this for her biological daughter, John brushed it off, said coolly whatever, and then never once gave a thought about the future."

"Hannah is lucky to have a parent who took the initiative and planned ahead for her."

"John is now trying to weasel money out of what was agreed to be savings for Hannah because now he's realizing how bad it makes them look that they didn't do anything for Alexa." ~ Krillennial

"NTA. John is making you his scapegoat for his choice, more than once, to not save money for his daughter."

"You told him about this when the girls were young."

"You discussed this when they were engaged, and both times, he basically said Alexa can deal with it herself."

"Only when he came under fire is he trying to backpedal so that he doesn't take the brunt of the scrutiny by relying on the work you've done for years?"

"What an easy way out."

"Constantly say multiple times he's not going to pay for his daughter's wedding and dig his heels into it, and then try and fall on your sacrifice and nest egg to bail him out so he doesn't look bad."

"His ex also didn't do it."

"Anyone saying this will worsen your relationship with Alexa might be right, but it's really not your fault."

"Alexa isn't 15 or 20 where she's an adolescent adjusting to a stepmom."

"She's a full-grown adult at 30, and for her to put this blame on you instead of her own parent's choices is her fault."

"For her to blame you is misdirecting the blame when you've had this conversation with John in the past and he's always known about it." ~ starfire92

"NTA. You've been saving specifically for your child while your ex has not."

"That's not your problem ,and you're under no obligation to split the money between the two girls."

"Yeah, it's a sh*tty situation for the girls, but it's up to your ex to support his children on his own terms now that they're adults."

"If he hasn't set aside money for their weddings, there's no money to give either of them."

"But that's no reason for you to change your financial plans."

"I've just realized I misread the post and that you're still married to your partner, not separated."

"This changes my feelings in that typically married couples have joint finances and make financial decisions together."

"So the wedding fund situation should have been disclosed and discussed when you began saving." ~ Thimblepeople

"It's not her ex, it's her husband but the one daughter is his and his ex's."

'And now that he's found out he screwed up, he wants to use the money she's been saving exclusively for their daughter to give some to his other daughter."

"He's TA." ~ anchorPT73

"NTA. You opened a savings account for your daughter, and you can use the money as you please."

"It's one of those situations where it may come across as selfish but sometimes it's okay to be selfish in my opinion."

"And I know this is where stepmom and stepdaughter relationships can get tricky, but if it were me, I don't think I would expect my stepmom to pay for my wedding." ~ Popular_Cat_477

"NTA. Sounds like you have separate finances, and I'm not sure why your husband thinks it's fair to combine money and expenses now."

"Also sounds like there's been some 'unfairness' in terms of treatment of the kids all along your relationship, so I also don't understand why he's so concerned about making things fair and even for both girls now."

"This is your money that you've been saving for a very specific reason."

"Husband and Alexa's mom should have been planning for Alexa, just like you did for Hannah."

"This is not on you." ~ That_UsrNm_Is_Taken

"He's not concerned with making things fair and even for both girls."

"He's concerned with getting something for Alexa."

"It's not about making it fair to Alexa, making it fair to Alexa would be him gifting Alexa the same amount Hannah will be getting."

"He doesn't want to spend any money." ~ Apprehensive_Ninja56

"NTA- Not the asshole all day!"

"You planned for your daughter's wedding/future."

"Alexa has TWO parents who haven't done anything!"

"Yes, you've known her, but that is not any indication of the relationship."

"Why, as the third person, was this ever her responsibility?" ~ Appropriate_Art_3863

"NTA... her parents should pay." ~ Mulva13

"NTA. Based on a comment where you said y'all had separate accounts and you told John you were saving money for Hannah."

"It's not your problem that John and his ex failed to do the same for Alexa." ~ mermaidmom4

"NTA... your husband was aware you were saving and should have taken it upon himself to speak with her other parent to do the same."

"Obviously he wasn't inclined to do so."

"He could have asked about your plan and done the same."

"It should not be on you to make the sacrifice for both." ~ Willing_Card6893

"NTA. You don't appear to be objecting to your husband contributing to your stepdaughter's wedding."

"You are just objecting to taking some of the money you saved (that is not part of how you pay for your joint/household expenses) specifically for the daughter you and your husband share together."

"Now if your husband was willing to give his older daughter money for her wedding and you demanded he help pay for your daughter's wedding so they were getting equal support from their father, you'd probably be the AH since you did save a substantial amount for your daughter."

"It seems as though it's your husband who is completely unwilling to help pay for either of his daughter's weddings." ~ pottymouthpup

"NTA. Stand firm for your daughter."

"Why did she always need to get the hand-me-downs from your stepdaughter?"

"At least let her have her wedding and some leftover money." ~ LifeAsksAITA

"NTA. You have saved for years for Hannah's wedding."

"Her parents should have done the same." ~ Fun-Yellow-6576

Edit: Just to answer some common questions...

"When I got pregnant with Hannah, John asked me to be a stay-at-home mom."

"During that time,e John was in charge of all the finances."

"That is why Hannah always had hand-me-downs because John said he wasn't going to buy her something new if we had something that worked."

"I started working when Hannah was 10 years old."

"At that time, John and I decided he would split Alexa's costs with her mother and that we would split Hannah's costs."

"During that conversation, I told John that I would be making a savings account for Hannah."

"At the time, I said I hoped I could save enough money to pay for her wedding or a down payment on a house."

"Obviously, not knowing how much I'd save."

"We didn't talk about it again because there wasn't a need to."

"Once I started working, our finances were separate."

"Alexa's mom had full custody, and we had her every other weekend."

"During those weekend,s John made all her parenting decisions."

Update:

"Hannah told her fiancé what had happened."

"Hannah's fiancé is an only child, and his parents said they would pay for half the wedding."

"I told Hannah the money is still hers, and she can use it for the other half and use the leftover money towards a house."

"She and her fiancé are very grateful."

"I told her that tomorrow I'd go talk to someone about getting the money in a trust of some kind in her name since right now it's in a savings account with both of our names."

Edit 2:

"I saw people asking if I was contributing to the household once I started working and yes I was."

"We agreed on an amount and I would transfer money to John for him to use towards the bills every month."

"I also did the grocery shopping."

Update 2:

"The money is officially transferred into only Hannah's name."

"My husband is also aware of this."

"Alexa, her fiancé, Alexa's mother, Hannah, her fiancé, my husband, and I all talked last night."

"Alexa explained she felt pushed aside during the biggest day of her life so far and felt like she didn't have our support going into her new life."

"I explained that I was very sorry and never wanted her to feel that way, but that her father was not contributing to the money, and that was money that I had acquired after working."

"I also explained that if her mother had saved money for her, I would never ask for some of the money for Hannah."

"Alexa then looked to her father and said he should be keeping things fair between the girls."

"Alexa's mother also spoke up, saying John needed to handle this because it was not ok."

"Alexa's mother also said she would pay for the photographer and that John should at least pay for the venue."

"At this point,t I spoke up and said this seemed like it should be a discussion between John, Alexa, and her mother."

"I said I would be leaving and be back in an hour and asked Hannah and her fiancé if they'd like to come with me."

"The three of us went to get ice cream down the road."

"When I got home, John and I talked."

"He said Alexa is saying that if I don't give her half the money, then I'm no longer invited to the wedding."

"I told John I understood, and he also knows the money was transferred to Hannah's name."

"He's not angry with me and said he's upset with himself because he didn't think I'd be able to save that much through the years."

That is a lot to process, OP.

Reddit is clearly with you, though.

That was your money, that you worked for, therefore it's yours to do what you wish with.

Alexa and her parents are going to have to figure this out themselves.

You seem at peace with any outcome, though.

Good luck.