A person's fashion choices can be a statement.
But clothes don't have to send a message; they can just be seen as a necessity.
They can also be a war cry for self-expression and identity.
Who knew clothes could cause such battles?
Redditor sportsdad77 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his daughter's choice of fashion and his wife's dislike for it, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for telling my daughter that she doesn’t have to wear a dress for my wife’s sake?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (42 M[ale]) wife (41 F[emale]) and I have two daughters (13 F) - (11 F)."
"I have no idea what happened with our gene pool, but both of my daughters ended up wild as hell."
"They’re not truly happy unless they’re wrestling each other in the backyard, or throwing themselves off of high objects, or playing on their soccer team."
"Even now, they’re pretty much just non-stop energy."
"We always assumed that they were just tomboys and they’d grow out of it, but they’re getting to the age where that would start to be the case, and neither has shown any sign of slowing down or taking interest in more 'feminine' things."
"I’m fine with that."
"They are who they are, and honestly, it’s been pretty cool."
"They share a good chunk of my interests, and they still want to do everything with me."
"I know it’s been hard on my wife, though."
"She always thought they’d be her best friends when they got older, but they share almost no interests with her."
"They still love her so much, though, and they try to include her in their activities all the time."
"Recently, we got the news that there’s a dance coming up at my 13-year-old’s school."
"She’s decided that she wants to actually go to this one with her friends, but she just wants to wear a dress shirt and a tie."
"I thought it sounded fine."
"My wife, though, said that she needs to dress 'properly' for it since it’s semi-formal."
"Properly, for a little girl in our area, usually means a dress."
"Our daughter freaked out, said no."
"Second daughter freaked out on behalf of first daughter."
"And it turned into a whole thing of my wife going back and forth with them."
"At one point, she asked if my daughter could 'just give her this.'"
"Which honestly felt inappropriate to say to her."
"I finally intervened and said my daughter could wear whatever made her feel comfortable."
"My wife left."
"She waited until the girls were asleep to tell me how frustrated she was that I didn’t support her, and that we were supposed to present a united front."
"I told her I wasn’t going to force our kid to wear something for my wife’s sake, which pissed her off even more."
"Not sure if I went about things the right way, but I still feel pretty strongly that my daughter should be allowed to wear what she wants, and that if my wife is saying something stupid, I can point it out, like I would expect her to do for me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA - a dress shirt and tie IS semi-formal, your daughter isn't showing up in a hoodie, and 'just give me this one thing' is not a reason to make a 13-year-old uncomfortable in her own body at a school dance." ~ BrainttS
"Exactly. If the daughter wanted to go in jeans and a t-shirt and a hoodie, the parents would be correct to step in and say no."
"A dress code applies and should be followed."
"How a 13-year-old follows it is up to them, whether it’s a dress or pants."
"I would probably even give the mom a pass if she didn’t argue about the pants and suggested (but not enforced) more feminine but dress code appropriate shirts as potential alternatives to a plain button up and tie."
"Simply because the 13 might be thinking she can dress girly in a dress or dress in pants like the guys and not be aware of a non-girly yet more traditionally feminine middle ground they could consider." ~ Ok-Raspberry7884
"Katherine Hepburn made pantsuits fashionable for women nearly a century ago."
"Girls' dress slacks can be feminine and are easy to find."
"Or, there are more tailored slacks with less masculine shirts... I wonder if OP took her shopping and had an employee help picking things out, if Daughter would be willing to consider a wider variety of things."
"Dad seems safer in this situation, and Daughter can't disappoint Mom in the dressing room or feel pressured (and then dig in her heels as a reflex/punishment to Mom)."
"Mom is seriously in the wrong here, and I say this as a girly-girl raised by a woman who hates dresses."
"I understand the dynamic. NTA." ~ NotEasilyConfused
"NTA!! I was just like your daughter."
"In fact, I had an almost identical fight at 13 years old with my mom."
"Now, in my 40’s, I am well aware of the fact that I was never the daughter my mom actually wanted."
"Guess how good of a relationship we have?"
"Yeah, not great."
"And she still does not understand why we are not best friends like her friends and their daughters."
"Best friends like each other."
"And accept one another."
"You and your wife should be a united front, but asking your kids to change who they are when they are not doing anything bad is not the side to pick."
"Your girls are old enough to feel the disappointment."
"And having an adult be disappointed in you for just existing as who you are is a sure way to ruin the relationship." ~ Educational-Fan1267
"Oh, do I feel this!"
"And I hate that we had similar experiences."
"My 'issue' wasn’t that I wasn’t girly, it’s that I am the weirdo - the artsy one, the untraditional one."
"Mind you, I have a husband, house, kid, corporate job (in a creative field), so I’m really not that much of a freak, but I’m just outside the box enough that she doesn’t know what to do with me."
"And then wonders why we don’t have the relationship my best friend and her mom have. "
"OP, you may want to show your wife some of these before she does further damage." ~ ShinyPennyRvnclw
"NTA. As others have said, your wife really screwed up here."
"It is your daughter's dance, not your wife's."
"It almost felt like mom was trying to live vicariously through the kid."
"Big ick."
"Really myopic too — if mom had set her own baggage aside, she could have encouraged the girl to explore fashion from that side."
"There are various ways to tackle dress shirt and tie: solid color slacks and tie (black) paired with a patterned shirt has a lot of potential."
"Mom would have had a chance to go shopping with her daughter for that, maybe taken her to a tailor to get the outfit polished."
"Topped it off with accessories like a good belt and shoes/boots, maybe even some earrings, rings if the girl was up for it."
"It was an opportunity for your wife to be actually creative and learn how to adapt style to your daughters' preferences."
"Now, though, mom might have further put the kids off exploring fashion or dances at all."
"Truly sad." ~ MortimerShade
"NTA. It is not on your daughters to fill these kinds of expectations for their mother."
"They are their own people with their own interests, and she needs to accept them for who they are."
"They are both at the age where they are going to start pushing for their own autonomy, and it is for the parents to respect them as individuals and guide, but not dictate the process."
"Your wife may have had dreams about how things would be, but she does not have the right to try to force those dreams to be reality." ~ First_Pay702
"NTA. No, you do not force your daughter to dress up because YOU WANT it."
"Just give her this? No."
"I'm sorry she didn't get the perfect fantasy she made up about being a mom, but she has to see her daughters for the human beings they are, and if your daughter wants a dress shirt and pants, that is what she should wear."
"Maybe look into therapy for your wife to help navigate not forcing her 'expectations' like this, or it's just going to get worse as they get older." ~ angel9_writes
"NTA. That’s just old sexist bullsh*t." She can wear whatever she wants!"
"And if you two won’t stand proudly beside her, then let your wife know her love is conditional on a fu*king dress." ~ pearlthewhale24
"NTA and your wife need to work this out in therapy."
"They may never be her best friends."
"My mom and I are nothing alike."
"I love the sh*t out of her, but she is not my best friend."
"I think it makes her a little sad, but it’s reality. "
"Your wife needs to accept reality."
"This could even be a thing where your daughter just isn’t comfortable moving into dresses yet."
"She doesn’t have to be. But maybe ask if she wants to look at any dresses at all, just that it’s also okay to wear a suit if she wants to." ~ Trepenwitz
Reddit is very proudly with you, OP.
They appreciate you wanting your daughter to be who she is.
A child can't be somebody they aren't to make their parents feel better.
Your wife has a lot of soul-searching to do.
Good Luck.
