A person's fashion choices can be a statement.
But clothes don't have to send a message; they can just be seen as a necessity.
They can also be a war cry for self-expression and identity.
Who knew clothes could cause such battles?
Redditor sportsdad77 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his daughter's choice of fashion and his wife's dislike for it, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for telling my daughter that she doesn’t have to wear a dress for my wife’s sake?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (42 M[ale]) wife (41 F[emale]) and I have two daughters (13 F) - (11 F)."
"I have no idea what happened with our gene pool, but both of my daughters ended up wild as hell."
"They’re not truly happy unless they’re wrestling each other in the backyard, or throwing themselves off of high objects, or playing on their soccer team."
"Even now, they’re pretty much just non-stop energy."
"We always assumed that they were just tomboys and they’d grow out of it, but they’re getting to the age where that would start to be the case, and neither has shown any sign of slowing down or taking interest in more 'feminine' things."
"I’m fine with that."
"They are who they are, and honestly, it’s been pretty cool."
"They share a good chunk of my interests, and they still want to do everything with me."
"I know it’s been hard on my wife, though."
"She always thought they’d be her best friends when they got older, but they share almost no interests with her."
"They still love her so much, though, and they try to include her in their activities all the time."
"Recently, we got the news that there’s a dance coming up at my 13-year-old’s school."
"She’s decided that she wants to actually go to this one with her friends, but she just wants to wear a dress shirt and a tie."
"I thought it sounded fine."
"My wife, though, said that she needs to dress 'properly' for it since it’s semi-formal."
"Properly, for a little girl in our area, usually means a dress."
"Our daughter freaked out, said no."
"Second daughter freaked out on behalf of first daughter."
"And it turned into a whole thing of my wife going back and forth with them."
"At one point, she asked if my daughter could 'just give her this.'"
"Which honestly felt inappropriate to say to her."
"I finally intervened and said my daughter could wear whatever made her feel comfortable."
"My wife left."
"She waited until the girls were asleep to tell me how frustrated she was that I didn’t support her, and that we were supposed to present a united front."
"I told her I wasn’t going to force our kid to wear something for my wife’s sake, which pissed her off even more."
"Not sure if I went about things the right way, but I still feel pretty strongly that my daughter should be allowed to wear what she wants, and that if my wife is saying something stupid, I can point it out, like I would expect her to do for me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA - a dress shirt and tie IS semi-formal, your daughter isn't showing up in a hoodie, and 'just give me this one thing' is not a reason to make a 13-year-old uncomfortable in her own body at a school dance." ~ BrainttS
"Exactly. If the daughter wanted to go in jeans and a t-shirt and a hoodie, the parents would be correct to step in and say no."
"A dress code applies and should be followed."
"How a 13-year-old follows it is up to them, whether it’s a dress or pants."
"I would probably even give the mom a pass if she didn’t argue about the pants and suggested (but not enforced) more feminine but dress code appropriate shirts as potential alternatives to a plain button up and tie."
"Simply because the 13 might be thinking she can dress girly in a dress or dress in pants like the guys and not be aware of a non-girly yet more traditionally feminine middle ground they could consider." ~ Ok-Raspberry7884
"Katherine Hepburn made pantsuits fashionable for women nearly a century ago."
"Girls' dress slacks can be feminine and are easy to find."
"Or, there are more tailored slacks with less masculine shirts... I wonder if OP took her shopping and had an employee help picking things out, if Daughter would be willing to consider a wider variety of things."
"Dad seems safer in this situation, and Daughter can't disappoint Mom in the dressing room or feel pressured (and then dig in her heels as a reflex/punishment to Mom)."
"Mom is seriously in the wrong here, and I say this as a girly-girl raised by a woman who hates dresses."
"I understand the dynamic. NTA." ~ NotEasilyConfused
"NTA!! I was just like your daughter."
"In fact, I had an almost identical fight at 13 years old with my mom."
"Now, in my 40’s, I am well aware of the fact that I was never the daughter my mom actually wanted."
"Guess how good of a relationship we have?"
"Yeah, not great."
"And she still does not understand why we are not best friends like her friends and their daughters."
"Best friends like each other."
"And accept one another."
"You and your wife should be a united front, but asking your kids to change who they are when they are not doing anything bad is not the side to pick."
"Your girls are old enough to feel the disappointment."
"And having an adult be disappointed in you for just existing as who you are is a sure way to ruin the relationship." ~ Educational-Fan1267
"Oh, do I feel this!"
"And I hate that we had similar experiences."
"My 'issue' wasn’t that I wasn’t girly, it’s that I am the weirdo - the artsy one, the untraditional one."
"Mind you, I have a husband, house, kid, corporate job (in a creative field), so I’m really not that much of a freak, but I’m just outside the box enough that she doesn’t know what to do with me."
"And then wonders why we don’t have the relationship my best friend and her mom have. "
"OP, you may want to show your wife some of these before she does further damage." ~ ShinyPennyRvnclw
"NTA. As others have said, your wife really screwed up here."
"It is your daughter's dance, not your wife's."
"It almost felt like mom was trying to live vicariously through the kid."
"Big ick."
"Really myopic too — if mom had set her own baggage aside, she could have encouraged the girl to explore fashion from that side."
"There are various ways to tackle dress shirt and tie: solid color slacks and tie (black) paired with a patterned shirt has a lot of potential."
"Mom would have had a chance to go shopping with her daughter for that, maybe taken her to a tailor to get the outfit polished."
"Topped it off with accessories like a good belt and shoes/boots, maybe even some earrings, rings if the girl was up for it."
"It was an opportunity for your wife to be actually creative and learn how to adapt style to your daughters' preferences."
"Now, though, mom might have further put the kids off exploring fashion or dances at all."
"Truly sad." ~ MortimerShade
"NTA. It is not on your daughters to fill these kinds of expectations for their mother."
"They are their own people with their own interests, and she needs to accept them for who they are."
"They are both at the age where they are going to start pushing for their own autonomy, and it is for the parents to respect them as individuals and guide, but not dictate the process."
"Your wife may have had dreams about how things would be, but she does not have the right to try to force those dreams to be reality." ~ First_Pay702
"NTA. No, you do not force your daughter to dress up because YOU WANT it."
"Just give her this? No."
"I'm sorry she didn't get the perfect fantasy she made up about being a mom, but she has to see her daughters for the human beings they are, and if your daughter wants a dress shirt and pants, that is what she should wear."
"Maybe look into therapy for your wife to help navigate not forcing her 'expectations' like this, or it's just going to get worse as they get older." ~ angel9_writes
"NTA. That’s just old sexist bullsh*t." She can wear whatever she wants!"
"And if you two won’t stand proudly beside her, then let your wife know her love is conditional on a fu*king dress." ~ pearlthewhale24
"NTA and your wife need to work this out in therapy."
"They may never be her best friends."
"My mom and I are nothing alike."
"I love the sh*t out of her, but she is not my best friend."
"I think it makes her a little sad, but it’s reality. "
"Your wife needs to accept reality."
"This could even be a thing where your daughter just isn’t comfortable moving into dresses yet."
"She doesn’t have to be. But maybe ask if she wants to look at any dresses at all, just that it’s also okay to wear a suit if she wants to." ~ Trepenwitz
Reddit is very proudly with you, OP.
They appreciate you wanting your daughter to be who she is.
A child can't be somebody they aren't to make their parents feel better.
Your wife has a lot of soul-searching to do.
Good Luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.