A person's fashion choices can be a statement.
But clothes don't have to send a message; they can just be seen as a necessity.
They can also be a war cry for self-expression and identity.
Who knew clothes could cause such battles?
Redditor sportsdad77 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his daughter's choice of fashion and his wife's dislike for it, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for telling my daughter that she doesn’t have to wear a dress for my wife’s sake?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (42 M[ale]) wife (41 F[emale]) and I have two daughters (13 F) - (11 F)."
"I have no idea what happened with our gene pool, but both of my daughters ended up wild as hell."
"They’re not truly happy unless they’re wrestling each other in the backyard, or throwing themselves off of high objects, or playing on their soccer team."
"Even now, they’re pretty much just non-stop energy."
"We always assumed that they were just tomboys and they’d grow out of it, but they’re getting to the age where that would start to be the case, and neither has shown any sign of slowing down or taking interest in more 'feminine' things."
"I’m fine with that."
"They are who they are, and honestly, it’s been pretty cool."
"They share a good chunk of my interests, and they still want to do everything with me."
"I know it’s been hard on my wife, though."
"She always thought they’d be her best friends when they got older, but they share almost no interests with her."
"They still love her so much, though, and they try to include her in their activities all the time."
"Recently, we got the news that there’s a dance coming up at my 13-year-old’s school."
"She’s decided that she wants to actually go to this one with her friends, but she just wants to wear a dress shirt and a tie."
"I thought it sounded fine."
"My wife, though, said that she needs to dress 'properly' for it since it’s semi-formal."
"Properly, for a little girl in our area, usually means a dress."
"Our daughter freaked out, said no."
"Second daughter freaked out on behalf of first daughter."
"And it turned into a whole thing of my wife going back and forth with them."
"At one point, she asked if my daughter could 'just give her this.'"
"Which honestly felt inappropriate to say to her."
"I finally intervened and said my daughter could wear whatever made her feel comfortable."
"My wife left."
"She waited until the girls were asleep to tell me how frustrated she was that I didn’t support her, and that we were supposed to present a united front."
"I told her I wasn’t going to force our kid to wear something for my wife’s sake, which pissed her off even more."
"Not sure if I went about things the right way, but I still feel pretty strongly that my daughter should be allowed to wear what she wants, and that if my wife is saying something stupid, I can point it out, like I would expect her to do for me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA - a dress shirt and tie IS semi-formal, your daughter isn't showing up in a hoodie, and 'just give me this one thing' is not a reason to make a 13-year-old uncomfortable in her own body at a school dance." ~ BrainttS
"Exactly. If the daughter wanted to go in jeans and a t-shirt and a hoodie, the parents would be correct to step in and say no."
"A dress code applies and should be followed."
"How a 13-year-old follows it is up to them, whether it’s a dress or pants."
"I would probably even give the mom a pass if she didn’t argue about the pants and suggested (but not enforced) more feminine but dress code appropriate shirts as potential alternatives to a plain button up and tie."
"Simply because the 13 might be thinking she can dress girly in a dress or dress in pants like the guys and not be aware of a non-girly yet more traditionally feminine middle ground they could consider." ~ Ok-Raspberry7884
"Katherine Hepburn made pantsuits fashionable for women nearly a century ago."
"Girls' dress slacks can be feminine and are easy to find."
"Or, there are more tailored slacks with less masculine shirts... I wonder if OP took her shopping and had an employee help picking things out, if Daughter would be willing to consider a wider variety of things."
"Dad seems safer in this situation, and Daughter can't disappoint Mom in the dressing room or feel pressured (and then dig in her heels as a reflex/punishment to Mom)."
"Mom is seriously in the wrong here, and I say this as a girly-girl raised by a woman who hates dresses."
"I understand the dynamic. NTA." ~ NotEasilyConfused
"NTA!! I was just like your daughter."
"In fact, I had an almost identical fight at 13 years old with my mom."
"Now, in my 40’s, I am well aware of the fact that I was never the daughter my mom actually wanted."
"Guess how good of a relationship we have?"
"Yeah, not great."
"And she still does not understand why we are not best friends like her friends and their daughters."
"Best friends like each other."
"And accept one another."
"You and your wife should be a united front, but asking your kids to change who they are when they are not doing anything bad is not the side to pick."
"Your girls are old enough to feel the disappointment."
"And having an adult be disappointed in you for just existing as who you are is a sure way to ruin the relationship." ~ Educational-Fan1267
"Oh, do I feel this!"
"And I hate that we had similar experiences."
"My 'issue' wasn’t that I wasn’t girly, it’s that I am the weirdo - the artsy one, the untraditional one."
"Mind you, I have a husband, house, kid, corporate job (in a creative field), so I’m really not that much of a freak, but I’m just outside the box enough that she doesn’t know what to do with me."
"And then wonders why we don’t have the relationship my best friend and her mom have. "
"OP, you may want to show your wife some of these before she does further damage." ~ ShinyPennyRvnclw
"NTA. As others have said, your wife really screwed up here."
"It is your daughter's dance, not your wife's."
"It almost felt like mom was trying to live vicariously through the kid."
"Big ick."
"Really myopic too — if mom had set her own baggage aside, she could have encouraged the girl to explore fashion from that side."
"There are various ways to tackle dress shirt and tie: solid color slacks and tie (black) paired with a patterned shirt has a lot of potential."
"Mom would have had a chance to go shopping with her daughter for that, maybe taken her to a tailor to get the outfit polished."
"Topped it off with accessories like a good belt and shoes/boots, maybe even some earrings, rings if the girl was up for it."
"It was an opportunity for your wife to be actually creative and learn how to adapt style to your daughters' preferences."
"Now, though, mom might have further put the kids off exploring fashion or dances at all."
"Truly sad." ~ MortimerShade
"NTA. It is not on your daughters to fill these kinds of expectations for their mother."
"They are their own people with their own interests, and she needs to accept them for who they are."
"They are both at the age where they are going to start pushing for their own autonomy, and it is for the parents to respect them as individuals and guide, but not dictate the process."
"Your wife may have had dreams about how things would be, but she does not have the right to try to force those dreams to be reality." ~ First_Pay702
"NTA. No, you do not force your daughter to dress up because YOU WANT it."
"Just give her this? No."
"I'm sorry she didn't get the perfect fantasy she made up about being a mom, but she has to see her daughters for the human beings they are, and if your daughter wants a dress shirt and pants, that is what she should wear."
"Maybe look into therapy for your wife to help navigate not forcing her 'expectations' like this, or it's just going to get worse as they get older." ~ angel9_writes
"NTA. That’s just old sexist bullsh*t." She can wear whatever she wants!"
"And if you two won’t stand proudly beside her, then let your wife know her love is conditional on a fu*king dress." ~ pearlthewhale24
"NTA and your wife need to work this out in therapy."
"They may never be her best friends."
"My mom and I are nothing alike."
"I love the sh*t out of her, but she is not my best friend."
"I think it makes her a little sad, but it’s reality. "
"Your wife needs to accept reality."
"This could even be a thing where your daughter just isn’t comfortable moving into dresses yet."
"She doesn’t have to be. But maybe ask if she wants to look at any dresses at all, just that it’s also okay to wear a suit if she wants to." ~ Trepenwitz
Reddit is very proudly with you, OP.
They appreciate you wanting your daughter to be who she is.
A child can't be somebody they aren't to make their parents feel better.
Your wife has a lot of soul-searching to do.
Good Luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.