Content Warning: Depression, Mental Health, Sex Life, Dead Bedroom
Physical intimacy, to varying degrees, is vital to the health of a relationship, and for some people, its absence or lack is a deal breaker.
But there can be extenuating circumstances, like illness, during which physical intimacy may not be forever lost so much as put on pause, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
For three years, Redditor DghSenses struggled with his mental health while his wife took care of him, their children, and their home. On the few occasions he attempted to initiate intimacy, she declined.
Once he began to feel like his old self again and they became active again, the Original Poster (OP) was still so hurt that his wife had declined during his depression that he considered leaving her.
He asked the sub:
“My wife did not have sex with me for three years while I was depressed. AITAH for considering leaving her now that I’m back to normal?”
The OP went through a three-year depression alongside his wife and children.
“My wife (34 Female) and I (34 Male) have been married for nine years, together for 14, and we have two children.”
“Long story short, prior to this year, I was depressed. This period lasted for almost three years and was a culmination of various things (my best friend dying, work stress, and life in general).”
“During this time period, I did not have sex with my wife even once. My libido had drastically decreased, but whenever I did initiate, my wife said she wasn’t in the mood and wasn’t feeling attracted to me.”
“That really hurt me and was also probably another of the causes of my depression.”
When the OP started to feel better, the rest of his life improved.
“However, starting this year, I made a resolution to improve my life outlook whatever necessary, and at least fake it till I make it. I started going out more, going back to the gym again (I was a gym addict before I was depressed), and had a more positive outlook on life.”
“It’s been almost nine months now, and I can say I’m the fittest I’ve ever been, because I really slog it out at the gym and take out all my frustrations there. I am also generally much happier, and have a very active life.”
“My sex life has also drastically improved, and we have sex frequently.”
The OP still felt conflicted about what had happened while he was depressed.
“However, that is the only thing that really bothers me. While the sex is great, I don’t feel any emotion or love for my wife. I still feel very hurt that my wife rejected me for years and told me many times she was not attracted to me.”
“Would I be the AH for considering leaving her now that I have my life in order? I don’t think my wife stuck with me at my lowest, and that has severely impacted my love for her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some insisted that the OP was not only the AH but also delusional.
“Not only are you YTA but you are also YAD (you are delusional).” – 3Dcatbutt
“She stuck with you the whole time you were depressed and you DON’T think she stuck with you? Sir, this is delusional.” – 6bubbles
“She stuck with you during your depression and the only thing you’re focusing on is sex. So you really only see her as a bang maid. Hope she finds someone else.” – asula_mez
“Depression does not disappear. You are in remission and feeling euphoric for it, hence your warped belief that you will be feeling the same away from your loving family.”
“You have a good thing going and that’s your best road to long-term recovery. Don’t f**k it up, look forward, and build a better future together.” – aquaporinz
“YTA. I’ve been on the receiving end of a wife trying to be there for a depressed spouse. He’s go weeks on end without showering or brushing his teeth and I was sick of smelling him and taking care of him after so long. What really ruined me was the constant rejection. It’s never left me, to be honest.”
“I’m glad that you’re doing better but I’d hope you’d seek marital counseling before throwing in the towel as she stood by your side while you were in the trenches.” – ScaredVacation33
Others agreed and pointed out the OP may have not been the easiest to be intimate with.
“So, I have a question. What were you like when you were depressed? Did you help with the kids, chores, daily life? Was all the stress on your wife?”
“Because if the answer is no to any of those things and yes to the last, YTA. I’ve lived with a depressed person. They are NOT the only ones who struggle. Your depression affected ALL of them.”
“I think it’s very sad you can’t see what she was going through and she might’ve been too tired, too stressed, and too burnt out to WANT to f**k you.”
“What about the stress SHE was going through trying to support you or take things off YOUR plate?”
“You got yourself right. Are you helping again? Because sounds like she got her partner back.”
“Go to therapy with her. Because to divorce her now that you’re ‘in a better place’ is SELFISH. She stood by you, so f**king stand by her.” – throwitaway3857
“Also, HOW WAS YOUR HYGIENE while you were seriously depressed? Not a judgment thing but there is a tendency for very depressed people to not shower or brush their teeth.”
“Like, were you going three days without a shower and expecting to put it in when it wasn’t clean? Or be kissing with bad breath and scummy teeth?”
“I’ve been depressed to the point of poor self-care, so if you were at that point, I do get it, but decent hygiene is a basic consideration where sex is involved.” – Just-Persimmon4896
“Having also lived with a depressed person, they can be a shadow of the person you knew; whole chunks of their personality are missing. The wife might not have been attracted to OP because because he was a low-energy, easily angry, stranger.” – Specialist-Limit-998
“YTA. I deal with chronic, severe clinical depression that impacts every part of my life, and my husband of also of nine years has to pick up the slack when I’m in the depths of it. I know that I am not particularly attractive to him during those periods, not just physically but because I can be really bitter, sleep a lot, decreased hygiene habits.”
“What do you mean your wife didn’t stick with you? Don’t you have kids? Who was taking care of them when you were at your lowest? Who was keeping the house in order? Who was ensuring you had the space to feel like shit? YOU SAID your libido drastically decreased but what, she was supposed to be in the mood at YOUR whim? Depression isn’t sexy. She’s still there. What an AH.” – colinfirthfanfiction
“You honestly sound like a piece of s**t! She stuck with you, more than likely doing everything on her own while you were there being ‘depressed.'”
“You more than likely didn’t care how things got down, how the kids were taken care of, how your wife felt, what she went through… She did stick with you.”
“But it seems like you’re not sticking with her! You don’t know if she was depressed too! But even when a woman is sick or mentally and emotionally exhausted, touched out… whatever, so often, we still have to get up and do the work! Especially when it comes to raising and caring for kids.”
“You’re an ungrateful piece of s**t! And YTA.” – NoSpare3128
Some also argued that the OP’s wife had stayed with him through the hard times.
“YTA. It sounds to me like your wife honored the vows she made and stood by you in sickness or health, all the while remaining true to herself. She’s a standup woman. Would you have rather her keep quiet and put out, diminishing her mental health in the process?”
“I don’t think you realize just how many people cheat or leave as soon as their partner stops benefiting them. She could have done both adding to your poor mental health.”
“And let’s be real, had she kicked you to the curb, you wouldn’t be here writing this post. You’d be in some dark corner at Denny’s eating your feelings away.”
“Get a grip, OP, and also go get some adequate mental health support because you risk going down the rabbit hole again.” – Du11Perspective
“Respectfully, pull your head out of your a**.”
“She stayed with you and took care of the kids for THREE YEARS of your depression. Of course, she didn’t want to have sex with you. She was carrying you and your sh*t. That doesn’t make for a high libido.”
“Now that you’re better, it’s your turn to help her heal from the shit she went through for you.” – DryChampionship1784
“I had depression a few years ago. I’m ‘OK’ now (thank god for therapists and pills) and I look back… Oh my f**king god, was I selfish. And I know I shouldn’t talk to myself like that, but f**k, I would slap my unbearable self-centered past self if I could.”
“So yeah, depression can affect people around, like, a lot. And then there’s the irony of being depressed and thinking you’re ‘saving’ others from your shit when in reality they are the ones saving you in ways you don’t even notice.”
“If someone stuck around you being depressed, make sure you take care of your relationship with that person.” – Usermctaken
“My husband went through severe PTSD for a couple of years, and was even hospitalized briefly for it. Then took months to sort out medications to help him when he was the LEAST likely person to take medication. It was HARD to go through that with him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“But we’re on the other side of it now and better than ever. But it’s impossible to have a partner with severe mental health issues and NOT have it deeply affect you as well.”
“I wonder how his wife handled his three years of depression and how it affected her. She stuck by him and likely was part of his recovery process, whether he credits her with it or not. She seems worth the time to re-invest in the relationship and try to rebuild the marriage.” – Potential-Pomelo3567
“Your wife stayed with you during the three years you were depressed. Maybe you don’t see the whole picture, and it was tough for her to manage the household while you needed time. Maybe she was just exhausted by taking care of you.”
“Talk to her, be vulnerable, and get her perspective on those three years and why she ‘shut you down’ before making any decisions.” – euclideincalgary
While the subReddit could understand feeling rejected, they were critical of the OP potentially throwing away a whole marriage and family because of it, especially during such a complicated time as a lengthy depressive episode.
It was clear to them that the OP needed to reflect on how he treated his wife during those three years, how much responsibility had been left to her, and how realistic it was for him to expect physical intimacy from her during that time.
After fully reflecting and also hearing his wife’s side of the story, the OP could make a decision, but jumping straight to a decision now would not be a good plan.