Wedding planning is already stressful enough.
But add in a tragic and complicated engagement history, and things can take an uncomfortable turn.
Combined with a lack of communication, it’s all a recipe for disaster.
Redditor AndrewJun2008 recently encountered this very issue with his fiancée, so he turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to see if he was in the wrong.
He asked:
“AITA for my reaction after my fiancée sent out our wedding invitations without my consent?”
The original poster (OP) explained his fiancée was previously engaged, but he wasn’t exactly clued in about it.
“I M(ale)30 met my now fiancée F(emale)28 3 years ago. She was previously engaged to her late fiancé who passed away 3 weeks before the wedding, unexpectedly.”
“He had a good relationship with her family and they bring him up from time to time. But not much.”
“Surprisingly, I know nothing about this guy. My fiancée never talks about him for some reason although I always encourage her to remember good, happy moments.”
“She’d go radio silence whenever her family mention him.”
Once the subject of setting a wedding date came up, things went south.
“Anyways we didn’t have any issues until my fiancée and I started planning for our wedding. She suggested a specific date. And I had several reasons to not agree.”
“One of them is that my mom is recovering from a major surgery and since she’s my remaining family I want her there with me.”
“My fiancée kept insisting and refused to compromise. I took a few days to calm down so we can discuss this again.”
The OP was stunned to find out his fiancée had gone ahead and sent out invitations with the date she wanted—for a very personal reason.
“But I was surprised when Justin, my brother-in-law contacted me saying his sister’s been sending out invitations with the date she picked and almost everyone in her family received one.”
“He then told me the reason his sister insisted on this specific date is because this was the exact date she and her late fiancé were going to get married but it didn’t happen.”
“I was stunned. That was a f**ked up discovery.”
“What’s worse is that her entire family knows and none of ’em mentioned it. Yup. More f**kedup-ness.”
“I never knew about that. Although we had plenty of heart to heart together.”
So the OP confronted her.
“I was upset I confronted her and she defended herself saying she didn’t think it’d matter if I knew this is the date when she and her late fiancé were getting married.”
“I said it matters to me. And she shouldn’t send out invitations without even telling me. Told her to fix it since it’s her family who got the invitations.”
“But she said I was being unreasonable, that she too gets a say as much as I do. That she already went ahead and made reservations on that date.”
“I argued that I was backing out of wedding planning since she keeps insisting on that specific date.
The OP ended up postponing the wedding, and is now getting criticized for doing so.
“I ended up sending everyone who received an invitation an email stating that the wedding is officially postponed. I didn’t give the real reason why but I did apologize.”
“She let everyone know and everyone (except Justin) been criticizing my stance calling me ridiculous and inconsiderate to postpone for a pathetic reason like that.”
“Some even claimed I was being a godd*mn groomzilla for not just going with the flow. I just.. it didn’t feel right.”
“I kept thinking about how our wedding anniversary will be a constant reminder for my fiancée about her late fiancé for years to come if I give in and agree on this date. I subconsciously hated it.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They assured the OP his fiancée’s decision was selfish and he had every right to be upset.
“I’m sorry but that is pretty low on her part.”
“She isn’t seeing you or marrying you. She is marrying a ghost.”
“Run! You are not the a**hole.”—ParentalUnit1
“I was going to say pretty much the same thing.”
“She never fully grieved, nor accepted the loss. My hubby passed away 23 months ago. I am in no shape to even date.”
“She truly needs some therapy. I can sympathize with the fiancee. However, she basically jumped into a relationship.”
“That might have been her way to cope. But it’s not fair to OP, or even to herself.”
“Also, she has zero consideration for OP. To send out invites after he said he didn’t want that date was low and extremely disrespectful.”
“OP wants his mom, his only family, there. Completely understandable.”
“If she truly cared about him, she would have understood and stopped pushing the date. Instead she just did what she wanted.”
“Instead of having a wedding, she should do some type of memorial, like maybe a balloon release. She needs closure.”
“OP, you’re definitely NTA. Please do not let anyone guilt you. I know it’s hard because you love your fiancee, but you both need to take a step back and reevaluate.”
“You deserve to be loved for you. You deserve to be happy. I wish you nothing but the best.”—BooBooKittyKat1
“NTA. It sounds like your fiancée hasn’t grieved properly for her dead fiancé, and isn’t ready to move on.”
“She’s using you as a fill-in. Postpone getting married until she gets some much needed therapy.”—ButterSunflower
Some even suggested the OP call the wedding off completely.
“NTA. Cancel the wedding. She’s simply awful.”
“And don’t make it about the fact that it’s her wedding date with her ex. Simply repeat to anyone who asks that she disregarded your wishes to pick a date your mother could attend and sent out the invitations anyway.”
“You don’t get to treat someone like that. She doesn’t deserve a life partner at this stage.”—shestammie
“Agreed. While her insisting it had to be her late fiancé and her wedding date while purposely hiding that fact (lets be honest) is a big red flag, what’s more concerning is that she blew off the OP so casually.”
“She has ‘as much say as he does’? Apparently he has no say so now neither does she in regards to their postponed nuptials.”
“NTA and I hope the OP seriously rethinks this relationship unless she agrees to some serious counseling.”—Heart_and_Vine
“NTA and the wedding needs to be *canceled*, not just postponed.”
“Never marry someone who sends out wedding invitations without clearing it with you first, especially when you had already specifically told her that date was a no.”—the_last_basselope
“NTA sorry mate but soviet Russia called and they want their red flags back. I reckon you’ve got some thinking to do.”—magicalme79
The OP has yet to update Reddit as to any new developments, but it certainly seems like he has a lot to consider about the future of his relationship.