It’s funny how people who do terrible things try to make those they’ve hurt into villains when they hold them accountable for their actions.
A cheater isn’t suddenly innocent when their former partner reveals that they cheated, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Longjumping-Cat-7751 was deeply in love with his wife and was terribly hurt when she revealed she had been having an affair with a guy from work for nearly a year.
But when he revealed she’d had an affair and it impacted her career, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how everyone criticized him for ruining his ex-wife’s, the cheater’s, life.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for ruining my soon-to-be ex-wife’s life?”
The OP was shocked when his wife told him about the affair she was having.
“I have been with my wife for the past six years. I loved her a lot; she has always been my top priority.”
“Three months ago, my wife came to me and confessed that she’s been having an affair with her coworker for the past eight months and that she wanted a divorce because she fell out of love with me.”
“We both decided that we would have an amicable divorce since we both have pre-nup. No matter what the reason is, neither of us is entitled to any support or alimony and we both keep our assets.”
“I had also agreed to not reveal the true nature of the divorce to protect her reputation.”
During a vulnerable moment, the OP revealed the truth behind the divorce.
“I was depressed. I loved this woman, and she was just out there with some other man.”
“I am going through counseling, and I have become an alcoholic.”
“Almost 10 days ago, I got far too drunk and my emotions got the best of me, and I sent a text to our group chat. Everyone thought we were divorcing because the marriage was not working out, but I revealed the truth to everyone, I explained how my wife hurt and betrayed me, and how she wanted to hide it.”
There were immediate consequences.
“Somehow, the word got to her workplace and because of the drama, she and her lover got fired.”
“Now she’s blaming me that not only did I ruin her career, I also humiliated her and didn’t stick to the agreement and I was impulsive.”
“I said, ‘You were the one who ruined me and cheated on me.'”
“She kept ranting in her anger and said she was gonna take me to court.”
“I said, ‘Go ahead but get a job first.'”
“I think it p**sed her and her family off, and now everyone is blaming me for ruining her life. Her friends and family are saying that I’m a pathetic man and I couldn’t get over the fact that my wife was leaving me, so I ruined her life.”
“The only one in her family who comforted me is her cousin. She checks up on me regularly and helps me. I have always been close to her; she’s like a sister to me and always has been there for me even before I got married. If I cry, she comforts me. I told her that I pray her boyfriend will be loyal to her and never hurt her, but if she is struggling, I will help her.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“Am I the a**hole here for not sticking to what we agreed upon?”
“I really didn’t want to hurt her. I loved her, so I kept quiet, but I made a mistake, and I regret it and also think on the other hand that I shouldn’t have covered it up for her, but what’s done is done.”
“I cannot change the past and definitely can’t trust my love with my life because she is in love with someone else now.”
“I never wanted revenge or anything like that, I just made a mistake when I was drunk. If she’s hurt because everyone now knows the truth, then imagine how hurt I would be when I found out that my love betrayed me for months.”
“If It was a mistake, I would help and never leave her but she simply didn’t care about me. I feel like I should have told everyone the truth instead of helping my cheating wife hide it from everyone.”
“Also if she didn’t cheat on me and simply told me she wanted a divorce, I would’ve taken it well instead of getting depressed.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he didn’t ruin his ex’s life; she did.
“NTA. She cheated on you and expected you to just suck it up and keep quiet entirely for her benefit? I don’t think I’d have agreed to that in the first place. The fact is that, even though you broke this one-sided agreement, you did so because of the emotional state her actions put you in.”
“It doesn’t matter what her family thinks of you: they are always going to take her side, but they are no longer a part of your life you have to take into account.” – Turmeric_Ping
“You didn’t make a mistake. By manipulating you into keeping silent, she blocked you from getting the support you need from your friends. Your grief and pain made you get the support and care you need.”
“Don’t let your narcissistic, abusive ex-wife continue to manipulate you into thinking you are in the wrong and that she is the victim. She got exactly what she deserved.” – Neonpinx
“She is the AH. You dealt with the hurt and her lies, and as it built up, you realized SHE was the AH, and instant karma-ed her. Life’s a b***h.”
“She wanted to hide what an AH she was, and used you to hide her shame. She’s a grown woman and should know that s**t has consequences. She does now. If she had any morals or compassion, she would have told you she was not in love with you anymore, and THEN snagged her coworker, who is also an AH.” – NoFlatworm3028
“She tricked you into keeping quiet after cheating on you for eight months. After eight months of lying and betrayal, she now believes that she is the victim since others are aware of her true nature.”
“Since she and other cheats are self-centered narcissists who find nothing wrong with their abusive behavior, she does not care about the pain and anguish she caused you. Her family has encouraged her conceit.”
“When you are the one she damaged and betrayed, she tricked you into believing it was a friendly divorce. She promised to be dependable for you yet broke that promise. Although she was lying to everyone, you told the truth. NTA.” – Content_Tough3842
“Stop beating yourself up. There are normally workplace rules about not getting romantically involved with your co-workers. You have to request for a transfer to avoid conflicts of interest. Or doing something stupid like charging their romantic (sorry, I mean cheating) expenses as business-related expenses.”
“That is most likely why both got fired and then found it difficult to find new jobs. If they were let go because of the fear of scandal, they would have ‘resigned on their own accord.'” – No_Cockroach4248
“NTA. You told the truth.”
“And as long as neither of you drag it out in court aka have an amicable divorce you are holding to your word.”
“What you do regarding telling people around you why you are divorcing is to each their own. But People now know she’s a liar and a cheat. And to be honest you need people to be there for you to have that shoulder to cry on etc.”
“If that got back to her employer and they fired her for it Likely there’s other things going on that have made that happen of her own doing. And now that you are divorcing it ain’t your problem.” – crestedgeckovivi
“You did not ruin her life, she did.”
“1. She had an affair with a coworker. I’m guessing she knew this could jeopardize her career if it came out, but she did it anyway. That was her choice.”
“2. She had an affair rather than ending your marriage amicably or working on your marriage if she was unhappy. She knew it was a horrible thing to do, but she did it anyway. That was her choice.”
“3. She decided to lie about why you were divorcing. The truth would have come out eventually anyway, but she didn’t want people to know. She made that choice because she knew that what she’s done was wrong.”
“All this is a direct result of her choices. If she doesn’t think she’s wrong, why didn’t she proudly tell the world that her marriage was ending because she is a cheat? Before you said anything, she could avoid any major consequences to what she did, but now she has to face the reality of what she’s done and deal with the negative consequences; she was more than happy when her choices only created negative consequences for you.”
“She made her cheating bed, and now she must lie in it. It’s that simple. You did not ruin anything. You reacted to a horrible situation and aired out her truth. The fact that the truth is harmful to her is because what she did was rotten.” – Buttered_Crumpet09
But a few were a little weirded out by the aside about the ex’s cousin.
“OP, I hate to be critical, but… You’re being weird about the cousin.” – ShiftySauce
“I felt like the cousin was a weird addition to the post that would appear in an update with, ‘We never meant it to happen., but…’ Be careful, OP.” – 3Dog_Nitz
“OP, all I have to say is, be careful with the cousin.” – Office329
“OP, I’m glad you have the cousin in your support group. She’s an angel for being there for you. But please don’t misinterpret her kindness as a romantic interest. I’d cut ties with your ex’s family, at least romantically.” – Q1237886
The subreddit empathized with what the OP had gone through and reassured him that he had done nothing wrong by revealing the truth behind the divorce, even if he’d promised to keep it quiet.
If the wife didn’t want her reputation ruined, she probably should have skipped having an affair.
That said, however, the subReddit also cautioned the OP to think clearly about where he drew support.
It might be okay to be close to the ex-wife’s cousin, but accepting support should be where it stops, at least for now.