Content Warning: Discussions of sex and orgasm
There are two things that will dampen and potentially ruin a relationship more than anything else: money and sex.
Like understanding that a person can better thrive when they feel financially secure, a person should also understand that they and their partner’s needs should both be met, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
While listening to their mutual friends talking, Redditor aitahthrowaway2 admitted to her husband’s friends that her husband had never helped her reach a climax during their time together.
When her husband lashed out at her for humiliating him, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she had overshared.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for admitting in front of all of my husband’s friends that I’ve never had an orgasm?”
The OP confessed how things were really going in the bedroom.
“Recently was my husband’s friend’s birthday party. It was a bigger party, and all my husband’s friends and their wives (our mutual friends) were there. No kids.”
“One woman that I’m friendly with was annoyed with her husband and joked, ‘Men. If they didn’t get us off, why would we keep them?’ And she laughed.”
“I awkwardly laughed, but I guess I looked uncomfortable.”
“She asked me what was up, and she pointed out that I made a weird face.”
“I said, ‘I’ve just never had an orgasm before, so I guess I can’t relate.'”
“Almost a dozen people looked at me when I said that, and it was super awkward. The wife then awkwardly asked, ‘Is everything okay down there?'”
“I said, ‘Yeah, I’ve just never had anyone try, I guess.'”
The OP’s husband was humiliated.
“For the next ten minutes, all my husband’s friends took turns insulting him in various ways.”
“Many women talked about how they’d never be married to someone who didn’t get the job done.”
“My husband made us leave early.”
“When we got home, he lectured me about how I humiliated him.”
“I pointed out that she asked, and I have a tendency to be honest.”
The OP was indignant.
“He’s been really upset the last several days, and he keeps saying he can’t talk to his friends because they now think badly of him.”
“I’ve brought the issue up countless times in the past.”
“He’s just told me that it’s not important and not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off.”
“Since it’s not that important, I don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.”
“AITAH for being honest here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted that the OP’s husband never prioritized her needs.
“Holy s**t! Your significant other said, ‘He’s just told me that it’s not important and not a big deal that he doesn’t get me off.’……..”
“That’s nuts. I would feel like a failure is a lover. I’m sorry.” – emilgustoff
“My gran was a bit of a prude, but even she told me (when I was 16, mind you, so not too early), ‘If he hasn’t got time to make sure you are taken care of and enjoy everything first, then he hasn’t got time for sex at all.'”
“NTA. But your husband’s friend’s wives are right.” – nopenothappening99
“OP should just institute a me-first policy during sex. So he doesn’t get to have an orgasm until she’s had one. So no intercourse till he’s made sure she’s orgasmed by outercourse.” – life1sart
“It’s the lack of care and him telling her it’s not a big deal! I think the next time he wants to ask him why it’s so important since having an O isn’t a big deal?” – Wonderful-Set6647
“The number of guys who don’t understand foreplay is unreal.”
“One guy just would not listen. I kept telling him, ‘Kiss my neck, bite my neck, etc.,’ and we would make out for half an hour and he’d try to get straight to the action.”
“I finally drew a diagram of my torso, neck, and head, with lines over the head, breasts, and down there, and said, ‘I want you to pretend those three spots flat out do not exist until you’ve SLOWLY kissed everywhere else,’ and I then proceeded to have one of the best orgasms of my LIFE.”
“The OP’s husband needs to WAKE UP.” – Throwaway_Consoles
“Could I be with someone who hadn’t yet given me an orgasm? Sure! Could I be with someone who doesn’t bother trying and doesn’t even think enough of me or my needs that ‘it’s not important if he gets me off’? F**k no. This is a WAY bigger issue than the lack of orgasm.” – WithoutDennisNedry
“In my honest opinion, nothing hotter than when the woman (date, girlfriend, wife, whatever) comes to you wanting/needing sex. When she is hooked on you, not just as a friend/partner, but also for sex.”
“But for that to happen, you gotta get her off. Really, it isn’t that hard. If, like OP comments, penetration doesn’t work for her, get her off during foreplay (this’ll also make the sex better in most cases).”
“OP should apologize to her husband for making him feel bad but then refuse sex from then on out. Because if she owes him an apology for her honesty, HE owes her hundreds of apologies for his lack of performance before she should even think of letting him get pleasure from her body again.” – Educational_Ebb7175
Others sided with the OP but were conflicted about her embarrassing her husband.
“I was going to say she’s the a**hole until I got to the last paragraph.”
“The OP said, ‘Since it’s not that important, I just don’t see why I have to hide it like some kind of dirty secret.'”
“100%. If he doesn’t care, if he’s not embarrassed about making zero effort for his partner, why should she?” – jewlophile
“His friends think badly of him because he is behaving badly. A party was not exactly the right time and place to bring it up, but it sounds like you’ve brought it up the ‘right’ way before now with no change from him.”
“NTA, but I would stop having any sex with this man who can’t even offer you a good-faith attempt. He sees your needs as less important than his. He doesn’t even put the bare minimum in. You should look around at everyone’s response to this and realize it is a big deal.” – wylderpixie
“I don’t like all the NTA; I don’t see a case in which it’s ever okay to humiliate your partner about their performance in the bedroom. Just because one person’s being a total d*ckhead doesn’t make it okay for the other one to.” – HotdogWater42069
“I was going to say, she knew this would embarrass him. And he’s ignoring her needs and she’s clearly frustrated.”
“This doesn’t sound like a happy marriage. It sounds like ‘I married the first person I met’ marriage.”
“I would rather punch myself in the balls than embarrass my significant other like that. If there is an issue, we can argue about it in private.”
“OP, imagine if he told everyone at the party he doesn’t find you attractive. You wouldn’t be a happy camper, would you?” – unk214
“He doesn’t care if she orgasms, and she chose to humiliate him about their sex life publicly. Not sure how there are so many people in this thread saying she didn’t do anything wrong.” – MaizeNBlueWaffle
“The post is dripping with resentment. I’m surprised more people aren’t commenting on it. I feel bad that the husband doesn’t seem interested in a fulfilling sexual relationship for both people, but the resentment and contempt will be what sinks the relationship.” – Runningaround321
“There are two unfulfilled people in that marriage. And we can blame the husband for not trying hard enough but I think at some point the guy understandably gave up. How could he possibly get her in the mood to let go of her inhibitions enough to even begin the process of bringing her to an orgasm? In her mind, it’s just a concept. She doesn’t know how even to let her husband know he’s on the right track. How could she?”
“So instead of concluding that the husband is a man who doesn’t care about his wife’s desires, I think it’s far more likely that the guy has already tried everything he knows and got nowhere. So he gave up trying.” – sellmeyourmodaccount
“Like, it’s absolutely not okay for the husband to not care if the wife orgasms, but shaming her husband out of spite isn’t it either. I don’t get why they’re married.” – ihavenoidea385
“I think you should examine your relationship and decide if you want to remain married to this person. Obviously, we aren’t there to see all interactions, but here is what I got out of your post.”
“1. Your husband has never given you an orgasm.”
“2. Even more importantly than #1 he doesn’t think this matters.”
“3. You made a decision to publicly embarrass him for being inconsiderate of your sexual needs.”
“These are not the behaviors of a loving couple in a partnership. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.” – Ok-Cheetah-9125
The subReddit was shocked over the OP’s confession, as well as her husband’s seeming unwillingness to help her meet her needs in the bedroom.
However, some thought the situation was more complicated than meeting needs. Humiliating her husband might have been a sign of less what she needed in the bedroom and more of a lack of interest in what she was getting from the overall relationship.