People making good on promises made years ago is admirable.
Until it isn’t.
Our Redditor made a pact with a friend when they were teenagers to attend an event stemming from a shared passion.
When the time came to follow through with his deal forged long ago hit a snag, he visited the Would I Be The A** Hole (WIBTAH) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Next-Guava-3480 asked:
“WIBTAH if I don’t include my wife on a trip I planned for my friend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (30 m[ale]) have been friends with A (29 f[female]) since we were 15/16 years old. When we were still teenagers, A picked up smoking from her friends. She didn’t do it much, and she said she knew the risks and wanted to stop.”
“As encouragement to get her to quit, I made a deal with her. We both share a love of cars and motorsports so the deal was that if she never picked up a cigarette again, I would fly us out to and get grandstand tickets for her favorite F1 race, obviously once we were older and not broke teenagers.”
“Admittedly 16, 16-year-old I did not take all the costs into consideration, but I still wanted to uphold my end of the deal.”
The OP continued:
“A and I have always had a sibling-like relationship, and my wife knows that. Nothing has ever happened between us and A even helped to set me up with my now wife (30 f[female]) and was a ‘grooms-woman’ at the wedding.
“This year, the time finally came when I had the money, time, and circumstances for this trip. My wife has always known about this deal I have with A since we met 9 years ago. She’s never had a problem with it and even found it ‘wholesome’ in her words.”
“Her and A have a good relationship; they aren’t best friends or anything, but they get along quite well.”
The friendship dynamic came into question after what happened next.
“Anyway, in September, I booked the tickets to the race as well as flights, and the trip is going to be around A’s birthday next year.”
“I had always thought that it was known that the trip was going to be just me and A as per the deal we made ages ago, and when I was booking the tickets in September, I mentioned this, and my wife had 0 problems with it.”
“Then, a couple of days ago, my wife mentioned how she was so excited about the trip, and I gently let her know that I have only booked two tickets for the race and flights.”
“She was upset about this and I was really confused because I thought I had made it clear that this trip was for A and it would just be us two. She asked me if I could add another ticket to the race, but it’s all sold out, so l cant really.”
“And then she asked if I could add another plane ticket anyway and I’m not inclined to do that as, and I know this sounds childish, but this was a me and A thing since we made the deal.”
“My wife has seemed really upset about this and is barely talking to me, and the one time we have seen A since then, she was very cold towards her. I don’t know if she doesn’t trust me or if it’s because of some insecurity.”
“WIBTAH if I don’t include my wife?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts.
“YTA. This is a perfect example of gaslighting. Your wife has every right to be upset. You lied to her. And now you’re coming to Reddit to be like, ‘Guys, my wife doesn’t trust me. She’s insecure.’ “
“Firstly, let’s break this down to the fact this is something you promised as a child to get another child to stop smoking. Do you keep all the promises you made as a child? Your brain wasn’t fully formed when you made that promise; it’s fully formed now.”
“Secondly don’t even want your wife to come with you, just to be in the same location whilst you and your ‘friend’ are at the race? That’s suspicious as all hell. You’d hardly even see her!”
“Thirdly, you clearly didn’t mention at any point this trip was just between you and your friend. You’ve used cagey enough language to the point your wife thought she was coming with you. You’ll have said ‘tickets are x, flights are y, hotel is z’ in the big grown-up chat you guys had about finance.”
“You won’t have said ‘TWO tickets are x, TWO flights are y’ and I’ll be amazed if you’ve two hotel rooms rather than one. And if you did say two, you’ll have not made it clear that you’re fully funding this trip for your friend.” – BartokTheBat
“I get sick of seeing AHs acting like their childhood friends are more important than their partner. You’re not ten years old, you’re an adult so grow up. I bet he’d be so moody if his wife took off on a luxury trip with a male friend.” – Dashcamkitty
“I’d also like to point out that he first received his wife’s ‘blessing’ for this trip when he met her 9 years ago. If a guy I’m dating for a few weeks or days mentions a trip with his female bestie I wouldn’t care—it’s not my money. However, if my husband were to take a super expensive luxury trip without me using our shared bank account—I’d be pissed.”
“I agree that it sounds like OP was intentionally misleading and manipulative. However, I wouldn’t call it ‘gaslighting’ in the original sense of the term since gaslighting is used to convince someone they’re going crazy, and OP is just a garden variety AH. Obviously, YTA.” – Cruella_deville7584
The OP wrote in edits:
“Yes, I had a big fat sit-down conversation with my wife about this before I booked anything, and I broke down my plans and all the costs (covered by money I had saved on my own), and my wife was completely fine with everything, until now.”
“I talked to my wife and booked her onto our flight and hotel room. I guess I can see where people are coming from with the YTA judgment, but I still think she should have said she wanted to come sooner as I did make it clear.”
“Because like I said, and people seem o be overlooking, I clearly communicated everything with her told her all the details and everything, she was fine with it all until she wasn’t.”
Even the OP’s edits weren’t enough to sway Redditors’ opinions:
“YTA.”
“Dude, this is so inappropriate. Not because of your friendship and the opposite genders.”
“You made a deal when you were a kid. You are now married, you are a team with your wife. You have bulldozed that partnership by acting like a teenager.”
“Your a married man. Finances big trips (you had to save up so, no you don’t have this money regularly) and your just leaving her behind.”
“Why are you married if you can just not think of her. You need to add her to the trip ASAP. It’s so disrespectful how you went about this whole thing. And, you need to grow up here. Your using your mate getting off smoking as an excuse for this trip. You wanted a trip with your friend and not your wife.”
“So, tell me what big trip are you saving up for your wife?” – Glass-Intention-3979
“My dude, YTA. You don’t even sound remorseful in your EDITs to be honest. You sound like you’ve been guilted and peer pressured by strangers on Reddit to invite your wife and still don’t even understand what’s wrong with what you did, which makes this worse. Just the fact that you said you ‘had always thought it was known’ about the trip just being for you and your friend clearly tells me you did not communicate all the details of your trip to your wife and only ASSUMED she filled in the gaps herself.”
“With your current attitude, you’ll just be resenting her the entire trip, she’ll be feeling terrible from your resentment, and everyone will just have a bad time. Not to mention the amount of damage this would cause to your marriage.”
“Advice from one married man to another 1) Do not invalidate her feelings. She’s feeling this way for a reason and only good communication will help you and your wife work through it. 2) If you ever go on a trip with other people without your wife, make that distinctly clear.”
“None of this BS like oh I communicated this clearly by saying it’s a deal I made between me and ‘A’ since we were 16 and it should have been implied from me sitting her down and breaking down the costs of the trip coming from my own money (which is unfair af of you to say since she’s a SAHM). This is the way a teenager thinks, and you’re a 30 YO dude. Communicate like the adult you should be.”
“For me, it doesn’t matter if it’s a guys trip, mixed trip, or with another female my wife is cool with. I always let her know if I plan for it to be just me on the trip and not us, and she does the same with me. This way, it’s always clear upfront and we can talk through it if we need to.” – here_for_the_tea_92
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was disrespectful for assuming his partner-in-life would be okay with him going along with his extravagant plan.
Especially under the assumption the OP and his wife seldom travel together.
Hopefully, the trip goes smoothly despite the drama.