People who are stressed and need help finding ways to relax often turn to a niche remedy called autonomous sensory meridian response, also known as ASMR.
A popular way people access the tingling sensation from their scalp down the back of their neck is through YouTube videos, a popular channel by female influencer Gibi ASMR.
For those unfamiliar with ASMR, it can come off as very unusual and questionable in its intentions.
One guy thought it would be a good idea to introduce ASMR to his stepfather, who was having difficulty falling asleep, which, after prolonged periods, can be detrimental to one’s health.
When the plan backfired, he sought the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Daiki_asmr asked:
“AITA I might’ve ruined my parents marriage with ASMR.”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA, so I (20 M[ale]) listen to ASMR every night to sleep.”
“My stepfather was having trouble sleeping, so I, of course, recommended he try ASMR.”
“Well, he did, and my mother found out and thought it was weird that he was (sleeping to women whispering in his ear).”
The OP continued:
“They fight about it pretty often because she considers it strange and ‘borderline cheating.’ I get where she’s coming from and how it’s weird if you don’t know much about ASMR but it’s all wholesome ASMR that he watches.”
“Like gibi ASMR and stuff. I’ve tried to tell her that I told him about it, and it’s not sexual in any way, but she still argues about it.”
“He’s stopped, but she still brings it up, and I just can’t help but think it’s all my fault. AITA.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. Your mother is being weird, and that’s not your fault. By her logic, listening to music sung by women or watching movies with female actors could be ‘borderline cheating’ too.” – ExistenceRaisin
“I fall asleep listening to podcasts. Some of them have male presenters who have voices I find soothing. Some have female presenters who have voices I find soothing. Have successfully managed to not cheat on my husband with anyone. NTA – your mother’s just being weird about this.” – No-Cranberry4396
“If your parent’s marriage is so fragile that ASMR is breaking them apart, then their marriage wasn’t that strong in the first place.”
“So no you don’t ruin their marriage.” – Artistic-Emotion-623
“NTA.”
“Borderline cheating? Is there a reason your mom is so insecure? What if he would listen to lets say music or audio books – would listening to a woman singer\reader would also be ‘borderline cheating?’ “ – edebby
“I don’t think it’s necessarily insecurity. A lot of ASMR content is created in a very sensual and intimate setting. The parasocial aspect of it is much bigger than with a singer or reader.”
“A lot of ASMR creators know that they get more clicks and likes (and therefore money) if they present themselves in a suggestive way, even if the content itself is not sexual. So I can definitely understand why the wife would feel that it’s weird, and it’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. Still, if that’s enough to cause arguments, the relationship wasn’t very strong to begin with.” – whothefoxy
“NTA. Imagine being so insecure that you think your husband’s listening to pre-recorded ASMR is cheating. Then again, there’s people who think their partners watching porn is, so…” – thatgrimwitch
“NTA, but I will say, as an ASMR listener myself, there is a very large percentage of creators who are women making content aimed at a male-skewed audience.”
“Obviously, not all ASMRtists are that way, but as someone who has been listening for years, it is unavoidable when shifting through content.”
“I know you said your stepdad listens to users like Gibi (who does really fun vids), but even just the first page of a YouTube ASMR search already pulls up several ‘personal attention’ videos aimed at men where the artist purposely speaks in a seductive tone.”
“If mom caught him watching a few of those, I can understand why she’d be upset, it’s not cheating, but it can verge into an ’emotional connection’ to the artist, the same way with OnlyFans creators.” – x_HorrorHime_x
“NTA. Whatever the issue is it’s likely bigger than asmr. This is just the ‘last straw’. Believing ASMR is basically cheating or weird because it’s a woman’s voice is ludicrous. She’s hurt about something else or paranoid because she’s cheating.” – November-8485
“The stuff your dad is listening to sounds… Intimate. Not necessarily sexual, but intimate. A lot of ASMR triggers similar parts of your brain as an orgasm does, despite it not necessarily being sexual content in nature.”
“Just because it’s not erotic content and it’s a woman your dad doesn’t know, it’s a little understandable why your mother might feel a certain way about it, especially if your dad didn’t talk with her about it first. It comes across like he’s covering it up, despite it not being sexual or erotic in nature.”
“He should have mentioned it to her first before letting a strange woman whisper him to sleep. Or you could have introduced him to the slightly less intimate ASMR content. I guess NTA, but you should probably talk to your mother and suggest some alternatives for your dad.”
“There are always some people unwilling to accept the fact that a substantial amount of ASMR is intimate (not sexual) in nature. Kinda sad, really.” – FrotKnight
“NTA. Your mother has problems. If she thinks that’s borderline cheating and it’s taking a toll on their marriage, then the marriage wasn’t a solid one, to begin with.”
“Your mother needs to see a therapist as their underlying psychological issues with her, tell your stepfather about it first and see if you can both come up with a resolution.” – Lucifer07x
“NTA. Thinking that women (and men) whispering and doing stuff that is intended to help someone relax or sleep is ‘borderline cheating’ is awfully wrong. My girlfriend is one of those people who enjoy it, and while I don’t understand it much, the simple fact that it helps her relax when a lot of other things fail/don’t work is a great thing and should be encouraged.”
“None of it is sexual, it’s all bringing peace and love to someone so they feel safe, calm and helps them sleep.” – Bold-Belle2
“NTA. Sure, there are plenty of creators who make sexual ASMR videos, but you said your stepdad isn’t listening to those. He’s using it for the intended purpose (relaxing, falling asleep), so there shouldn’t be any problem.”
“If your mom has that much of an issue with it, she can make her own ASMR for him or look up some channels that don’t use talking as a trigger. Instead of arguing about it, she should put in the effort to be supportive about her husband’s sleeping problems.”
“But no, you’re NTA for trying to help a family member out, and your stepdad is NTA either for wanting to sleep.” – Corvidae-69
“NTA – Your mother is overreacting. But, I would say that there is definitely a kind of intimacy involved in ASMR, so I get why she might be uncomfortable.”
“I think there’s a reason that the majority of the most popular ASMRtists are attractive young people. If it is causing this much of an issue, then why wouldn’t he just switch to male ASMR channel instead?” – SiMatt
“NTA but your father picking women whispering in his ear is weird. Your mom fighting with him over ‘cheating with ASMR women’ (couldn’t type it without laughing) is ridiculous. Why can’t he pick something else? There’s a world of sounds out there, leave the whispering in his ear to his wife. It’s that simple.” – MundaneEquivalent590
“NTA Your dad knows your mum pretty well (I hope), and he makes his own choices knowing what she’ll find acceptable or not. You just recommended something to him, he checked it out and went with it. If their marriage is on the line, that’s all on them.” – LivingImpossible2613
“NTA. You surfaced an issue that was already simmering.”
“Get your parents a subscription to the Calm app. There are guided meditations and playlists specifically designed to help people sleep. It’s soothing without any of the weirdness.”
“Also, maybe your mom can find some meditations in there to start to unpack a bit of how she is feeling. Either Dad isn’t giving her enough attention, or something else is pulling her down. They need to work through this together.” – idigressed
“NTA Tell your mom that there are equally fascinating male ASMRtists who can let her sleep as well, and then tell her that there are people who eat on camera close to a microphone, and she should be counting her lucky stars that he doesn’t like that stuff.”
“Play a mukbang and tell her it gets worse and that if she’s insecure about whispersred stealing him away or any of the ladies he listens to, she should realize they don’t want him, and the ones that want for anything aside give millions countless nights of sleep- are on Onlyfans.” – MotherBike
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here for introducing his stepfather to something that could improve his inadequate sleeping pattern.
They also thought the mother’s adverse reaction indicated there might be problems with trust in their marriage and that they should seek professional counseling to address other issues.