No matter how much parents might try to keep everything equal, there will generally always be a "favorite" child.
And sometimes the jealousy surrounding that runs much deeper than the parents might expect, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
After his brother passed away, Redditor Foreign-Appearance40 discovered he was his sibling's life insurance beneficiary, despite his brother getting married and having children since making the arrangement.
When his sister-in-law attempted to reason with him about the funds, the Original Poster (OP) cited the legal arrangement and refused to help his sister-in-law, nieces, and nephews out.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for keeping my brother's life insurance money?"
The OP's brother recently passed away in a car accident.
"I (40 Male) lost my brother, 'Jay' (42 Male), in a car accident a few months ago."
"Growing up, he was the golden child. He got a full ride to a prestigious college while I had to pay my own way and eventually drop out."
"He went on to grad school, but I got married and settled down with my wife, 'Brittany' (42 Female), early on."
"We have had financial struggles, which caused us not to be able to start a family. We live paycheck to paycheck in a one-bedroom apartment."
"Jay always made good money but wasn't lucky in love. He was very picky, and while he had some longer one- or two-year relationships, he was looking for perfection before getting married."
"He finally married his wife, Mary (40 Female), in 2019."
Jay and the OP's Sister-in-Law (SIL) made a good life for themselves.
"She also made good money, like Jay. She also had two children from a previous relationship, now 18 and 19. One is in college, and the other will be starting next year."
"She and Jay also had twin girls about a year ago. Mary and Jay both worked and have a nanny they share with a neighbor for their girls."
"When they got pregnant, she sold her house where they were living, and he sold his condo that he had been renting out, and they bought a larger family home together."
"All this to say, money is not a problem for them."
The OP then accidentally came into some of his brother's money.
"Like I said, Jay passed away recently in a car accident, and Mary found out that I was the beneficiary of his 401(k) and life insurance policy through his employer."
"The life insurance is 150k, but the 401k is much more substantial. He set it up that way years ago before Mary was in the picture and never changed it."
"Mary begged me to give her a portion of the money, but I said no."
"She inherited his part of their house and their joint savings account, which is about 50k."
"She said that she paid for his funeral, and to make it work on her income alone, she will have to sell the house, give up the nanny, put the girls in daycare, and won't be able to help her older kids with college the way they planned."
The OP put his potential family before his brother's.
"I told her it's not my fault. If he wanted to change the beneficiary, he should have done that. But he didn't, so now the money is mine."
"My wife and I plan to use the money to buy a home and finally start a family."
"She says her husband's money should go to his children, but she doesn't see that my using the money to have my own children is more important."
The family was furious with the OP.
"Our parents think I'm an a**hole because the money should go to his kids."
"I offered to take 50k and put it in trust for the girls' education."
"But they said Mary needs the money now. They said the life insurance would pay off their mortgage and the boys' college and put money away for the girls' future, and her income would cover the rest so they wouldn't have to move."
"But what about my family?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some criticized the OP for taking advantage of his brother's mistake.
"YTA."
"Yeah. Your life sucks, but there is no world in which your brother would not have wanted to take care of his wife and their children."
"You're exploiting a lapse of attention on his part to profit from his death. That's just gross as h**l." - iamrealmonkey
"It's hard to imagine a scenario in which he would not want his own children to have the money and be cared for. He should have updated his affairs but didn't."
"OP is greedy and morally wrong here, even if he is legally entitled to the money." - ParkerBench
"OP's older brother got married three or four years ago in 2019 to a woman with two teens and had twins about a year ago. He died unexpectedly and suddenly at 42 years of age."
"I think it's a safe bet that he was originally looking out for his younger brother as far as his estate planning went and simply overlooked changing beneficiaries when he got married. He would have been mighty busy at that point and especially the past year or so."
"The absence of any information or documents suggesting that this is intentional means that it is the sort of tragically common oversight made by young, healthy people around their estate planning."
"Perhaps OP should recognize that his brother would want his wife and children to be his new beneficiaries, and also ask his sister-in-law for some money from his estate as he clearly cared for his younger brother." - RichardBonham
"My employer and my husband's employer require our signature every year regarding our beneficiaries for our 401k and employee life insurance (we have outside separate policies, too)."
"If you don't want your spouse listed as a beneficiary, you have to their (spouse's) approval with a notary."
"Mary should ask the employer for the last known dates documentation. Maybe her husband actually didn't want her to have it. Four years is a long time to go without updating, but there WAS a pandemic involved."
"But, OP, I doubt all of that. It's her money." - MegMRG
"OP is treating this like he has won the lottery. But this isn't a golden ticket, his brother died, and OP is s**tting on his grave. What kind of person decides that they are more entitled to this money than his brother's own family? It's reprehensible in the extreme." - Consistent_Charity49
Others were sure the OP was using this as an opportunity for revenge.
"Jay passed away in an accident, something unplanned. He most likely thought he had more time to update all of this."
"Sounds like OP is resentful that his brother got lucky and is now taking it out on his SIL and his baby nieces." - The_Death_Flower
"The crazy part, she didn't ask for everything. A portion of it. 'Mary begged me to give her a PORTION of the money, but I said no.' She already acknowledged that OP should get something, despite this all."
"A portion, which would still be significant to OP considering how much he harps on having nothing."
"It's crazy how greedy OP is. I get that money is life-changing. But how scummy is it that his brother was kind enough to make sure OP would be taken care of if he unexpectedly died, while OP cannot even do the bare minimum for his wife and kids in return?"
"Genuinely disgusting, sincerely hope this is fake. If not, I hope karma gets OP badly." - Altruistic_One8131
"'Mary BEGGED me to give her a portion of the money, but I said no.' This is the part that really sickened me. I hope and sincerely pray the SIL sues and is able to get it all... a good lawyer could probably get the 401K."
"OP seems like he feels his brother got a leg up on him. Based on what was written, the brother seems to have worked hard and made different choices than OP and the resentment is obvious."
"Based on this, I wager that if OP does keep the money, it won't last, he'll spend it all, he won't get his happily ever after... and OP will believe it is someone else's fault." - amhfrision
"When my dad passed away suddenly last summer, I took that as a shot across the bow to at least finally put a beneficiary on the books for my 401k. I don't have kids and probably won't ever. Happy living the single life. So I never bothered."
"My brother and his wife have a kid, who my dad thankfully got to meet and play with for over a year. Wish it was more. I made sure to update my affairs to make sure that kid gets every penny of what I don't get to use. I, at the very least, don't want that s**t to just disappear."
"From what it honestly sounds like, OP's brother felt bad for the PARENTS' unequal treatment of them and made him the beneficiary partly out of guilt and partly because he too didn't want to see that sum just vanish."
"Not updating it once he found his wife and had kids was an absolute oversight. To not even agree to split is morally theft. OP's post reeks of misdirected resentment. OP is about to find out this money isn't going to fix any of that." - devsfan1830
"Not only is he greedy and morally bankrupt, but he's made excuses for himself this entire post on why he deserves his pity party."
"His brother studied hard and got a scholarship, but OP didn't, so he dropped out after deciding to not pay for it anymore. He got married early on but is now 40, and his wife is 42, so it's now the time to have kids? What happened in the 20-something years between?"
"Hate to break it to you, but people who aren't well off financially and who live in apartments (I should know, I have a family of four with a toddler above my apartment) have kids all the time; I feel OP is leaving a s**t-ton of info out because he's afraid it will make him look bad."
"You're now trying to profit off your brother's death at the cost of your niece/nephew. How about working hard at finding a situation/job that can help you get your dream home without having to kick your brother's wife and kids out of theirs?"
"Also, you expected the wife to pay for all of your brother's funeral and didn't even offer to pay for it even though you took all his money?!? If she was only left 50k in their life savings, I guarantee a good chunk of that went to pay for his unexpected funeral. Caskets alone can cost up to $5k, and that's not even including the funeral costs." - Sososoftmeows
The subReddit was heartbroken for the OP's brother, sister-in-law, nieces, and nephews. Not only had they suffered a terrible loss, but the OP was doing nothing but make their new reality that much worse.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp