It's always a bittersweet moment for parents when their children start to outgrow their clothes.
This means they are no longer babies and are growing up.
And usually outgrow all their clothes quite rapidly.
More often than not, those clothes are passed on to other babies and toddlers.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor recently announced that she was expecting her fourth child.
As the original poster (OP) had a growing baby, her SIL, as well as her fiancé, expected her to pass on her child's clothes to her SIL.
Something the OP had absolutely no intention of doing.
Having some doubts about her rationale, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hle Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for giving my sister in law the same treatment she gave me?"
The OP explained why she was not inclined to pass on her child's baby clothes to her SIL:
"So, I just had a baby 3 months ago."
"When I first found out I was pregnant, my sister in law INSISTED on throwing my gender reveal party."
"I agreed."
"She then started to call me every day, stressing about the details of the reveal."
"I told her my mom would help her with food just to take some of the pressure off of her."
"She agreed."
"She sent my mom a text about how the reveal was going to be done."
"She wanted her kids involved in our reveal."
"My mom said my fiancé and I should be the ones the reveal the gender it would make sense for her kids to not be directly involved."
"I agree, it is our first kid, and his niece's and nephews didn't need to reveal the gender for us."
"My sister-in-law then calls my fiancé and causes a scene."
"She yells that my mom is overstepping and needs to watch what she says to her and that she's trying to take control of the gender reveal party."
"My sister in law then ignores my mom and I all the way up until the party."
"The day comes, she shows up an hour late, with nothing in hand but balloons and forks."
"Mind you SHE was responsible for everything but the food."
"She also shows up in a white see-through dress & heels."
"The party was at a park under a gazebo."
"She doesn't speak to me or any of my family the entire time."
"Thankfully, I have a huge village, and my aunt and mom came prepared with extra decorations, plates, etc., and the day went amazingly without any help from my SIL."
"My SIL leaves the party, and I never hear from her the rest of my pregnancy."
"She would call my fiancé (I would overhear the calls)."
"She never asked about me, the pregnancy, or the baby."
"She never bought anything or even asked me if I needed anything."
"Mind you, she has 3 kids herself, and my fiance and I have always gone above and beyond for her and her kids since day 1."
"Never missed a beat with them and have spent thousands."
"My baby shower comes, and she shows up empty-handed, and doesn't say a word to the hosts or me. (my mom and aunt) and she has a nasty look on her face."
"At this point i've decided to cut ties with her for now and not have a relationship with her anymore."
"She clearly didn't really care about me or the pregnancy."
"I have the baby, and she still hasn't reached out directly to me and talks like I don't exist, so I just block her, and we haven't spoken."
"A few weeks go by and guess what?"
"SHES PREGNANT!"
"Yayyyy."
"She calls me directly after almost a year of no contact."
"I got a new phone and a new number, and my fiancée gave her my new number."
"She explains how she's pregnant and scared and is basically confiding in me about how excited she is."
"I'm pretty quiet on the phone bc again, she really treated me like sh*t throughout my pregnancy, and I wasn't very excited to be hearing from her."
"We get off the phone, and I tell my fiancé she called."
"He isn't happy about her being pregnant."
"She has 3 kids already living in a two-bedroom apartment with a dead best boyfriend living off of her."
"He tells me he thinks she got pregnant bc she wasn't happy the attention wasn't on her."
"I just let him vent and don't put my opinion in the mix yet."
"Thankfully, at my baby shower, we received SO much from my side of the family."
"Everything we needed and more."
"From a stroller all the way to wipes, postpartum care, crib, and more."
"Now that she is pregnant, and my baby boy is growing out of things, my SIL and fiancé are just expecting me to pass everything we outgrow down to her."
"Finally, I'm getting the question lol sorry."
"I don't want to pass anything down to her, I don't want to help with any gender reveals or baby showers, and I don't really want much contact with her."
"She has hinted to my fiancé she wants a gender reveal cake."
"Deep down I feel bad bc I know how hard pregnancy is and she doesn't have the village I did."
"But how do you shower and care for someone who treated you like crap and like you didn't exist, your whole pregnancy and birth?"
"I would give the shirt off my back to anyone but after the way she treated me I truly want to keep the no contact thing going, but I also know she is going to have it hard (again 4th kid no help)."
"I'm just conflicted."
"My fiancé keeps hinting that we should put stuff up for her, but I really don't want to."
"Maybe I am the AH."
"But maybe she should have thought about how she treats people bc one day she may need them."
"AITAH for not wanting to give her anything?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for refusing to give her baby's hand-me-downs to her SIL.
Everyone agreed that after the way the OP's SIL treated her, she in no way deserved receiving her baby's hand-me-downs, with everyone agreeing that the OP's SIL only seemed to do anything to seek attention, and needed a reality check:
"Her issues aren't your problem, and your stuff isn't hers."
"Sounds like you have lots of people in your life who are good to you and good for you- maybe one of them will have a baby and need your hand-me-downs in the future."
"Your fiancé needs to have your back on this."- halfveela
"As far as I'm concerned, you don't get a shower with your fourth; you already have all of the equipment and clothes."
"She sounds ridiculously jealous and needs to be the center of attention."
"I'd ignore her and wouldn't give her a thing."
"Your fiancé needs to get with the program and have your back."- Ilovewally
"NTA."
"If you plan to have more kids, just use the excuse that you plan on still using your baby supplies."
"Tell your fiancé directly that the answer is no, and he can't coerce you into changing your mind. If he wants to help, he will have to do that by himself."
"Tell him to stop asking you to help someone that hates you."
"You don't have a SIL problem, you have a fiancé problem."- OkSignature3562
"NTA."
"Have you and your partner agreed you are one and done?"
"If not, why would you give her any of your things?"
"Also, she's had three, unless they are a lot older, she should have everything she should need (minus the sprinkle things for wipes, diapers, etc)."
"Match the energy, but use the excuse that you may need them down the line."- PracticalReaction560
"Oh hell no, she doesn't get squat from you."
"If she has a baby shower, hopefully she doesn't, because this is her fourth kid, and I think that's pretty tacky. I'd show up empty-handed just like she did to yours."
"She's already shown you who and what she is, and never forget that, and how that made you feel during a time which you should have been ecstatic, and she put a downer on that."
"She is a selfish person who is only calling you now to share HER joy, and she wants your stuff."
"I mean, what if you decide to have more kids?"
"Hell no, keep your stuff."
"Let her hint to someone else that she wants a gender reveal party, do not do anything for this b*tch, because all she did was give you problems."
"I mean, she has four kids, she doesn't have her own clothes?"
"I would not even answer my phone if she calls you back, you lived without hearing from her for a whole year, no no no."
"The nerve of some people."
"Sounds like your mom's quite a trooper!"- Potential-Piano256
If there's anything that gives parents comfort about their children outgrowing their clothes, it's knowing that their clothes will move on to a worthy new owner.
Something the OP clearly did not think her SIL would be after, given the way she behaved towards her.
Perhaps if the OP's SIL always treated her with respect and kindness, rather than only when it was convenient for her or when it made her look good, she would soon be receiving a very generous gift bag from the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp