It's always a bittersweet moment for parents when their children start to outgrow their clothes.
This means they are no longer babies and are growing up.
And usually outgrow all their clothes quite rapidly.
More often than not, those clothes are passed on to other babies and toddlers.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor recently announced that she was expecting her fourth child.
As the original poster (OP) had a growing baby, her SIL, as well as her fiancé, expected her to pass on her child's clothes to her SIL.
Something the OP had absolutely no intention of doing.
Having some doubts about her rationale, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hle Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for giving my sister in law the same treatment she gave me?"
The OP explained why she was not inclined to pass on her child's baby clothes to her SIL:
"So, I just had a baby 3 months ago."
"When I first found out I was pregnant, my sister in law INSISTED on throwing my gender reveal party."
"I agreed."
"She then started to call me every day, stressing about the details of the reveal."
"I told her my mom would help her with food just to take some of the pressure off of her."
"She agreed."
"She sent my mom a text about how the reveal was going to be done."
"She wanted her kids involved in our reveal."
"My mom said my fiancé and I should be the ones the reveal the gender it would make sense for her kids to not be directly involved."
"I agree, it is our first kid, and his niece's and nephews didn't need to reveal the gender for us."
"My sister-in-law then calls my fiancé and causes a scene."
"She yells that my mom is overstepping and needs to watch what she says to her and that she's trying to take control of the gender reveal party."
"My sister in law then ignores my mom and I all the way up until the party."
"The day comes, she shows up an hour late, with nothing in hand but balloons and forks."
"Mind you SHE was responsible for everything but the food."
"She also shows up in a white see-through dress & heels."
"The party was at a park under a gazebo."
"She doesn't speak to me or any of my family the entire time."
"Thankfully, I have a huge village, and my aunt and mom came prepared with extra decorations, plates, etc., and the day went amazingly without any help from my SIL."
"My SIL leaves the party, and I never hear from her the rest of my pregnancy."
"She would call my fiancé (I would overhear the calls)."
"She never asked about me, the pregnancy, or the baby."
"She never bought anything or even asked me if I needed anything."
"Mind you, she has 3 kids herself, and my fiance and I have always gone above and beyond for her and her kids since day 1."
"Never missed a beat with them and have spent thousands."
"My baby shower comes, and she shows up empty-handed, and doesn't say a word to the hosts or me. (my mom and aunt) and she has a nasty look on her face."
"At this point i've decided to cut ties with her for now and not have a relationship with her anymore."
"She clearly didn't really care about me or the pregnancy."
"I have the baby, and she still hasn't reached out directly to me and talks like I don't exist, so I just block her, and we haven't spoken."
"A few weeks go by and guess what?"
"SHES PREGNANT!"
"Yayyyy."
"She calls me directly after almost a year of no contact."
"I got a new phone and a new number, and my fiancée gave her my new number."
"She explains how she's pregnant and scared and is basically confiding in me about how excited she is."
"I'm pretty quiet on the phone bc again, she really treated me like sh*t throughout my pregnancy, and I wasn't very excited to be hearing from her."
"We get off the phone, and I tell my fiancé she called."
"He isn't happy about her being pregnant."
"She has 3 kids already living in a two-bedroom apartment with a dead best boyfriend living off of her."
"He tells me he thinks she got pregnant bc she wasn't happy the attention wasn't on her."
"I just let him vent and don't put my opinion in the mix yet."
"Thankfully, at my baby shower, we received SO much from my side of the family."
"Everything we needed and more."
"From a stroller all the way to wipes, postpartum care, crib, and more."
"Now that she is pregnant, and my baby boy is growing out of things, my SIL and fiancé are just expecting me to pass everything we outgrow down to her."
"Finally, I'm getting the question lol sorry."
"I don't want to pass anything down to her, I don't want to help with any gender reveals or baby showers, and I don't really want much contact with her."
"She has hinted to my fiancé she wants a gender reveal cake."
"Deep down I feel bad bc I know how hard pregnancy is and she doesn't have the village I did."
"But how do you shower and care for someone who treated you like crap and like you didn't exist, your whole pregnancy and birth?"
"I would give the shirt off my back to anyone but after the way she treated me I truly want to keep the no contact thing going, but I also know she is going to have it hard (again 4th kid no help)."
"I'm just conflicted."
"My fiancé keeps hinting that we should put stuff up for her, but I really don't want to."
"Maybe I am the AH."
"But maybe she should have thought about how she treats people bc one day she may need them."
"AITAH for not wanting to give her anything?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for refusing to give her baby's hand-me-downs to her SIL.
Everyone agreed that after the way the OP's SIL treated her, she in no way deserved receiving her baby's hand-me-downs, with everyone agreeing that the OP's SIL only seemed to do anything to seek attention, and needed a reality check:
"Her issues aren't your problem, and your stuff isn't hers."
"Sounds like you have lots of people in your life who are good to you and good for you- maybe one of them will have a baby and need your hand-me-downs in the future."
"Your fiancé needs to have your back on this."- halfveela
"As far as I'm concerned, you don't get a shower with your fourth; you already have all of the equipment and clothes."
"She sounds ridiculously jealous and needs to be the center of attention."
"I'd ignore her and wouldn't give her a thing."
"Your fiancé needs to get with the program and have your back."- Ilovewally
"NTA."
"If you plan to have more kids, just use the excuse that you plan on still using your baby supplies."
"Tell your fiancé directly that the answer is no, and he can't coerce you into changing your mind. If he wants to help, he will have to do that by himself."
"Tell him to stop asking you to help someone that hates you."
"You don't have a SIL problem, you have a fiancé problem."- OkSignature3562
"NTA."
"Have you and your partner agreed you are one and done?"
"If not, why would you give her any of your things?"
"Also, she's had three, unless they are a lot older, she should have everything she should need (minus the sprinkle things for wipes, diapers, etc)."
"Match the energy, but use the excuse that you may need them down the line."- PracticalReaction560
"Oh hell no, she doesn't get squat from you."
"If she has a baby shower, hopefully she doesn't, because this is her fourth kid, and I think that's pretty tacky. I'd show up empty-handed just like she did to yours."
"She's already shown you who and what she is, and never forget that, and how that made you feel during a time which you should have been ecstatic, and she put a downer on that."
"She is a selfish person who is only calling you now to share HER joy, and she wants your stuff."
"I mean, what if you decide to have more kids?"
"Hell no, keep your stuff."
"Let her hint to someone else that she wants a gender reveal party, do not do anything for this b*tch, because all she did was give you problems."
"I mean, she has four kids, she doesn't have her own clothes?"
"I would not even answer my phone if she calls you back, you lived without hearing from her for a whole year, no no no."
"The nerve of some people."
"Sounds like your mom's quite a trooper!"- Potential-Piano256
If there's anything that gives parents comfort about their children outgrowing their clothes, it's knowing that their clothes will move on to a worthy new owner.
Something the OP clearly did not think her SIL would be after, given the way she behaved towards her.
Perhaps if the OP's SIL always treated her with respect and kindness, rather than only when it was convenient for her or when it made her look good, she would soon be receiving a very generous gift bag from the OP.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.