Recovery from surgery can be daunting.
It can rob days and weeks of a person’s life.
It should be a time to focus on rebuilding one’s strength, not household chores, right?
Redditor i_hate_my_username4 wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to do my husband’s laundry anymore after he had a go at me after surgery?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I had gallbladder removal surgery yesterday, and thankfully all went well.”
“They removed a massive stone and several smaller ones.”
“I even got to take pictures.”
“Coming around from the anesthesia was harder than I’d imagined but the doctor said it was quite normal to feel very tired and groggy afterward, they said this was quite normal.”
“I was lucky enough to have my surgery in a private hospital funded by the N[ational] H[ealth] S[ervice].”
“So my staff was great but I still couldn’t wait to get home to see my children and sit on my own sofa, in my own house, and watch my own TV.”
“I got home quite tired and sore just before 7 pm.”
“The morphine had definitely worn off at this point, and I haven’t had any more pain relief, so I just want to sit down and relax and take some codeine and give my kids a cuddle.”
“I walked in and the living room looked a mess, which was annoying, but my husband had made sure my pillow was on the sofa like I’d asked for earlier, and it’s hard work looking after three kids (10 autistic, 6 AND 2), they’d not long finished dinner (take away), and he’d been doing loads of laundry that had piled up since our washer broke and only got fixed the day before.”
“I didn’t say anything about it; it’s not the end of the world.”
“I had barely sat down five minutes when my husband turned to me and said…”
“‘Oy, I don’t mean to have a go at you since you just got home from surgery, but can you please STOP putting my football shirts in the dryer since it ruins them.'”
“I’ve told you before they can’t go in there!'”
“I was a bit taken aback, like is this really the best time to bring this up??”
“He even acknowledged that I just got home from surgery!!!”
“And for the record, I don’t think it’s wrong of him to not want his shirts ruined but really?!”
“This is the time you’re going to bring it up?!
“No, ‘Do you need anything? Do you need any medication? Are you comfortable? ‘ Nah, just ‘my shirts!'”
“I don’t remember putting them in the washing machine, or the dryer, and I don’t remember folding one up when the dryer finished either so all I could say was sorry.”
“I genuinely thought his football shirts were ok to go on the dryer.”
“I absolutely swear I remember him saying last year they could go in, and I’m usually pretty good about remembering what can be tumble-dried and what can’t.”
“He’s made mistakes too.”
“I’ve told him a few times that our daughter’s school cardigan shouldn’t be tumble-dried.”
“He completely ruined one, said he’d replace it, and six months later still hasn’t replaced it.”
“If you live in the UK, I don’t need to tell you that branded uniform items are not cheap.”
“I was like, you know what?”
“Do your own f**king laundry then; then, if anything gets damaged, that’s on you.”
“Don’t have your stuff ready for work?”
“That’s your problem.”
“And don’t ever f**king bother asking me to iron anything either.”
“But now I’m lying here at 5 am wondering if I’m just being overly petty for the sake of it.”
“I do most of the laundry as I’m an S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome] mom, and he does work all week long.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Girl, you just got out of surgery, and the first thing this man says to you when you walk in the door isn’t ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Do you need anything’” but complaining about his damn football shirts???”
“Are you serious??”
“Sir, read the room.”
“You were literally cut open less than 24 hours ago, and this man is more worried about a polyester shirt than his wife recovering from an operation?? That’s wild.”
“And let’s not ignore the hypocrisy—he ruined your daughter’s uniform and never replaced it, but now he’s acting like you committed a crime against humanity for putting his shirts in the dryer by accident?”
“Make it make sense.”
“Honestly, you’re right. Let him do his own damn laundry.”
“He’s a grown-a** man.”
“If his football shirts are that precious, then he can take responsibility for them.”
“If he wants his work clothes clean, he can handle that himself.”
“You are not petty—you are setting boundaries.”
“You are recovering, you deserve rest, and the last thing you need is a grown-a** man acting like his jersey collection is more important than your healing body.”
“Stay strong, sis.”
“Let him learn the hard way. 🚫👕🔥.” ~ REDDIT
“Way back in the 80’s I won a game jersey in a charity auction from the goalie of my favorite US soccer team, the Tampa Bay Rowdies.”
“This was pre-sports memorabilia super collecting, so I wore the jersey to games, and of course, it would need to be cleaned.”
“First time I told my mom how to clean it, she pulled it from the laundry, handed it to me, told me to grab a bottle of Woolite from the closet and read the instructions and wash my own damn jersey.”
“If the team shirts are that important to him, OP needs to buy him a bottle of Woolite for his next gift-getting day and tell him to just read the instructions… NTA.” ~ chudan_dorik
“NTA. Your husband picked the WRONG time to bring this up, and his delivery was garbage.”
“You should be aware that his biggest concern at your most vulnerable moment is his t-shirts.” ~ apothekryptic
“NTA. I had gallbladder removal surgery back in 2023, and I was resting most of the time, and my doctor told me I couldn’t lift anything over 10lbs.”
“When I had gotten out, the day before, my boyfriend rushed cleaning so I could move around if needed and helped with anything I needed for 5-6 weeks during healing.”
“I even slept in his spot on the bed so I could go to the bathroom faster.”
“Your husband can do his own laundry.”
“You just got home from surgery, him complaining about jerseys when he could wash them himself is beyond ridiculous.” ~ RaineMist
“NTA. He’s a grown man.”
“He can do his own laundry.” ~ heyjudecarter
“I’d say NTA because his timing sucked.”
“That he had to preface with acknowledging you had just had surgery shows, he knows his timing sucked too, but it doesn’t sound like he said the rest of his request in an offensive way.”
“Does he often just say what’s in his head rather than wait for a more appropriate time?”
“Could he also be on the spectrum somewhere and that maybe he lacks that awareness?”
“I’m not on the spectrum or diagnosed, but if I don’t address something straightaway or write it down, I forget to deal with it, and then, like the shirts for him, I would remember at some random time.”
“I hope you have the kind of relationship that you can convey how you felt being told that without him being defensive.”
“It wasn’t right, but it was just poor communication and something he can work on.”
“The reason I asked for info is that you set the scene with how messy the house was, and it sounds like you have more that you want to complain about, not just the comment.”
“The other reason I asked is my husband has been having to do more because I’ve been unavailable this week.”
“Every day he moans about the school run, dinner, and not having enough time.”
“And I think yes I know as that’s usually everything I do, but he never acknowledges that my time is precious too.”
“I suspect maybe you aren’t feeling valued overall. This is the tip of the iceberg, and he was being inconsiderate toward you.”
“No criticism of you, you certainly aren’t alone.”
“I hope you are recovering well post-op.” ~ ilovefireengines
“NTA. I know someone who just had the same surgery, same country, and situation, he’s incredibly fit, think run 10 miles in the morning kinda thing.”
“He was shocked at how long the recovery was. I spoke to him 24 hours after surgery, and you could hear from his voice that he wasn’t great, groggy and hoarse and just not great.”
“He was still in pain 4 days later, mostly from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen.”
“Your husband is a d**k.” ~ whynousernamelef
“NAH. You overreacted saying you won’t do any laundry but under the circumstances, at that moment it’s understandable.”
“As he was doing laundry it was already on his mind about the shirts, he had probably been thinking about it for a while and wanted to remember to tell you.”
“It was terrible timing on his part though and he should have been aware enough to have waited a bit before bringing it up.” ~ RobotDog56
“NTA… but make sure you take it easy over the next few weeks.”
“I had mine removed a few months ago.”
“I had 3 gallstones and they caused a blockage.”
“Which then shifted and the infection went into my gallbladder.”
“So I had to stay in hospital and be pumped full of antibiotics due to it ending up causing a blood infection.”
“Our health system is kinda like the NHS.”
“They even removed my umbilical hernia from when I was pregnant.”
“Since they were in the area.” ~ Mum_of_rebels
“NTA. My partner wouldn’t empty his (usually disgusting as dangerous) pockets so I stopped doing his laundry.”
“I’m a stay-at-home mum too, when I stopped doing it we didn’t even have kids.”
“It stopped a lot of arguments and he’s responsible for his own stuff now.”
“You also work all week long by the way (and all night long, and all weekend and every holiday), kids don’t mind themselves, dinner doesn’t cook itself, the sitting room isn’t self-cleaning, you do all of that and it’s work too.” ~ International-Fee255Illustrious-Ad-4885
“NTA. Bad move on your husband’s part, you said you have an autistic child, so is it possible that he has autism and that contributed to his upset?”
“It would be an explanation, not an excuse, and he still owes you an apology.”
“Also, you’re right on him washing the shirts himself; if he has enough, then he can put them on a delicate wash and hang them to dry.”
“I hope you’re recovering well and this gets resolved soon ❤️.” ~ irlgansey
“NTA. You should be able to take a couple of days to rest and recover from your surgery.”
“I had my gall bladder removed some time ago, and my stomach was tender for a week.”
“Even if you only had lithotripsy, you’re going to have pain for a few days.” ~ No_Philosopher_1870
“NTA. I complained to my mom once about her putting something of mine in the laundry when I was about 13.”
“She never did my laundry again, and it worked perfectly!”
“Nothing of mine got ruined after that, and if it did, my bad!” ~ imacmadman22
“Your husband needs this kind of treatment and to learn to appreciate you.” ~ Illustrious-Ad-4885
“NTA. Even if you didn’t just have surgery.”
“He’s an adult, and you’re always allowed to not do his laundry.” ~ Salty-Sprinkles-1562
OP had an update…
“We’ve talked it out now, and he said that he realized pretty much as soon as he said it that perhaps he shouldn’t have said it yet but didn’t realize I was as upset as I was, or he would have apologized right anyway.”
“Anyhow, I checked the laundry I folded, and there wasn’t a football shirt in it, so I asked him where it was, and it turns out that no, I didn’t wash one the other night.”
“It’s one that I haven’t seen him wear in forever (and I’m not saying that it’s that he doesn’t wear much, so it doesn’t matter), so I can’t even confirm if it accidentally got dried or not.”
“And I did apologize for saying I wasn’t going to do his laundry anymore, and that I just felt hurt because I would never ruin his things intentionally, and I was so tired and in pain and had a really long anxious day, and I thought he was really angry with me too.”
“I really think most of you are right and we were both in the absolute wrong state at the wrong time.”
“We were both exhausted for different reasons, feeling a bit strung out about being in hospital/ looking after the kids.”
Reddit has your back, OP.
But it sounds like you and the hubby are on the road to recovery.
Surgery is difficult on relationships.
Recovery can take a strain.
I’m glad you all came to an understanding.