Recovery from surgery can be daunting.
It can rob days and weeks of a person's life.
It should be a time to focus on rebuilding one's strength, not household chores, right?
Redditor i_hate_my_username4 wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to do my husband's laundry anymore after he had a go at me after surgery?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I had gallbladder removal surgery yesterday, and thankfully all went well."
"They removed a massive stone and several smaller ones."
"I even got to take pictures."
"Coming around from the anesthesia was harder than I'd imagined but the doctor said it was quite normal to feel very tired and groggy afterward, they said this was quite normal."
"I was lucky enough to have my surgery in a private hospital funded by the N[ational] H[ealth] S[ervice]."
"So my staff was great but I still couldn't wait to get home to see my children and sit on my own sofa, in my own house, and watch my own TV."
"I got home quite tired and sore just before 7 pm."
"The morphine had definitely worn off at this point, and I haven't had any more pain relief, so I just want to sit down and relax and take some codeine and give my kids a cuddle."
"I walked in and the living room looked a mess, which was annoying, but my husband had made sure my pillow was on the sofa like I'd asked for earlier, and it's hard work looking after three kids (10 autistic, 6 AND 2), they'd not long finished dinner (take away), and he'd been doing loads of laundry that had piled up since our washer broke and only got fixed the day before."
"I didn't say anything about it; it's not the end of the world."
"I had barely sat down five minutes when my husband turned to me and said..."
"'Oy, I don't mean to have a go at you since you just got home from surgery, but can you please STOP putting my football shirts in the dryer since it ruins them.'"
"I've told you before they can't go in there!'"
"I was a bit taken aback, like is this really the best time to bring this up??"
"He even acknowledged that I just got home from surgery!!!"
"And for the record, I don't think it's wrong of him to not want his shirts ruined but really?!"
"This is the time you're going to bring it up?!
"No, 'Do you need anything? Do you need any medication? Are you comfortable? ' Nah, just 'my shirts!'"
"I don't remember putting them in the washing machine, or the dryer, and I don't remember folding one up when the dryer finished either so all I could say was sorry."
"I genuinely thought his football shirts were ok to go on the dryer."
"I absolutely swear I remember him saying last year they could go in, and I'm usually pretty good about remembering what can be tumble-dried and what can't."
"He's made mistakes too."
"I've told him a few times that our daughter's school cardigan shouldn't be tumble-dried."
"He completely ruined one, said he'd replace it, and six months later still hasn't replaced it."
"If you live in the UK, I don't need to tell you that branded uniform items are not cheap."
"I was like, you know what?"
"Do your own f**king laundry then; then, if anything gets damaged, that's on you."
"Don't have your stuff ready for work?"
"That's your problem."
"And don't ever f**king bother asking me to iron anything either."
"But now I'm lying here at 5 am wondering if I'm just being overly petty for the sake of it."
"I do most of the laundry as I'm an S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome] mom, and he does work all week long."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Girl, you just got out of surgery, and the first thing this man says to you when you walk in the door isn't 'How are you feeling?' or 'Do you need anything'" but complaining about his damn football shirts???"
"Are you serious??"
"Sir, read the room."
"You were literally cut open less than 24 hours ago, and this man is more worried about a polyester shirt than his wife recovering from an operation?? That's wild."
"And let's not ignore the hypocrisy—he ruined your daughter's uniform and never replaced it, but now he's acting like you committed a crime against humanity for putting his shirts in the dryer by accident?"
"Make it make sense."
"Honestly, you're right. Let him do his own damn laundry."
"He's a grown-a** man."
"If his football shirts are that precious, then he can take responsibility for them."
"If he wants his work clothes clean, he can handle that himself."
"You are not petty—you are setting boundaries."
"You are recovering, you deserve rest, and the last thing you need is a grown-a** man acting like his jersey collection is more important than your healing body."
"Stay strong, sis."
"Let him learn the hard way. 🚫👕🔥." ~ REDDIT
"Way back in the 80's I won a game jersey in a charity auction from the goalie of my favorite US soccer team, the Tampa Bay Rowdies."
"This was pre-sports memorabilia super collecting, so I wore the jersey to games, and of course, it would need to be cleaned."
"First time I told my mom how to clean it, she pulled it from the laundry, handed it to me, told me to grab a bottle of Woolite from the closet and read the instructions and wash my own damn jersey."
"If the team shirts are that important to him, OP needs to buy him a bottle of Woolite for his next gift-getting day and tell him to just read the instructions... NTA." ~ chudan_dorik
"NTA. Your husband picked the WRONG time to bring this up, and his delivery was garbage."
"You should be aware that his biggest concern at your most vulnerable moment is his t-shirts." ~ apothekryptic
"NTA. I had gallbladder removal surgery back in 2023, and I was resting most of the time, and my doctor told me I couldn't lift anything over 10lbs."
"When I had gotten out, the day before, my boyfriend rushed cleaning so I could move around if needed and helped with anything I needed for 5-6 weeks during healing."
"I even slept in his spot on the bed so I could go to the bathroom faster."
"Your husband can do his own laundry."
"You just got home from surgery, him complaining about jerseys when he could wash them himself is beyond ridiculous." ~ RaineMist
"NTA. He's a grown man."
"He can do his own laundry." ~ heyjudecarter
"I'd say NTA because his timing sucked."
"That he had to preface with acknowledging you had just had surgery shows, he knows his timing sucked too, but it doesn't sound like he said the rest of his request in an offensive way."
"Does he often just say what's in his head rather than wait for a more appropriate time?"
"Could he also be on the spectrum somewhere and that maybe he lacks that awareness?"
"I'm not on the spectrum or diagnosed, but if I don't address something straightaway or write it down, I forget to deal with it, and then, like the shirts for him, I would remember at some random time."
"I hope you have the kind of relationship that you can convey how you felt being told that without him being defensive."
"It wasn't right, but it was just poor communication and something he can work on."
"The reason I asked for info is that you set the scene with how messy the house was, and it sounds like you have more that you want to complain about, not just the comment."
"The other reason I asked is my husband has been having to do more because I've been unavailable this week."
"Every day he moans about the school run, dinner, and not having enough time."
"And I think yes I know as that's usually everything I do, but he never acknowledges that my time is precious too."
"I suspect maybe you aren't feeling valued overall. This is the tip of the iceberg, and he was being inconsiderate toward you."
"No criticism of you, you certainly aren't alone."
"I hope you are recovering well post-op." ~ ilovefireengines
"NTA. I know someone who just had the same surgery, same country, and situation, he's incredibly fit, think run 10 miles in the morning kinda thing."
"He was shocked at how long the recovery was. I spoke to him 24 hours after surgery, and you could hear from his voice that he wasn't great, groggy and hoarse and just not great."
"He was still in pain 4 days later, mostly from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen."
"Your husband is a d**k." ~ whynousernamelef
"NAH. You overreacted saying you won't do any laundry but under the circumstances, at that moment it's understandable."
"As he was doing laundry it was already on his mind about the shirts, he had probably been thinking about it for a while and wanted to remember to tell you."
"It was terrible timing on his part though and he should have been aware enough to have waited a bit before bringing it up." ~ RobotDog56
"NTA... but make sure you take it easy over the next few weeks."
"I had mine removed a few months ago."
"I had 3 gallstones and they caused a blockage."
"Which then shifted and the infection went into my gallbladder."
"So I had to stay in hospital and be pumped full of antibiotics due to it ending up causing a blood infection."
"Our health system is kinda like the NHS."
"They even removed my umbilical hernia from when I was pregnant."
"Since they were in the area." ~ Mum_of_rebels
"NTA. My partner wouldn't empty his (usually disgusting as dangerous) pockets so I stopped doing his laundry."
"I'm a stay-at-home mum too, when I stopped doing it we didn't even have kids."
"It stopped a lot of arguments and he's responsible for his own stuff now."
"You also work all week long by the way (and all night long, and all weekend and every holiday), kids don't mind themselves, dinner doesn't cook itself, the sitting room isn't self-cleaning, you do all of that and it's work too." ~ International-Fee255Illustrious-Ad-4885
"NTA. Bad move on your husband's part, you said you have an autistic child, so is it possible that he has autism and that contributed to his upset?"
"It would be an explanation, not an excuse, and he still owes you an apology."
"Also, you're right on him washing the shirts himself; if he has enough, then he can put them on a delicate wash and hang them to dry."
"I hope you're recovering well and this gets resolved soon ❤️." ~ irlgansey
"NTA. You should be able to take a couple of days to rest and recover from your surgery."
"I had my gall bladder removed some time ago, and my stomach was tender for a week."
"Even if you only had lithotripsy, you're going to have pain for a few days." ~ No_Philosopher_1870
"NTA. I complained to my mom once about her putting something of mine in the laundry when I was about 13."
"She never did my laundry again, and it worked perfectly!"
"Nothing of mine got ruined after that, and if it did, my bad!" ~ imacmadman22
"Your husband needs this kind of treatment and to learn to appreciate you." ~ Illustrious-Ad-4885
"NTA. Even if you didn't just have surgery."
"He's an adult, and you're always allowed to not do his laundry." ~ Salty-Sprinkles-1562
OP had an update...
"We've talked it out now, and he said that he realized pretty much as soon as he said it that perhaps he shouldn't have said it yet but didn't realize I was as upset as I was, or he would have apologized right anyway."
"Anyhow, I checked the laundry I folded, and there wasn't a football shirt in it, so I asked him where it was, and it turns out that no, I didn't wash one the other night."
"It's one that I haven't seen him wear in forever (and I'm not saying that it's that he doesn't wear much, so it doesn't matter), so I can't even confirm if it accidentally got dried or not."
"And I did apologize for saying I wasn't going to do his laundry anymore, and that I just felt hurt because I would never ruin his things intentionally, and I was so tired and in pain and had a really long anxious day, and I thought he was really angry with me too."
"I really think most of you are right and we were both in the absolute wrong state at the wrong time."
"We were both exhausted for different reasons, feeling a bit strung out about being in hospital/ looking after the kids."
Reddit has your back, OP.
But it sounds like you and the hubby are on the road to recovery.
Surgery is difficult on relationships.
Recovery can take a strain.
I'm glad you all came to an understanding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp