While some people choose to deprioritize their work or strive for an equal work-life balance, there are those who deeply value and prioritize their work and career achievements.
So when they have a special moment in their career, especially one that would place them on stage, it only makes sense that they would want to make an incredible impression during that milestone, reasoned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor refashion_aita was preparing for a major event in her career, which would involve her getting up on stage, so she had already picked out an outfit and was in the process of having it tailored to make her look and feel her best.
When her sister-in-law and niece demanded that she allow her 17-year-old niece instead make her an outfit as a “bonding experience” for the two of them, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted about wanting to put her career first.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not letting my niece sew me a dress for a big career moment because she doesn’t do a good job?”
The OP was happy to support her niece’s creative endeavors.
“I love my niece, and I support her creative expression.”
“I’ve told her that she could make me a dress for running around the house, running errands, hanging out, etc.”
“I’m happy to wear something she’s made at times when it’s appropriate. I’ve worn the acrylic scarf she crocheted me for a few years now, and it’s not because it looks good.”
She did wish that her niece put a little more effort into her hobby, though.
“She uses YouTube and TikTok tutorials, so she doesn’t know how to work off patterns, make tailoring adjustments, or choose the right fabric, etc.”
“On TikTok and other social media spaces, the ‘cool’ thing to do is announce that you made your garment from a ratty thrifted sheet and an old pair of shorts you had lying around. Sometimes it looks good, and sometimes it doesn’t.”
“But she doesn’t take the time to do things like pressing or finishing seams, trimming or sewing in ends, etc.”
“When I’ve suggested it to her, she said it’s more authentic the way she does it.”
And there was definitely a time and place for her niece’s creative expression.
“She begged me to do an outfit for an event I have coming up where I’ll be on stage.”
“I tried to let her down gently and said that I had a dress being tailored as we speak.”
“She said I could wear that one to something else, but that I should wear something she made because it would be special and a bonding experience for us.”
“Everyone in my family is obsessed with ‘bonding experiences.’ Everything has to be a bonding experience between the adults and kids. It’s exhausting.”
“I reiterated my no, saying, ‘No, I do not want you to make me anything.'”
The OP felt pressured by her sister-in-law, niece, and family.
“Her mom, my sister-in-law (SIL), is telling me that I care way too much about my appearance and my image.”
“This is an event related to my career. The last thing I need to do is walk up on stage in something that doesn’t fit, or looks like it was made with a sheet. And especially because I am plus-sized, how I look is judged more harshly.”
“My SIL complaining about me being superficial is not new. I dared to buy ONE designer bag for myself, and she did the whole thing you see on Instagram Reels, the whole, ‘That’s STUPID! I would just thrift a bag and put the rest of my money IN the bag!’ bit.”
“I was briefly engaged, and she would not shut up about how I supposedly ‘wanted a wedding, not a marriage,’ because I dared to want to pick out my own decor and not just use whatever she could scrounge up on Marketplace or get for sale at the craft store.”
The OP felt conflicted but wanted to put her career first.
“My career is the most important thing in the world to me right now.”
“Obviously, for my SIL, her child is the most important thing in the world to her.”
“But am I correct to put my career ahead of her child’s feelings, or do my values automatically make me the a**hole?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she should prioritize her career, while her sister-in-law (SIL) and niece continued sounding entitled and delusional.
“NTA. Your sister is giving major, ‘I would let my kid sing an off-key ‘Moana’ song to an airplane full of people’ energy here.” – matoiryu
“NTA. I have two theories about why the sister-in-law is pushing so hard for this.”
“One, she knows her kid makes ugly clothes. The OP’s SIL is just unable to have an honest conversation with her child and wants her poor aunt to suffer so that the SIL can avoid having a candid and difficult conversation with Little Miss Well-Meaning but Very De-Lu-Lu.”
“Two, the sister-in-law is jealous of the OP’s achievements and wants to bring the OP down a peg by making her a public embarrassment.”
“Either way, NTA.” – FlatGurrrrl93
“She keeps ‘telling me that I care way too much about my appearance and my image….’ So, is this her actually acknowledging her kid’s work looks like s**t or what?”
“NTA. Because I think it’s a BLATANT admission.”
“She’s not advocating that her daughter can improve, just that OP should accept what she deems to be acceptable: LESS.”
“Marketplace finds (which there’s no shame in there are so many great deals, if interested), secondhand bags (which again, there’s no problem with if that is what the person is interested in), and reflect a lack of care in her job ironically in hopes of supporting her child in someday having success.”
“It’s literally all backwards, and you cannot convince people who think like this of their own projection.” – gurlwithdragontat2
“If my niece offered to make me an outfit for a work event, I’d accept in a heartbeat. Because my niece studied costume design and does fantastic work.”
“If my nephew made the same offer, I’d tell him I love him, but if he tries to come near me with a piece of fabric, he’s off my Christmas list. And their mother would absolutely back me up on that.”
“While I would totally support my nephew in researching and practicing it as a new hobby, I would not encourage him in the form of potentially harming my image in my career. He’d have to reach my niece’s level, which she WORKED for, and he could WORK for, as well.”
“If the niece wants to have work shown on a stage, and basically have the same success as her aunt but in the fashion world, then she’ll have to work for it just like her aunt did, and just like MY niece did, plain and simple. NTA.” – Kalamac
“I know people who think like the SIL. My take is that it’s a sort of inferiority complex. Those people often think they themselves don’t deserve the nice version of a thing, so if someone else thinks and acts like they actually do think they deserve better, this causes some cognitive dissonance and extra attention on the feelings of inadequacy.”
“That’s why they say things like, ‘Buy a cheap bag and keep the money in the bag, so they can feel better and smarter than the other person.’ That completely misses the point, of course.”
“You don’t buy a designer bag because you need a container for items only. You buy the bag because it looks good, is usually of a decent quality, will last for a long time, and usually matches a few nice outfits. Also, in some professions, it’s simply part of ‘that specific uniform.'”
“I have things like that left over from the time I worked a job like that. Do I like suits? And dainty blouses? No, absolutely not. I don’t like wearing high heels, and will always have sneakers or Ugg boots stashed away for after, but there are days you can’t escape wearing them.”
“And that too is seen as a symbol of status, and in a way, it is. It makes some people uncomfortable, and my guess is that that is what happened here.”
“And it has been passed down to the daughter. Sewing isn’t easy, and doing it properly means you will have to put a whole lot of effort into learning, with failures being a given. It’s not even a question. You will fail and you will fail at every single thing at least once. You will make mistakes.”
“Some you will always see yourself but can hide away, and some you will have to redo. The daughter is probably struggling with feeling like a failure over something that’s guaranteed to have failure baked in. If she wants to keep it up, the conclusion is that she will have to sit through those uncomfortable feelings, and she’s not there yet.”
“Aunt does not have to be the lightning rod for that. NTA.” – Ash_Dayne
Others also hoped the OP’s niece would put more effort into her craft in the future.
“Talent is work. You get good at something when you work hard at it. 10k hours minimum. Until this kid has mastered dressmaking and tailoring, she has no place demanding professionals be seen in her work.” – Ygra1ne
“The thing about dressmaking and tailoring is that, as with many forms of art, people will have their own style and method. Even if you put in 10k hours, some people like the look of rougher clothes where the stitching is showing, and probably consider it part of the style of clothing they make”
“To be clear here, it sounds like there’s a mix of things that the niece isn’t doing that she should be to finish the clothes properly, and other choices that could be considered style elements.”
“What the family doesn’t seem to understand is that just because the niece thinks something looks good or is high quality doesn’t mean OP has to agree. She’s perfectly entitled to having her own opinion on the pieces her niece makes as long as she isn’t being rude about it or trying to crush this girl’s dreams.” – ConstructionNo9678
“When the daughter said her not investing time and energy into learning how to sew things correctly because doing it doing it half-a**ed is more ‘authentic,’ that’s all I needed to know right there.”
“I learned costuming in college by apprenticing under someone and learned so many cool skills and pattern drafting, how to sew a sturdy garment that will last, and how to size garments to fit well. It really influenced many other skills I was already working on (graphic design), and ones I picked up later (carpentry).”
“I’m not saying someone has to take every hobby they do seriously and do it well, but if you’re doing it with the intention of other people wearing and using the item you made, you best get serious about your craft.”
“NTA, and OP’s family sounds exhausting. I’m certainly the thrifting type and someone who eloped rather than spend money on a wedding (I bought a house instead, thanks). But people are allowed to have preferences and nice things when they can afford them. I’m sure OP’s family ‘wastes’ money on things OP doesn’t value, either.” – dedlobster
“I’m a sewist. I’ve made numerous items for myself and others (some even out of old sheets!). My least favorite part is ironing. Ironing before you cut the pattern, ironing the seams, the hem, the fold, the EVERYTHING! Do you know what I still do on every single piece I make?”
“Yup, ironing. I finish every seam, trim every thread, and iron all the things. Because if I’m making something, especially for someone else, it’s going to be as perfect as humanly possible.”
“NTA at all!” – Chuckitybye
“I’m only learning to sew, but there is SO MUCH ironing. If I could get away with it, I’d probably skip half of it, if only because I don’t actually have an ironing board and iron on some towels on the floor.”
“The reason I keep doing all that ironing is because the result looks so much better. It’s the difference between something looking professional and good enough to wear to work, and something looking thrown together and messy. Honestly, the best compliment is, ‘You made that yourself!?’ Not, ‘…That’s nice, sweetie.'”
“NTA. It would be wildly shortsighted to risk one’s whole career for a single ‘bOnDiNg ExPeRiEnCe,’ especially when, if she wanted to, your niece could take the extra time to make an outfit that looks really good that you would be proud to wear if she just sucked it up and did the unfun fiddly bits as well as the fun stuff and found her ‘authenticity’ in the finishing touches.”
“If your niece was a younger teen, I would get how easy it would be to skip the tedious bits, but a young adult should be able to understand taking the time to do something right (heck, lots of younger teens can, too, to be honest).” – Tarnagona
The subReddit applauded the OP for supporting her niece’s interest while also protecting her boundaries in her personal life and career.
There was a time and a place for presenting a young person’s creations, and when they weren’t designing at a professional level yet, on stage in front of career colleagues was not the time.